Author's Note 1: Hey everyone! It's the master writer and favored author. The engine of ingenuity. The stalwart champion himself. Your boy, Panzerraptor. I just want to say to a few of my readers thank you for sticking with me through the first Dante fic and my oneshot collection. And for those who are done with my OC's adventure, so be it. Anyway, this story has nothing to do with that series and will mainly focus around Ichigo and his dilemma with the opposite gender. However, there will be an underlying crisis, so you can be sure that this story will be full of surprises as time goes on.

I've been wanting to do a story like this ever since "Ballads of a Strawberry" and with the many reviews and acclaim, I think I'm ready and so are my fans. This will be my first harem story so fingers crossed. Also, because the plot revolves around a harem, there are many possible pairings that Ichigo can end up in. Though it is possible that the end result might feature Ichigo with more than one of the women in the story. Gives you something to look forward to, doesn't it?

Author's Note 2: Italicized font is thought. Parenthesis is used for added detail.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its related material. That honor goes to its creator, Kubo Tite.

Ch. 1: Pineapple Express

It was just another day at Urahara's Shoten for Renji as he drank a cup of tea at the table. Many would say that he was still mooching off the owner and his resources. However, the red-haired lieutenant disagreed upon such a view. For him, the shop was the only option of residence he had. Besides, he worked hard to keep his residency. Between helping Tessai with cleaning, managing the merchandise with Ururu and Ginta, and honing his skills in Kisuke's underground training basement below the store, he barely had any time to himself.

Even with all the work, Renji still saw it as something of a vacation from being at the 5th Division. Especially when he was under the seemingly all-knowing eye of Byakuya Kuchiki. Though he had the utmost respect for his captain, he couldn't help but think that the noble had a stick up his ass most of the time. Besides, he was given more opportunity to explore the Living World and spend time with his friends.

After he finished drinking his tea, the red-haired lieutenant stretched his back. "Ah, just what I needed," he said to himself in content. As he got up from the table with his empty cup in hand, he heard Kisuke call out to him. "Hey, Renji! Do you have a second?" he asked from a nearby room.

Renji sighed in response. He had already finished his chores for the day, and Chad, whose training he was helping with, was still at school. To him, there shouldn't be anymore work to be done. Then again, whenever there wasn't anything else to do, Tessai or Kisuke would always make more. "So much for a longer break," he mentally droned. "Guess he wants me to stack the inventory from largest to smallest now." Deciding not to keep the shop owner waiting, Renji placed the cup back on the table and made his way to the lab.

Renji slid the door to the side and entered Kisuke's lab. It was a descent-sized room with many books either resting on shelves or stacked against the wall. There were a few boxes scattered about with "Old Project" or "Past Experiment" written on them and couple of liquid filled tubes in the back. Having been his first time in the lab, Renji couldn't help but think it resembled one of Squad 12's Research & Development labs (albeit smaller than the real deal. Of course, what would you expect from the previous captain of said division?).

"Ah, Renji. Just the man I wanted to see," Kisuke said with a smile as he appeared from the other side of a shelf.

"So what is it now, Urahara?" Renji asked. "I've already done everything that you guys wanted. Hell, Tessai grabbed me out of bed just to help him fix the damn plumbing. Not the way I want to start my morning."

"Okay, settle down," the ex-captain said as he waved his hand. "I promise this won't be any hassle. In fact, because I'm such a nice person, I'll give you the rest of the day off if you do me this favor."

Renji raised a brow after hearing Kisuke's proposal. "Oh yeah? What is it you want me to do?"

"It's a little experiment I'm working on…"

"Oh no!" Renji interjected. "I might be trying to earn my keep, but I cross the line when it comes to letting you play doctor with my body!"

"Man, aren't you riled up today," Kisuke replied. "Who do you think I am? Mayuri?" Renji scowled at the hat wearing shopkeeper. Between their crazy contraptions and freaky eccentricity, it was hard for him to actually tell the difference at times. Seeing his expression, the blonde-haired man sighed. "Look, it's not you I'm doing this little experiment on. Besides, it wouldn't work anyway."

"So if it isn't me, then who did you have in mind?"

A smirk grew on Kisuke's face as he heard the pineapple-headed lieutenant's question. "This little test of mine involves Ichigo, of course. And that, my dear Renji, is where you come in."

"Right…" Renji responded as he gave a questioning glance at Kisuke. Though both he and the substitute were good friends and he respected Kisuke a great deal, there was no way Ichigo was going to willingly volunteer as a guinea pig for the shopkeeper. "And how am I supposed to do that?"

"It's pretty simple." Sliding his left hand inside his right sleeve, Kisuke pulled out a small vial filled with light red liquid. "Here!" called the shopkeeper as he tossed the item at the tattooed shinigami.

