"On a clear day, you can see forever."
.
No matter how blue the sky seems, it is never a good idea to venture out in shirt sleeves in the middle of a Lochaber February. This was a lesson which, after nearly seven years of petulant Scottish weather, a perceptive youth like Sirius Black really ought to have learnt by now. And yet, here he was, freezing his sodding balls off through a weak Hot-Air charm, all to find one surprisingly elusive Lily Evans.
He couldn't deny that it was a glorious day—visually, at least. Though wide drifts of glistening snow were still draped over the brown slopes, and Madam Pomfrey was doling out pepper-up potion like pumpkin juice, there were some hopeful signs that spring was on its way. Under the gentle coaxing of Professor Sprout, pools of milky snowdrops, lilac clusters of crocuses, and even one very brave (and vocal) honking daffodil had struggled through the hard frost in the main Quad, despite no drastic improvements in the weather. Only the previous morning, on his way to Care of Magical Creatures, Sirius had even had a cauldron cake snatched out of his hands by the Giant Squid, the creature unusually brazen after many hungry months sulking in the icy depths of the Black Lake in a futile attempt to hibernate. And now with the rather stunning blue sky and clear air, the wispy, grey mists had finally lifted and opened up the whole glen- the whole world, it seemed- to the eye.
But that didn't change the fact that the temperature, in Sirius' opinion, was about as cosy as a short stint in Azkaban. And, as he nearly went over (again) on a patch of ice beneath the clock tower, clutching at the robes of the accommodating Galantha Meadowes to keep his balance, he cursed the day that James Potter had become fixated upon a pair of big green eyes and flame-coloured hair. The things he did for friendship.
For nearly a week now, Lily Evans had barely been seen outside of class, and, while Sirius normally wouldn't have been particularly worried (it was Evans after all, she did fortnight-long library stints and then slept for the next week), it was the effect her absence was having on her boyfriend that was getting on his nerves. Because this was no ordinary disappearance; James' girlfriend was definitely avoiding him. What other reason could there be for her diving under the Ravenclaw Table last Monday breakfast? Or Emmeline Vance's story about her jumping to hide behind the statue of Paracelsus upon hearing the boys behind her on the way to Potions? And though he was still confused and hurt as to why, James Potter was very much aware of it. Even worse, he steadfastly refused to do anything about it, claiming that chasing Lily would only push her further away. Instead, he trailed around wearing a particularly mournful expression and taking little interest in anything other than his Head Boy duties.
It made Sirius sick.
Had this been two years ago, it would have been entertaining to tease James' false confidence and watch as he grew increasingly defensive about it. It would have been simple to lift his spirits too: switching Dahlia Stimpson's supply of Sleakeazy's with a hair-raising potion, or dousing Billy Towler's robes in dragon dung would have done the trick.
Instead, James was so disinterested in everything that teasing him had lost its fun. Spiking the Slytherins' pumpkin juice with a Babbling Beverage had barely received any recognition beyond a pitiful whine of "Don't Sirius", and a month's worth of detentions from Professor McGonagall. And, regardless of whether or not Sirius thought his best mate was being a "whinging drama queen", James' despondent air and sad puppy-dog eyes had eventually become unbearable. He had been forced to flee the gloom of the Common Room in order to seek out some remedy. Only after descending sixteen flights of stairs had he realised that he had forgotten his cloak.
Having been forced by Remus to swear not to return until the problem was fixed, he had had little choice but to carry on, even after his first search had proved fruitless. If icicles hadn't been forming on the end of his nose, he might have commended Evans on her ability to evade detection. Even armed with the Marauders' Map, it had taken him nearly two hours to find her- -though, admittedly, part of that time had been spent in tracking down a Lilac Ewing in the dungeons (honestly, his eyesight was getting worse than James'), and then being cornered and interrogated by Slughorn about a mysteriously illegible essay on Amortentia.
