The One-Winged Butterfly
To my dearest Dan.
"The final judgement is yet to be made.
No one can escape the sin that flows in their veins.
I can see the dark clouds gather to the tune of the rumbling sea.
The winds of the gale begins to ring.
The enigmatic words make the blind chuckle, the ones who lies in their graves start to mumble, twist and turn.
While the banquet of this erratic night unfolds, with it's typhoon of despair.
The wishing hope is falling towards the blazing fires of hell,
Are they an abomination, these golden butterflies
with their wings dipped in sins to many to count?
Now do not dare to shed any tears,
you have played your turn, my golden dreams must die,
and you must destroy these imprisoned illusions.
Just this once, revive above your dreadful demise
Hold on to the unfulfilled promises in your heart
And I shall burst open the deep, deep sea of red!
As for the promises I have made to you, I cannot keep them.
I am sorry but the guilt that's taken over my heart has filled me with sin.
Are you innocent? Have you not sinned?
My own punishment is too heavy to weigh.
Are you aware of that which has no voice, which has no eyes, which has no soul nor heart?
Are you aware of the weight of your tainted sins?
This wound that does not seem to heal has the resemblance of a crimson rose,
which blooms as the hatred lodged in my heart becomes insufferable.
Do not dare to run,
You must fight, face the past, present and future
Not with uncertainty of it's outcome, embrace it.
Seize the day as if there is now tomorrow.
For who knows what tomorrow might bring?
The secret it whispers, with its golden wing torn of,
Is it a sin? What does the one-winged butterfly
call out in its final moment?
Do not dare to hide,
accept your errors, the truths, the lies
And let the illumination guide you.
With love, with sorrow, accept it's late answers,
and tightly, tightly hold on to it.
Can you see?
The dazzling light that begins to flow as the door to paradise is opening and reveals what lies ahead.
Miracles pour onto this obstinate fate.
Our dark and twisted world begins to crumble, as it's being swallowed with light.
Do not dare to speak the words of the eternal curse.
Do not dare to listen to your true wishes.
Do not dare to cry,
Raise your sword and fight, deny me with all your might.
You must not give up, protect yourself from my tainting sins
And revive pure, once more.
While I shall burst open the deep, deep sea of red.
I'm sorry for not keeping our promise, because my guilty heart, full of sins is slowly being pierced by your pure truths, as I now lay to rest, do not take the blame for our early parting.
Because if you do, it will be a lie which makes you a sinner, like me.
So do not dare to cry,
Or believe in lies. If you do believe in them, your golden wings will be torn off and you will not be free anymore.
I am wishing for you to find absolute truth.
So that you may be free to soar through the sky, once again."
Your's only, Phil.
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
I looked at the paper in my now shaking hands.
Is, this for real? It couldn't possibly-
I ran to the door grabbed my jacket and jumped into a pair of shoes. I knew he was depressed, but not, this depressed.
When i had taken my seat in the car i realised I had no idea, where he was or where he could be. I furiously slammed on the steering wheel.
- Why? You little twat!
I leaned back and rested my head on the seat.
-It has to be a dream, a nightmare. He wouldn't-
Of course he would. He's done this once before. He barely survived then, and that was even before I knew him, but his mom told me. When he came out, everyone at his school started to neglect him.
Back then he jumped a bridge in manchester.
- Fuck!
I started the car and skidded out from the garage and took off towards the nearest bridge. And there on the railing, I could see the silhouette of a man with short black hair and pale skin. I increased the speed and abruptly hit the brake about 6 feet from him. He didn't even turn too look who it was, he just looked down into the impressively fast current that was the Themes.
- And what do you think you're doing you twat! I hollered at him.
- I was about to jump, but then you came. He was still looking down into the water, not even glancing at me or blinking for that matter.
- How dare you?! You don't get to make that call, Phil! How could he be so calm and natural about this? The tone he's using sounds as if we were having a normal conversation about the weather.
- And why not, DAN? He finally looked at me, right at me. - Why not? Huh, it's MY life I'm throwing away, NOT YOUR'S, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? The look he gave me was broken and scared. I just wanted to embrace him, say that everything would be ok.
- Phil, the moment you said that you loved me was the moment were you couldn't decide on your own, and the same goes for me, when I told you that I loved you back, I couldn't decide on my own either! Phil, listen to me for fuck's sake! I LOVE YOU, isn't that enough for you? AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? At this point my voice cracked and tears were streaming down my cheeks.
- Dan... He reached out for me and I was just about to grab his hand when a strong gust of wind made him lose his balance, just for a second and before I could even blink he had disappeared,
fallen from the railing and right into the muddy water.
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
- It's not like in the movies, you know. Where you kind of see it in slow motion as you leap forward and grab your lovers arm at the right moment.
But that's not how it really works, you don't have one of those slow motion scenes, it all happens in a heartbeat.
I didn't even get to blink before he was gone. I just stood there as i could hear him scream as he fell into the water and when I finally got my body to move to the railing, he was already long gone, taken by the current.
