Padawan and Politics - A Yappy Obi story
Authors note: He's back! Finally! Yappy Obi, as a pre-TPM 13 year old nutty apprentice. It's all in fun.
Obi: Master, can we talk about politics?
Qui: No.
Obi: Why not?
Qui: It only leads to quarrels and bad feelings and certain people getting punched in the face.
Obi: It that why Master Bren whacked you the other day?
Qui: No comment and no politics.
Obi: Okay, but I just had a question about Senator Palamine.
Qui: Who?
Obi: Senator Papaville?
Qui: Who?
Obi: Senator Papadopalous?
Qui: Uh…
Obi: Senator Palpatate?
Qui: Obi-Wan…
Obi: Then what the hell is his name?
Qui: Who?
Obi: Senator Papla…Master, help me!
Qui: Describe him.
Obi: He's transparent.
Qui: What?
Obi: He's transparent. Well, that's how he looks. So, maybe his official color is pale, bordering on transparent. He needs some sun desperately, oh, and he wears those black socks all the time. And he's angry. And he hates me.
Qui: Many individuals hate you, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Not nice, Master. They just hate the idea of hugging me, not the person himself.
Qui: Yes, keep telling yourself that.
Obi: Back on point, Master. About Senator Papatino.
Qui: No.
Obi: Pacaderm? Palpalerious?
Qui: Are your referring to Senator Palpatine?
Obi: That's the guy!
Qui: That's not difficult to remember. And why did you want to talk about him?
Obi: It is and he's nasty.
Qui: And your point?
Obi: I don't really have one. I just wanted you to know that I don't like him.
Qui: Do you know him?
Obi: Yes. I was stalking him the other day and he caught me. He said that I should join the Dark Side too. I don't think I should do that, Master. It sounds cold and damp there and not well lit. And should he really be telling innocent children to go the Dark Side?
Qui: You are not innoc…wait…you were stalking him?
Obi: Not the point, Master.
Qui: Actually, it is the point.
Obi: Do I have to go the Dark Side like he says? I don't like stumbling around in the dark and these robes are not well insulated. I get cold all the time. Here, feel my hands. Feel how cold they are.
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: What?
Qui: You are babbling. About nothing. Stop it.
Obi: I don't like politics, Master.
Qui: Then why did you bring it up?
Obi: Conversation. We have so little to talk about, you and me. Oh, and the whole Dark Side thing.
Qui: You are not going to the Dark Side. I will make certain of that.
Obi: How can you be sure?
Qui: Because I trust you will make correct and mature decisions…once you grow up.
Obi: I don't make them now?
Qui: Your track record is less than optimal.
Obi: How can you say that?
Qui: Well, for one, you've been stalking senators.
Obi: Only one. Well, maybe a couple. A few. Okay, fine. I've been stalking most of them. Don't judge me. I get bored.
Qui: You could put your efforts into oh, I don't know…training, perhaps?
Obi: I could.
Qui: I do realize that perhaps it isn't as entertaining as stalking senators around the Temple, however…
Obi: I get bored easily. And trust me, even stalking cranky old politicians isn't all it's cracked up to be. They aren't the most excited things that ever existed. Old and creepy and wrinkly. How do you deal with them, Master? I mean, when we go on missions that are for negotiations, you actually seem to care about what the leaders say and do. But all they do is go on eight-week vacations then come back and talk down to people who are doing their work for them. They're like taller, mutant forms of Master Yoda. Without the troll part. Or maybe they are trolls, who am I to judge?
Qui: You've been judging them all.
Obi: I have.
Qui: Shouldn't you be in class right now? It's the middle of the day.
Obi: Yes.
Qui: And?
Obi: I left.
Qui: And?
Obi: I left the room?
Qui: And?
Obi: I walked into the hallway?
Qui: No.
Obi: But I did.
Qui: I mean, why did you leave class?
Obi: Oh, we have a substitute teacher today.
Qui: And?
Obi: Didn't we just do this?
Qui: Obi-Wan, why did you leave class? Having a different teacher is not a reason to ignore your studies.
Obi: I know.
Qui: So, why did you leave?
Obi: I don't know.
Qui: So, go back. Return to class.
Obi: I'd rather hang out with you, Master.
Qui: I have work to do.
Obi: But you are standing in the hall talking to me, so you can't have that much on your plate.
Qui: I was on my way to the destination for my work.
Obi: Oh, I see. You have 'work' to do. I get it. You're going to see Master Bren.
Qui: I am not. She's off-planet.
Obi: Are you cheating on her, Master?
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: Yes?
(Mace Windu approached.)
Mace: Kenobi. You should be in class.
Obi: I know, everyone keeps telling me that.
Mace: My class. You left without permission. Return now.
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: Master, it was boring. Master Windu spent an hour telling us how he cleans his bald head to make it so shiny. When will I ever use that information in my life? First, I'm not bald and never plan on being bald. Second, it's just weird. Put a hat on or something.
Qui: It does sound rather odd. Master Windu?
Mace: I was teaching the importance of cleanliness to a room of foul-smelling teenagers. You try sitting near 15 of the most horrible smelling creatures on the planet.
