Bedtime Story

"I think it's broken, puddin'," said Harley Quinn, her eyes narrowed as she studied the Joker's arm, hanging uselessly by his side.

"Really? What gave that away, Harley? The big chunk of bone popping outta the skin?" demanded Joker, holding an icepack to his swollen eye.

Harley ignored the sarcasm. "You should really be in the hospital," she muttered. "Luckily I've set enough of your bones that I'm basically a qualified surgeon. Just hold still and try not to scream too loudly."

"I don't scream, Harley…" began Joker, but Harley popped the bone back into its socket at that moment, and Joker let out what many people might term as a high-pitched scream, or perhaps shriek. (It's doubtful the Joker would have preferred either term.)

"Daddy's home!" shrieked an excited voice, and a second later the door to the bedroom banged open and two shapes came rushing in, launching themselves at Joker.

Joker managed to hold back the scream this time as both shapes collided with his broken body, turning his grimace of pain into a smile. "Hi, kiddies!" he exclaimed. "Get off Daddy's arm now – just move a little over there – that's it!" he said, smiling genuinely as his twin children, Arleen and J.J., settled themselves on his knees, hugging him tightly around the waist.

"What's wrong with your arm, Daddy?" asked J.J., as Harley hurried to hide the wound in a bandage. "And your eye?" he asked, looking up at his father's black eye.

"Aw, Daddy just had an unfortunate run-in with the Bat…the Bat…uh…the bathtub," invented Joker quickly at the warning look Harley was giving him. "Slipped and fell when I got outta the bath. Clumsy me."

"See? Baths are dangerous, Mommy, I told you!" said J.J., triumphantly. "I don't think we should take 'em anymore."

"You're both still taking baths," said Harley, firmly. "But Mommy is helping you in and outta 'em, as usual. Might do the same for your Daddy too," she said, kissing his cheek.

"It's not nice seeing you hurt, Daddy," said Arleen, cuddling him. "You should be more careful."

"Well, Daddy doesn't like being hurt either, Princess," he said, kissing the top of her head.

"But it does mean that Daddy gets to spend some time at home for once," said Harley. "He can't go back to work anytime soon, not like this, can you, Daddy?" she asked him, smiling.

"Yeah, I guess not," he agreed.

"You mean today is a Daddy day?" exclaimed J.J., beaming.

"Yay!" shouted Arleen, clapping her hands enthusiastically. "Daddy day! Daddy day! Daddy day!"

"That's right, kiddies, and you know what a Daddy day means?" he asked, grinning. "It means you're gonna be spoiled rotten!" he said, giving Arleen an eskimo kiss. "Now let's all go have breakfast, and we can decide what we wanna do today."

"The zoo! I wanna go to the zoo!" said J.J., as they raced down the hall toward the kitchen.

"I wanna go on the carousel in the mall!" said Arleen.

"Zoo!"

"Mall!"

"Zoo!"

"Mall!"

"Kiddies, there's no reason why we can't go to the zoo and the mall," said Joker, as they sat down at the breakfast table. "Plenty of hours in the day."

"I don't like going to the zoo, though," grumbled Arleen. "Those animals in cages always look so sad. Especially the hyenas. They should be laughing, like Bud and Lou always are," she said, as Harley went to the back door to let in their pet hyenas, and then went to go make pancakes. The two hyenas leapt up onto the chairs and began pawing and nuzzling the family affectionately, and then went to go stand next to Harley by the stove, wagging their tails and waiting for her to drop some of the pancakes.

"Well, we'll see if we can't get them laughing today," said Joker. "You know how Daddy loves to spread the laughter, doncha, angelface?"

"Yeah. Why can't everyone be like you, Daddy?" asked Arleen, cuddling him again.

"I often ask myself that very same question, sweetness," sighed Joker, smiling. "But I guess I'm just a one-in-a-million kinda guy."

"You sure are, puddin'," purred Harley, kissing him as she served them their pancakes and then sat down.

"Mommy, don't do that, it's gross," said J.J., making a face. "I don't wanna throw up my breakfast."

"What's gross about kissing a girl, J.J.?" asked Joker, pouring syrup onto his pancakes.

"It's just gross," repeated J.J., firmly. "Kissing is sissy, girly stuff, like in those stupid fairytales Mommy reads to us."

"I've never heard you objecting to the fairytales before, J.J.," said Harley, surprised.

"They're fine until they get to the end," said J.J., wrinkling his nose. "They always end with some stupid kiss of true love, claiming that's the most powerful thing in the world."

"It is the most powerful thing in the world," retorted Arleen.

