Nothings mine Sequel to Broken and Shattered, it would probably make more sense if you read them but it still kinda works as a stand-alone
Warnings: mentions of cutting, slash, rating for language
Pieces
I wondered along the dark corridors, feeling safer than I ever did during the day, wrapped in darkness, the few flickering torches casting twisted shadows on the stone walls, Hogwarts was at its best during the night when the silence permeated everything and I could almost taste the freedom on my tongue. No-one to bother me, no-one demanding anything of me, just no-one, I wish the castle could be like this all the time, although that would make this less special I suppose and I'm fast running out of things that give me some relief.
Eventually I found my way outside after various hidden passageways and meanderings, the first lungful of sharply cold air hitting me like a jolt, making me wait a moment at the top of the steps leading out onto the grounds, the sky was clear tonight and the whole view looked almost ethereal tinged with the moonlight. Wrapping the cloak closer around me I let my gaze wander detachedly over the view that was laid out before me, I felt oddly as if the beauty of it should move me somehow, that it should make me feel something but I felt the same as ever, cold and numb.
I was deciding on where to go when a flash of silver that wasn't the moon caught my eye near the lake, I squinted at it trying to figure out what it was, curiosity stirring within me. It felt strange to be feeling curious about anything, strange to be feeling anything at all other than pain and I revelled in it, noting distantly the similarity to the curiosity I had felt over Malfoy, without conscious decision I was already making my way towards the strange object. I moved swiftly, still covered with the cloak, as I got nearer my stomach flipped in an entirely disconcerting way when I realised that what I had seen was the moonlight reflecting off of the silvery blonde hair of one Draco Malfoy.
What is it about him this year?
Slowly I crept a little closer, sidling around him till I could see the expression on his face and I was struck by the despair denoted in every line and all I could think was I've found him, the person I was looking for all along, someone every bit as lost as me and its Draco Malfoy of all people. Though now that I thought about it, it made a weird kind of sense, both of us representatives of the light and dark respectively no matter what we might feel, no matter how much we may hate it.
Driven by a sudden yet inevitable urge I backed away slightly and took my cloak off just out of his line of sight, without it I was seized by a churning feeling of vulnerability leading me to instinctively fold my arms across my chest, as much out of a need to hide the slight tremor in my hands as from a surge of defensiveness. Nervously I cleared my throat, I knew it had been just a small sound but in the silence it seemed to reverberate in my ears as Draco's head whipped around so fast he almost toppled over, his eyes widening so much that I might have found it comical had I not been so intent on searching those eyes for some glimpse, some hope that he might understand.
"What.." he started sounding as vulnerable as I felt, hope sparked within me, so much more than I had felt in so long, before he paused a moment, "What the hell are you doing here Potter?" my face fell and my eyes dropped slightly, no longer meeting his gaze, he was the same old Malfoy, the scornful tones and the sneer that lingered around the mouth, I knew my disappointment was obvious but I couldn't seem to care as I saw him blink in surprise. Suddenly I didn't know what I was thinking, what the hell had possessed me to make my presence known like that, this was the same guy who had hated me all these years, why would I think that I might be able to talk to him? All I wanted now was to be gone, hide away somewhere so that I could berate myself for being a stupid idiot in private, what right had I to hope there would just miraculously be someone to talk to? Someone to save me?
"Never mind, later Malfoy." I managed to sound offhand somehow as I turned around and started walking away back towards the castle, maybe I would go to the Room of Requirement for a while, there probably wasn't even any big mystery to Malfoy, he was probably just sad because he broke one of his expensive gifts. It was my own bloody desperation that made me imagine things that weren't real, hope for things that weren't real.
"Wait!"
Shit, did I just say that out loud? Oh merlin he's actually turning back as well with a cute little wrinkle of confusion on his forehead. I'm so screwed.
