I Care For You (As You Have Me)
Pairing: Clexa
Rating: Children be Wary (K+)
Notes: And it's back! Back again! This took awhile, but here is the next installment of the You Ask My Name series. I think I've mastered the art of slow burn considering this is the 4th? 5th? story in this series and it's only just now that they talk about their romantic feelings. Am I good or am I good? For those who don't know, the order that these stories are supposed to be read in is You Ask My Name, then You Know My Name, after the its I Wish to Make All the Difference, and then its this one, so if you haven't read those you might want to.
Thunder boomed in the distance. A deep rumble that rolled out loud and long, signalling the coming storm. Rain had been falling regularly in Polis for the last week, turning the dirt roads into muddy trails and the normally full markets into barren courtyards. The falling water brought with it the smell of fresh soil and a crisp freshness to the air. It filled the Commander's room with a comfortable coolness that chased away the heat of the oncoming summer.
The brunette warrior, finally home for longer than a few days for the first time in what felt like forever, sat comfortably in her room's sitting area. Her weapons spread before her, and a blade cradled in her hands, she slowly ran a wet stone along a curved edge. The room was quiet other than the rhythmic scraping sound of the sharpening knife and the low hiss of the light rain that poured outside. Clarke was out, helping the cities healers with a sudden outbreak of flu that had afflicted many of the capitols children.
Her absence felt odd to the young Commander. Over the three months Clarke had been in Polis, Lexa had grown used to her almost constant presence. It had become a comfort, as well as a mild concern. When the disguised blonde wasn't in her room when she returned from a long day of duties, the brunette would feel a hole open in the bottom of her stomach. It was a feeling she didn't enjoy. Tending her weapons had become a way to relax, to take her mind off the anxiousness that had swelled in her body. It didn't hurt that her weapons and armour where the most well kept they'd ever been.
The distant clanking of the towers elevator signalled the change of the guard shift, and the door opening without announcement brought the Commanders attention to the person standing by the door. Clarke leaned, clearly exhausted, against the closed entrance. Her mask, a normally light wood, lay starkly against her pale skin. Her hair was limp and damp, the roots having lost some of the red dye that normally adorned the strands, allowing a small amount of blonde to peek through. Her clothes clung to her frame, soaked through from the light rain that had turned into a downpour. Her bag of healing supplies was clutched in one hand and a hooded cloak in the other, both as sodden as the healer.
Laying down her knife, Lexa jumped up. Walking swiftly, she grabbed the items from the younger girl and set them aside. Her hands hovered over the healer's arms, unsure how to help, or if any touch was welcome. Clarke was usually the caretaker, so the brunette was thrown by the sudden roll reversal.
"Are you okay?"
She settled for the simple question. A nod was her response, along with a light cough as the healer removed her mask, letting it hang against her chest from its ties. Its removal revealed blue tinged lips. With a small heave, Clarke straightened. Shivers wracked her frame as she walked over to the bed, shedding her sopping clothes as she went. Lexa watched, concern bubbling in her stomach. Despite the other girl's response, she knew she wasn't alright.
Following slowly, she observed the blond shuck off her boots, stripping down to the essentials. The clack of the wood mask being thrown on the side table signalled her falling into bed and burrowing under the furs. Shivers still quaked along her limbs, and gooseflesh erupted on her pale skin.
"Do you want me to get a bath ready for you?"
She kneeled next to the bed, face resting on the sheets near Clarkes.
"No, just need to rest. S'all I need."
The blondes slurred words were ended with a weak cough. Sighing, Lexa lifted her head from the mattress. If the warrior were the one in this situation the younger girl would have had her in a bath and loopy on herbs by now, yet she refused to care for herself to the same extent. The hypocrisy was amazing.
A lopsided smile pulled at the brunette's lips as she stood up. With a gentle hand she brushed some damp hair from Clarkes forehead, feeling the heated skin contrasted with the chill water. Without a doubt the young healer was sick, probably contracted from her numerous patients that day. Pulling a fur over her shivering form, Lexa padded over to the bathroom.
