Diffusion: scattering of light: the scattering of light in many directions as the result of reflection from an uneven surface or passage though a translucent material. So kind of like what happens when the plot to Metroid Fusion goes through my brain. This is both a parody of Metroid Fusion and my own personal envisionment of how the plot should have played out. Because the changes that I would make are all so simple, this is only going to be a oneshot. Happy Reading!
Metroid: Diffusion
Far, far away, deep in space there was a strange planet with the extremely generic name of SR388. With the unlimited powers invested in me as the author, I hereby rename it Silly Raccoon 388. There, the universe always has room to improve, doesn't it? On the surface, it was a sparse and barren world. And even stranger than the empty surface was the subterranean levels, which were once filled with bizzare, floating creatures called metroids. Unfortunately, and because of the actions of a certain female mercenary, these metroids were no longer to be seen in their natural habitat. However, our story doesn't take place on this planet or within it, it takes place in high orbit above the planet on the B.S.L. (Bonker's Slap-happy Laboratory) station built into an asteroid. Why the corporate grease balls of tomorrow decided that the costly act of hollowing out an asteroid for a base was the way to go instead of just making one from scratch is still beyond me.
"I have news from H.Q. They can support you with downloadable weapons data. Once you have this data, you'll be able to use Missiles. This will help against some enemies your beam can't hurt. Head to the Data Room for the download. The Data Room is here. Is your objective clear?" asked the talking computer to the mercenary under his command. After running through her mind the path to the data room, the famous mercenary, Samus Aran, replied "Yes."
"With Missiles, your chance of survival climbs to 20%…" finished the computer. Because it had exhausted all of it's talking points, the computer saw fit to unlock the door to the Navigation Room and let Samus run free…Which she did. On her way to the Data Room, Samus only ran into two X parasites-the 2 wimpiest ones on the entire space station. Three beam shots, some running, and several front flips later, Samus reached the elevator and began to ascend to the observation deck. While on the elevator, Samus decided that because missions like these usually involved little to no talking, she should have an internal monologue.
"That computer reminds me of a gruff Federation CO I served under named Adam Malkovich. He called me "Lady" on missions; from anyone else, it would've sounded sarcastic, but Adam made it sound dignified. Out of respect and with some irony, I named the computer after him…"
Samus quickly reached the Observation Deck, climbed to the second story of it, and entered the next Navigation Room. And this, my friends, is where things got a little fuzzy…
As Samus tried to enter the doorway into the Data Room to download the missile program, she found that the door was locked. To find out what was wrong, Samus accessed the Navigation computer…
"Sorry, but that door will have to stay locked while H.Q. finishes this download program." said the computer. Samus immediately became suspicious.
"Hey! How long could it take them to send a Missile program? It shouldn't take that long."
"Oh, but they've changed their minds." stated the computer bluntly.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, the corporate suits at H.Q. have had a change of heart. They have decided that the best way to eradicate the X parasites from the space station is to have you armed to the teeth with an unholy crapload of your usual arsenal. So they are making several additions to the download program."
"Like what?"
"Oh, super-missiles, morph ball, bombs, power bombs, wave beam, hi-jump, space jump, gravity suit and your screw attack."
"Uh, what?!" asked Samus, dumbstruck.
"Basically they've decided to get you fully armed, Samus, and right off the bat, too." the computer replied. "Oh, the door to the Data room has just unlocked."
"Um…wow. Thank you." Samus said. She could barely believe it, but a few steps later, and she was fully armed with all of the most powerful weapons and equipment she could hold. Because she was still unable to believe what had just happened, she ran back to the Navigation Room and turned the computer back on.
"Uh, computer, what's the catch here? I mean, there's got to be a catch. My job is never this easy. It always involves starting a mission fully armed. Then, for completely obligatory reasons, I'll immediately lose all of my powerups. After hunting those back down and destroying strange monsters in my way, I face off against some kind of ridiculously long and drawn-out final battle against a giant monster of some kind-usually the Mother Brain. Are you telling me that I don't have to do any of that?!"
"I really don't know what to say, Samus. Yes, it's no longer going to be like that."
"Alright then, what's the plot twist? Is this space station a secret front for breeding Metroids?"
"Oh, please, Samus that's not important. The real plot twist is all of the weapons you just received. Just be thankful of them and continue your mission."
"Is there anything else that I should know before starting the systematic extinction of yet another life form?" asked Samus.