"Uh, what I mean to say is, you, you don't actually have to.. well...go" I cringed internally at how I had just managed to convey with a single sentence how utterly pathetic and desperate I was to keep him near me, I struggled to keep my facial features neutral as his eyes bore into mine, bright with curiosity. It must just be because I was having a moment to indulge my own depression that I had given into my vulnerability, I could have just picked a fight with him instead which would at least have got some sort of response out of him but we hadn't fought in a while now and maybe I could manage being friendly whilst not letting him realise the depth of my feelings for him. Stupid idiot, I growled mentally at myself, you're going to be walking a very fine line.
"Alright" he shrugged and started walking back towards me with quick decisive strides that had him sinking down next to me within moments, all I could do was stare, "What?" he asked
"Uh, nothing I guess" I shifted uncomfortably, trying to figure out how exactly everything had tumbled so swiftly out of my control and why for that matter Harry was there in the first place, I cleared my throat with the intention of trying to get an answer out of him only to be beaten to it.
"So what brings you out here Malfoy?" he said casually as if we talked like this with each other every day his attention oddly focused just on me, I blinked and swallowed my own questions as I tried to think instead of a way to answer him without really giving anything away.
"Couldn't sleep, you?"
"Same" I watched from the corner of my eye as his gaze turned back towards the water, his arms wrapped protectively around his knees in a way that sparked my own curiosity. For a moment I was tempted to reach over, close the distance between us and wrap my own arms around him.
No, don't be a fool.
Quietly I clenched the muscles in my hand till my nails dug into my side the way I often did when I felt I had made a mistake that would make a fool of myself even if others hadn't noticed, it was the only thing that brought back some clarity after the haze of frustration and self-loathing descended slightly. I focused on the minute pain and my breathing for the next few seconds as I tried to bring my reactions to Harry under control, the last thing I needed now was to let him know how much he affected me but at the same time what if this was my chance to make him see me as human, at least before my task was completed?
I opened my mouth to say something vague and friendly only to find myself interrupted, again.
"What's on your arm Malfoy?" His tone was quiet and thoughtful, not accusing but still I felt my throat constrict and my heart suddenly jumping with adrenaline, my hands clenched compulsively again and my teeth bit down on my lip till I tasted blood. At that moment I wasn't sure which would be worse, having him believe that it was the Dark Mark or realise that I was slicing my arm open every night and out of that fear came anger.
"What business is it of yours Potter?" I spat, he raised an eyebrow at me and I silently cursed at myself, I almost wished that he would just go away, I could think so much more clearly when I wasn't around him.
"It was just a question," he shrugged, "you don't have to answer." I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking then, perhaps I felt I had nothing left to lose, brusquely I held out my arm and pulled the sleeve up, my heart was beating so fast in that moment that my vision blurred slightly with dizziness. I watched as his eyes widened, fixated on the marks and the scabs and the scars. His hand twitched slightly as though he would reach out to touch them and I pulled back sharply, instinctively wrenching the sleeve down as far as it would go and wrapping my arms around my middle.
His gaze snapped immediately back up to my face and I looked at him cautiously out of the corner of my eye but he stayed silent, his expression unfathomable but incredibly intense.
"Happy now Potter? Is you curiosity satisfied? Because if you don't mind I was enjoying watching the sun come up so you can kindly bugger off and leave me alone." I knew that as hard as I tried to keep my tone flat and neutral there was an edge of panic to it, I knew that I wasn't fooling him as he carried on looking at me with those fearsome green eyes and I wondered if I would escape this with anything of myself left intact.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. What the fuck did you think you were doing? Were you trying to prove something? Do you want to be looked at with disgust or worse, pity?
"Malfoy.." he hesitated, "Draco. Why?"
I looked at him sharply but his expression professed only an earnest desire to understand, my breathing became unsteady for a moment upon realising that this was Harry, that he really was here and looking at me like that, I had to turn away to be able to come up with any kind of coherent answer.
I waited nervously as the silence stretched and Malfoy, no Draco, I had decided to start calling him that and I would stick to the decision, still sat quietly looking across the lake without answering my question. I figured that only patience would gain me any sort of answer so I contented myself with studying his features, I don't think I had ever realised before quite how expressive his face was when his guard was lowered as I watched his emotions flit across it. There was slight, seemingly subconscious, chewing of the corner of his lip at first then the slight crease of a frown, the lowering of the eyebrows and the fluttering of his eyelashes.
