Roses have thorns
Author. Jen the Genie
Rating. PG for strong language
Category. MSR- Angst
Spoiler; Post Orison - my take on how Scully feels.
Disclaimer. All characters herein belong to CC and 1013. No infringement intended.
The included sonnet is the property of William Shakespeare and I'm just doing what the rest of Hollywood does and borrowing it.
Notes: I'm usually reluctant to go into the post-ep arena, especially where angst is concerned but this piece haunted me for days and I knew that I had to give it a go. If I've got it wrong then I apologise.
Acknow: to Wu and Caz who volanteered for the uneviable job of Beta reading. Thanks .
Roses have thorns
Scully shivered and pulled the rug around herself a little tighter. Somewhere, just over the horizon it was getting lighter. Not the first light of dawn, but the cold, hollow grey just before. She lay back and watched the clouds as they moved soundlessly across the sky. A gap every now and then revealed a patch of stars; stars that were growing increasingly dimmer as the new day advanced.
The seat of the car was cold, but not cramped for her tiny, almost fragile frame. She shivered again. Reaching into the footwell, she fumbled for her cell-phone. Flipping open the cover she went to dial. Her finger stopped short of the 'on' switch and with a resiegned sigh she folded the phone back together. Pulling it close into her chest she went back to watching the sky. She felt the hot fluid as it began to pool within her and flood her eyes. At first she tried to fight it, but it welled higher and higher until she felt it scalding her cheeks. She wanted to howl. Howl like a wounded animal. To drag this rock like pain in her chest, kicking and screaming into the impending dawn. But it wouldn't come...the only thing that came were the tears.
"Damn it Scully! Where are you?" Mulder threw his cell phone with such force that it bounced clean off the couch and landed with a crash on the floor. He'd only been gone a couple of hours. She'd seemed fine when he left, understandably a little quiet, distracted , but nothing that had indicated she was going to do a vanishing act. He slumped where he had aimed the phone and pushed his head into his hands. He was angry, frustrated and more than a little afraid. This was not right, not normal, not Scully! He nudged the battered phone with his foot. It blinked reassuringly and hummed back to life. He looked at it for a moment then grabbed it up and hit the re-dial. The sound of the service going automatically to her voice mail just added to his frustration. Mulder pushed in her home number and listened as her answer phone clicked in yet again.
"Scully? Scully! If you're there, please pick up the phone," he was almost pleading. "I just need to know that you're OK!?"
Mulder pulled himself into an almost foetal curl. It was 4am and he was tired, but he knew that he wouldn't sleep, couldn't sleep.
The sand was cold, wet and grey in the half-light. The tide was retreating and the first speckles of dawn glinted on the Atlantic. Scully pulled her jacket tighter and continued along the beach. She wasn't sure what she was doing here, all she knew was that she had to get away; just retreat from the world - far,far away. She reached a small outcrop or rocks and perched herself on the edge. The light was stronger now and she could see further out into the dark restless water. Swallowing hard, she tried to focus on the horizon. The rock in her chest was still there, except it didn't feel like a rock anymore. It felt like a huge void - a gaping hole, a hole that felt as if nothing on this earth could ever fill. The tears started to come again. Harsher this time and she began to shake as the sobs wracked through her. The void within began to rise, began to climb into her mind. With a gasp, she threw back her head and began to wail like a banshee.
Mulder stirred fitfully. He had fallen into a troubled slumber. In his head, he was on the beach; his beach. He looked around. No it wasn't his beach. He started to walk, slowly at first. He was used to going to his beach when he needed to straighten his head out, this was different. He paused for a moment, he knew he was not alone but couldn't seem to find anyone else, couldn't make them out in the grey early light. He sat on the cold sand and tried to focus. Usually the boy came. i don't even know if you have a name? He looked around again. No boy! what am I doing here? He pushed his head into his hands and breathed deeply, listening to the sound of the surf. He was just going to get up and walk back when he heard it, a little sniffle. Mulder spun round quickly, who's there? He heard the sniffle again. His eye's darted across the rocks. It was still not light enough to see clearly. With hesitant steps he approached the out crop. The sniffling became louder - who's there?
