Terrible Things – a Quill fanfiction
Summary: Quinn comes back from her time in the hospital after giving birth to Beth, and honestly she's never felt so alone in her life. She feels hollow, and does the only thing she can about it: she sings. And apparently someone is there to listen.
Quinn stood alone on the stage of her old high school, eyes closed as she breathed in the coppery scent of the auditorium. It had been so long. She had never gone more than a week without coming up here. She missed the feeling of having all eyes on her. Yet now that she stood there she realized that no one would want to look at her ever again.
She was the girl who had gotten knocked up while drunk on wine coolers. She was the girl who had kept her baby only to give it up for adoption anyway. She was the girl who used to be the head cheerleader and the most popular girl in school. Boys loved her, girls envied her. She was a straight A student. She had a future set up right in front of her. She only had to reach out and take it. It was really the easiest thing in the world. But then the baby came, and then it was all over.
That same pang of hurt spread across her chest, and she knew that she wasn't strong enough to keep it in anymore. If ever she did, there would be an endless supply of pain, and she couldn't have that. All she wanted was to feel numb. She didn't want the feelings anymore; she didn't want the memories that would flood her head every single time she breathed in.
Finn's with Rachel now. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, because she knew, as much as she hated to admit it, but she knew that Rachel was better. She was better for him than Quinn ever was going to be. Rachel was that girl, who her boyfriend could walk up to any time, and Quinn was just that girl who would watch with cold eyes as her boyfriend bawled his eyes out.
Now it was her turn to cry. And no one would be there to comfort her, then, because she was never there to comfort anyone.
She started when there was a light shuffling noise to her right, and was even more surprised when she saw that it was Brad, their pianist, sitting on the stool, his hands already on the piano keys. Quinn opened her mouth to speak but was stopped short when he smiled at her. He said, "I know what you need." He started playing, and she couldn't help but smile to herself as well, because she immediately knew the song. The lyrics had never left her head ever since the day she learned to play it on the piano, and though she could have played it herself she appreciated the company.
The first few strains of the song rang in her head, and then she started singing.
"By the time I was your age, I'd give anything.
To fall in love truly was all I could think."
Images of her baby daughter, Beth, sprang to her mind. She could have been watching her mother sing right now if it weren't for the fact that she was now a few hundred miles away. Sadness crept into her heart at that, and it was enough. She imagined Beth sitting on one of the chairs up front, all grown up and ready to fall in love as well; mature enough to hear what Quinn had to say.
"That's when I met your father, the man of my dreams,
The gentlest of hearts behind all that sunscreen."
It wasn't Puck. Puck never was the father. And as much as he wanted to be, he would never have been good enough. Beth would have needed more than just a shoulder to cry on. She would have needed someone to talk to, someone who knew better than her. Puck would never be that to her.
No, Finn was the real father, and Quinn knew that this was the truth at heart.
"He said, Girl, can I tell you a wonderful thing?
I can't help but notice, you're staring at me.
I know I shouldn't say this, but I really believe,
I can tell by your eyes that you're in love with me."
She really was in love, at first. She fell in love with the way his mouth quirked upwards whenever she made a corny joke about one of the teachers, with his voice, with the feel of his arm around her waist, with the fact that he never wanted to take off his letterman jacket and the fact that she never made him.
All that was before the anxiety kicked in. She started to become manipulative, controlling because other girls had their eyes on her man and she couldn't have that. She became jealous.
Their relationship was ruined because of that.
Their relationship was ruined because of her.
"Most of the time we'd have too much to drink,
And we'd laugh at the stars and we'd share everything."
The memories came flooding back. She heard her voice waver because of the onslaught of mixed feelings, but she kept singing. It could have been the hardest thing in the world to do, but it wasn't.
The hardest thing was trying to get them to go away.
"Too young to notice and too dumb to care,"
She couldn't.
It was impossible. So she let it overwhelm her, held her breath and just let herself drown.
"Love was a story that couldn't compare."
When Quinn opened her eyes, Beth was still there. She was smiling, completely ecstatic that her mother was singing to her, telling her of everything that happened between her and her father. She had yet to find out about the sadder details.
"Now I am only telling you this
Because life can do terrible things."
Quinn imagined her daughter's eyebrows furrowing together, and a sad smile that never reached her eyes overshadowed her face.
"You'll learn, one day, I'll hope and I'll pray,
That God shows you differently."
It was the only thing she wanted in the world at that moment, for her daughter to be happy. She wanted her to have a mother and father who loved her more than anything else, who would be there for her every time she needed someone. Quinn wanted her to have a perfect life, just like the life she herself had. She never wanted that innocent little girl to ever experience being heartbroken, or to be alone, ever.
