They've been married for 288 days when they start trying for a baby.

Which naturally means they've been married for 288 days the first time Schmidt walks in on them trying for a baby.

"We need to lay some ground rules around here."

"No, Schmidt, we really don't."

"Strike one, Nicholas."

"There is no 'we' here- This is- You don't even live here, this is our house!"

"You are completely missing the point here, amigo-"

"-and besides this is all your fault, man! Just knock first and wait for us to let you in!"

"Well, if you didn't insist on leaving your front door unlocked at all times- What if I was one of those thugs, huh? One of those chain-wearing, tire-slashing street youths?"

"He's kind of right about that, Nick-"

"Seriously, Jess? You're siding with him on this?"

"I'm not! I'm just saying, you-"

"Then back me up on this! He breaks into our house, and then-"

"By the way, Jessica, blessings. But I can still totally see your magnificent nectarines from here-Congratulations on those, Nicholas!"

"GET OUT, SCHMIDT!"

You would think the traumatic experience of getting caught on baby-making duty by Schmidt would kill the sex mood for at least a few days.

But.

But. Jess is ovulating and so Nick's basically on call here, because they have less than 36 hours left before she's not ovulating anymore and so they obviously have to do it now.

As in now now.

Which explains why they're supposed to be celebrating Winston's birthday in a very fancy restaurant—it's also the first time Cece and Schmidt are willingly going out since their now-toddler son was born, so you know, double big occasion here—yet Nick and Jess are nowhere to be found.

Schmidt has called them five times in the past ten minutes, his very dramatic appeals for them to stop the blanket bingo and show up already going straight to voicemail. He's so angry that Winston can't stop laughing, which pisses him off even more because it's your special day they're disrespecting, Winston!

It's right then that a grinning Nick suddenly plops down on the chair across from Cece, shirt all messed up and panting loudly while pulling a chair back for a very flushed Jess to sit next to him.

"Sorry we're a bit late, Winston" he says, briefly glancing at his friend before his eyes smile at a giggling Jess. "We couldn't find a parking spot" she pipes in, both of them bursting into laughter when Schmidt glares at them nastily.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever" Winston says, rubs his hands together. "Can you two just look at your menus so we can order already? I'm starving!"

"I bet Nick is starving too" Schmidt spits out. "After all that parking his spot in Jess'-"

"Whoa, whoa" Cece jumps in, clamping a hand over Schmidt's mouth. "I think what he's trying to say is, we're really happy for you guys."

"We're really happy too" Nick says, his eyes still glued to Jess. She's smiling up at him adoringly, and Schmidt rolls his eyes. But then he remembers how much him and Cece struggled to get pregnant, and how much Nick and Jess struggled to get back to each other and- okay, maybe he needs to cut them some slack.

"Just keep it in your pants for the rest of the night, okay, Nicholas?" he says, and he tries to make it sound mean but everyone can hear the teasing and resignation in his tone.

"Yeah, okay" Nick agrees.

"It's a promise" Jess nods.

It's a promise they don't keep.

Okay, they sort of keep the promise until dinner's over.

Sort of because Jess keeps rubbing her foot against Nick's leg every two minutes, grinning maliciously to herself every time she sees him biting back a moan and struggling to keep a straight face.

Sort of because when he decides to join in the fun his retaliation consists of sliding his hand up and under her skirt, slowly tracing the skin of her thigh up up up until his fingers press firmly against her—grinning back at her when she drowns a whimper into her drink.

However, they sort of manage to keep their clothes on- minus Jess' cardigan and Nick's left shoe- until they reach their apartment's door. From there to their bed they somehow manage to discard all their clothing, and Jess can only brace herself against the mattress before he roughly pulls her up on her knees and fucks into her harshly.

"Holy shit, Jess" he breathes out, and she moans out her agreement. One of his hands is grasping her dress and keeping it bunched up around her middle, the other one holding his weight above her. She pushes back against his chest but her arms give away- so she buries her face in the mattress and stifles a whimper, which only spurs him on even more.