I don't think I had ever spent so much time studying someone's face and Draco's was fascinating, even the small movements of his hands utterly absorbed my attention, the arms wrapped so tightly around his waist as if to hold together a gaping wound in his stomach. I don't think I had ever felt so much empathy for another human being either.
That pale skin marred over and over again, how could I have ever thought Draco didn't know what pain was?
I was so lost in my own thoughts that by the time Draco started to talk it took me a second to realise.
"Its just what I need at the moment, alright?" his frown deepened for a moment before he spoke again, barely above a whisper this time, "Its what I deserve."
"You feel guilty?" I whispered, my voice oddly strangled as I began to realise how similar our pain was, how easily it might have been me to hurt myself like that, he threw me a look as if to say the answer was pretty obvious and I had to admit the question had been a little stupid. "But still," I carried on "that doesn't mean you have to cause yourself pain like that, you shouldn't be-"
"Spare me the Gryffindor speech Potter, I'm perfectly fine, its just a distraction, it makes feel less numb for a while, you should know what that's like at least"
"I-What?" I stumbled, startled by the sudden allusion to myself
"You" he waved a hand vaguely towards me whilst I continued to look at him in confusion, he sighed, "Its like you barely feel anything anymore, you're just detached from everything and everyone, I know you're miserable. I'm just surprised your little friends haven't noticed yet, is it just a Gryffindor thing being that bloody oblivious?"
"How-" I shook my head as if that would make it any clearer, this conversation was just becoming more and more confusing, "What-"
"You don't have to deny it, its not like I'm going to go running off to the Prophet and tell them their 'Saviour' is depressed, in case you haven't noticed yet I have other things on my mind. Besides that would be more than a little vindictive of me given how hard the publicity and responsibility that comes with being their little hero is on you and I've got enough things to be feeling guilty about" I stared at him incredulously for a moment, wondering how he could talk about all of this so easily and how it was that he was the one who had just managed to prove in a few short minutes that he understood me almost completely.
I blinked and tried to force something, anything, coherent to come out of my mouth, "How do you know so much about me?" was all I finally managed, I saw with interest that Draco's shoulders visibly tensed and he avoided my gaze.
"I have eye's Potter, anyone can see how much pain you're in if they bothered to look"
"But why would you look? You hate me" his eyes flashed strangely then and I found myself even more intrigued, "Don't you?"
"I'm entirely indifferent to you Potter" he said and I was startled into a small snort of laughter which made him glare at me in annoyance.
"Sorry, its just, whatever we've felt for each other its never been indifference you have to admit, our grudge against each other started before we even got to school remember? Plus we've spent most of the last couple of years trying to best each other and thwart whatever plans we suspected the other of plotting." I chuckled again to myself, it seemed almost silly now considering that there had always been more important and threatening enemies and I was glad to see Draco's expression warm with slight amusement before suddenly dropping.
"I'm sorry" he whispered, his face turned away from me again, which I found so frustrating given that I had been making quite a study of it since seeing him out here that I almost missed what he'd had said, when it did finally register I was startled into blurting out "Why?"
"You know why, I was a sadistic little bastard, especially last year with the Inquisitor Squad and Umbridge" he shuddered and I felt my own muscles tense slightly.
"That was more her than you" I insisted
"I joined in though, I wanted to" he looked at me sadly for a moment before turning away again, for a moment I just didn't know what to say and we sat there in silence before I finally cleared my throat.
"Apology accepted" he smiled at me uncertainly, no doubt trying to seem unfazed and failing miserably, he looked almost cute for a moment and I found myself instinctively smiling back even as part of me marvelled at the fact that I was actually smiling naturally, it must have been the first time in a long time. Draco must have realised this too as his eyes widened slightly before their gaze dropped from mine, he shifted uncomfortably for a moment and I found my gaze drawn back to the view across the lake where the faint pink tinge of dawn was making itself known.