After checking to see if the tubs water had been replaced since the last bath, she grabbed the coal tongs. With light steps, she crept over to the brazier in the main room. She moved slowly and quietly, trying her hardest not to draw attention to her actions.
While Clarke might feel her own health wasn't as important as another's, Lexa felt she at least deserved to be taken care of, at least when needed. The blonde had cared for her, treated her wounds, on several occasions, and gone to almost absurd lengths to guarantee the Commander was healthy. The brunette held in a snort as she thought of all that the healer had done.
On more than one occasion she had interrupted important meetings, just striding in with all the confidence in the world, and placing a plate of food in front of the Commander, and after a pointed look, would leave without any fuss. The first time, during a trade meeting, Titus had looked as though he would burst a blood vessel as he had chewed out the guards. How Clarke managed to worm her way into every guard's good graces was beyond her, but her actions always seemed to make the Commanders chest swell with affection.
Returning to the bathroom, she dropped several glowing stones into the water, a cloud of steam billowed out to fill the room. Returning the tongs to their rightful place, she crept over to the main door, smiling as she heard small whistling snores from the blonde as she passed her. Poking her head into the hall, she beckoned a guard over.
"Please have someone bring a tonic for the flu and some warm food. Despite her skill, my healer seems to be neglecting herself."
She spoke in soft Trigedasleng, a joking lilt to her voice. The guard chuckled, bowing and affirmed that her command would be done. Nodding in approval, she closed the door, turning towards the large dresser near the bed.
While Clarke had her own supply of clothes in her room down the hall, Lexa was hesitant to leave the ill healer, and her own clothes were more readily available as it was. Selecting a loose pair of cotton pants and a baggy long sleeved shirt, she set them on the bed, freezing in her movements as the beds occupant turned over. The brunette frowned as tension creased the blondes face, her discomfort obvious.
Seeing the younger girl uncomfortable made her heart clench in guilt. While it might not be of her doing, the frown that marred Clarkes features still reminded her of all the times she had hurt the Sky girl. It reminded her of the Mountain, of how she'd resisted the blossoming feelings of love for the good of her people. It reminded her of the missile in Ton DC, when she had forced Clarke to abandon her people. It reminded her of when Clarke had stormed into her tent, holding Ryder at gun point, rage flowing off her in waves. It reminded her of every time she had disappointed or hurt Clarke, despite what her heart told her to do.
Breathing a shaky breath and blinking back a sudden rush of tears, she returned to her task, forcing the rush of shame and guilt down until it rested as an uncomfortable stone in her stomach. Returning to the bathroom, she tested the water, feeling the pleasant tingle of heat on her finger tips. Nodding in satisfaction, she scanned one of the tables along the wall, picking out a comb, shampoo, and a cup. Cradling the objects in her hands, she smiled fondly, remembering when Clarke had done the same for her. She'd returned after a long battle on the border, bruised and aching, wanting only to sleep for several days to forget the loses they had suffered, but the healer had refused to let her rest. Forcing her into a bath after setting a dislocated shoulder, and washing the dirt and grime from her body, she then swaddled her in the softest clothing she could find. While at the time, Lexa had simply complied, too tired to appreciate the effort, she remembered the event with fondness.
Since Clarke's return, the brunette couldn't remember another time when she had felt so cared for, so supported, and now she was determined to return the gesture. Placing the tools near the tubs edge, she slipped into the main room, coming to kneel next to Clarke once again. Placing a gentle hand on the blondes back, she called to her.
"Klarke, I need you to get up. I have a bath ready for you."
A low, nasally groan was her response, accompanied by the younger girl curling further into the furs.
"Come on, you know that if our positions were reversed I would have been in the bath long ago."
The furs shifted, revealing displeased eyes glaring out from under mussed hair. Lexa felt a smile quirk her lips at the sight. Clarke groaned again, intentionally exaggerated this time, but she slowly sat up, holding a fur around her shoulders. Without looking, she groped for her mask, eyes squinting tiredly. Standing from her kneeling position, Lexa grabbed the mask and brought it to the blonde's hand, knowing they wouldn't be moving anywhere without it.
