Chatper One: Human-Induced Hell

I decided I wanted a fun, kinda out of the ordinary story for the Cullens...one that shows them when they're not being watched by the Volturi or living up to their Twilight book personalities. xD

Hope you enjoy, and yes, I realize some of this is truly not possible in the vampire world (getting hurt, beoming human, whatever!) but please don't chew me out for it! Thanks!

And the typical stuff...I don't own Twilight, please R&R, never eat soggy waffles, yeah, yeah, whatever...

"Kids, I have to talk to you," Carlisle said, ringing his hands together. He was standing in the kitchen, on one side of the island with Esme. Bella sat opposite them, eating a plate of spaghetti at the counter, Edward, as always, at her side. It was about lunchtime, but everyone had already eaten, so they were all in the house.

"Ahem, ALL CULLEN CHILDREN!" Carlisle said a little louder, and Alice came into the room, Jasper trailing behind, followed by Emmett.

"Emmett, where is Rosalie?"

"You said "All CULLEN CHILDREN, and she said she's a Hale."

Carlisle sighed. "Ah, whatever. I have a surprise for you guys!"

"WHAT?" Alice yelled. "How? I didn't see a surprise coming…AM I SLIPPING?" dejectedly, she sat on the stool next to bella and slumped her head upon the table. Jasper sat next to her, stroking her shoulder comfortingly as Emmett cackled. Esme shot him a death glare.

Carlisle simply smiled. "How would you all like to know what it's like to be HUMAN?!?!"

There was a moment of utter silence. Then all hell broke out.

"YES! YES, OH, YES! HUMAN MEMORIES ABOUND! THANK YOU CARLISLE!" Alice shrieked, tackling her adoptive father in a millisecond.

"No! I don't want to have to be all marred up again!" Emmett exclaimed, grabbing at his hair, visibly upset.

"You mean, a chance to be human with Bella?!" Edward exclaimed, embracing her tightly, so tightly that she immediately dropped her fork in her plate, choking out her food all over the table. Suddenly Rosalie came down thesteps, saw the regurgitated tomato sauce splattered across the counter, looking quite like blood, and bore down on it like Alice at a half-price-shoe-sale.

"I want some too!" Jasper yelled, ignoring the news. Having been preoccupied with Alice's happiness, he now bore down on Rosalie, tearing at her.

"You guys!" Carlisle yelled, limping to the counter where Jasper and Alice fought, hung upon by Alice, who was shrieking in her ear.

"Edward! You're- choking! Mee-" Bella coughed.

"BELLA! WE'LL BE HUMAN AND GO HAVE FUN LIKE HUMANS AND DO STUFF LIKE HUMANS TOGETHER!" At Edward's words, Alice piped up, leaped off Carlisle, across the counter, embracing Bella. The sudden shift of weight launced Carlisle, smacking his blonde head against the counter, which promptly bounced fof the surface and into the faux-feed-fest before him.

"Let her go, Edward!" Esme yelled. "Emmett, stop pulling your hair out!"

"BUT I LIKE EATING BEARS! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO USE A GUN!" Emmett wailed from the corner of the room.

"Emmett, you won't look like you did when you were human!" Esme explained, while trying to pry both Rosalie and Carlisle away from the counter. Carlisle was screaming, Rosalie fighting ferociously for her right to food.

"NOT TODAY, POPS!" She yelled, bashing his head upon the countertop violently.

"Oh," Emmett said, the realtiy dawning on him. "'kay," he walked into the other room to watch tv. Esme sighed.

Alice hopped on Jasper's back, yelling happily. "WE'RE GONNA BE HUMAN!"

"This isn't blood! IT'S HUMAN FOOD!" Jasper wailed, his pale face seeming to turn green, even though that was obviously impossible. Without thinking, his emotions overflowed to fill the room, and soon everyone was feeling a bit nautious. Emmett could be heard gagging from the next room over, and Bella ran to the bathroom as Jasper ran around the room waving his hands wildly, Alice still on his back.

Emmett ran into the room an began to chase Jasper, begging him to stop, forgetting his wife, who was still trying to feed on the food, ignoring Carlisle's screams for help as Edward ran to the bathroom to help Bella while Esme attempted to wrench Jasper out the door. Emmett tied a string across the floor frm cabinet to cabinet, effectively tripping Jasper, who writhed on the floor, which unfortunately backfired as Alice leapt to her next victim, namely, Emmett.

Bella returned from the bathroom, looking queasy, before tripping on top of Edward who fell onto the counter and into the Rosalie and Carlisle mess.

Ah, sweet family bliss.