Written: July 23, 2005 (11:32 pm)
Note: Takes place between OoTP and the beginning of HBP. Minor spoilers for the two books.
TIME LOST
"Tonks," he whispered urgently. The air around them changed from the heavy, musky feeling of settled dust to the chilly cold of an early autumn morning. Once again, Remus gently shook the arm of the young woman.
"Tonks," he persisted, attempting to gain some sort of movement from her but none came.
He attempted to hug her but her body seemed to resist any forward movement he made. Shifting his body weight to accomodate the uncomfortable position, he sighed at the sight of her closed eyes and turned his back the other way.
With regret, he wanted her to be awake whenever he was around but that was wishful thinking. Any chance to be with him, to be near him, the young witch took, but on Remus's side the situation was not so clear.
Last night they had gotten into another row and in comparison to other arguments that they've had, this was one of the worst. She had gotten wind of his new assignment from someone else and somehow, was deeply offended upon the discovery that Remus had neglected to tell her where he would be going or what he would be doing.
Trying to console both of them was when Tonks had made her mistake. Knowing that the future would be more perilous than the past couple of years, she had carelessly made the suggestion that they should break it off altogether. Unfortunately, heated arguments often have the tendency to come to brash conclusions.
Remus agreed that it would be better to break off their engagement.
He had gone to retire at his usual time and took the couch instead of the bed. As he pretended to sleep he watched her take her coffee in that violet bathrobe and sit with her head bowed down at the kitchen table. How many times had he stayed at her place now, preferring her home to his. His, a place that exposed all too well the consequences of what he was. Later in the night, as he pushed open the door to the bedroom, a soft sigh of relief escaped his lips when he saw that his spot beside her still remained.
Too old, too young, too saddened, too hopeful, too worried, too poor, too much in love. Those last few words he would willing give up on for her sake. Remus convinced himself that he had already lost too many loved ones, and the thought of finding another human who could possibly love him in return conjured up feelings of uncertainty and determination.
Tonks was determined not to give up on him, many times she surprised her colleagues with her colourful personality and the ability to use Reparo just as many times as Mad-Eye Moody made a comment about "elementary wand safety."
Too much in love.
"I'm sorry I can't give you children," he whispered into her ear at long last. "It's not that you wouldn't be a good mother, it's that I don't want them to turn out like me." A sinking sensation at the bottom of his gut told him that it was not just hunger that he suffered from today.
At those words, Remus planted a kiss on her collarbone before he got up from the bed, replaced the sheets around her, and made to exit the room. Hesitating in front of the door, he returned to her sleeping form.
"Tonks." One more time, he'd try to wake her. Just one more time.