The rocks were too high to see over. Mulder's heart was beating fast and loud as he rounded the dark edge. He was almost expecting to see the boy. He stopped. It wasn't the boy, it was a little girl. Mulder gazed at her. She didn't look up at him. She was hunched on the sands. Her little pink knees drawn up almost to her chin. Mulder stepped forward gently, so as not to startle her. She still didn't see him, she just rocked quietly to herself and sniffled again.
"Hi!" mulder crouched a few feet away. "Are you okay?"
"I'm lost.."*sob* her wet blue eyes reached out to him. Mulder eased himself onto the sand beside her. He put out his hand to comfort her but she pulled back with a frightened sob.
"It's okay!" he whispered pulling is hand away. "I'm not going to hurt you!"
The child laid her head on her knees and started to rock again. Mulder felt as lost as she looked. He wasn't quite sure what to do. He stared out across the water and sighed heavily.
"I'm lost," she was looking at him again. Mulder allowed his eyes to meet hers, hoping that she could read them. Hoping she knew he wasn't going to harm her.
.
"What's your name?" maybe he could help her.
"I don't remember" *sniffle* she wiped her nose on the back of her hand. Mulder smiled gently. She looked about five years old. A strand of strawberry blonde hair fell over her eyes, Mulder reached out and carefully pushed it away. Her eyes widened and watered again but she didn't pull away this time.
"Well," he started. "My name is Fox "
"I.. wwwant... to.. gggo...hh, home!" little tears began to fall again and Mulder felt a heavy pang inside.
"I want to help you sweetheart," Mulder felt his own eyes start to prickle as he stroked her head. "Do you know where home is?"
The child shook her head "I'm lost," she sobbed. "I don't want to play anymore!"
" I know; I know," he shushed. Her pain was tangible and he didn't know how to help her.
"Will you take me home?" she looked at him, wiping her eyes. Mulder smiled softly.
"Honey, I don't know where your home is," he told her gently. The child moved closer and reached out to him. Mulder lifted his arm and allowed her snuggle close to him. He felt strangely protective, but uncertain.
"You can take me home?" the girl gazed up at him.
"No, I can't. I'm lost," he sighed
"Then I'm lost too?" with a gasp the girl began to wail.
"Scully!" Mulder sat up with a start. He was wide awake and sweating coldly. He struggled to his feet and breathed deeply. Inside his chest his heart pounded. It was 5:30am. He grabbed his leather jacket off the floor and reached for his keys. He had to find her, he had to find Scully.
The dawn light spread across the Ocean. Scully sat on the sand, her knees drawn up to her chin, her arms clasped tightly around. As she stared out into the water she rocked gently. Mulder was right; well not always right. This time he had hit the nail on the head.
Donny Pfaster had done a number on her head big time - a full three digits. Just the thought of him made her shiver, made the pit of her stomach retch. She had seen far too much in her time at the bureau, far more shocking things, but this...... It wasn't just the attack, the fear for her life. This went much deeper. A cold painful little sigh as she felt the now familiar prickle in her eyes. She bit down on her lip and tried to force it back. Surely she didn't have any more fluid left in her. She swallowed hard. Untangling her hand she reached into her pocket. she fingered the cell phone for moment. I really should call Mulder! She dropped the phone and felt again, her fingers closed around the small hip flask. Pulling out the stopper, she tipped her head back and took a large slug. Oh Jesus! She coughed as the fire bit into her throat. Mulder definately wouldn't approve. She wiped her nose unceremoniously on her sleeve, staring into the waves. Watching as white gulls dipped and rose silently against the dawn. Here she could be peaceful, here she could drift away from what was troubling her. She took another slug and revelled in the heat it threw into her cold heart. No, she thought. It 's not that piece of shit I wasted that's the problem, it's everything.
Mulder wasn't quite sure how he knew which way to go, he just drove instinctively. He scanned every truck stop, diner and gas station for her car. He kept driving, across the bay and out toward the ocean road. As his car rounded the headland his breath caught in his throat. Below him was the beach and in the parking lot he could see her car. Mulder skidded into the space next to hers and, without waiting for the engine to die, leapt from the car.
"Shit!" he slammed his hand down hard on the roof. Her car was empty and locked. His eyes scanned around. There was a small path leading down to the beach. Mulder started to trot, then to sprint along the path, down to the water. As he hit the newly surfed sand he saw her.