My breathing came out unevenly as I tried to focus on the scene before me with no success, this is bad, I thought to myself, I'm probably seconds away from revealing everything, I've already let far too much slip, my guard must really be down for me to let him pry all my secrets out of me like this. Though perhaps its just been so long since I've been this close in contact to him I've forgotten completely how to handle myself around him.
Theorising about why I was talking so openly didn't really help me at the moment though, all I kept seeing in my mind was that smile, I can't even remember the last time I saw him smile so openly and trustingly and the fact that it was directed towards me, it was hard to stop myself from imagining just jumping on him and kissing him senseless. Which is of course out of the question, even if he was starting to like me, or rather not hate me quite so much, he was still very very much heterosexual and completely off limits at any rate if I wanted to stay alive.
"You know you never answered my question."
"Huh?" very eloquent Draco, just wonderful, might as well change your name to Weasley now and have done with it.
"You never said if you hated me or not" Harry was looking at me calmly but his curiosity was clear, I'd have to be extremely careful as to how I phrased this.
"I don't quite despise you I guess, of course when the Dark Lord kills you I'll have to rejoice and dance in a river of your blood with the rest of his little cronies" I said sounding so bitter that I winced in distaste even as I shuddered at the thought of Harry being dead, said green-eyed wizard frowned at me.
"Do you want to be a Death Eater Draco?" he asked, his eyes looking searchingly in mine, I turned away from him and tried to swallow the lump in my throat.
"No" I said quietly, this was one thing I knew I couldn't lie to him about, especially with him looking at me like that.
"Then don't be"
"It's not that simple, he would hurt my family, he's going to as it is unless I-" I broke off suddenly smothering a sharp intake of breath, I had almost revealed my task, "unless I serve him" I glanced at him nervously hoping I had covered up my slip well enough. I hadn't, I could tell that well enough by the way his eyes flashed dangerously. Shit.
"Unless you don't what Draco? What is he making you do?"
"Nothing Potter, just leave it"
"No I won't, tell me"
"Don't go all Gryffindor on me now, its none of your business what I do or don't do, the only thing I'm forced to do is serve the bastard alright?"
"No, not alright, there was something else, I know there was, I'm not that fucking oblivious!" I mused detachedly that it was somewhat ironic we had ended up having an argument in the end anyway as I felt my own anger flare, fuelled by defensiveness and fear of what would happen if Harry found out. It's probably better this way anyway, safer at least and Harry shouldn't have to deal with me as well, he deserved better.
"Why don't you just fuck off Potter?" I said rising to my feet
"Well why don't you just use your bloody common sense for once? I can help you, you ungrateful bastard, just tell me what he's making you do, we can save your parents"
"You can't save everyone Harry, I would have thought you had learnt that by now at least after the fiasco at the ministry!" I saw him blanch and felt a sharp stab of regret in my stomach but carried on anyway, "Why do you have to be so bloody good all the time, can't you just accept it, life is fucked up! People do bad things, evil things, hurt people to save their own skin and there you are with your never-ending stupid bloody noble Gryffindor ways just shoving it in the faces of the rest of us how much better you are! How the hell is anyone supposed to keep up? If I don't do what he wants my father will rot in Azkaban and my mother will be tortured, do you get that?! Fucking tortured and probably killed, the woman who brought me up and looked after me even whilst Lucius could never be fucking bothered with me." I was screaming in his face and he just stood there looking at me with shock and sympathy and I couldn't stand it.
"STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! I don't deserve your sympathy, I don't deserve anything from you, I've done things that would disgust you, I'm not a good person like you, I just hurt people! Do you want to know who hurt that girl in Hogsmeade today with that fucking cursed necklace?" what little colour was left in his face drained then so that he seemed almost chalk white, his breath shaky and his eyes disbelieving and horrified.
