Secret
His fingers are softly dancing upon her shoulder. She can feel the heat seeping through his barely grazing skin. She wonders if he knows he's touching her.
She thinks about other moments at such times; the heat of his touch as he unconsciously slides his hands across her back, the slight scrape of shoulder upon shoulder, or even the heat projecting from his body when he is behind her. She wonders if he knows what she's thinking.
When she is out with Sasuke, she often pretends every genuine smile is for him; that he is making her laugh; that he is there with her. She wonders if Sasuke knows what she's feeling.
She often glances at him during training. She wonders how many lives he's taken, how many women he's had, and how many hearts he has broken. She suddenly hopes that she's not going to be one of them. Then she laughs, convincing herself that he would never be given the chance to break her heart. Because she's with Sasuke.
She visits the memorial while he's on missions. She hopes that maybe some of her pain could repent for his sins, whatever they might be. He doesn't have to know. The memorial reminds her of him. And when he is gone, there is nothing of him left in Konoha to remind her of his existence, but the empty memorial. Once again, she wonders how long it would be until his name would be carved into the stone. She wonders how long her secret will last. So she stands there day after day, until she so happens to run into him; because she knows that that's the first place he'll be when he gets back.
He has such a strange aroma. It is a mixture of scandal wood and something purely inexplicable. The thought almost makes her smile. It is just so typical of him. Even his scent has to be mysterious.
When Tsunade hands her KIA files; new, old, or lost, her heart beats just a little faster with the manila folder in her hand. She's afraid of loss. Whether it may be her loss, or some random stranger's loss, she associates it with her feelings and how she may feel if she were to lose him. He is after all, not invincible, and neither is she.
She knows it's impossible to forget him; to not think of him; to not want of him. But she still tries. She knows that it's an intangible notion. No matter how much she wants it, she also understands that it's an impossible notion. She understands that there are some things better left unsaid, and some things that should forever stay buried. But she's a brilliant kunoichi, and even after all the impossibilities, she makes it all look easy.
She knows that she wasn't always like this; pessimistic, sarcastic, and just a tad cynical. Either way, sometimes, she's glad that she's turned out this way because in the end, most shinobi end up this way anyways; she's just skipping a couple of steps.
Their eyes often meet, and in a way, she is having a secret rendezvous. However one-sided it may be, the thought of this thrills her. She thinks that Sasuke is too dense to see, and her secret will forever stay a secret. Whatever the case may be, she knows this is a naive concept for secrets never JUST stay buried, especially when it lives, breathes, and takes lives. She can't tell what her secret is thinking. She wonders if he knows.
She tired from it all, so she tells Sasuke that it's over between them. He doesn't seem to understand, but he also does not utter a single word. He simply just watches her retreating back. She hopes he'll never find out.
Kakashi is gone on a mission, and she's still at the memorial. She thinks to herself that she hasn't been home for days. She should probably eat, but she knows she has no appetite, so she rests her head against the KIA tombstone. She's not just tired anymore, she's exhausted. She wonders how long she can keep this up.
The gang meet at a popular bar in town. She is reluctant to join. But thanks to Naruto's persistence, she is forced to don a suitable outfit and go. Kakashi is back, and she knows he'll be there. She's not sure if she should appear because she knows she has no energy left. She stares at herself in the mirror, reading the memories etched in between her irises. They're all hidden between her empty glances. She sees that the weariness has started to take its toll on her, indicated by the bags beneath her eyes. She shuts them, takes a deep breath, and leaves to face her demons.
The chatter is deafening, and her mind is spinning. Instead of reading his pornography like he's usually prone to, he is talking with the boys. She is quiet because she wants to be. She hopes the night will be over soon, so she can go home and try to get some sleep. She hasn't been sleeping; he is haunting her.
His lone eye catches her empty ones, and she suddenly overwhelmed. She looks away. Haruno Sakura was never good with herself. She's more than exhausted now, so she tells the boys that she has an early morning. She knows Kakashi knows she's lying, but she doesn't care anymore. He is haunting her.
She still can't sleep that night. She knows that she has a serious problem. The next day, she goes to Tsunade for some sleeping pills. The older woman looks at her with maternal affection, gives her potent sleeping pills that she claims will knock out 4 bulls, and asks her if she's alright. Of course Sakura must lie. So she says that she is, and retreats back to the memorial grounds. She's picked up a nasty habit, HIS nasty habit.
He is there at the memorial. She's tempted to talk to him, but knows better. So she turns around to walk away. He stops her by asking her what's wrong. From the tone of his voice, she's certain he knows the way she feels. But that's not enough to keep her there. So she heads home for her bed. That night, she finally sleeps. He is still haunting her.
For weeks, she is grouchy, irritable, and exhausted. The pills no longer work. She needs a solution. She knows she must take an extended mission away from Konoha.
Requesting such a mission was harder than she expected. Tsunade said she would think about it. Sakura feels desperate now. She knows she's at her limit. She can't go on.
She lays in bed that night, sleepless and exhausted. However, tonight feels different because she knows he is in her home, pacing outside her door. Tonight, he is physically haunting her. She feels sick with anger. She wants him out of her home, out of her head, and out of her life. She is fed up with feeling.
He is maskless when he enters, but she doesn't care. These childish games are beneath her. She tells him to go, that he shouldn't be here. He says nothing and presses his lips hard against her. She's given in to herself. He's given in to her.
She is still exhausted in the morning, but the dark circles are gone. She avoids him for the next week or so. She thinks what they did was a mistake. Tsunade wonders what's got her apprentice all caught up and high strung. Naruto wonders where the woman has disappeared to, and Sasuke, the ex, doesn't wonder, but attempts to look for her. She's disappeared behind her work, in her tub. She lays out her papers neatly on her sink and works the week away. No one will find her here.
The moldy bathroom tile smell is beginning to affect her concentration. She thinks that maybe being a hermit in a tub doesn't suit her as well as she might have thought. Contemplating for several moments, she decides that maybe it would be alright to change and go out for a drink. After all, she knows alcohol is always a good temporary solution to matters of the heart.
She sits at the bar at a new club opening. She thinks that she is lucky. The place is new and doesn't smell like moldy tiles. It isn't until she hears Naruto's voice that she curses and wish she had gone to the other side of town. Sasuke's eyes are leering at her, and the man she wished to avoid has now gone and started a blinking contest with her. She thinks to herself once again how lucky she is.
She looks like a deer caught in between headlights. She can see Kakashi moving towards her. The boys seem to look confused. She can sense danger, and as well as she has been trained to avoid such a predicament, she finds that she cannot for the life of her move.
He is now in front of her, asking her where she's been. Her mouth is frozen into place so she isn't in any position to respond. She thinks sarcastically to herself what lovely disposition she is in. He seems patient. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees the boys are watching intensely. Kakashi tells her he misses her.
When she finally snaps out of her reverie, she tells him she's been around working. He seems angry, but doesn't snap at her. Instead, he leans in and presses his lips against her. Despite what her mind is telling her to not kiss this man in front of such an audience, she finally melts. She is giving in to him, just like he's given in to her.