The Sorting Hat mumbled to itself, but Jalisa (my totally not self-insert Harry Potter OC) had already stopped listening. She could tell everyone in the Great Hall was staring at her, and that she was getting closer and closer to being the first hatstall in years. She didn't care what house she got, as long as this waiting ended soon.
Suddenly, the Sorting Hat spoke up. "Divergent!"
Hushed whispers rippled through the house tables. "What does that mean?" "Impossible!" "ASDFGHJKL!"
Minerva McGonagall silenced the crowd. "Quiet! Settle down, please!" She turned to Jalisa. "Is this some sort of practical joke?"
"But of course not," the Sorting Hat replied. "Miss Weschen shares the qualities of all four houses in equal measure... she cannot be controlled."
"Is that so?" McGonagall asked curtly. "This is... unprecedented. Well, Weschen, stay in any house dormitory you wish for tonight, and I'll consult the Hogwarts staff about your schedule. Now, on with the Sorting!"
Jalisa awkwardly stepped down and, keeping her head low, grabbed a spot at the end of the Slytherin table, where she hoped no one would stare at her. It didn't work.
After the feast, she finally got away from the tables and tried to blend in with a crowd of Slytherins. It seemed to be working fine until the Head Girl said, "Not so fast, you... whatever you are! You're not a true Slytherin, and our Common Room has been intruder-free centuries."
One of the Slytherins, Albus Potter, chuckled. "That's what you think." A/N: I wrote this one-shot before Cursed Child came out, so I totally called this.
Jalisa couldn't help feeling a little stung. "Fine, then."
She was about to walk off and find the Hufflepuff basement or Ravenclaw tower, when a satyr walked up to her and said, "You're no witch, you're a half-blood!"
"Yeah," Jalisa replied, "I knew that already."
"No," the satyr insisted, "I mean you're a demigod! I have to take you to a safe place for demi—"
But he was cut off as a prefect put him in a full body-bind jinx. "Sorry, Jalisa, the sixth-years are studying satyrs for Care of Magical Creatures. This one must have gotten loose in the castle."
"Okay, this is weird," she said. "I'm just gonna—"
But all of a sudden (before anyone could have even expected it), a magical train crashed through the wall.
"Is that the Hogwarts express?" someone shrieked.
"No," Jalisa gasped, having watched many a muggle movie. "It's—"
But in yet another random interruption, the Doctor from Doctor Who, Emmet and Clara Brown, and Zaphod Beeblebrox all hopped out of the train.
"Jalisa, we must go back," said Emmet. "Back... to the future!"
THE END?!