"Leenie, there's no way a kiss is more powerful than an atomic bomb, or a tank, or even a submachine gun," said J.J., matter-of-factly.

"I have to agree with your sister," said Harley. "True love's kiss is more powerful than all of that. You kiddies wouldn't even exist if not for true love's kiss."

"See?" said Arleen, sticking her tongue out.

"Daddy, tell 'em they're wrong," said J.J.

"First rule of living with women, son – never tell them they're wrong," said Joker, sagely. "You'll be a lot happier for it."

"Well, they are wrong," muttered J.J., finishing his pancakes. "When's the last time true love's kiss has won a war? Oh, that's right. Never."

"Maybe they should try it next time," said Arleen, finishing her milk.

"I'd pay to see that!" chuckled Joker. "You coming to the zoo and the mall with us, pumpkin pie?" he asked Harley, as she stood up to clear away the dishes.

"No, you should have a day with just you and kids, puddin'," she said. "I have work to do around here anyway, laundry and dishes and stuff. You should take the babies, though," she said, nodding at the hyenas. "They need their exercise."

"Yeah, you'd like the zoo, wouldn't you, boys?" asked Joker, petting the hyenas. "You can laugh at all those other animals stuck in cages, like the suckers they are."

Bud and Lou chuckled, wagging their tails happily. They tugged on their leashes, eager to get through the gates of the zoo and follow Arleen and J.J., who rushed ahead.

"Kids, stay together!" shouted Joker. "Or no ice creams!"

"Sir, you're not allowed to take pets into the…" began one of the zookeepers, but stopped speaking as he recognized the man holding the hyenas' leashes.

"Sorry, what am I not allowed to do?" asked Joker, smiling at him.

"Uh…nothing. Have a pleasant visit," said the man, stepping aside to let him in.

"Sure will, sport!" chuckled Joker. Arleen and J.J. were staring into the monkey cages, and Bud and Lou leaped up against the bars, giggling at the captive animals.

"They really do look sad, Daddy," said Arleen, forlornly.

"Aw, cheer up, sweetie," said Joker, handing her and J.J. an ice cream each. "Have an ice cream. Daddy will make the animals smile."

He sprayed a cloud of Joker toxin from the flower in his buttonhole, and the monkeys instantly began laughing hysterically. "Y'see? Look how happy they are!" said Joker, beaming. "Now let's move along," he said, ushering the kids away before they could see the end result of the Joker toxin.

They reached the hyena cage at last, and Bud and Lou jumped onto the bars, panting happily and wagging their tails. "It says these two are called Laverne and Shirley, after the famous female comedy duo," said Joker, reading the plaque. He frowned. "Boy, for a comedy duo, they don't look very happy."

"Told you, Daddy, it's just sad to see 'em," said Arleen, gazing in pity at the two female hyenas, who lay in the enclosure with their heads down, looking miserable.

Bud and Lou barked, and they raised their heads suddenly, and began wagging their tails. "Aw, ya like 'em, do ya, boys?" asked Joker. The hyenas nodded vigorously, straining to get over the bars. The two female hyenas approached the bars, looking equally eager and barking loudly.

"Well, I'm not a man to stand in the way of true love," said Joker. "C'mon, boys."

He found the cage door and sprayed acid on the lock, melting it. Then he kicked the door open, and Bud and Lou raced inside, laughing happily.

"Aw, ain't that cute?" said Joker, as Bud and Lou began nuzzling and playing with the female hyenas. "Nothing like a little puppy love to put a smile on your…"

He trailed off suddenly. "What are they doing, Daddy?" asked Arleen, mystified.

"Why are they jumping on the other hyenas from behind like that, Daddy?" asked J.J.

Joker clapped his hands over their eyes. "Uh…they're just…uh…playing," he said. "Yeah, playing…uh…we'll leave you to it, boys, give you some privacy, back soon!" he shouted at the hyenas, dragging the children away. "Let's go get another ice cream and forget we saw that."

"What kinda way is that to behave on your first date, huh?" he hissed when they returned to collect the hyenas later. "I'm surprised at you, boys! And those dames ain't any kinda ladies!"

Bud and Lou whined, gazing longingly back the female hyenas, who looked equally upset at being parted from them. "Yeah, yeah, we'll come back and see your girlfriends soon, ok?" sighed Joker. "Though I'm sure you can both do a lot better. Never thought Laverne and Shirley was that funny anyway," he muttered.

Next stop was the mall, where a large carousel had been set up in the middle of the shopping center. Arleen and J.J. both raced toward it, but Arleen stopped abruptly, her face falling in disappointment.