The moment came when she couldn't help but feel selfish. She felt selfish, and angry, and hurt, and sad, and alone, and above everything else she wanted to stop seeing the face of her daughter. She wanted her face gone. She wanted to just crumple into a heap of nothingness and just be nothing.
Quinn knew at that moment, then, that Beth didn't deserve her. Beth deserved to be happy. Quinn deserved to be gone.
"Slow! So slow!"
Tears started spilling down her cheeks as Beth slowly started disappearing. Quinn didn't want her to go. She missed her face, how she resembled her so much, but it was for the best. She hated that. She hated that everything bad that happened to her would be for the best.
"I fell to the ground, on my knees!"
Beth was gone now. Only empty chairs stood before her. Her voice rang out as she hit the high notes, echoing all around the huge, square room. No one could hear her though. No one but herself and the people she was imagining were there.
"So don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose.
If given the choice, I'm begging you, choose
To walk away!"
Quinn continued singing, pretending that her baby daughter was in the room, held by her stepmother, pretending that she could understand every single word she was saying and that she understood, pretending that she wouldn't be mad by the fact that her mother had left her, pretending that she still cared about whatever her mother had to say about her future.
"Walk away. Don't let him get you.
I can't bear to see the same happen to you."
She looked to the stage lights that were pointing at her. It burned her eyes, but she welcomed the feeling as she sang the final strains of the song. And those final strains contained everything she had to go through.
"Now I am only telling you this
Because life can do terrible things..."
It was his free period, and Will had been watching her the entire time. Her voice truly was beautiful, and he blamed himself, then, for not giving her more solos, because listening to her hit high note after high note… well, let's just say that it would have infuriated Rachel to endless bounds.
But even he had to admit that she expressed her feelings better than their star singer. Anyone could see the pain clear in her eyes as she stared forward even though no one was there.
Now I am only telling you this
Because life can do terrible things.
Those final lyrics were what broke his heart the most, because he was a teacher, and teachers couldn't help but feel some kind of responsibility over their students. This girl had made all the wrong mistakes, and though he didn't know every single one of them, he knew life was harder for her compared to other people.
When the song ended, he let himself look at her for a long time. And not just look at her, but he tried to get a read on her. He had never really been very close to one popular Quinn Fabray, but he had heard enough stories about her to know where she came from. But now, looking at the faraway look on her face and the unshed tears in her eyes, he didn't understand. He knew nothing about her, and yet he knew everything. He was a teacher. It was his job. But rumours were just rumours. They weren't facts. He knew it, and she knew it.
He decided to show himself, then, because it looked like she was about to break down in tears, and he couldn't have that.
"Quinn?"
Her eyes were closed, but Will saw that she knew it was him by the way her body went rigid. She immediately started rubbing her eyes with her sleeve. "Go away, Mr. Schue." Silence engulfed the room, and still he did not leave. Instead, he started walking towards her, going down the steps slowly, casually. He didn't want this girl to run away. "Please, Mr. Schue, I just need some time alone right now."
The teacher had his hands in his pockets when he finally reached her. And though it had been a long while before he could come up the steps, for the auditorium was quite big, it was worth it. They were now face to face. "I heard you singing," he said slowly, keeping his eyes trained on her even though she refused to look up at him.
"And?" Her voice broke even though it was just one word she had to go through. A sharp pain descended upon his chest that just wouldn't go away. She continued, "You've heard me sing lots of times. It's not supposed to be a surprise for you anymore when you see me singing up here." Will eyed her closely, and was surprised when she laughed. "It's my free period, Mr. Schue. Relax." He never really was wondering about that, but he appreciated the honesty. He smiled, but she had already brushed past him to sit on the edge of the stage. With her feet dangling over the edge, she said nothing more.
"I never thought that you were skipping classes, Quinn," he pointed out gently, coming to sit beside her. "It's just that I couldn't help but notice the lyrics of that song… It's so sad."
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, my life's been pretty sad lately." He knew about the basics.
"Quinn Fabray is pregnant." That statement had been roaming the halls for as long as he could remember. And rumour spread quickly in McKinley High. He could imagine what this girl felt when she found out that everyone knew.
"You know, Quinn, we'll always be here for you if you need some—"
"I just need to be alone right now, Mr. Schue. I don't need a lecture." It didn't surprise him that she had cut him off. She was angry, and hurt, and everything that could have possibly been squeezed in-between. He knew what that felt like, and he understood.
But he did not leave.
He kept quiet, but he didn't leave. As much as she didn't want to admit, Quinn Fabray needed someone right now. He could hear her sniffling beside him but didn't dare turn his head to look, afraid that she would make him go away. Honestly, he didn't want to leave. He didn't want to leave this girl to be alone because she had the choice to be happy and to be able to talk to someone. She could talk to him. He wanted to tell her that, but just wasn't quite there yet.