He keeps panting in her ear in time with his thrusts, and she's trying to keep quiet- muffling her sobs into the quilt until she remembers they live alone and she doesn't have to be quiet. She moves her head to the side and lets out a breathy cry, reaching her arm around to pull on his hair while his lips keep sucking on her neck.

"Oh my God, Nick" she cries out.

He's trying to hold on a bit longer, but he's slamming into her so deeply and she keeps making these sounds and when he tightens his fingers on her hips she lets out a strangled cry- she clenches around him wildly and his hips buck against her in response, drawing out her release and holding her body up with his arm. He buries his face in her neck again and groans, nipping at her skin and making her shudder as she feels the now familiar warmth spreading inside of her. He keeps pumping in and out of her until he's done, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and then pulling out of her.

"Christ" he grunts, rolling to lay on his back, careful not to crush her.

"I'm-" she gasps out, but then she scrunches up her nose and starts laughing, the sound vibrating against his chest.

"What?"

"I'm just- It's so-" she says, moves her head so she's looking up at him. Grins at him and he frowns curiously at her. "Squishy."

"Squishy, Jessica?" he chuckles, but grimaces when she lifts her leg and some of the squishiness lands on his hip.

Point proven.

"Yeah, okay, let me grab a washcloth" he tells her, reaching for the nightstand. He cleans himself up and then smiles at her, about to press the cloth to her-

"No, actually- I read I have to lie down on my back" she says, disentangles herself from him and grabs her pillow. He watches her move around on the bed and turtlefaces when she lifts her feet up on the wall, right next to his face, and puts the pillow under her head "-and then do this."

"Are you serious? Where did you read that?"

"Fit Pregnancy. It's supposed to help the sperm fertilize the egg-"

"Yeah, and it's also the most romantic post-sex position ever" he teases her, then sits up and taps her calf. "I'm not sleeping with your feet right next to my face, Jess- Nor with your breasts looking at me upside down."

Before she can say anything he's pushed himself up into his knees, thrown his own pillow right next to her head and crawled next to her—he presses a kiss to her nose then lies down next to her with a resigned, sleepy sigh.

"Come here, you" he grunts, managing to maneuver them into a spooning position and pull the covers over them. Her back against his chest- her feet still up on the wall- and his arms around her waist, she places her hand over his. "See? Much better like this."

"Much better" she agrees, then lets out a quiet laugh. "Still squishy, though."

He's already half asleep but he chuckles with her. "Go to sleep, Jess."

Two months later and it's summer, and Nick's got a whole free month from work- his boss is such a cool and handsome guy, Jess teases him (spoiler alert: Nick IS his boss. He bought the bar shortly before marrying Jess and is now a part-time bar manager, part-time fiction writer. Between both his jobs and her salary as principal, they make more money than they ever thought they would).

They've also been married for almost a year now and Nick swears he falls in love with his wife a bit more every day. People say it's not possible, but he knows it is. Jess tells him she loves him all the time and no matter how many times she says it, it still makes him feel all giddy and happy to hear it from her and to see the way she looks at him agrees with her words.

So everything's going pretty perfect right now, if it weren't for the fact that Jess is still not pregnant.

And it's not like they've stopped trying, really. Quite the contrary- in fact, their constant we-have-to-do-it-now-we-have-to-do-it-here managed to finally grant Schmidt his wish to finally see Nick's penis (Cece got an eyeful too, not that she'd wished for it, but).

And it's that we-have-to-do-it-now-we-have-to-do-it-here that finds them in bed on a Friday evening, two weeks before their first wedding anniversary, having merely made it back home with their clothes on—who knew grocery shopping could be so fun? Nick had decided the wooden staircase of their house seemed like a good place to christen, but the logistics had proven way too difficult and so he had let Jess hurriedly usher him upstairs and into their bedroom.

Now, a mere ten minutes later- no complaints from either Nick nor Jess, since she was already halfway gone before he'd even gotten to work—and they're lying in a pile of sweaty limbs, the sheets kicked away as their bodies begin to cool off.