"Scully!" he tried to shout to her, but the profound relief choked in his throat. She was sitting, her back up against the rocks, knees drawn up, staring out into waves. Mulder paused, she looked so small. Taking a deep breath he walked cautiously up to her. Scully didn't look up, but it was painfully obvious that she had been crying. Her eyes were red, puffy and slightly glazed.
Without saying anything Mulder sat down beside her and gazed out to where she was looking.
"Hey," he said softly after a while. Scully never spoke, reaching out her hand she grabbed his tightly.
"You lost?" he asked quietly squeezing back. Scully nodded. Mulder moved up a little closer. Protectively he slipped an arm around her shoulder. She leaned against him wearily her eyes still locked onto the horizon. With a little shudder of her shoulders, she began to cry again.
"Ssh...sshh...it's OK," he rested his chin on her head and stroked her shoulder. Each sob tore into him a little more.
"You want to talk?" he asked as her sobs subsided. She shrugged.
"You don't have to. I just thought it might, y'know..." his voice faltered.
"I know," she pushed her free hand through her hair. "I had to get away." Finally she looked at him. "I'm sorry......" she trailed off.
"Don't be," he offered a gentle smile.
They slipped back into silence. Mulder felt her shiver and without a thought he pulled his jacket around them both. Scully slipped her arm about his waist and hugged him tightly.
"So you like it here?" it seemed such a banal question that Mulder almost winced.
"I like the water," she hugged him again. She seemed to be drawing some kind of strength from his nearness. "I wanted.....I needed some time to think."
"I understand."
"Do you Mulder? " her eyes sought his, questioning. "Do you really?"
"I understand the need for space and freedom and quiet."
"It's more than that Mulder," her voice was dark. She sighed a heavily.
"So tell me?"
She drew away and looked at him, "I don't even know where to start."
"Was it the case? You didn't have any choice!"
"Shit, Mulder, I know that! It was either him or me. That was all I could think about," she began to shake.
"Scully.."
"Don't try to rationlise this for me!" she pulled herself away. Hot angry tears flooded up again. "I.....Christ!"
"I'm not trying to rationalise this; I'm sorry."
"Yeah!, well you failed," Scully wiped her eyes and pulled out the hip flask again. Looking Mulder squarely in the eye she took another defiant slug. "You don't get it ? Do you?" she coughed.
"Obviously not," he motioned to the flask. "Is it that bad!"
"Yeah, it's that bad," she drained the last of the liquor and threw the flask angrily toward the water. "Yep! It's that fucking bad!" Rising to her feet she walked to the water edge. Mulder leaned back against the rocks. It killed him seeing her this raw, this angry and emotional. He wasn't sure what he should do or say. He sighed deeply.
"I'm sorry Mulder," she turned to look at him. "It's not your fault. I wish I could explain it. Fuck, I wish I could expain it to myself."
Mulder shrugged. "You don't have to explain anything to me. Look, Scully if you want me to go? I just needed to know that you were safe."
Scully walked back to where he was sitting and sat cross legged in front of him. Tentatively, she reached out and brushed the back of her hand against his cheek. Mulder allowed his eyes to meet hers, "It's not just the case, is it?" She shook her head.
"Do you want to quit? I mean the X-files?"
"If I quit ......." she tore her eyes away from his "Then it will be the whole damn thing; the bureau, everything. "
"Oh!" his eyes focussed on the horizon as he pondered her words.
"Do you think I should quit?" she pulled his eyes back to hers.
"I think," his throat tightened "I think you should do what's right for you."
A small cold mocking laugh. Scully looked at Mulder and asked, "What's right for me?" Her eyes began to pool again. Reaching into his jacket, he took out a hanky and reached to wipe the tears away.
"I wouldn't know what was right for me if it ran up and bit me on the ass," she said quietly. Scully took his hand and pulled it into her lap. She turned her eyes skyward and bit her lip to stem more tears as she thought of her cancer, her infertility, the loss of her sister. "Oh Mulder, I am just so tired of everything."
"Scully, If you want to quit," he squeezed her hand. He couldn't bring himself to say anything else. For a moment it felt as if the bottom of his world had just disintigrated. After a moment she squeezed back. "No Mulder," she shook her head. Somewhere deep in his chest his heart started to beat again.