But finally, after overcoming numerous obstacles (alright, just Mrs Norris), he had spotted a motionless little dot on the edge of the grounds that had previously been obscured by a gaggle of first years mucking about with a quaffle. Eager not to let it escape him again, he was making towards it as fast as he could go on two legs, his breath misting the air in front of him.
Clattering through the covered bridge, he suddenly realised that he had no idea how he was going to tackle his quarry. Should he pull out his wand and threaten to hex her until she agreed to stop avoiding James? He quickly dismissed the thought; much as it pained him to admit it, Evans would probably flatten him if it came to a duel; even if she didn't, Prongs wasn't likely to thank him for threatening his precious flower.
Well then, he could always grovel at her feet, couldn't he? Plead with her to take pity on his lacklustre social life and poor street cred caused by the gloomy presence of morose Head Boys and all that? That too, was out of the question. Sirius was already putting his health at risk in an attempt to reconcile the two lovebirds. He wasn't willing to sacrifice his pride as well.
Bribery might work. Actually, wait, that was a brilliant idea. She'd probably love those Venomous Tentacula seeds Peter had liberated from Sprout's private stores during detention; it wouldn't take much to get him to hand them over. Of course, she'd moan about rules and the law for a bit, give him the disapproving prefect stare, and maybe even stamp her foot; but half of Gryffindor Tower knew that their fine, upstanding Head Girl brewed experimental potions in the second-floor girls' bathroom on a regular basis. Being offered a Class C Non-Tradable Substance to work with probably wouldn't faze her in the slightest. And maybe, if she was feeling particularly grateful , she'd let him in on a share of the Polyjuice she'd been hiding. The things he could achieve with that…
As happy thoughts of screaming Slytherins flooded his mind, Sirius reached the sun dial garden and leaned against a stone, clutching at the stitch in his side. A few yards away he spotted a hunched over figure, her back to him from where she sat perched on a rocky outcrop overlooking the north side of the glen. Shadows fled over the golden slopes, rising and sinking with the clouds as they raced across the sky; far below, the glassy waters of the loch caught every detail, trapping the world as if in a mirror.
A picturesque sight indeed, and Lily was caught in it, immersed in the breath-taking accuracy of the reflection. She didn't notice Sirius as he clambered down, preparing himself to bargain, until his voice startled her out of her reverie.
"Oi, Evans."
The redhead dragged her gaze away from the view and turned to face him, looking surprised. "Oh, hello Black. I'd been hoping to talk to you."
Sirius blinked. In none of his mental scenarios had he entertained the possibility that Evans might be willing to have this conversation. Honestly, he was a little suspicious; he racked his brains, wondering if he'd done anything that might have annoyed her lately. The list was long.
Lily did not wait for him to answer, however. Turning her face back to the north, she began to babble in falsely cheery tones. "Nice day, isn't it? Thought I'd get some fresh air. You get a good view from here; when it's clear, that is. Mary told me this is the spot where Elfrida Clagg used to sit and think when she was at Hogwarts- she's always going on about how you can gain inspiration from standing in the footsteps of your ancestors, or some such rubbish. I bet loads of students have tried though, and we don't know any of their names. Like spring flowers: countless, nameless, fragile… oh God, that's awfully pretentious. Do you ever think about that? All the people who came before us who just fade into nothing when they're gone? Are we going the same way?"
"Er- no, I don't." Sirius wasn't feeling particularly polite. He hadn't come all the way out here to chat about ruddy Elfina Magg, or whatever her name was. "Look, Evans, we need to talk-"
"Mm, yes," Lily interrupted again, crossing her legs beneath her as she pulled up grass thoughtfully. "Sorry. I'd have asked Remus but I think you'd help more."
"With what?"
There was a pause and Lily surveyed him with mild disbelief, before scoffing and tossing her head.
"Oh come on, Black. I know he's going to propose."
Sirius blinked again. The words had momentarily knocked his brain out of sorts. This conversation was getting stranger by the minute. Frowning, he threw himself down onto the moss beside her and, after a moment, said cautiously, "Well that's an extremely serious accusation to make, Evans."
