Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
A/N: Can you discover the hidden metaphor within this crack-infested little ficlet? I sure can't...
Can you believe it took me a whole day to come up with this shit? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...my god, I suck...
I wanted to write a Hinamori X Matsumoto fic, but that pairing is surprisingly difficult to come up with ideas for...or maybe it's just me...
Hitsugaya was simply walking down the hall, minding his own business, when he suddenly overheard two very familiar voices from behind the door to his left.
"...C'mon, just squeeze the head until the eyeballs pop out, goddammit! It's not that hard!!"
"I...I can't!! It's so gross...!!!"
Hitsugaya raised a pencil-thin eyebrow in confusion. 'Is that...is that Momo and Captain Zaraki? What in the blazes are those two doing together?'
"Gah! You're so useless! Here! Give it to me! I'll pop the frickin' eyeballs out!!"
"Okay, okay! I'm sorry, okay?! I'm...I'm new at this! I've never really cooked something like this before!!"
Hitsugaya gently pressed his ear up against the door. 'They're...cooking something?'
"Okay! See the eyeballs?! See them?! Do you see them?!"
"Yes! I see them! Get them away from me!! They're disgusting...!"
"Feh! You're a wimp! Now...you gotta chop off the head and suck out the brains with your mouth..."
"SAY WHAT NOW?!!"
"You heard what I said! Now do it! I'll snap off the tail, while you suck out the brains! C'mon! It's the only way to cook this thing correctly!"
"I...I can't! I'll throw up! I just know I will!"
"...You would never make it in the 11th Division, little girl..."
Hitsugaya could no longer stand by. With a powerful kick, he blasted the door apart, and barrel-rolled inside. What he found both surprised and disturbed him. Kenpachi Zaraki was wearing a hairnet (his pointy hair still pierced through it) on his head and a frilly pink apron over his burly body as he stood over a large pot of boiling water. Hinamori was in a similar style of dress, and she was clutching a bright-red lobster in her tiny hands. Hitsugaya was speechless.
"...I'm teachin' her how to boil lobster," Kenpachi grunted.
"For a ruffian...he's quite a talented cook!!" Hinamori cheerfully remarked.
Kenpachi tossed her a deadly glare, but he didn't say anything.
'I don't think you're supposed to chop off the head and suck out the brains...' Hitsugaya thought, fighting back the overwhelming urge to be the straight man in this fic.
In the end, all three of them had to get proper cooking lessons from Hisagi, although Hitsugaya wasn't exactly sure why he was included with the two lobster-tormentors...