Disclaimer: I don't own them…
Author's note: This is a Shaina fic… For those of you who don't know, Shaina is an Amazon that's desperately in love with Seiya but only admits it to him towards the end of the episodes… She's a really cool character, and this is just a little dark fic into her mind…
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Ever Enough
By Lilas
I loved you… and I still do. Is that not enough? Is that ever enough? Why must you always turn me away? Do you even know the real me? Do you even know the me deep within? Do you even realize how much I need you? Can you even begin to comprehend what you mean to me? Do you not realize how much we all need you; especially me…
You're so strong… So dependable… My only wish is to be able to hold in my arms forever until I die. But I know that isn't so. You're always too busy saving the world from the machos who want to conquer it for themselves and destroy us all in the process.
I wonder if you know that to me, even though you've killed thousands, you are nothing more than a shining star… A star so bright up in the sky that will never burn out, no matter how many years pass by. Did you know that? Did you know that's what I see when I look in your eyes? Probably not… Ironically, I wear a mask in my heart even though nothing about me shows that.
People say we're close now… That the years have brought us together and that the grudges we held have vanished with the time, but I know that isn't true. I know you still don't trust me, but something in you stops you from ever showing that. I can take it if you show me what you truly feel towards me… I can take it.
But then again, that doesn't mean my heart will be able to… I guess it's better you don't. Remember when I stalked you? I know I said one thing or another to hide it, but I did. Whenever I could, I would follow you and make sure you were all right. And if I couldn't go, whoever was close to you at that moment that I knew, I'd ask them.
When think I back about it now, I find all this very funny… although my brain is the only part of my body that finds it so. My soul finds it a torture and my heart a torment to be far from you… To have this hole in our developing friendship… if it can even be called that. Last time I checked in the dictionary, friendship went two ways and ours, from what I can see, only goes from me to you… Or does it?
I don't know. I'm so confused. Whenever I try to get to you, you push me away, either that or you're busy fighting or training. I know this might sound selfish of me, but what about me?! Don't I deserve a bit of your time? If only a second of it… Why can't I get a hello from you, like everyone else? Why do I get a nod instead of hearing your beautiful voice? Why?
Is it because of all the things I've done to you? Is it because of all the trouble I've cause you in the past? If so, then please, I'm on my knees begging your forgiveness… I'm kissing the floor beneath your feet just to hear you speak to me, talk to me, engage me in a conversation…
A conversation… How long has it been? I can't even recall a conversation we had. You're always running, or I was always running and we never had time. Fighting, war and lives were in our way and we never had time… I hate the word time, did you know that? No, probably not. I bet there are a lot of things you don't know about me. I think you can guess my favorite animal, but that's easy. Everyone knows it, but that's beside the point.
I used to think that I could change to please you, and I did… I changed so much that when I looked at the mirror I didn't even recognize myself. Neither did my friends… Nothing I ever did mattered to you. And when I went back to the way I used to be and you still hadn't noticed me, then I cried. I cried so much I thought my eyes would fall off their socket, and when you saw me, you never said anything… So I stopped crying, because I realized that nothing I could do would make you notice me.
So now I ask you, after all these years the question that's been on my mind ever since I've known you. Why? Why don't you care? Why don't you pretend to see me so I can sleep at night? Why don't you fool my heart into leaving me alone? Why don't you look my way once in your lifetime and see me for how I am and who I am instead of how you think I am. Why can't you pretend that we're still friends?
Is that selfish of me? Asking you to lie to me so I can rest? Asking you to deny what's been lingering in the air so I can look at you? I don't even know what selfish is anymore. I'm confused inside that I have no idea what to make of my days. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking through a dream and that when I wake up I'll see your smiling face looking at me. It's all I can do not to go crazy and even that is driving me insane!
Why can't you just lie to me and get it over with? Why can't you just say it in front of my face and let my heart take the full blow? Do anything but what you're making me go through from the unknowing and the incertitude… Say anything that will get me out of the hole I've dug up for myself… Anything to cut me from the rope I've started to hang myself on. Please…
Then again, why would you? I've tried everything to get you to notice me… I've tried all I could think of for you to look at me and talk to me, and I still wonder, day after day, night after night if I will ever be enough for you.