"He hasn't he told you? Emmeline saw him with the ring, and St Valentine's is coming up." She was babbling again, tearing up the ground in an almost distressing fashion. "She's very excited- Em, that is. She wants to be a bridesmaid, of course. She wants a purple dress: purple and black, to go with her hair. It's out of the question, of course, even if I-"
Here she broke off and tossed an angry fistful of wet grass into the wind.
"Even if you say yes," Sirius finished for her. "And no, he hasn't told me. So that's what he's been planning, the specky git! Why didn't he tell me?" A hint of a whine was audible in his voice and he scowled at how childish it sounded.
"Maybe he thought you'd make fun of him," Lily offered with a shrug.
"Of course I would! I always make fun of him! But he knows I don't mean it. And this- well it was inevitable, wasn't it?"
"Was it?" There was a note of uncertainty in her voice, but a smile tugged at her lips all the same.
Sirius sighed. Sorting out Lily Evans' confidence issues was not in his remit- that job belonged to Vance or MacDonald or James, or anyone really- so long as it wasn't him. But the pathetic expression she wore was so reminiscent of her boyfriend's that, once again, he felt himself being guilt-tripped into helping. Life would have been so much easier if he'd just accepted his own advice about the advantages of having no heart.
"Look Evans, if you haven't noticed yet, the only thing that's stopping Prongs pitching himself off the astronomy tower is the fact that he's Head Boy. And that only means something to him- I don't agree with it, but it does- it only means something because you (alright and Dumbledore, but mostly you) believe he's right for the job. Moony's words, not mine, if you don't believe me."
"I believe you. But that could be-"
"-absolutely nothing other than James being completely head-over-heels for you, Evans. And I hate to sound like one of those bloody magazines your friend Vance is so fond of, but anyone can see you're as much a sucker for him as he is for you."
Lily flushed. "Really?"
"Really, Evans. It's bloody disgusting, actually. MacDonald told me all about the letters under your pillow- ow!"
He nursed his arm indignantly as Lily lowered her book- -sorry, make that offensive weapon- -and shook her head, smiling sadly. "We're all very transparent, aren't we? Humans that is."
Sirius grunted. Philosophical discussions weren't really his style. There was more than enough time for that when you were alone- that daft little hamster in his brain that some people called a subconscious could do with shutting up from time to time.
After a moment, in which Lily said nothing more and returned to tugging lightly at the grass in front of her, he crossed his arms and fixed her with a keen stare. "Alright, so you like him, he likes you: he proposes, then you ride off into the sunset. Vance sobs, Moony gets the bouquet, and Wormtail pelts you both with confetti. What's the problem?"
"The problem?!" She looked quite mad and Sirius shrunk back, startled by the sudden outburst. Whatever it was that had been eating away at her seemed about to explode into the open, and in a fit of classic Evans temper at that.
"How can you not see what the problem is?! I'm barely eighteen!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot. Pure-bloods do it young, but I'm sure Prongs is happy to wait a few years before, you know, kids and all that-"
"Oh, great bloody flipping Nora, Black! That is not the point!"
Although he could be obtuse when he chose, Sirius was a bright lad and even he couldn't fail to understand her meaning the second time around. Suddenly this was no longer a conversation he felt equipped to handle.