She led the way to the bathroom, an arm wrapped around the grumpy girl's shoulders. The steam had settled slightly, and the water had cooled to a decent temperature, which hopefully made the bath more enticing to the blonde. Lexa didn't want to think about what she would have to do if Clarke suddenly decided to go back to bed. Removing the fur from around her shoulders, the blonde began to strip without prompting, her shorts and wrappings hitting the floor with dull thwumps.
Lexa averted her gaze, a light dusting of red on her cheeks and a small shiver traveling down her spine to nudge the hard stone of guilt in her stomach. How Clarke managed to remain professional through everything was another mystery to her. The brunette could sharply recall several times when she had been unabashedly naked in front of the blonde, yet the healer had never batted an eye. She couldn't help but let feelings of inadequacy worm their way into her mind. She knew she was attractive, as more than a few of her subjects had sworn their fealty to her and mentioned her beauty in their speeches, but the thought of Clarke not finding her appealing seemed to hurt more than she would like to admit.
Swallowing, she waited for the tell tale splash of water as the blonde entered the tub. A hand on her chin draws her gaze up to look into blue eyes, her breath hitching as she registers Clarke standing very close to her while she is very naked. Her eyes shoot to the ceiling, unable to look at the other girl as blood rushes to her face, staining her skin a dark red. The sound of Clarke chuckling has her blushing harder. Her voice no longer had its nasal tone, the steam having eased the pressure on her sinuses.
"Lexa, look at me."
Slowly, she shifted her eyes down, careful to keep her sight line above the other girl shoulders. She focuses on Clarkes face; her eyes, her delicate nose, and the curve of her jaw. She tightened her muscles to add another thing to distract herself, clenching her jaw and drawing her shoulders tight like a bow string.
In spite of being ill, Clarke still looked stunning. Her skin was pale, but a light flush coloured her cheeks. A light sheen of sweat had collected on her brow from the moisture in the room, and her eyes still retained their sharp glint despite being clouded with fever. Her stance seemed to ooze with confidence even as she shivered slightly. Lexa bit the inside of her cheek, just shy of drawing blood, to add a third distraction.
Clarke tilted her head slightly, looking thoughtful, as she examined Lexa's expression. For some reason, the brunette felt as though the blonde could see everything. Her attempts at distracting herself, her indescribable attraction, her anxieties. Even the curling knot of guilt in her stomach. It was as unsettling as it was calming, calming in the way that she wouldn't have to speak of her feelings aloud.
"Would you like to join me?"
The question barely registers in her mind as she is so busy trying to distract herself, but the words still have her sputtering, face burning even brighter as her blush intensifies further, traveling from her face down to her collarbone. Turning away, she covers her mouth with her hand, feeling panic rise in her chest.
Clarke wanted to bath together.
There was a ringing in her ears as she breathed rapidly. She'd only ever fantasised about such an event, never expecting it to be a reality as she was certain Clarkes anger towards her for her betrayal would never allow for such a thing. Sure, the blonde had acted as her healer for the past few months, but it didn't mean she desired a relationship, or to be anything more than just friends. A gentle hand has her turning back, eyes wide. Clarke looks at her with a worried expression, brow furrowing.
"You don't have to if you don't want to…"
Her voice is soft, trailing off at the end. Didn't want to? Oh, it was quite the opposite. She really, really wanted to. She just didn't want Clarke to feel as though she were obligated to. Sure, she suggested it, but Lexa didn't want to intrude. Clarke could be just looking out for Lexa, ensuring she bathed before bed, like she would when the brunette came home from a campaign.
"I… you… you don't have to offer, Klarke. This bath is for you. I can bathe another time. You always take such good care of me, it's only fair…"
Clarke's face softened as she stammered. The blonde bringing a hand to cradle her jaw gently.
"I offered because I want you to join me, not because of my obligations as your healer, but if you really don't want to I can bathe alone."