"I definitely got you pregnant this time" Nick chuckles, but her nose is buried in his neck and she doesn't laugh. "You okay, Jess?" he asks, tracing his hand up and down her naked back.

"Yeah" she answers, but she can hear her own muffled voice and she knows he knows something's up.

"Jess-" he starts, all the alarms going off in his head. His mind is racing trying to find an explanation to her being obviously upset. Did she have a fight with Cece? Was it something that he did? He's sure he left the toilet seat down and he didn't forget to put the butter in the fridge, so-

"It's just-" she sighs, sits up in bed (he does, too) and the rambling begins. "Sadie basically told me I was the Egg Queen, you know? But that-That was years ago. So what if-? I mean, we've been trying for almost three months now, so-"

"Hey, stop-" he tries, because he knows where she's headed next, but-

"- maybe there is something wrong? With me? Or with you? Or with both of us? Because-"

"No" he cuts her off, and he sounds so sure that she shuts her mouth and stares up at him expectantly. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Or me. At least in this respect-" he tries to joke, but-

"Nick-"

"No, Jess, just hear me out, okay?" he says, and he's serious now. "There's nothing wrong with you, or with me" he repeats, because he needs that to come across to her. "We've only been trying for a couple months, baby, and you know the doctor said it could take up to a year with everything being completely normal" he says, pats himself mentally on the back because guess who paid attention at the doctor's office.

"I know, but Nick-" she argues, presses her hand against his lips because he's ready to interrupt her again. "What if there was something wrong? What if there is?" she asks, and he can hear the fear and insecurity in her voice. He knows how much she wants a baby, and he wants it just as much as she does, so he takes a deep breath and grabs her hands in his.

"There's nothing wrong" he repeats, "But-" he continues, because she's ready to disagree and he needs her to listen to him. "If there was, Jess-" he says, "If there was-"

His fingers hook under her chin and he lifts her head up to meet his eyes. "We would figure it out together" he smiles lovingly at her. "And we would get through it together, just like we always do. Okay?"

She wants to answer him but her eyes have filled up with tears and she chokes back a sob. "Okay, Jess?" he presses, his hand on her thigh warm and comforting and his eyes looking worriedly at her. And it's right in that moment that she knows he's right, and that there probably is nothing wrong- it's just her jumping to conclusions. It's also right in that moment that she knows that even if he were mistaken, and something is wrong, they would be fine.

They would be.

She throws her arms around his neck and she lets out the sob she's been holding back into his shoulder. "Okay" she mumbles, smiles when she feels him kiss her head. "I love you so much, Jess" he whispers against her hair.

She pulls back from him and a wet, bright smile is lighting up her face.

"There it is, see?" he laughs, and she sees the frown relaxing on his face when he taps her nose and she chuckles at him.

"I'm sorry, I'm just being-"

"I know" he says, reaching for her hand and pulling her to him. She lets him embrace her and sighs, then pushes him on his back and cuddles into his body, burying her nose into his neck again.

They stay like that for a while, and Nick's already falling into a sleep coma when he feels her grin against his chest. He twists his head to look down at her and draws in a breath when he feels her hand snaking down his body.

"Jess?"

"Mmmh?"

"Are you- Fuck!"

"What was that?"

"Tease" he grunts, and his eyes have darkened to that almost black that shoots a rush of warmth right between her legs. She sighs and lies on her back, pulling him on top of her and moaning against his ear- because she knows that's like, one of his biggest turn ons.

She moans again and he thrusts his hips into her, which in turn makes her plant her feet on the bed and spreads her legs wider, and she can feel him about to push into her- and the loud ringing noise coming from his phone turns her moans into an annoyed cry.

He drops his head into her shoulder and groans, willing for the ringing to stop. When the sound dies out pitifully, he lifts his head and grins at her, and she lifts her head up to kiss him- her lips are grazing his when the ringing echoes through the room again.

