Mitchie,
You must know why I am writing you this letter. I just can't take it anymore. My life that is. I know that one day things might change, but that day is too far away. I thought you loved me, but I guess I was wrong. I mean you are my best friend. I guess I could've told you my feelings but I couldn't take rejection. Not after my mom. I guess I will take after her in a way. After I send you this letter I am going to find her stash. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about her. I was embarrassed. She decided that pills would be her escape after my father's death. She thought they wouldn't hurt me. But most of all, she thought that I would never go this far.
I'm sorry I never told you that I frequently thought about this. I didn't think you should have to worry about it. I thought you should be a carefree teenager. I'm sorry that I will never get to see your smile the day you turn 16. I know that's tomorrow and I'm sorry it has to be this way. I'm sure you will move on someday. For that I am happy. I want you to continue on with your life instead of dwelling on your life. I want you to meet new people and to help them from taking this path. I know you can do it.
Sometimes I wish you would pry more. I wish you could've seen this coming. I wish you would hold me like you used to. I wish you could love me like I did. I wish I didn't have to do this. But it's too late for me.
What I am trying to say, Mitch, is goodbye. I guess the light at the end of my tunnel didn't exist. I guess I could say you were the only thing that kept me going for this long. I guess I love you.
Sorry it had to end this way,
Shane
I sat and thought about when to do it. I knew my mother was home so I could try now. Tonight would be better. I fiddled with the end of the letter I was about to send to Mitchie. I didn't want to do this on her birthday but I knew I could go another day. My mom basically abandoned me when my father died. I guess she couldn't handle it any better that I had.
I set my alarm for 12:00 exactly. I decided I should get a little sleep and dream for the last time. I sighed and gently placed the note on my night stand and my head on my pillow. Within seconds I was in a deep slumber dreaming about the one thing that I have dreamt about for a little over a year, Mitchie. I smiled every time her name was brought up in a conversation and my stomach did flips whenever I saw her.
I heard some rustling in my room that caused me to stir awake. I knew it wasn't 12:00 yet so someone had to be in my room. Slightly scared, I turned over and tried to locate the source. I gasped in fright as I came face to face with Mitchie, my letter in her hand. When I finally got a good look at her, she had tears streaming down her face. It was then that I realized she read my letter.
"Shane, why?" Her voice trailed off as she sat on my bed. I was afraid to move. "Why would you think about something like that?" I shrugged not knowing whether to give her a straight answer or not.
"Mitchie, it has to be done." She stared at me in disbelief before speaking.
"Wrong, Shane. It doesn't have to be done. Your life is far too important to me. How could you think that if you died, I wouldn't think about you and how it was my fault? How could you think I wouldn't regret not telling you that I loved you too? How could you think that I wouldn't help you through this?" Tears came streaming down her face. It pained me to think that those tears were my doing. I had broken a girl that I had only seen cry once. The one thing that replayed in my head was 'how could you think I wouldn't regret not telling you that I loved you?'
"You love me?" I asked in disbelief. She nodded and I thought back to the letter. I thought that maybe she was making this up because I admitted I loved her in the letter. "Are you just saying that because I said that?" I decided it would be better to ask than finding out later. She shook her head, smiling lightly. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a simple piece of paper with the world 'I love you, Shane Grey' on it.
"Always have, always will." She said gently as she stroked my cheek. She leaned in and gave me a sweet kiss and with that kiss all my thoughts melted.
That was the day that Mitchie saved me. Even though we never talk about it, I always thank god. Without that day, I would have been in the ground. I guess Mitchie was the light at the end of my tunnel. I guess she was the only thing that saved me.
After that day, she came by my house to check on me. She never admitted that she was worried I might have those thoughts again. But who wouldn't, if their best friend almost did? Sometimes I thank her for being there and not letting me do that. Sometimes I am thankful that I thought about doing that. I think that if I didn't do that then Mitchie and I wouldn't be getting married tomorrow. Sometimes all it takes is a friend to help you get through life.