Lexa's heart beat faster at her words. Clarke really did want to bathe together. Nervously, she nodded, leaning her head into the healer's touch. A small smile pulled at the blonde's lips as she brushed a thumb over the older girl's cheek bone. Nodding in return, Clarke drew away, turning to the bath and stepping delicately into the steaming water. The liquid came up to her shoulders, covering everything up to her collarbone and wetting the ends of her hair, washing away the red dye that coated it. She tipped her head, looking over her shoulder at Lexa, who still stood awkwardly by the door.
"Coming?"
The one word startled her into movement, shedding her clothes and undergarments until she was as bare as Clarke. Stepping up to the tub, she hesitated. How did Clarke want to do this? The tub really wasn't that big. Before she could ask, the healer beckoned her with a curled finger, sending a shiver down her spine.
"Come're, sit with your back to my chest."
The blonde widened her stance, bringing her knees up to rest against the edge of the tub. Lexa drew in a hitched breath, panic slowly rising. The position would be so intimate, and she knew it would hurt afterwards, as her imagination ran wild with all the could have's that she knew would never happen. Yet, she still found herself stepping into the water, its heat soothing against her muscles as she sank down to rest rigidly against Clarke. The blonde's arms remained on the lip of the tub, but Lexa could feel her healer curling inward to rest against her back.
"You seem uncomfortable. We can stop if you want?"
The question sounded over her shoulder, cool air tickling the edge of her ear, making her stiffen further.
"N-no, this is fine."
She curses herself for her stuttering as Clarke lets out a noise of disbelief. Slowly, pale arms move from their position on the edge, snaking around her shoulders and waist, until they pull her back to lay flush against Clarkes front.
"Talk to me, Lex. We've been doing so well with communicating. Don't stop now."
The brunette could feel tears prickle at the corners of her eyes. Clarke was right. They had been communicating really well, talking of nothing and everything. From their personal interests, to the politics of the nation, to the idle gossip Clarke would hear while working in the clinic. With their new relationship as Commander and healer, they had grown closer, that was for certain, but Lexa had never dared dream that anything beyond friendship was possible; her betrayal being too large of a chasm to cross. This new intimacy was scary and confusing, the fact that Clarke initiated it making it even more so.
"I… I am unsure of the boundaries here. I… do not understand what it is you want, Klarke. I need a clear sign."
She was certain the blonde could feel her nervousness in the tenseness of her muscles and how she curled uncertainly into herself. The sudden urge to flee surged forth, but the feeling of the strong arms around her and Clarkes chest pressed to her back had her frozen in place.
"Oh Lex… I've been confusing you, haven't I?"
A wave of sadness seemed to emanate from the girl behind her, making the welling tears in the brunette's eyes threaten to fall. To be honest, Lexa was conflicted. On more than one occasion they had slept next to each other in bed, sometimes cuddling together, sometimes not. Clarke had cared for her, treating her wounds with more care than any other healer ever had. The attentiveness and the tender touches had blurred the fine line between professional and personal, and it confused Lexa to no end. Hesitantly, she nodded, breath hitching as the arms around her tightened.
"I…"
Clarke paused, making the older girls anxiety rise. Here was the moment where everything would be clear, where she could put her fantasies to rest knowing that the healer didn't feel the same. She forced herself to relax, enjoying the embrace of the girl she loved one last time before it would certainly end once and for all.
"I care about you, Lexa. A lot. When I returned, I still held some anger for what happened at the Mountain, but now all I feel is peace. I didn't let myself believe it at first, but I knew deep down that I still had feelings for you. You are kind, and brave, and righteous in its purest form. I don't know if it's love, but I want to be close to you, to rebuild what we had before the Mountain."
Clarke tightened her hold as she spoke, pressing her forehead against the older girls back as shivers seemed to shake the brunettes form. Lexa only barely registered her shaking and the tears that streamed down her cheeks.
Clarke didn't hate her.
Clarke cared for her.