"Sometimes I just wonder what happened to me?" she pulled his hand over her heart. He could feel it racing under her clothes. "How did it all become all encompassing?"
"Yeah! I know." That, he understood totally.
"It's like I don't recognise myself anymore. Everything that I thought I was; I thought I could be...." the tears slid down her pale cheeks. "I look in the mirror in the morning and I don't know who I'm looking at......" her voice became a whisper.
"So who do you see?"
"That's just it, I don't know," she took a deep breath. "I look at my life and I see no hope anymore. All the things that I thought would be, that I assumed - all my foundations are like sand. Even my faith in the power of God. Everything Mulder, everthing has shifted. Can you understand this?"
"I have faith Scully. I have faith in you," he leant forward and kissed her forehead. "In this life you have been my one constant, my rock, my foundations. You're stronger than you believe."
"Then why do I feel like this?"
"Because you're human, and being human has it's frailties, it's fears, but it doesn't make it wrong. It doesn't make you wrong," he took her in his arms and pulled her close. she leant into him.
"Thank you Mulder."
"For what?"
"For understanding, for believing in me," her eyelids began to droop. She was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Mulder pulled her closer, the warmth of his body was comforting, soothing. Scully began to drift away. Mulder gazed down at her, smiled gently then began to whisper to her
"No more be grieved at thou which thou hast done:
Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud:
Clouds and Eclipses stain both moon and sun,
and loathsome canker lives in the sweetest bud.
All men make faults, and even I in this,
Authorising thy trespass with compare,
myself corrupting, salving thy amiss.
Excusing thy sins more than thy sins are;
For to thy sensual fault I bring in sense- -
Thy adverse party is thy advocate
And gainst myself a lawful plea commence
Such civil war is in my love and hate.
That I am accessory needs must be.
to that sweet thief which robs from me."
"Mulder?"
"I thought you'd dozed off." he grinned sheepishly, his cheeks colouring.
"You're a sweet talking bastard when you want to be," she mumbled
"But an educated bastard." he chided.
"Yeah - an educated bastard."
*******************************************************************
As always feedback is appreciated. contact me at Jenna.caine@ntlworld.com
Author. Jen the Genie
Rating. PG for strong language
Category. MSR- Angst
Spoiler; Post Orison - my take on how Scully feels.
Disclaimer. All characters herein belong to CC and 1013. No infringement intended.
The included sonnet is the property of William Shakespeare and I'm just doing what the rest of Hollywood does and borrowing it.
Notes: I'm usually reluctant to go into the post-ep arena, especially where angst is concerned but this piece haunted me for days and I knew that I had to give it a go. If I've got it wrong then I apologise.
Acknow: to Wu and Caz who volanteered for the uneviable job of Beta reading. Thanks .
Roses have thorns
Scully shivered and pulled the rug around herself a little tighter. Somewhere, just over the horizon it was getting lighter. Not the first light of dawn, but the cold, hollow grey just before. She lay back and watched the clouds as they moved soundlessly across the sky. A gap every now and then revealed a patch of stars; stars that were growing increasingly dimmer as the new day advanced.
The seat of the car was cold, but not cramped for her tiny, almost fragile frame. She shivered again. Reaching into the footwell, she fumbled for her cell-phone. Flipping open the cover she went to dial. Her finger stopped short of the 'on' switch and with a resiegned sigh she folded the phone back together. Pulling it close into her chest she went back to watching the sky. She felt the hot fluid as it began to pool within her and flood her eyes. At first she tried to fight it, but it welled higher and higher until she felt it scalding her cheeks. She wanted to howl. Howl like a wounded animal. To drag this rock like pain in her chest, kicking and screaming into the impending dawn. But it wouldn't come...the only thing that came were the tears.
"Damn it Scully! Where are you?" Mulder threw his cell phone with such force that it bounced clean off the couch and landed with a crash on the floor. He'd only been gone a couple of hours. She'd seemed fine when he left, understandably a little quiet, distracted , but nothing that had indicated she was going to do a vanishing act. He slumped where he had aimed the phone and pushed his head into his hands. He was angry, frustrated and more than a little afraid. This was not right, not normal, not Scully! He nudged the battered phone with his foot. It blinked reassuringly and hummed back to life. He looked at it for a moment then grabbed it up and hit the re-dial. The sound of the service going automatically to her voice mail just added to his frustration. Mulder pushed in her home number and listened as her answer phone clicked in yet again.