Obi: But you sit next to Master Yoda all the time…OW! Muuaasrrrr!
Qui: I will remove my hand from your mouth when you stop speaking ill of the Council.
Obi: Mmm…mmmmm…mm
Qui: I apologize, Master Windu for my apprentice's behavior. I will escort him back to class in just a moment.
Mace: Very well. Five minutes, no more. Goodbye.
Qui: Obi-Wan, you need to go back to class.
Obi: But he was doing what I said, Master. Just because we stink isn't reason enough to submit us to his weirdo bald head stroking for an hour. He's very vain, Master. I thought being vain was against the Code.
Qui: I do not believe it is.
Obi: It should be and they should put a image of him right next to that rule.
Qui: You do smell. Did you shower this morning?
Obi: No.
Qui: Have you washed your robe or tunics recently?
Obi: No.
Qui: Do you have soap?
Obi: Probably.
Qui: Do you use it?
Obi: Probably.
Qui: Do you think you smell good?
Obi: I do not.
Qui: They why would anyone else?
Obi: I didn't ask them.
Qui: You need to go home.
Obi: Now? But what about class? Master Windu told me to go back there in five minutes. If I don't, then I will defy the Council and then I'll be just like you, Master.
Qui: Hmm. Right.
Obi: So?
Qui: Perhaps you should to back to stalking senators.
Obi: Nah. Senator Papaville is too creepy for me.
Qui: Palpatine.
Obi: That's what I said.
Qui: You said, Papa…never mind. Just stop talking.
Obi: Okay.
Qui: And go home.
Obi: Okay.
Qui: Get into the shower, clothes and all, and use soap, and wash everything.
Obi: But I can take my clothes to the laundry and have them done for me.
Qui: Right. However, I'm worried that will not happen and you would simply get out of the shower and put the stink right back on you.
Obi: I won't, Master, I promise.
Qui: Promise, huh? Why am I not comforted by that?
Obi: Because sometimes I disobey you.
Qui: You do.
Obi: But I do stink and you would never consider hugging me until I smell better, right?
Qui: Sure, let's go with that.
Obi: Then, there is hope?
Qui: Sure, let's go with that.
Obi: Okay, I'll go home and smell better, but what if…uh oh. Master, look down the hall. It's Senator Palenstein.
Qui: Palpatine.
Obi: That's what I said.
Qui: No, you said…hush, Padawan and bow. Senator, good morning to you.
Palpatine: Good morning to you, Jedi.
Obi: His name is Master Qui-Gon Jinn.
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: Well, it is. He should be respectful of you instead of just calling you 'Jedi'.
Qui: Quiet. Please forgive my apprentice, Senator. He sometimes is not certain when he speaks too much.
Palpatine: I see. You look familiar, child. Have I see you elsewhere?
Obi: No and I am not a child. I am a Padawan.
Palpatine: You are familiar. You smell familiar.
Qui: I told you, Obi-Wan.
Palpatine: Ah, Kenobi. I remember you and I've been warned about you.
Obi: Really? By who?
Palpatine: The entire Jedi Council and the archives librarian of all people.
Obi: Archives Mary? I love her. She doesn't like me though. It's all good.
Palpatine: Do you smell like this when you enter the archives?
Obi: Do you talk down to people as a normal part of your day? OW! Muaasrrrr.
Qui: No more talking, Obi-Wan. Senator, please excuse us. We have lessons to attend.
Palpatine: Watch yourself, young one. My eyes are everywhere. Good day.
Obi: Mmmm…mmm…Master! Why?
Qui: You cannot speak to the Senator that way.
Obi: Why not? He's the same as the rest of us. Just because he's all high on himself doesn't mean he can't come down a notch. Or five. He's mean. I like you better.
Qui: I hope so.
Obi: You agree with me, right, Master? Politicians should be real and not speak to us like we are garbage, no matter what we smell like.
Qui: I certainly agree.
Obi: Then why didn't you let me keep talking?
Qui: Because I would like to continue to train you and had you kept running your mouth as you were, you would have been shipped off to Hoth.
Obi: Oh, damn.
Qui: Exactly. Come on, I will walk you home just in case any other authority figures are randomly wandering the halls of the Temple.
Obi: And they get on me for wandering. Sheesh!
Qui: Hurry now, before more appear.
Obi: I'm gonna get a long bath, Master and I'll smell better.
Qui: Wonderful.
Obi: And I will wash all my clothes and put on newer, clean ones.
Qui: Perfect.
Obi: Next time I stalk Senator Penelope, he'll never smell me coming.
Qui: Um…
Obi: Master?
Qui: Oh, never mind. It's not worth the effort or oxygen to continue this conversation.
Obi: Race you home, Master?
Qui: You run, I'll walk.
Obi: Nah, I'll walk with you.
Qui: Very well. Thank you, Padawan.
Obi: You're welcome, Master. Will you really hug me when I smell better?
Qui: We will round that corner when we get to it.
Obi: But there are no corners back to our apartment. Just a straight line. We live just at the end of this hallway, Master. Remember?
Qui: We certainly do, Padawan. We certainly do.
END