"What's wrong, sweetness?" asked Joker, noticing.

"I wanna ride the purple unicorn, Daddy," she said, pointing. "I always ride the purple unicorn."

Joker looked up to see that another child was seated on the purple unicorn. "Don't you worry, Princess," he said, patting her head. "If my little angel wants the purple unicorn, she gets the purple unicorn."

He strode up to the child. "Hey, kid, I'll think you'll wanna get off the purple unicorn, ok?" he muttered.

"No," snapped the child, clinging onto it.

"Aw, see, I really think you do," said Joker.

"No!" repeated the child.

"Stubborn little tyke, ain't ya?" said Joker, his face falling dangerously. "But you're getting off that purple unicorn if I have to rip your dead body off it, got it?!"

The child stared at him in terror, and then began crying, but didn't let go of the unicorn. "Last chance, kiddo," said Joker, drawing his gun.

"Nicky, just get off the unicorn now!" said the child's mother, rushing over to him and pulling him off it, despite the sobbing and fighting from the child.

"That's better!" said Joker, smiling. He dusted the unicorn off and then said, "It's all yours, Princess!"

Arleen beamed and kissed her father as he helped her up onto the unicorn. "Thanks, Daddy!" she exclaimed.

"No problem, sweetness, I hate it when other people touch my stuff too," said Joker. "Not a unicorn man myself, but I am fond of purple."

Joker bought them a big bag of candy each to eat on the way home, so by the time they arrived back for dinner, they didn't have any appetite for it. Especially not for the vegetables.

"Kids, you have to eat your veggies so you'll grow up big and strong," said Harley, trying to coax them into finishing the plate of brussel sprouts in front of them, which both the twins and Joker looked at with faces of disgust.

"C'mon, Harley, you can't expect kiddies to eat this crap," said Joker, shoving his plate away. "It's bad enough for grown-ups. Here, kiddies, have some more candy," he said, reaching into his pocket.

"Don't give them candy before they've finished their veggies, puddin'…" began Harley.

"No veggies, Mommy!" protested J.J., and Arleen echoed him.

"Yeah, no veggies, Harley!" retorted Joker. "Kids don't like nasty veggies – they like candy!"

"Puddin', I said…"

"Daddy will give Mommy some candy too later tonight if she's a good girl about this," interrupted Joker, sliding an arm around her waist. "Like a nice, big, hard lollipop."

"Oh…puddin'!" gasped Harley, adoringly. She picked up the plate of brussel sprouts and threw it in the trash without a moment's hesitation. Arleen and J.J. cheered as Joker kissed her, and handed the children more candy.

"Daddy days are the best!" said J.J., happily, stuffing his face full of candy.

That night, after the mandatory bath, much to J.J.'s dismay, Joker tucked them both into their bunkbeds and said, "So, you kiddies want a story?"

"Yeah!" exclaimed Arleen, clapping her hands happily. "Tell us a fairytale, Daddy, please?"

J.J. sighed, rolling his eyes. "No, c'mon, Daddy, tell us a good story, not a lotta mushy, girly stuff."

"Oh, you think all fairytales have gotta be mushy, girly stuff, huh, J.J.?" asked Joker, sitting down next to the bed.

"All the ones Mommy tells are," said J.J.

"Well, have you ever heard the story of The Dark Knight?" asked Joker. "That ain't mushy, girly stuff. That's a tale that's scared grown men."

"The Dark Knight?" repeated J.J. "Who's that? He sounds scary."

"Well, he'd like to think he is," retorted Joker, nodding.

"Don't scare the kids, puddin'!" hissed Harley, entering the room. "I don't think that particular story is appropriate for them just yet."

"We can take it, Mommy!" exclaimed Arleen.

"Yeah, I ain't scared of this Dark Knight, whoever he is!" said J.J.

"I'm sure they can handle it, pumpkin," said Joker, beaming. "I mean, it's only a story, after all. And all the people in it are fictitious, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. And it doesn't even take place in the here and now – it takes place once upon a time in faraway land, as these stories always do."

Harley looked at him and then sighed, shaking her head. "Go on, then, puddin'," she said, sitting down next to him. "Let's hear the story."

"Story, Daddy!" said Arleen, jumping up and down. "Story, story, story!"

"All right, if you're sure you're brave enough," sighed Joker. "J.J.?"

"Bring it on," retorted J.J., folding his arms across his chest.

"Ok. Here it goes," said Joker, grinning. "The Tale of the Dark Knight…"