"Look, Evans, I'm really not good with this stuff," he gabbled, attempting to get to his feet and back away. "Surely Vance or MacDonald or- look, I'll get MacDonald will I? I'm sure she-"
"Don't you move, Black," Lily snapped. Then she frowned and seemed to steady herself, before gritting her teeth and beginning again in a considerably calmer tone. "Sirius, I mean. I need your advice. I already know what the others will say. Em will tell me to get over myself and start trying on dresses. She might even throw in that line she likes about 'only living once'. Mary will sit and think about it, and maybe get some ice cream while she does; then she'll go and confront James and he'll take it the wrong way and then maybe he will jump off the sodding astronomy tower and then-" She broke off to choke down a shuddering sob. "And then of course he'll be dead when all I needed was time to bloody think and talk to the one unbiased person in this whole damn mess, except oh no-"
"Alright, alright," Sirius fished in his pocket for a handkerchief in panic and, failing to find one, handed her the crumpled scarf he'd borrowed off Galantha Meadowes. To be fair, Evans was doing a very good job of holding back her tears, but it was always best to be prepared. "It's all right. We'll sort it out. I promise- no, I swear on my life- I'll help. There, you happy? But just one thing, why do you think I'm unbiased? I mean, Moony-"
"Remus is...I don't know. I don't want to talk to him about it. I feel like- it's probably really silly but- I feel like he'll tell me what he thinks I want to hear. And besides, he has enough on his plate." She wound the scarf round her hands and then unraveled it again indecisively. The breeze had dropped slightly and a cloud lingered over the nearest peak, its shadow spreading sluggishly towards the next, as if it were tired of chasing the wind. "Anyway, I just- I hope you'll tell me the truth. About me and James. I know we haven't exactly been the best of friends, but you're his friend. I need to know: do you think this is what he really wants?"
Oh good, they were starting with the easy questions.
"Yeah, course I do," Sirius snorted. And then, before she could say something skeptical, "Listen, the first time I met him, he told me he was going to be in Gryffindor. He was this scrawny little idiot who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut, but he knew what he wanted. Then next year he decided he wanted to be on the Quidditch team, and McGonagall nearly strung him up for not paying attention in class for weeks, but she was laughing when it turned out he'd been spending every night on a broom pushing himself to get in shape. And then of course, he turned round last year and said something daft about showing you what a good person he could really be, and I suppose you decided he was in the end…"
"Look, just because I didn't like him sometimes, doesn't mean I didn't love him-" Lily began to mutter but Sirius cut her off again.
"The point I'm trying to make, Evans, is that those are the only times I've ever heard him be decisive about something- -'til now that is. I've seen him in Honeydukes- he'd spend hours choosing between two identical chocolate frogs if he could. But when he is decisive, he means it. If James has gone and bought a ring, it's because he really wants to marry you." Having finished his little speech, Sirius paused to take a huge gulp of fresh air. "That help at all?"
Lily was very silent for a moment and then shook her head. "I don't know. I suppose. But whether it's good or bad that he's serious, well…" she trailed off, staring into space. Then, with a suddenness that startled him, she guffawed and nudged his arm. "Never thought you were so sappy, Black."
"Oi, watch it or I won't let you name your first child after me."
"Why on earth-"
"Well you can't name it after James can you? Sirius is good. Works for girls and boys. Unisex, that's the word. Besides, Prongs probably wants to call the poor thing Elvendork."
Lily gagged and then leaned back in thought, stretching her legs out in front of her. "Why do you call him that?" she blurted out, curiously.
"What Elvendork? Nah I was saying-"
"Not Elvendork! James- why do you call him Prongs? Since we're sharing things. I've always wondered and James won't tell me, not yet anyway."
"Ah," Sirius tapped his nose and waggled his eyebrows, grinning lewdly. "You'll find out on your wedding night, I shouldn't wonder."
Lily seemed to be contemplating hitting him with her book again, but instead focused on the main topic of conversation, her brow furrowing as she let out another sigh. "So, he's serious then. That might be problematic."
"Right, well, let's go through it bit by bit," Sirius pressed the tips of his fingers together and peered at her over them, looking for all the world like Florian Maugantius, who, though he professed to teach Divination, seemed to be under the impression that he was some kind of therapist. "And when, in your opinion, do you think that these reservations about your relationship began?"
"Oh stop it you," Lily swatted at his hands. "It's not reservations about my relationship or any of that! It's just that I heard about the ring and, it's a bit of a shock, you know? It's got nothing to do with whether I love him. Got that?"
"Hmm, yes, yes. Just a temporary crisis then. So, (just to be absolutely certain, you understand), you have absolutely no reservations whatsoever about certain aspects of James' character: his abominable dress sense, his complete inability to hold his firewhisky, his quite frightening attachment to his Comet 260-"
"No!" She glared at him. "I know that you're a funny person, Black, but just for once could you be serious?"