"Fuck" Nick curses, and pushes himself up on his knees. He fishes his discarded jeans from the floor and pulls his phone out, another fuck rolling out of his tongue when he sees the name on the screen. Jess is sitting up straight now, an annoyed look plastered on her face and her lips contorting into a pout.

"It's Schmidt" he rolls his eyes and bites back a chuckle at the irritated groan she lets out. "Let's just ignore it" he grins at her, drops the phone to the floor and pushes her on her back again, moving in between her legs.

Naïve, Nick. As soon as the ringing stops, it starts again. And again. Then it's Jess's phone that's ringing. With a resigned grunt, she sits up and reaches for the offending object, Cece's name flashing on the screen.

"Hey, Cece- Now's not the best time- Wait, what? - Yeah, but you guys said Friday and-"

Nick is gesturing weirdly at her and Oh.

Friday.

Friday is today. Today is Friday.

Nick widens his eyes in panic and he mouths at her no, no, no. NO.

"No, we didn't forget, we were just- Yeah, okay, but we were- Okay, we'll be there soon-Yes, we will."

No. No. NO.

Nick is still shaking his head when she hangs up the call, looking equally as crushed. "We have to go, Nick. Schmidt will kill us and we promised" she tells him, and she's right- but still. Dammit.

But then a mischievous grin splits across her face and she pushes him on his back, loving his half surprised, half aroused stare when her naked body settles above him. "I bet he's already mad, so let's just make him a little madder, huh?" she purrs, her hand already reaching for him.

He chokes on his own breath when her hand comes into contact with his dick and he lets out an involuntary groan. "We gotta be quick, though, okay?" she tells him, bites down on his lip.

He's totally fine with that, and he tries to tell her- but he can only gasp in pleasure when she suddenly braces one hand on his chest and slides all the way down onto him, crying out when she feels that perfect stretch-and-pull again.

He's totally fine with that.

For their first wedding anniversary, Nick rents out a cabin two hours north of the city for them to spend the weekend. When they get there, he spends almost half an hour trying to get her to stop crying- when she opens the door to the cabin there are bouquets of flowers everywhere, a trail of red petals leading to the biggest bed she's ever seen and a bottle of champagne cooling in an ice bucket with two glasses.

She kisses him hard and grabs her suitcase, and he's still breathless and dazed from their kiss when she disappears into the bathroom, kicking the door shut behind her. He can hear her rummaging around in the bathroom, so he throws himself down on the bed and drifts off- she wakes him up sometime later, straddling him and kissing his face. She's no longer wearing her blue dress, but a short, black nightgown that does nothing to cover her modesty. The silver chain of the necklace he gave her in the morning resting against her collarbone, she leans down to kiss him, her wavy hair framing her face. He traces the necklace with his finger and she smiles at him, pressing her lips to his temple.

"You're beautiful" he tells her, his hands settling at her hips. He caresses the soft material of her negligée and smiles when she shivers at his touch, her eyes closed as he softly kisses her collarbone.

They make love for what seems like hours, Nick on his back while Jess moves slowly on top of him. His hands are everywhere at once and she keeps arching her back and calling out his name, and he swears, he swears he's never seen anything more beautiful in his entire life.

He whispers how much he loves her against her skin, and she pulls him up into a seating position and holds onto him when she lets herself go, whimpering when he rocks up into her a few more times before collapsing on his back.

Later that night, when she tells him she's pregnant, it's his turn to cry—she holds him to her and tells him she loves him over and over again. He's holding onto her like he never wants to let go and her neck is damp in the spot where he buries his face to cry.

"So how long have you known for?" he asks her, chuckling again at the baby bottle full of whiskey she'd used to break the news to him.

"Let me fix you a drink" she'd said to him, watching him get comfortable on the couch. Smiling to herself, she'd turned around and pretended to look around for glasses, digging through the minibar before walking back to the couch and setting down the alcohol filled baby bottle in front of a momentarily (very) confused Nick.

"What's-? Is that-? Are you-?"