"Scully? Scully! If you're there, please pick up the phone," he was almost pleading. "I just need to know that you're OK!?"
Mulder pulled himself into an almost foetal curl. It was 4am and he was tired, but he knew that he wouldn't sleep, couldn't sleep.
The sand was cold, wet and grey in the half-light. The tide was retreating and the first speckles of dawn glinted on the Atlantic. Scully pulled her jacket tighter and continued along the beach. She wasn't sure what she was doing here, all she knew was that she had to get away; just retreat from the world - far,far away. She reached a small outcrop or rocks and perched herself on the edge. The light was stronger now and she could see further out into the dark restless water. Swallowing hard, she tried to focus on the horizon. The rock in her chest was still there, except it didn't feel like a rock anymore. It felt like a huge void - a gaping hole, a hole that felt as if nothing on this earth could ever fill. The tears started to come again. Harsher this time and she began to shake as the sobs wracked through her. The void within began to rise, began to climb into her mind. With a gasp, she threw back her head and began to wail like a banshee.
Mulder stirred fitfully. He had fallen into a troubled slumber. In his head, he was on the beach; his beach. He looked around. No it wasn't his beach. He started to walk, slowly at first. He was used to going to his beach when he needed to straighten his head out, this was different. He paused for a moment, he knew he was not alone but couldn't seem to find anyone else, couldn't make them out in the grey early light. He sat on the cold sand and tried to focus. Usually the boy came. i don't even know if you have a name? He looked around again. No boy! what am I doing here? He pushed his head into his hands and breathed deeply, listening to the sound of the surf. He was just going to get up and walk back when he heard it, a little sniffle. Mulder spun round quickly, who's there? He heard the sniffle again. His eye's darted across the rocks. It was still not light enough to see clearly. With hesitant steps he approached the out crop. The sniffling became louder - who's there?
The rocks were too high to see over. Mulder's heart was beating fast and loud as he rounded the dark edge. He was almost expecting to see the boy. He stopped. It wasn't the boy, it was a little girl. Mulder gazed at her. She didn't look up at him. She was hunched on the sands. Her little pink knees drawn up almost to her chin. Mulder stepped forward gently, so as not to startle her. She still didn't see him, she just rocked quietly to herself and sniffled again.
"Hi!" mulder crouched a few feet away. "Are you okay?"
"I'm lost.."*sob* her wet blue eyes reached out to him. Mulder eased himself onto the sand beside her. He put out his hand to comfort her but she pulled back with a frightened sob.
"It's okay!" he whispered pulling is hand away. "I'm not going to hurt you!"
The child laid her head on her knees and started to rock again. Mulder felt as lost as she looked. He wasn't quite sure what to do. He stared out across the water and sighed heavily.
"I'm lost," she was looking at him again. Mulder allowed his eyes to meet hers, hoping that she could read them. Hoping she knew he wasn't going to harm her.
.
"What's your name?" maybe he could help her.
"I don't remember" *sniffle* she wiped her nose on the back of her hand. Mulder smiled gently. She looked about five years old. A strand of strawberry blonde hair fell over her eyes, Mulder reached out and carefully pushed it away. Her eyes widened and watered again but she didn't pull away this time.
"Well," he started. "My name is Fox "
"I.. wwwant... to.. gggo...hh, home!" little tears began to fall again and Mulder felt a heavy pang inside.
"I want to help you sweetheart," Mulder felt his own eyes start to prickle as he stroked her head. "Do you know where home is?"
The child shook her head "I'm lost," she sobbed. "I don't want to play anymore!"
" I know; I know," he shushed. Her pain was tangible and he didn't know how to help her.
"Will you take me home?" she looked at him, wiping her eyes. Mulder smiled softly.
"Honey, I don't know where your home is," he told her gently. The child moved closer and reached out to him. Mulder lifted his arm and allowed her snuggle close to him. He felt strangely protective, but uncertain.
"You can take me home?" the girl gazed up at him.
"No, I can't. I'm lost," he sighed
"Then I'm lost too?" with a gasp the girl began to wail.