"It's my middle- -oh no wait, first- name." But he sighed and assumed a graver aspect anyway. "Right, so what's frightening you then, exactly, if it's not whether you like James?"
Lily puffed up her cheeks and blew the air out again in frustration. As if in answer, the sluggish cloud began to move a little faster. It seemed to be one of the few still lurking overhead, and otherwise the sky was a fair, open blue. It had even become slightly warmer.
"I suppose…" she began at last, as she gazed upwards. "I suppose I know that if he asked me I'd probably jump straight into his arms. And that's what worries me, partly. Two years ago I didn't even particularly like him. And now…I'm just worried I'm too young, that I'm not grown-up enough to deal with it. I mean, it's all very well for James to be decisive, but sometimes I still feel as if I want to curl up in bed and shut out the world. Surely that means I'm too immature to be making decisions like this?"
Sirius thought for a moment. She was probably expecting something witty or thought-provoking in his reply, and he immediately started analysing everything that Moony had ever said to him. Funnily enough, though, the little hamster in his brain had started chattering away again, and for once it wasn't speaking nonsense.
"I think, if you were really too immature, you wouldn't worry that you were. D'you get what I mean? Like, you're a very sensible person and the fact that you chose to check your instinct seems pretty wise. But at the same time, if you overthink, you'll never get anything done. Sometimes you have to trust yourself. I'm not saying that I think you should jump Prongs right now; but if you really can't come to a conclusion, always follow your gut."
Here he pulled a wry face. "And somehow, I get the feeling that adults want to curl up under a blanket and forget about the world just as much as we do—more, probably. At least we've only got school to worry about."
Lily regarded him keenly for a moment. Yeah, that's right, you be impressed. Sirius Black, sage of the school, he thought, with just the teensiest hint of pride. But, much to his disappointment, she didn't compliment him on his wise words and instead pushed onwards. "Well now, that actually raises another issue: this war."
"Yep, we're all going to die. Nice thought isn't it? 'Cept you and Prongs of course, you'll both live to be a hundred and twenty and have nineteen sprogs."
She flinched at that. "Please. Don't. It's not…look I'm not stupid. I know we could die at any point and I… I plan on fighting, so it's almost certain one of us might. But still, is it right to get married just because we don't know how long we'll have together?"
"Evans, if there's one thing you're not, it's desperate. I admit, going out with Prongs might make anyone think you were, but-"
"Oh Sirius, please just listen! It's just that- at times everything seems so clear. And sometimes that's because I know we could all die, and for some reason I can accept that and know that, despite everything, I'd still want to be with him even if there wasn't a war going on. If we were just staying here, at Hogwarts, forever. But then at other times… look, if I were a Muggle I'd probably be worrying about what university I wanted to attend. I wouldn't be thinking about getting killed, and certainly not about getting married. And then I wonder if that's it, if this is all circumstance and if I were in a different place-"
"If ifs and ands were pots and pans, there'd be no need for tinkers," Sirius shrugged. "It's just something Moony says a lot. Not sure what it means, but of course it all comes down to ifs. Even if you were a Muggle, there'd still be ifs; they'd just be a lot less exciting."
"Ugh, I suppose you're right." Lily flopped back on the grass and covered her eyes with her hands. "Aaaggghh. Everything's so muddled I don't even know how to describe it! Why can't this just be easy?"
"Really? All this bloody sobbing and you're telling me you wanted an easy answer?"
She scowled and threw another handful of grass into the air. "Well, then, what's your verdict? What do you advise?"
Sirius thought for a moment. Then he got to his feet. "Come on. It's bloody baltic. Let's get out of the cold."
"What? Black!"
But he was already away, clambering up the slope on all fours like some kind of strange lopsided wolfhound. Lily dithered for a moment and then, swearing to herself, picked up her belongings and followed. Catching up with him at the entrance to the covered walkway, she paused for breath before repeating her question. "Well? What do you think I should do?"