And you can't yell "cut" or "stop" and try again, cause you never get a second chance. But you can rewind it in your mind to see it again and again, and in your mind you can pause, you can rewind and make it different, better. You can't delete the original though, the original will always be there and you can't change it, even if you want it too.
- So, your friend-
- boyfriend, I corrected him, He is my boyfriend,Phil.
- Ok, your uhm, boyfriend, you said that he had done this once before?
- Yes?
- Well, I don't want to sound insensitive, but didn't you ever during the time you two were, well "together", see or suspect that he would do something like this? He took of his glasses and looked at me with his analysing eyes.
- Are you trying to emphasize something? Like Oh, I don't know that it was MY FAULT, that I didn't notice earlier and taken care of him? So that he wouldn't have died?
- I wouldn't put it like that, but if we had been able to get too Mr. Lester in time we might have-
- So you are saying it's my fault? I looked at him as I felt a boiling rage slowly making it's way towards my head.
- No, no of course it's not your fault! He waved with his hands as if to brush my words of him, as if they were a physical thing. No, that's absurd, it was Mr. Lester's own choice to jump that bridge, you didn't make him now did you?
- The wind PUSHED HIM OFF THE RAILING, GOD DAMN IT WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I'M ACTUALLY SAYING INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO BLAME?! I felt feverish and warm, but I couldn't calm down.
- But, it wasn't the wind that "pushed" him from the apartment all the way to the bridge and onto that railing, now was it?
- Are you being sarcastic with me, by using my dead boyfriend as a punchline? I could feel my throat starting to hurt.
- Well it was his choice to stand on that rail-
- NO, I'm sick of your bull shit! I can't listen anymore. I flew of the chair and headed towards the door.
- Then if it wasn't his own will to stand on that railing, then who put him there in the first place?
I turned around and slowly started to walk towards him as I spoke:
- "Who put him there in the first place"? I tasted the words bitterness in my mouth. Who do you think? It's because of people like you. People that can't accept, that can't understand NO, that doesn't want to understand!
People like you who think it's fair that people like Phil and I aren't allowed to love one another, to be with one another.
Why do people like you have to make it your affair, what we do? What we want or who we love?
Why is it people like you's business, I don't even know you. So why is it such a "big problem"?
Why could people like you get to go and poke around in my, NO, our love life as if you have the right to do so. Why bother?
Did we affect your lives that much?
I can't see the problem with how the two of us being in love could affect so strongly on other people's lives. Or is it just me that doesn't understand just how much of your business it apparently is?!
I hate how people like you think that what my partner had in between his legs, define who we were, and what kind of people we were. It's just complete bull shit how I had people who were supposedly my "best of friends" but then when I "come out" in complete trust towards them, they just suddenly resented me, they lost all respect and love for me, just because I like the wrong piece of meat in between someone's LEGS!
- How dare y-
- NO! Now i was standing right infront of him with eyes burning of hatred. Listen, for once, just listen to me!
- F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.
Fuck the world! Fuck society and it's incompetent "everyone is equal" bull shit! Fuck people that change their affection, love and respect in just a heartbeat just because I like penis more than what is "supposed to be"! Fuck the fact that I couldn't marry Phil, the one I love more then anything! Fuck the fact that we couldn't adopt because we were both guys! Fuck the fact that all LGBT relationships are everyone else's business to poke and prod in! Fuck the fact that the world is corrupt enough that, I even have to say all this!
I should be able to love, do, feel and be myself without hearing words like disgusting, wrong, gay or not real love behind my back! Do you want to get punched or are people like you just generally sadistic? Do you really think that I choose to love him? You can't choose who you love and what you feel attractions towards IT'S IGNORANT TO THINK OTHERWISE!
- Get out! NOW! He grabbed my wrist trying to drag me out.
- "I wanna cover my bedroom walls with pictures of you, and maybe then I can remember how it felt to sleep with you.
I wanna embrace something, so that I can close my eyes, and maybe then i can remember how it felt to be near you."
He stopped and just looked at me.
- He knew what he was talking about.
He knew about all the hurt and resentment.
He knew how it felt to be betrayed by the ones you love the most.
He knew how it felt to have to choose between family and the one you love.
I was hoping he'd choose the later, but I don't hate him for not choosing us.
It was just not supposed to be, at least not in this life, maybe in the next one we might meet again, and fall in love once more.
Maybe then it will be our time, our turn.
Who knows?
Or maybe it will be the next one or the next one after that.
It doesn't matter how far away or how many lives I have to live until we meet again. I will wait for that day. So I hope that, he will do the same.
Cause our love is worth waiting for.
- You- You're just a kid. He looked oblivious, as if he couldn't believe the words I had just uttered.
- Yes, I'm "just a kid". But that doesn't mean I can't feel, that I can't know or understand. Just because you have lived longer than me, doesn't mean that you know more than me. Just that you have had the time to understand, but you have ignored the opportunity to do so. Farewell and have a nice day, sir.
The man stood speechless as he watched the tall boy with glistening chocolate eyes and dark brown hair turn around with a big smile on his face as he close the door behind him. - Isa Sophie Ring