"No" it came out barely above a whisper
"Yes Harry," I grinned maliciously, "Me, all me, that's the kind of person that I am"
"You don't have to be, he's making you, its not your fault"
"It doesn't matter"
"Yes it does, if its not your choice then you can't really be blamed, Dumbledore would understand, you just need to talk to him, he can protect you" I let out a desperate and bitter laugh
"Oh yes, I'm sure he will, he wouldn't trust me Harry, he knows its him I'm after"
"Dumbledore, Voldemorts asked you to kill Dumbledore?"
"Shit shit shit! What the hell is this? Even when I don't want to tell you something you get it out of me, are you using a spell or something because this is getting ridiculous now, I might as well just tell you I'm in love with you as well and have done" to my humiliation I found myself on the edge of tears.
"Draco.." my muscles stiffened as I saw him start to reach out.
"Don't come near me again Potter or I will think of a fate for you far worse than that girls, understand?" I said woodenly, gaining control of myself again, I didn't wait for an answer, choosing to turn and flee instead.
For a moment I just stared at him as he walked away, his strides so quick that he seemed to restraining himself from breaking out into a flat out run, my mouth felt dry and my heart was pounding and I was aware of a sharp not of complicated emotions swelling in my chest as I watched him go, trying to process everything from the last few minutes. Everything seemed frozen for a moment as I tried to catch up with everything he had said and then suddenly I was running, not even aware of how the transition from being frozen to the spot to racing across Hogwarts grounds had taken place.
"Draco, wait!" he carried on without looking back as if that would make me go away, I caught up to him quickly enough thanks to quidditch training and grabbed his arm to haul him around to face me, "Just wait a minute would you?"
"Get. Off. Me. Now." he growled with his wand appearing in his hand, levelled at me, I looked back calmly.
"Listen to me, please. You don't have to do what that bastard says" he opened his mouth to interrupt but I carried on speaking, "You don't, I know he has your parents but he doesn't have to know that you've betrayed him and by the time he does we will have made sure to get them to safety somehow, the Order is pretty damn good you know and I know that they would do everything in their power to help if Dumbledore asked them to. You can do what you want to do this time, not what your being forced to do, if you decide to carry on working for Voldemort then its your choice but I will be fighting you, I will be protecting Dumbledore." I let him go then, I didn't want to say anything about his last comment not yet, he had to make his choice first.
I watched almost without breath as he struggled with himself for what seemed like an age until he finally looked up and met my eyes hesitantly.
"You"
"What?"
"Your my choice, I'll go to Dumbledore, I'll even tell him everything I know about You-Know-Who's plans or whatever, I'd rather fight for you than him" he looked so scared for a moment that it wasn't really any surprise that I grabbed hold of him and hugged him in relief.
"Thank merlin," I breathed, ruffling the hair on the back of Draco's neck slightly, the Slytherin tensed slightly before relaxing and bringing his arms up shyly to hug me back. I couldn't remember how long it had been since I had felt this happy. On impulse I adjusted myself slightly and brought my lips close to his, my eyes flickered briefly to meet his for a moment before I leant in to kiss him.
I quickly found out that this was so much better than kissing Cho, Draco, after getting over his initial shock moaned quietly and pulled me almost impossibly close, his hand tangling gently in my hair as I found myself getting dizzy from sensation. I pulled back then and observed Draco thoughtfully, his lips looked gorgeously red, I was glad at least that I had already realised I was bisexual a while ago or this would have been a bit more awkward on my part.
"What was that for?" Draco blurted, apparently becoming uncomfortable with my continued silence and perusal of his face.
"Curiosity, I wanted to know what you tasted like" I grinned
"And?"
"I think I'll be doing that more often, I have to stake my claim after all, because you're mine now, okay?" I insisted feeling oddly possessive all of a sudden, "I haven't felt this alive in over a year and I'm not about to give it up to some mouldy old snake with an over inflated ego." Draco laughed and I found myself laughing with him. Darkness surrounded our lives but here with the light of dawn creeping across the grounds it felt like we could beat it back as long as we tried hard enough.
Finite, this was a hell of a lot longer than I planned but it just sort of worked out that way, I hope you like it though, let me know cause I'm a little unsure about this one so concrit is welcome :) ~XX~