"Mr. Schuester, please." She was pleading with him now. He didn't feel bad about staying, though. "Mr. Schue, if you don't go away, I swear to God, I'll—"
"Why are you doing this?" He didn't mean to cut her off, but it just kind of happened. Because so many thoughts were flooding into his head and he had to voice out one. Just one.
Quinn stared at him for a long time. She wasn't confused, though. She was smart enough to know what he meant. She wasn't going to ask what he meant, and he seemed to already know that. He looked away from her green eyes and turned his gaze to the rows of seats in front of them, imagining the people sitting there and watching them, that this was a play and they were just characters, that their stories weren't very much real. Of course, it was all real. The memories in their heads and the feelings in their chests were all real.
So he asked again, met her gaze, once again. "Why are you doing this?"
It was her turn to look away now. She stared at a spot on the floor. It was by no means special, but she didn't want to look at him. Not then. "Why do you think?" Her voice came out as a croak, so she cleared her throat before continuing. "My life used to be perfect, you know. I dated the quarterback, was president of the Celibacy Club, used to be head cheerleader." A smile crept up her lips as she remembered everything. "I was the most popular girl in school, before…" Will listened on as a sadder tone took over her voice, overshadowing the usual bubbly quality of it. "Before the baby came," she whispered, still staring at that spot on the floor that was just as invisible as she. The smile was gone, now. "That was when my life became hell. And you already know what happened next."
She finally turned her head to look at him. He wasn't quite prepared for the full impact of the blow, if there was even a blow at all, but it was there when her eyes met his. It left him breathless.
He racked his brain for something to say, anything to say, just to keep her from crying again. Will stilled when she let out an unfeeling laugh. "Don't worry. I'm not about to start crying again. I've had enough of that, actually." He stared at her, and she stared at the ground.
"You don't have to go through this alone, Quinn. You have a family."
"What family?" she laughed, throwing her head back. The most tragic of smiles was waiting for him. "My dad hates me, my sister's a hundred miles away though I doubt she even wants to talk to me again, and my mom is trying to help me put my life back together but how do you think that's working out?"
He looked at her and smiled, prompting as softly as he could, "You have us." Something flashed in her eyes, then. Hope? Happiness? Admiration? It was all too early for that, but it was a step forward. "I mean, the Glee Club's been there for you ever since day one. You just keep pushing them away."
"It's nothing personal," she muttered, issuing forth a small chuckle from Will. She didn't look up again, though, and he understood that their conversation was coming to an end.
"Quinn." She looked up when she heard the firmness in his voice, fearing that she had pushed it too far. She was wrong. All she saw in his eyes was the kindness that she had always used to see in her father's but now was gone because her father was gone. Her lip trembled as she fought to keep the tears back. But she had already remembered her father. It was too late, then. The tears spilled, and she sniffled as Will held her shoulders firmly, forcing her to keep his gaze. "Quinn," he repeated, and this time she actually wanted him to say her name. It felt like an anchor.
She had been drowning, and he was her anchor.
"Life can indeed do terrible things," he said, "but it's our job to either just give in or give up, or to keep fighting no matter how dark the future might seem." His eyes held the truth, and the truth was he really cared for this girl. He cared for all of his students, but this one needed him the most. His hands travelled from her shoulders upwards to below her ears, and he gave it a light shake affectionately. "You remember that, hm?"
Quinn nodded her head and held onto his words like it was her lifeline, and it probably was. She kept his gaze for a moment more before wrapping her hands around his torso and, pulling him close, hugged him. She felt him stiffen beneath her touch but didn't care. She needed this. And she knew that, whatever else Will Schuester was, he wasn't cold-hearted. He cared.
Will was well aware of the girl's head against his chest and her arms around him. He didn't return her affection too quickly. He was still a teacher, and she was still a student, but after a few more seconds of contemplation he allowed himself to give in. He wrapped his arms around her and placed his chin on top of her head. She shook in his arms as she released a long sigh, taking comfort in the fact that someone was still fine with holding her. No one else had hugged her for so long.
She closed her eyes as she listened to his heartbeat. "Do you know why I agreed for Terri to adopt the baby, Mr. Schue?"
"No, why?"
Her words were a whisper against his chest, just as loud as his heartbeat in her ears. "I agreed because I knew who the father was going to be."
That was when a tear slipped down his cheek and embedded itself in her tousled blonde hair. He gave her a light squeeze and closed his eyes, taking note that her hair smelled like jasmine leaves in the spring time.
Quinn was the first to pull away, and when she did there was that same glint in her eye as she stared up at him. She whispered, "You would have made a great dad, Mr. Schue."
He smiled and cupped her chin with his forefinger and thumb, bending down so that they were eye to eye. "And you would have made a great mom."