Please read this before the fanfic!
To start off, I want you to know that you are going to be reading a crack fan fiction. That means, that it was not written for grammatical excellence. It was started last week when my best friend and I were visiting the Caribbean. We couldn't sleep although we were exhausted and at 2 a.m. we decided to start writing this with paper and pencil. Over the trip we continued to write until we had 44 pages of front and back fan fiction. Please understand that we wrote this for fun, not to be criticized. (Although constructive criticism is always appreciated.) Actually, it would be wonderful if you could comment and tell me what you thought
Secondly, some of the jokes you may not get if you don't watch the show Family Guy. There are also a few allusions to South Park and Drawn Together, so I'm sorry if you're missing out on that.
Lastly, there are a few racist remarks and 'adult language' so if that bothers you please do not read. The ethnic comments are not meant to hurt anyone's feelings (most of 'em are, as I said before, allusions to television shows that are quoted.) I am truly and sincerely sorry if any of you are offended. Between Tasuki (the person who wrote this with me) and I, we're probably from almost every ethnicity in the world. At least all the ones that are poked fun at in the fanfic. So, with that out of the way, let the story begin!
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Naruto or any of the characters in it. Someday though!
E.P.T. - Esuriatus Pectus Teritus
Written by Hitomi and Tasuki
Chapter One - Insomnus
One lovely summer night in Konoha, the heir of the fierce Inuzuka Clan was off visiting dreamland. Unfortunately it was a place unlike any dimension he'd dreamt about before…
Wednesday Night
"Lu lu lu, let's get together…" The raven haired Uchiha pranced around stage wearing a pink flamingo print dress with a lolita like touch to it. He twirled and in turn the edge of the cloth rose to a level that would be an obscene view for anyone other than his lover; for he was not wearing any panties. He smiled decadently and continued his song "Lu lu lu…"
Kiba sat erect, covered in sweat. He'd just had one of the most disturbing dreams anyone could ever fathom. As he attempted to clear away the dripping sweat with the sheets, he unpleasantly discovered his excitement from the demented dream. Confused, he rolled over and cuddled up wit Akamaru, and went back to sleep.
Meanwhile, across town, Sasuke sat up, having had just awakened from another strange dream. "The fuck…?"
Thursday Morning
The next morning Kiba awoke to somewhat more pleasurable thoughts, but soon enough his mind wandered to his dreams from that previous night. He growled and stood up to stretch, releasing a yawn that even a wolf couldn't compete against. He pulled his clothes on, including a heavy jacket although it was the middle of summer in Konohagakure.
His stomach gurgling, the young Inuzuka strode drowsily over to the cupboard only to meet emptiness. "Damn…" he thought to himself. "Eh, well I guess I'll just go over to the Ichiraku Raamen and meet up with Naruto. I have to tell someone about that bizarre dream."
Due to his doglike grace, Kiba reached the raamen bar within minutes, to find of course, Naruto.
"Oi, Kiba!" Naruto greeted him with a grin, slurping his raamen.
"Mornin'." He paused for a moment, confirming the decision to tell Naruto. "Ne…Naruto…I've gotta talk to you about something. You see…I had this creepy dream about Sa-"
"Hey! Sasu…ke?" Naruto saw the little Uchiha bastard, but stopped mid sentence when he saw that he was sporting a flashing pink toned dress.
Wednesday Night
Uchiha Itachi let out a loud sigh as he plopped down on the couch near Kisame. "Holy, Hitler! I'm bored." He groaned and rose his hand to block the random bright light that was emitted from the naked shark man. "And goddamnit Kisame, you have an Akatsuki cloak for a reason! Gah. What's the point of being so evil if I'm so bored!"
Kisame scurried to find his fluffy pink bathrobe and fasten it around his waste. "Well Itachi-san…" He was cut off by an insane Itachi holding a rather large flogger (which resembled Kisame's assraping sword) and was spanking relentlessly. "IT'S ITACHI-SAMA, SAMA YOU BASTARD!"
Kisame's eyes grew large and watery as he begged his bitchlord's forgiveness. After the matter had settled, Itachi resumed his complaining of being bored.
In an attempt to soothe his disgustingly psychotic lover, Kisame offered a suggestion. "Well Itachi-sama, we could screw around with your brother some more." He chuckled. "I mean, brainwashing everyone in your family, and then selling them to a Chinese shoe factory for a pound of rice was just wonderfully amusing. Oh! And we can't forget how you implanted those horrid memories of them all being murdered into little Sasuke-chan's mind now can we?"
"Mmm…but I've already fucked Sasuke in every way possible."
Kisame became teary eyed again. "You…cheated on me Itachi-sama?"
The other rested his chin on his hand and thought for a moment. "No, no Kisame, I meant 'fucked' as in with his mind…although we did have a few intimate moments…but isn't that brotherly love?" Itachi grinned as he recalled that night where he first used the dog collar and whip. "Dog collar that's it!" The maniac jumped up with excitement. "That dog boy! Kiba I think his name was… We can screw around with him and Sasuke!"
"Oh yes, Itachi-sama! And we can have darling Sasuke-chan wear that lovely dress I gave you for your birthday last year!"
"…Uhh sure Kisame." He secretly liked to dress up in it and pose in front of the mirror like he used to do with his mother's clothing. "Ahem. Anyways, prepare some mixture for that dog boy… use your chakra to implant images of Sasuke in the dress…think up something delicious." Itachi licked his lips when he uttered the word. "And as for Sasuke, I happen to know his one weakness." He then pulled out a syringe and injected it into a chocolate bar he had lying around.
Later That Night
Itachi crept slowly into his brother's room, trying to repress the maniacal laughs. He carefully placed the pink dress that Sasuke was to wear, and on top was the candy bar that was so lovingly laced with acid. To top it off, he left a note which read,
My dear Sasuke-kun,
Here is some fine chocolate for a fine ass. Please eat as much as you want. Be sure to emeet me at the Ichiraku raamen bar this afternoon. And it would make me so overjoyed if you wore this outfit I chose for you.
Love, Your Puppy-boy.
Itachi laughed as he leapt out the window. "Top this prank Kisame! I gotta go get my camera, no one's gonna believe that I thought of this!"
Thursday
Kiba's jaw dropped in sheer horror. "Gyaaaa!" he yelled so loud, that he'd waken Akamaru who'd been sleeping on his lap at the raamen bar. The small dog rose and began to wail, joining his partner in sound. "What the hell is going on?" he managed to stutter as he pointed at the man in the pink dress.
Sasuke took no time in bouncing over to the raamen stand, and smiling at the dog boy. If Kiba hadn't been startled enough, he was now as he looked into the face of a joyful feminine Uchiha.
"Ah, Kiba-kun! I've been looking for you all over, my little puddle of love!"
Kiba took a step backwards, the sweetness was too much to bear. "I've really gotta stop eating those Wholy Earth dog biscuits! I think they added something to them…" It seemed that perhaps some crazy hippy had laced them with LSD.
His thoughts were then shattered when Sasuke leaped into his arms. "May I have more chocolate dear?"
"What are you talking about? I have no damn chocolate!" Kiba tried to shove him off to no avail.
Chapter 1 - End.
My parents own an all organic Dog Food & Biscuit Shop. Whenever other dogs sample our biscuits, they become a bit 'happy'. My father is also an uber hippy. XD if you want, check out our site for giggles and snorts. (no this isn't advertisement, it's just amusing :D)
know the skipping to different times was a bit confusing, but I liked it somewhat. Please comment and tell me what you think! 3