"Whoa!" Quickly, Renji managed to catch the small container. It juggled between his fingers, but he managed to get a firm grasp of the object. He eyed the slender glass item and its contents carefully. It's black top had a small hole on it. "What is this?" Renji asked as he held the vial up between his thumb and index finger.

"Exactly what it looks like," Kisuke said nonchalantly. "It's my All-New Super Special Ultimate Pheromone Enhancer."

"You're kidding, right? It looks like some cheap bottle of cologne," Renji said in an unimpressed tone. "Why would you be making this stuff?"

"What? An inventor can't dabble in different types of projects every now and then?" Renji gave him a blank stare. "Alright, alright. The idea came to me when I was reading the newspaper a couple weeks back about some cologne. I forgot the name, but I know it had two names that started with C. Anyway, I figured 'why don't I start making something like that?' You know, for kicks."

"Okay…" an unsure Renji replied. "So you pretty much want me to spray this stuff on Strawberry Head? Why can't I dab a little on myself?"

"That cologne you're holding is specially made to react with Ichigo's reiatsu only," Kisuke said. "If you put that stuff on you, the effects will either be cancelled out or cause you to itch all over."

Hearing this, Renji turned the nozzle away from his face and held the vial by the sides. Last thing the redhead wanted was a never-ending scratching session. "If it's such super special cologne, what's it supposed to do?"

"The truth is… I don't really know," Kisuke answered as he scratched the back of head, chuckling sheepishly in the process.

"What!" Renji fell to the floor as he heard the scientist's response. "You mean to tell me you made this stuff and gave it a friggin' long and crazy name, but you have no clue on what it does?"

"Like I said, it just came up. Besides, isn't that the point of a testing phase? At the very least, either his skin will turn blue or nothing at all."

"Ugh…" Renji wondered whether or not he should help in Kisuke's strange scheme. The last thing he wanted was for anything terrible to happen to his good friend. Though wanting to see the strawberry-haired teen turn into a walking blueberry would be a hilarious sight. That, and he did owe Ichigo for turning his hair pink in his sleep a week earlier.

As Renji thought over the situation, Tessai appeared at the doorway. "Hey, Renji," the burly man called. A slight shiver crawled down the lieutenant's spine. "I need some more help with the pipes in the bathroom. There are a few minor clogs here and there."

"Holy…!" At that moment, Renji quickly made up his mind. "Alright, Kisuke! You got yourself a deal!" With that said, Renji quickly bolted out of the lab and ran down the hall to fulfill his mission.

A confused Tessai only watched as his assistant left his sight. He then turned to Kisuke, who had a smile on his face. "What's going on, Kisuke?" the assistant shopkeeper asked.

"Oh it's nothing," the inventor said as he waved a hand. "Renji's just helping me with a little favor in exchange for a day off. I hope you don't mind, Tessai." Tessai let out a curt grunt as he gave a nod. Deciding there was no reason in staying, the ex-Kido Corp. captain took his leave to return to the bathroom. Kisuke let out a short chuckle as he thought, "Things are going to get pretty exciting."

Once Renji left the shop, he headed straight for Ichigo's home. He trekked for four blocks, hoping Ichigo would still be at his house. By the time he arrived, the red-haired lieutenant grabbed a nearby ladder to climb up the side of the home and peek through the teen's doorway. However, there were no sign of him or Rukia inside. "That's strange…" he said mindfully. "Wonder where he is?" He then remembered that today was Thursday, meaning he was at the high school at this time. "Oh yeah, I nearly forgot," he said as he palmed his forehead.

Just then, Renji felt the presence of someone else nearby. It wasn't Ichigo, nor was it Rukia. He snapped around, hoping to see the identity of the unexpected guest (aside from himself). However, his twisting body caused the ladder he was on to start falling backwards. Noticing this, the lieutenant started pushing his weight against the contraption in a desperate attempt to keep from falling. True, he was in a gigai and a fall from two stories wouldn't cause any immediate harm. However, that didn't mean he wanted to walk around with a broken back, or worse, and explain to Kisuke's why his product was destroyed.

In a few moments, Renji won the war against gravity to keep from colliding to the ground. "Whoa… too close…" he thought as he blew a sigh of relief. Thinking the mystery person was still behind him, Renji carefully cocked his head. However, the intruder was gone. "I know someone was there…" he thought to himself. "Wonder what that guy wanted?" Deciding there was no use staying around, Renji casually climbed down the appliance before leaving the scene.

An hour passed and Renji was still trying to find his friend. School had just been dismissed so it was possible that he was heading home. Though when he asked Chad where he was, the large male told him that Ichigo left in the direction of the park to fight some hollows. Once he arrived at the given location, the sounds of demon screams and battle yells echoed from nearby. "Guess I made it in time," Renji said to himself before running toward the battlefield beyond a wall of trees.