"Scully!" Mulder sat up with a start. He was wide awake and sweating coldly. He struggled to his feet and breathed deeply. Inside his chest his heart pounded. It was 5:30am. He grabbed his leather jacket off the floor and reached for his keys. He had to find her, he had to find Scully.
The dawn light spread across the Ocean. Scully sat on the sand, her knees drawn up to her chin, her arms clasped tightly around. As she stared out into the water she rocked gently. Mulder was right; well not always right. This time he had hit the nail on the head.
Donny Pfaster had done a number on her head big time - a full three digits. Just the thought of him made her shiver, made the pit of her stomach retch. She had seen far too much in her time at the bureau, far more shocking things, but this...... It wasn't just the attack, the fear for her life. This went much deeper. A cold painful little sigh as she felt the now familiar prickle in her eyes. She bit down on her lip and tried to force it back. Surely she didn't have any more fluid left in her. She swallowed hard. Untangling her hand she reached into her pocket. she fingered the cell phone for moment. I really should call Mulder! She dropped the phone and felt again, her fingers closed around the small hip flask. Pulling out the stopper, she tipped her head back and took a large slug. Oh Jesus! She coughed as the fire bit into her throat. Mulder definately wouldn't approve. She wiped her nose unceremoniously on her sleeve, staring into the waves. Watching as white gulls dipped and rose silently against the dawn. Here she could be peaceful, here she could drift away from what was troubling her. She took another slug and revelled in the heat it threw into her cold heart. No, she thought. It 's not that piece of shit I wasted that's the problem, it's everything.
Mulder wasn't quite sure how he knew which way to go, he just drove instinctively. He scanned every truck stop, diner and gas station for her car. He kept driving, across the bay and out toward the ocean road. As his car rounded the headland his breath caught in his throat. Below him was the beach and in the parking lot he could see her car. Mulder skidded into the space next to hers and, without waiting for the engine to die, leapt from the car.
"Shit!" he slammed his hand down hard on the roof. Her car was empty and locked. His eyes scanned around. There was a small path leading down to the beach. Mulder started to trot, then to sprint along the path, down to the water. As he hit the newly surfed sand he saw her.
"Scully!" he tried to shout to her, but the profound relief choked in his throat. She was sitting, her back up against the rocks, knees drawn up, staring out into waves. Mulder paused, she looked so small. Taking a deep breath he walked cautiously up to her. Scully didn't look up, but it was painfully obvious that she had been crying. Her eyes were red, puffy and slightly glazed.
Without saying anything Mulder sat down beside her and gazed out to where she was looking.
"Hey," he said softly after a while. Scully never spoke, reaching out her hand she grabbed his tightly.
"You lost?" he asked quietly squeezing back. Scully nodded. Mulder moved up a little closer. Protectively he slipped an arm around her shoulder. She leaned against him wearily her eyes still locked onto the horizon. With a little shudder of her shoulders, she began to cry again.
"Ssh...sshh...it's OK," he rested his chin on her head and stroked her shoulder. Each sob tore into him a little more.
"You want to talk?" he asked as her sobs subsided. She shrugged.
"You don't have to. I just thought it might, y'know..." his voice faltered.
"I know," she pushed her free hand through her hair. "I had to get away." Finally she looked at him. "I'm sorry......" she trailed off.
"Don't be," he offered a gentle smile.
They slipped back into silence. Mulder felt her shiver and without a thought he pulled his jacket around them both. Scully slipped her arm about his waist and hugged him tightly.
"So you like it here?" it seemed such a banal question that Mulder almost winced.
"I like the water," she hugged him again. She seemed to be drawing some kind of strength from his nearness. "I wanted.....I needed some time to think."
"I understand."
"Do you Mulder? " her eyes sought his, questioning. "Do you really?"
"I understand the need for space and freedom and quiet."
"It's more than that Mulder," her voice was dark. She sighed a heavily.
"So tell me?"
She drew away and looked at him, "I don't even know where to start."
"Was it the case? You didn't have any choice!"
"Shit, Mulder, I know that! It was either him or me. That was all I could think about," she began to shake.
"Scully.."
"Don't try to rationlise this for me!" she pulled herself away. Hot angry tears flooded up again. "I.....Christ!"