A choked sob managed to escape her lips, prompting Clarke to pull her even closer. She was overwhelmed with happiness, yet fear was slowly tainting its edges. Before the Mountain, she and the Coalition had been strong. The thought of a relationship with the blonde back then had seemed possible as she was confident that her standing with the clans would keep Clarke safe.
But now she was weak.
She was trembling in the arms of the girl she loved, at war with the nation who had stolen her previous love away, and hiding Clarkes true identity from the masses. Her position was precarious and dangerous, and it filled her with fear. Not for herself, but for Clarke. Should what happened to Costia happened to Clarke, Lexa was certain she wouldn't survive. Not a second time.
Her sobs slowed after a long while, her face tucked into the other girl's neck. Slowly, she leaned back, scrubbing at her face with her palms. Looking at Clarke, she could see sorrow in her eyes. Gently, the blonde kissed her temple; a slow but firm press of her lips. Her fingers had started drawing slow, circular designs on Lexa's stomach, hands remaining respectfully above her navel and a few inches below her breasts. The motions were soothing, giving her something to focus on other than her fear.
"If you no longer want-"
"No!"
Her voice is shrill, strangled almost as she interrupted. She did want a relationship with Clarke. She really, really did, but suddenly having the possibility returned to her after months of assuming nothing but friendship was jarring.
"I do. I do want to, Klark. I am just…. Afraid."
She hesitates on the last word, as though speaking it would make it real. As though reading her mind, being so in tune with Lexa's anxieties, Clarke held her even tighter, shushing her quietly.
"It'll be okay. No one knows who I am, and, as your healer, I stay with you almost constantly anyways. We'll take it slow. As slowly as both of us need."
Her words are punctuated with a light kiss on the brunette's shoulder, making Lexa smile. Lifting her head, she poked her nose against Clarke's jaw.
"I should be the one holding you. You're the one who's sick."
She murmurs quietly, muscles finally uncoiling after what felt like eons being bunched tight. For reasons she couldn't fathom, the blonde's words calmed her, easing her fears until they were small ripples rather than the crashing wave they had been before. A small chuckled vibrated in Clarke's chest.
"But I like holding you."
She squeezed lightly then loosened her grip, leaving her limbs resting limply on the older girl's chest and stomach.
"I like taking care of people. It makes me happy. I just forgot that ever since being sent to the ground."
A smile came unbidden to Lexa's lips, her eyes closing as she reveled in the feeling of Clarke's skin against hers. It was a sensation she never thought she'd be allowed, yet here it was. Breathing a sigh, the brunette hummed in contentment.
"We should probably wash up. The water will be cold soon."
It was true; the water had cooled significantly, now an almost uncomfortable lukewarm. Groaning, Clarke reached over the edge of the tub, stretching and shifting awkwardly. The movement produced giggles from the girl in her lap. Settling back down, the jar of shampoo and the comb in her hand, the water sloshed, splashing the tubs occupants.
"How about I do that?"
Plucking the objects from Clarke's hands, she moved, turning so her back leaned against the opposite end of the tub. Sighing, the healer followed, turning around and dipping her head in the water to soak her dyed locks. The dye created red swirls in the water, revealing the blonde locks that they disguised.
"Do you need to keep dying your hair? I doubt anyone would question you being blonde. There are several warriors I know who dye their hair because it is their preference."
Clarke stilled for a moment, considering her words.
"Well, it would make my life easier, I guess. I wouldn't have to redye it every time I bathe."
Her tone was thoughtful, but it seemed she was already convinced. There were plenty of blonde warriors out there, one more wouldn't be found unusual.
"And it would stop my pillows from being stained red."
Lexa poked the younger girl in the side, smirking as she squeaked. Clarke looked over her shoulder, a sheepish grin on her face.
"Yeah, I didn't think about that."
Laughing, Lexa pulled her back, having the blonde rest against her chest. A few handfuls of shampoo later, and lather was massaged into Clarkes scalp, stripping away the last traces of red. As the healer had done for her on more than one occasion, Lexa combed out the snarls and tangles, gently working out any particularly stubborn knots.