She'd nodded her head at him and smiled, and the beam that lit up his face made her immediately choke up- his eyes were glassy and wet when he pulled her into his lap and kissed her, her reveal slowly lulling him into complete blissfulness.

"Two days" she smiles and looks down at their joined hands on her stomach. "I went to see Sadie on Thursday- I'd taken two tests and they both came back positive, so-"

"And she told you then?"

"Yes, and-"

"She told you how far along you are?" he interrupts her, the excitement still plastered all over his face making the fluttering in her heart grow even bigger.

"A little over three weeks, she said. My due date is May 24th. "

She smiles at the way he frowns and she can practically see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to do the math. But another thought seems to interrupt him and he shifts against her, her legs across his lap and their hands still joined.

"And everything's fine?"

"Everything's perfect."

He drops back against the couch and stares into space, a light smile still dancing on his lips. She observes him for a minute when an upsetting thought crosses her mind.

"You're not- You're not mad I didn't tell you straight away, right?

"What?"

"Well, since I took the tests without telling you about it, and then I went to Sadie-"

"Jess! You just gave me the best news ever. You are having my child-"

"Yes, but-"

He presses his lips to hers and effectively shuts her up, because he's still so drunk with joy that he's finding it hard to function.

"God, Jess. No, I'm not mad. Of course I'm not mad! I'm about the happiest man on Earth right now!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" he says. Disentangling their hands, he pulls her up to straddle his lap again. Hugging her tightly to him, she has to suppress the yawn that threatens to escape her when the weight of the day starts to catch up to her. "Are you tired?"

"Not really" she tells him, but she also doesn't bother trying to hide another yawn.

"Okay" he chuckles, "Time for bed, hold on to me." She laces her hands around his neck and he stands up with her in his arms, walking them to the unmade bed and laying her down carefully. He struggles with the sheets for a bit, letting out a triumphant laugh when he manages to disentangle them and throw them over her, turning off the soft lights of the cabin and crawling in beside her- spooning her body to him. His hand splays against her stomach and she feels his smile on her neck.

"I can't wait to meet her."

"Her?"

"Yeah, it's a girl."

"What? You can't possibly know that!"

"Oh, but I do, Jessica. It's a girl."

"Do you want to find out?"

"No need to, I'm telling you. It's a girl."

"What if it's a boy?"

"It's not. A father always knows."

"Nick! You are making no sense right now!"

"Shhh- go to sleep, Jess. My girls need to rest."

She wiggles her butt against his crotch and giggles into the pillow when he gasps, his hand on her stomach moving to grab her hip and press her against him.

"Jess-"

"I told you I wasn't tired" she says, and turns her head to look at him. Even though the dim light coming from the window the position they're in are making it difficult for her to make out his features, she can see he's arching his brows at her. "Aren't you in the mood for some celebrating?" she grins at him, then tips her head up to press kisses along his throat.

"Mmmh-" he plays along, his hand under her nightgown tracing the curve of her hip. "Did you have something specific in mind?"

Jess beams at him and giggles, shifts back and her butt slides against him again. "Well-" she says, puts a finger to her chin and pretends to think. "Since that is out of the cards-" she sighs, and motions her head towards the now forgotten bottle of champagne. She places her hands on his shoulders and pushes until he rolls on his back, taking her with him and moaning when she grounds her hips down into him and settles right over his hard-on.

"I was thinking-" she breathes out against his lips, "-of something like this?"

He grunts and pulls her to him, bringing his lips to hers and letting his hands roam freely over her body. He thinks about how perfect his life has become ever since they chased one another up and down an elevator and how unreal it still seems that the girl of his dreams is now his wife.

They agree not to tell anyone until her pregnancy hits week ten, because Jess wants to wait until there's fewer risks and Nick is still high up on cloud nine to even think about the risks or about not agreeing with Jess on absolutely everything.

Besides, she tells him, there is something really thrilling about having something that is just theirs, something that only they know about for a while.

However, they forget to take into account one little detail.

One little detail that comes in the form of the giant headed, unashamedly nosey individual Nick still calls his best friend.