"I'm not trying to rationalise this; I'm sorry."
"Yeah!, well you failed," Scully wiped her eyes and pulled out the hip flask again. Looking Mulder squarely in the eye she took another defiant slug. "You don't get it ? Do you?" she coughed.
"Obviously not," he motioned to the flask. "Is it that bad!"
"Yeah, it's that bad," she drained the last of the liquor and threw the flask angrily toward the water. "Yep! It's that fucking bad!" Rising to her feet she walked to the water edge. Mulder leaned back against the rocks. It killed him seeing her this raw, this angry and emotional. He wasn't sure what he should do or say. He sighed deeply.
"I'm sorry Mulder," she turned to look at him. "It's not your fault. I wish I could explain it. Fuck, I wish I could expain it to myself."
Mulder shrugged. "You don't have to explain anything to me. Look, Scully if you want me to go? I just needed to know that you were safe."
Scully walked back to where he was sitting and sat cross legged in front of him. Tentatively, she reached out and brushed the back of her hand against his cheek. Mulder allowed his eyes to meet hers, "It's not just the case, is it?" She shook her head.
"Do you want to quit? I mean the X-files?"
"If I quit ......." she tore her eyes away from his "Then it will be the whole damn thing; the bureau, everything. "
"Oh!" his eyes focussed on the horizon as he pondered her words.
"Do you think I should quit?" she pulled his eyes back to hers.
"I think," his throat tightened "I think you should do what's right for you."
A small cold mocking laugh. Scully looked at Mulder and asked, "What's right for me?" Her eyes began to pool again. Reaching into his jacket, he took out a hanky and reached to wipe the tears away.
"I wouldn't know what was right for me if it ran up and bit me on the ass," she said quietly. Scully took his hand and pulled it into her lap. She turned her eyes skyward and bit her lip to stem more tears as she thought of her cancer, her infertility, the loss of her sister. "Oh Mulder, I am just so tired of everything."
"Scully, If you want to quit," he squeezed her hand. He couldn't bring himself to say anything else. For a moment it felt as if the bottom of his world had just disintigrated. After a moment she squeezed back. "No Mulder," she shook her head. Somewhere deep in his chest his heart started to beat again.
"Sometimes I just wonder what happened to me?" she pulled his hand over her heart. He could feel it racing under her clothes. "How did it all become all encompassing?"
"Yeah! I know." That, he understood totally.
"It's like I don't recognise myself anymore. Everything that I thought I was; I thought I could be...." the tears slid down her pale cheeks. "I look in the mirror in the morning and I don't know who I'm looking at......" her voice became a whisper.
"So who do you see?"
"That's just it, I don't know," she took a deep breath. "I look at my life and I see no hope anymore. All the things that I thought would be, that I assumed - all my foundations are like sand. Even my faith in the power of God. Everything Mulder, everthing has shifted. Can you understand this?"
"I have faith Scully. I have faith in you," he leant forward and kissed her forehead. "In this life you have been my one constant, my rock, my foundations. You're stronger than you believe."
"Then why do I feel like this?"
"Because you're human, and being human has it's frailties, it's fears, but it doesn't make it wrong. It doesn't make you wrong," he took her in his arms and pulled her close. she leant into him.
"Thank you Mulder."
"For what?"
"For understanding, for believing in me," her eyelids began to droop. She was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Mulder pulled her closer, the warmth of his body was comforting, soothing. Scully began to drift away. Mulder gazed down at her, smiled gently then began to whisper to her
"No more be grieved at thou which thou hast done:
Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud:
Clouds and Eclipses stain both moon and sun,
and loathsome canker lives in the sweetest bud.
All men make faults, and even I in this,
Authorising thy trespass with compare,
myself corrupting, salving thy amiss.
Excusing thy sins more than thy sins are;
For to thy sensual fault I bring in sense- -
Thy adverse party is thy advocate
And gainst myself a lawful plea commence
Such civil war is in my love and hate.
That I am accessory needs must be.
to that sweet thief which robs from me."
"Mulder?"
"I thought you'd dozed off." he grinned sheepishly, his cheeks colouring.
"You're a sweet talking bastard when you want to be," she mumbled
"But an educated bastard." he chided.
"Yeah - an educated bastard."
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