In a nearby small field, Ichigo Kurosaki was fighting against a group of medium-sized hollows. With Zangetsu in hand, the substitute shinigami combated against his skull-faced foes with relative ease. As the beasts came forward, evil-intent in mind, Ichigo met them head on and slashed with relentless strokes. "Is it just me, or are you Hollows only getting weaker every time you come here?" he called before striking down another of his enemies.

Seeing how they were at a severe disadvantage, the remaining four hollows decided to regroup. The corrupt souls turned the opposite direction and began to leave the area. However, Ichigo had other plans in mind. "Not so fast!" he said before he shunpoed to the air. With Zangetsu charged with spiritual energy, the substitute took aim at his opponents. "Getsuga Tensho!" He swung his giant cleaver forward, creating a crescent-shaped wave of energy that crashed to the ground, purifying the last of his opponents.

Once he landed on the ground, Ichigo rested his sword on his shoulder. "Guess that takes care of them," he thought.

Ichigo was ready to take his leave, wanting to catch up on some homework and television. However, he was stopped as he heard a familiar voice call him. "Hey, Ichigo!" the orange-haired teen heard. He turned around to a nearby bush and saw Renji arrive on the scene. His clothes were covered in broken twigs and leaves.

"Renji? What are you doing here?" Ichigo asked.

"I was looking for you. Chad said I might find you here."

"I see. So what is it? Something important?"

"You can say that." Renji dug into his pant pocket and pulled out the cologne. "I need you to try this stuff on," the pineapple-haired death god said bluntly.

"What? You came all the way here just so I can try some stupid cologne?" Ichigo replied.

"What's wrong with that? You're saying you're too good for cologne?"

"I'm saying I don't want any damn cologne! Why are you even carrying that stuff around in the first place."

"Um… Well you see…" Renji shifted through his thoughts as he tried thinking of a reason. It wasn't like he could tell Ichigo that it was another "brilliant" Urahara product. There would be no way the substitute would go for that. Suddenly, an idea popped into his head. "I was just hired at the mall for one of those big stores."

"You mean a department store?" Ichigo clarified.

"That's right! I managed to get an opening as one of those people who work with all the colognes and perfumes. They say that in order for me to get the job, I need to advertise a product. Now do you get it?" A smile appeared on Renji's face as he mentally patted himself on the back for such a clever story. To him, he felt that there was no way Ichigo would think it was odd.

However, the strawberry-haired shinigami had more than just doubts about his story. After hearing his explanation, a sweatdrop formed on the back of his head. "You've got to be kidding me," he thought. "Two things," he began. "Isn't that job usually given to women?"

"Uh… Well, you'd think that," Renji quickly responded. "But apparently, that store also had openings for men. And I just happened to be the guy cut out for the job."

A confused glance appeared on Ichigo's face. Before he could object, the deputy faced the lieutenant and scanned his clothing. Between the baggy jeans, the yellow Chappy the Bunny shirt, and the purple bandanna, he looked like someone who was still in the late 70's. A sigh could only escape Ichigo's lips as he shook his head and said, "I can only imagine why. Anyway, if you're working at one of the stores, then how come you're miles away here at the community park?"

"Well come on. It wasn't like they said I had to give samples only at the store."

Ichigo thought over the statement. It was true that the person behind the samples aren't always stationed in one place. There were a few who would spray customers within or outside the mall. "You got a point," the strawberry-haired teen mused.

"Anyway, come on! Help me out here!" Renji pleaded. "Either I do this, or I'm forced to clean the restroom! And trust me, you do not want to know what that's like!"

"What the-!" Ichigo cringed at the abrupt statement. He didn't know what to make of Renji's job. Whether or not it was the truth, the point was that the redhead was dead-set on spraying him with that stuff. Usually, Ichigo wouldn't worry himself over such cheap items like that, but he was starting to feel sorry for his friend. "Well, no one should be scrubbing toilets," he thought. "Alright, alright. I'll do it," the orange-haired shinigami said. "Give me that bottle." Snatching the vial from Renji, Ichigo sprayed some of the liquid on the side of his neck and some under his armpit. He tried to take a whiff, but found there wasn't any scent. "At least there's no terrible stench."

"Thanks, Ichigo!" Renji praised. "I owe you for this!" Deciding his job was done, the red-haired lieutenant started to leave the scene.

"Hey, hold on! Don't you need this back?" Ichigo asked.

"Keep it. I, uh… got plenty more samples where those came from. Think of it as a little present."

"Gee, thanks," Ichigo muttered sarcastically as his fellow shinigami continued to leave. He then glanced at the vial again. "Talk about cheap. It doesn't even have a smell." Shrugging his shoulders, Ichigo leaped into the air and started making his way back home, unaware of the craziness that will follow.