Disclaimer: I don't own it, but you probably know that.
Author's Note: I watched the repeat of 'Crush' today, and the graveyard scene inspired me to write this. I know a lot of people have done these, but I just thought I'd put forward my opinion of what's going on in their heads. I know using the words from 'Time after time' for titles is a bit clichéd now, (everyone seems to be doing it) but I just thought it fitted the mood.
Chapter 1: If You Fall (Whitney).
I knew it was coming, I was prepared; or at least I thought I was. They say people 'die suddenly' if they're hit by a car, or fall out of a window, or get shot. What I realise now; that I didn't before, is that no matter how much warning you have, death is always sudden.
I was under the impression that if I just held onto him, I could stop it. He was dying, I knew that, but he was my Dad and, if I'm really honest, I never believed he would die. When I explained to Clark why I didn't visit the hospital, I lied, I wasn't trying to preserve a memory, I was grasping the one thing I had that stopped it being real, denial.
I'm glad it's raining, 'cause I don't feel this is real yet. I can still pretend my face is wet because of the raindrops. I can still pretend he's at home, 'he's not dead, he's just sleeping', I never understood how comforting those words are when you have to cope with this loss, this hole, this gaping abyss inside. Lana tries to comfort me, she tells me she knows how it feels, but, no offence to Lana, she doesn't.
She was only four, when both her parents died; she's spent longer without them than with them. Of the time she spent with them, she can probably remember a few snatched memories mingled with images forged from stories Nell told her. I have real memories, real loss. But, that's not true, she's the one with the real loss, and she never got memories of her parents. She mourns the missed opportunities; I mourn the man.
My Dad, he was good, honest, kind, and ambitious. Not for himself, he was content with his life, but for me. He saw I wanted more and encouraged me in my dreams, I'm eternally grateful to Lex for allowing my Dad to see me play with The Sharks, possibly my proudest moment. All I can think now though is how bittersweet it was, he saw me play, but only because it was the only way he ever would. I've had to be strong for people for a long time, I've supported Lana for years, then my Mom, but recently I've had Lana supporting me. I've made her stronger than ever before, so strong she no longer needs me.
The tables have turned; I need Lana. But, I know she doesn't want me. Chloe would be amazed by the insight of a jock, but despite her opinion, I'm not stupid. I've known for a while Lana wanted Clark, but she has to make the move herself, I'm not a Roman general, I won't be falling on my sword. I realised long ago I would lose to Kent; I'm prepared. I just need to keep her for a little while longer, just until I can wake up and make it through the day alone. All I need is a bit more time.
I've started to see the parallels between life and love. The doctor has declared Lana and I terminal, we're living on borrowed time. But, if I can just hold onto her until I've started to cope, I'll let her go. I know they say 'if you love someone, let them go', but Lana wouldn't, not until she knew I was all right. In any other situation I'd put on a brave face, but I can't I have to be selfish, just for a little longer, because right now I'm falling and I don't know how to stop.