The aforementioned individual is the reason their original plan lasts a whole two days.

Because it's two days after their anniversary escapade that Cece and Schmidt ask them to babysit their son for a couple hours, and obviously Jess thinks it's a great idea because we need to start practicing, Nick! and practically rips the toddler out of Cece's arms as soon as Nick opens the door to them.

Nick sets the overnight crib while Schmidt watches and tells him everything he's doing wrong, then tries to French kiss him when his son is finally tucked in and asleep. Cece and Jess laugh at the two of them from a distance,

It's then that Schmidt needs to use the bathroom before they leave, but somehow nobody's looking at him and so he takes a little detour that leads him straight into their bedroom.

Their bedroom that happens to have a bag with three onesies that Nick absolutely had to buy the second he saw them currently lying on their bed. Which is why ten seconds later Schmidt bursts out of their bedroom and Cece whisper-yells at him and he whisper-yells back because he was just checking to see if they were using those Crepe de Chine silk sheets we got them, Cecelia! but he's also holding a onesie in his hand and there really is no point in making anything up because it's Schmidt and it's Nick and Nick can't lie.

Especially under pressure, so.

"You're- you're pregnant?" Schmidt asks, and lets out a piercing sob when Jess looks at Nick and gives a resigned sigh, then nods her head at him and an enormous grin lights up her face.

Cece chuckles loudly and walks to her, both women squealing at each other while Schmidt stares between them and Nick, putting the onesie down on the couch before patting Nick on the back.

"Yahweh be blessed, hallelujah" he shrieks loudly, throwing his hands up in the air in a very dramatic gesture. His eyes are getting all puffy and wet and Nick feels the turtleface forming on his features. "No more dick spotting around here, am I right Nicholas?"

"Wait-" Nick starts. "Are you crying because you're happy Jess is pregnant or because our baby making will no longer interfere with your plans?"

Schmidt pulls Jess into him and hugs her, clucking his tongue at Nick. "Does it really matter, Nicholas?" he says, and Jess lets go of him and chuckles.

"Yeah, so it's the second one" Nick shrugs, then smiles when Jess walks to him and wraps her arms around him.

And of course before Schmidt can retort, his son's piercing cry echoes through the room- which is his cue to escape before Nick and Jess can reconsider the whole babysitting their toddler godson thing.

"Have fun, lovebirds" Schmidt cackles. "Love you both, happy for you, see you later!" He grabs Cece's hand and even though she glances apologetically at their two friends, it takes two seconds for her to follow her husband and for the front door to slam closed behind them.

"Traitors" Nick mutters under his breath. He looks over at Jess and she's already holding the child in her arms, bouncing him lightly until his cries subside to tiny hiccups.

"See? This is easy" she says softly, more to herself than anything. She keeps rocking back and forth and smiles at Nick. "It's easy."

Nick smiles back at her and walks to stand behind her, sliding his arm around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder, peering down at the chubby kid on her arms. He presses a kiss against her neck and tries to imagine what their baby will look like, and even though he's done it at least a hundred times in the past few days, each and every time there's the same big blue eyes and chubby cheeks smiling up at him while her tiny fist curls around his finger.

Nick's never felt so helpless as he does while watching Jess give birth- standing by her side while she death-grips his hand, her face glistening with tears and sweat. He tells her how much he loves her while she curses at him, then tells her again when she sobs out his name in pain. When the doctor tells her just one more push, he kisses her hair and tightens his arm around her, and then she lets out one last piercing scream and he holds his breath and everything stops.

A few hours later it's just the three of them in their hospital room- he feels Jess resting her head on his shoulder and he smiles at the pink bundle in his arms that is blinking up at them slowly. Her eyes are blue, and even though Jess says they might change he knows they won't.

"She's perfect, Jess" he tells her, the baby gripping his finger in her fist. "She's absolutely perfect."

And even though Nick's never believed in love at first sight, he looks at Jess and then down at their daughter and he's willing to admit his mistake. After all, he's already been proven wrong twice.