"Why, yes, there's only one major plot twist left: I'm secretly the mind of your old C.O. Adam Malkovich. Apparently the Federation has the technology to transplant my mind into a computer. Now, even if this Space Station was a front for a Metroid breeding program, we are going to keep all of the different sectors locked away so that none of the evil flying jello monsters infect the life-forms there and create obligatory boss battles. Now, not to spoil anything, but if the Federation did have a secret Metroid breeding program, then it would be down there. As I said, we're keeping those area's locked, so you will be none the wiser. Now get to the target. Any objections, Lady?"
"Wait, did you just say flying jello monsters?" asked Samus, who realized that things today were really not following the norm.
"Uh, yeah. They reminded me of that one old episode of Star Trek. You know, the one with the evil, flying pancakes?"
"Adam, are you sure that I'm not dreaming, here?"
"Of course not. Now, electrical interference has cut power to the main elevator. This may be due to the evil flying jello monsters. Try to find another way to the target. It's located here. Any objections, Lady?"
"Uh, No Sir!"
Samus walked back out to the Observation Deck. It was hard to believe how much had changed since she first entered at the deck a few minutes ago. Looking around, she saw the obvious air duct she was supposed to blow open with a missile which would obligatorily lead straight to the first boss.
"Oh, screw it, I'm making my own rules." said Samus defiantly. She ran back to the main elevator, planted a power bomb, and then watched the beautiful fireworks as it destroyed the platform. She jumped down the elevator shaft and, as she said she would do, started the systematic extinction of all the flying jello monsters onboard Bonker's Slap-happy Laboratory. A few short minutes later, Samus had completely owned every thing she happened to run across, including the first boss monster and the SA-X (Stupid, Appalling Xenophobe).
After making quick work of everything on the station, Samus traveled back to the Shuttle bay, climbed back onboard her ship, and flew away, celebrating her extremely quick success with the shipboard A.I. who kindly revealed himself as the mind of Adam Malkovich earlier instead of later.
"Now, that's what I call a mission." Samus said with delight. "Short and simple. No need to travel down into sectors 1-6, destroy all the creatures there, and then discover a tank full of Metroids. No need to activate the self-destruct sequence on the station, and then alter the orbit of it so that I destroy not only space station, but Silly Raccoon 388 as well. No need to be locked inside a Navigation Room. And most importantly, I didn't run into Ridley anywhere. How could this get any better?…"
The computer only shouted it louder: "SAMUS!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!"
Sadly, this is the part where reality hit Samus hard in the face. She snapped back to attention to realize that she was still inside the Navigation Room onboard the space station.
"Uh, why am I back here?" Samus asked in a daze.
The shipboard AI became angry with her. "I just told you why you're here. You are going to the observation deck to download the missile support data that H.Q. just sent you."
"Oh, you mean the one that also has all of my most powerful weapons and equipment?"
"No. Seriously Samus, why would we give you all of that? You've only been here a few minutes. If your last several missions weren't an indication, then that's just not how it works. We are slowly going to give you one powerup at a time-and then only if we really feel like it."
"Are you Adam Malkovich?"
"No."
"Am I going to have to go down into sectors 1-6 and fight obligatory bosses there?"
"Yes."
"Will I eventually get locked inside a Navigation Room and be forced to talk my way out?"
"Only if you break into the secret labs and discover what is inside them."
Samus gulped before asking one final serious question. "Uh, is Ridley on this Space Station?"
"Yes he is, and you can bet your pale white ass that the X are infecting him as we speak, so get ready for some ridiculous boss fights."
"Instead of X, don't you mean the evil flying jello monsters?" this time it really was Samus's final question.
"Evil flying jello monsters?!" Samus, are you on crack or something?!" asked the flabbergasted computer program. "Great god, next thing, your going to tell me that SR 388 is really called Silly Raccoon 388 or something…"
And so, running, shooting, and front flipping her way back to the Data Room, Samus groaned as she realized an important truth. If you reach for the stars and get there unscathed with ease, then it's probably too good to be true…
Fin
And now, a note from the author:
You see! I didn't need to write a giant 30-chapter extravaganza of a parody. Just one small chapter containing a few key elements and a few simple jokes and that's all it really takes. Compared to my usual chapters, this oneshot is really pretty short. Anyways, please R&R if you aren't still completely weirded out by how silly this parody is. I still can't believe that I've broke my record and finished two whole chapters in one day! (this and a Resident Evil parody I am writing). So, I will ask one more time: I'm not sure how much traffic the Metroid page gets so please read and review! Thanks in advance.