Before long, they were both clean, only hesitant to leave the cooling water because it would mean separating. Breathing a sigh, Clarke got out first, grabbing a towel for herself, wrapping it around her body securely, before holding one out for Lexa.
"Come on, the sooner we get out, the sooner we can go to bed."
Clarkes voice had once again become nasally; the steam having dissipated long ago. Lexa followed quickly, shivering as the cool stones of the floor touched her soles. They rushed together to the main room, giggling as they stopped by the brazier to warm themselves before speeding off once again to dress.
As she slipped on a soft sleep shirt and pants, she spotted two plates of dinner and a vial of what was most certainly the tonic she'd requested. Nodding in approval, she stepped over to the table they'd been placed on. The food was still warm, if a bit cooler than she had hoped, but it was far from inedible.
"Clarke, come eat, then we can sleep."
The healer shuffled over, rubbing her towel over her damp hair. Letting the cloth slid from her head, it left the blonde locks in a state of fluffy disarray. The sight had Lexa laughing lightly, brushing strands from Clarkes face and tucking them behind her ears. The older girl couldn't remember a time when she had laughed so much, having always been filled with anxiety or too focused on a task to take pleasure in the little things. It was a nice change.
"Sit, I'll braid this for you as you eat."
Clarke complies easily, setting herself down heavily, tiredness obvious in her posture. Combing her fingers through the blonde's hair, she enjoyed the softness of the strands. The dye had always made them stiff to the touch and had them clumping together. Now, the locks were lax and smooth, allowing them to slide through Lexa's fingers easily.
She started at the temple, twisting and crossing until the two braids met at the back of the skull. She twisted those together as well, making a flat, smooth braid made from six equal sized sections of hair. She tied it off with a leather tie, running her hands along it to ensure it was smooth and centred. Satisfied with her work, she took a seat at the table next to Clarke.
The blonde had only picked at her food, eating small bites here and there, the illness, that she was still loath to admit she had, having cut her appetite. Spearing a boiled carrot on her fork, she nibbled it as she looked to Lexa. The older girl was focused on her meal, cutting and eating a slice of meat, then a few vegetables, then taking a sip of water. Feeling suddenly tired, eyes drooping, she set down her fork.
"I think I'm going to turn in."
Lexa nodded but held out the vial of tonic.
"Here, this will help."
Clarke hesitated, still being stubborn, but eventually relented when the older girl raised an eyebrow judgingly. Drinking the tonic wasn't an experience she ever wanted to repeat. It burned as she sipped it, making her cough. She pounded her chest, eyes watering, but smiled through the pain when Lexa laughed lightly.
Setting the vial down, she shuffled to the bed, the heaviness of her limbs finally registering as she focused on rest. Flopping on the mattress, she groaned loudly as the feeling of cool sheets felt blissful on her heated skin.
Lexa watched amused as the blonde curled up on top of the covers. Finishing her food, she stacked the plates neatly and ensured the bathroom was organized before padding to the bed. Rounding to the side that wasn't occupied by a groaning blonde, she slipped under the covers, moving them so they covered Clarke as well. Inching closer, she curled up into her healer's side, sighing happily as an arm flops over her.
"You sure you want to sleep this close? You might get sick."
The warning is murmured with barely any energy, but she ignores it, snuggling closer.
"I'll be fine. Getting sick is a small price to pay if it means I can sleep next to you."
A happy hum is her only response as the arm pulls her closer. Lexa is almost on top of the blonde when they finally settle, legs tangled together, arms wrapped around each other. Her head rests on Clarkes slowly rising chest. It had been so long since she'd been this comfortable. She was clean, fed and uninjured for the first time in months. She was also pressed closely to the one she loved. While anxious thoughts still poked and prodded at the corners of her consciousness, they were easy to ignore as the steady and gentle rhythm of Clarkes heart lulled her to sleep.
EndNote: So, what y'all think? If you have any questions about my fics, want to talk about fanfiction or just want inconsistent updates on my progress, follow GillyTweed on Tumblr.