Fool Me Once
Rating: T
"I hate April Fool's Day," House groused to his best friend and PPTH oncologist, Dr. James Wilson.
"What's there to hate about April Fool's Day?" Wilson asked as they waited for the elevator to take them to their adjoining 4th floor offices.
"It's like amateur hour for all the people who wish they were smart enough to pull off brilliantly intricate practical jokes year round--like moi," House said with a proud smirk.
"You speak such fluent ass, House. How do you do it? Berlitz?" Wilson asked, matching House's smirk with one of his own. "Besides, what's wrong with people having a little innocent fun?"
The elevator dinged its arrival on the 4th floor and both men exited into the nearly empty hallway.
"A little innocent fun?!" House asked incredulously. "No such thing!"
"I thought playing slap and tickle with Carla up in Radiology was going to be a little innocent fun. I needed some tests, she needed to be laid, you know, a little quid pro quo. It was fun in the beginning. It's always fun in the beginning! But it soon turned into my very own PPTH soap opera!
House shuddered as he remembered the afternoons he spent hiding out in exam rooms and hanging out in Wilson's office to duck Carla, his newfound stalker. It was enough he had to duck Cuddy, but two women looking for him was just too much.
"And here all this time I thought you were finally starting to appreciate my biting wit and great company," Wilson said.
"Anyway," House continued, rolling his eyes at his delusional friend, "I suppose you mean innocent fun like the hilarious salt in the sugar bowl gag? Or my personal favorite, put the Whoopie Cushion in the poor unsuspecting cripple's chair? Or, maybe that other knee-slapper, 'let's unscrew all the cafeteria salt shakers?'"
"Have you ever had a perfectly innocent Reuben ruined because some April Fool loosened the top on the salt shaker and made you dump salt all over it?" House shook his head sadly as they entered his office. "Innocent fun my ass!"
A chuckle escaped Wilson's lips as he took a seat in front of House's desk and watched his grumpy friend fling his backpack on the desk while he carefully leaned his cane against the bookshelf.
Wilson thought about how every year for the last four years, he, Cuddy, Chase, Foreman and Cameron had successfully pulled off any number of April Fool's Day pranks on the brilliant Gregory House. Wilson still couldn't figure out how they managed to get away with it, but they did every time and the results were always hilarious. At least they were for them and any PPTH staff or clinic patients, who were fortunate enough to be standing within pranking distance. It was the one glorious day of the year that everyone got to see the cantankerous doctor get his comeuppance.
"Remember..." Wilson began to laugh, "...last year when Cuddy told you that you no longer had to do clinic duty...and you were so thrilled that you actually did a little dance and then kissed Foreman on the mouth in front of the nurses and everyone and began shouting 'free at last'... and after struggling to maintain her poker face, Cuddy burst out laughing with, "Gotcha, House! April Fool's! And everybody in the entire clinic fell out laughing?"
"Yeah, that was hilarious," House said in a clearly irritated voice. "Don't you have some bald kids to go cure?"
Wilson could barely hear House over his own laughter.
"And that time everyone in the whole hospital walked around with a five o'clock shadow and a cane? Even the nurses? And the kids up in Pediatrics? And the only item on the menu in the cafeteria was a Reuben with pickles?"
House gave Wilson his best steely-blue death glare, but Wilson was on a roll and gleefully continued his tales of House's humiliation.
"And then there was that one time when you fell asleep in Exam One and we moved all the clocks and your watch ahead 3 hours and you signed out thinking it was 5pm and it was only 2 and Cuddy nearly blew a gasket when you told her you were heading home?" Wilson howled at this one and wiped a tear from the corner of his eye."Come on, House? Where's your sense of humor?"
"Don't you have work to do? Perhaps a fourth, ex-Mrs. Wilson to woo? "
"I do, but I'm not leaving until I figure out what bee has gotten into your bonnet this morning?"
"A bee in my bonnet?! A bee...in my bonnet?!"
House picked up his phone and placed it to his ear. "Jimmy, 1950 just called. It wants its tired old-biddy cliche back." House dead-panned.
While thinking about how he had been the butt of so many April Fool's jokes over the past few years--some witty, most lame–House gave a dramatic sigh and began pulling a variety of items from his trusty blue backpack.
"You have everything but the kitchen sink in there," Wilson said, ignoring House's snark while continuing to eye the parade of crap coming out of the bag.
House continued to pull out an odd assortment of needed things: his iPod, his GameBoy, a can of Red Bull, a yo-yo, last month's issue of JAMA, a half-eaten bagel and finally a large, spiral-bound day planner that House casually tossed on the desk close to where Wilson was sitting. The book fell open to the month of April where circled in blood red ink was the number 1. It was this last item that caught Wilson's attention.
"Wait a minute! I don't believe it!" Wilson said smacking his forehead. "Now, it makes sense!"
"The brilliant Dr. Gregory House hates April Fool's Day because he doesn't remember that it's April Fool's Day! That's why you keep ending up on the receiving end of the dumbest practical jokes ever played!"
House looked sheepishly down at the floor, refusing to make eye contact, as Wilson began to howl with laughter. Taking one more look at his clearly embarrassed friend and Wilson was instantly hit with a fresh bout of the giggles.
Wilson stood slowly, grabbing his stomach as he headed out the door towards his own office to further enjoy his new revelation. The laughter seemed to hang in the hallway for what seemed like forever to House.
When House was sure that Wilson was well out of sight, he sat down, leaned back in his chair and looked at the planner with the widest smile his facial muscles would allow. What's one day out of the year? he thought. It was the least he could do for his friends.
THE END