"Well, I have a very simple plan. And I'm going to give you until we get to the end of the bridge to decide whether you're going to do it, or go back to that iceberg and channel your inner Elvira Hagg-"
"-Elfrida Clagg-"
"-whatever. Anyway, now that you've got everything out of your system, you need to have a chat with James."
Lily stopped dead. "What—no! Black, did you not hear anything I've just said?"
"Yes I did. Come on Evans, even I know everything's much easier if you just communicate."
"Yes but what if-"
"What if, what? I don't mean that you have to talk to him about getting married. But I think you need to explain to him that this isn't his fault, and that you need some time alone to think about it. Stop him testing his ability to fly without a broomstick." He strode ahead, calling back to her as he went. "And even if you don't, I'm freezing my sodding balls off!"
It took about ten seconds for Evans to make up her mind. Sirius couldn't help but smirk as her footsteps thundered behind him.
"Alright Black, you win. I'll talk to him. But are you really sure- -all the stuff you've said about instinct and maturity- -are you really sure that's what you think?"
"Hell if I know. Probably; somewhere deep down. Bit to the left of last night's treacle tart, I think, and then turn right by the pumpkin pasties. But like I said, I don't expect you to kiss the hem of his robes and vow to be his forever and ever. If you want to wait and see if you'll make a breakthrough by being rational, that's your choice. Just don't keep him waiting forever."
"No, of course, you're perfectly right. Sensible, Lily, be sensible." She paused just as they were about to enter the shade of the cloisters once again. The last of the clouds had departed, and the glen shone brighter than polished glass. "But Black?"
"Yes, Evans?"
"If he were to propose, what do you think I should do? Personally."
Sirius took back the scarf she offered him, and promptly wrapped it around his neck, glad that his teeth had finally stopped chattering. For an instant there was a struggle, a part of him trying to retain the last piece of his former monopoly over his best friend. Fleetingly, he was able to convince himself that, even if it took time, Prongs would eventually get over Lily and it'd be like the old days again. But then, that had been when they were young. In this adult world, they needed all the friends they could get and Evans wasn't so bad really.
After a moment, he spoke. "Suppose I'd have to give up our beautiful dream of the greatest bachelor pad known to man. But it'd make all of Prongsie's other dreams come true, so it probably wouldn't be so bad after all. Yeah, I'd go for it. But only if you let me be best man."
"Fine," Evans laughed, noticeably brighter. Sirius actually felt a little bit proud of himself. "You know Black, I might be starting to trust your opinion."
"What? No! Really? Who are you and what have you done with Evans?"
"Only your opinion!"
"Well, can't say fairer than that." For once he even allowed her a genuine smile as they made their way indoors. Then, feeling unnaturally charitable, he asked politely, "Got any more of MacDonald's facts you'd like to share?"
Evans considered the question seriously for a moment before beginning to giggle uncontrollably. "Well there was that time when Alberic Grunnion caused so much trouble in his Arithmancy class that the professor suspended him upside-down from the window for the rest of the lesson…"
"Blimey, that's seven floors up! Reckon I'll have trouble following in his footsteps, eh?"
Three hours later, and still trying to warm himself up by the fire, Sirius was congratulating himself on a job well done. Though Remus had soon abandoned him, claiming he had a patrol, and Peter's 'interested' face had long since ceased to be convincing, he still believed that his good work deserved a pat on the back; he was quite happy to recount his achievement, in detail, to anyone in the Common Room willing to listen.
That is, until something small and hard pinged off the back of his neck. And then again. The third caught his ear and the fourth found its way down his back. Before he knew what was happening, he was being attacked mercilessly by what appeared to be flying dog biscuits. Flapping his arms and shouting obscenities at them made no difference (it rarely did, and only shocked some of the more innocent first years). Instead, they continued to pelt him brutally on the head and shoulders until he turned, yelping and begging for mercy, ears smarting from the sustained assault.
An extremely flushed Lily Evans stood before him, biscuit raised menacingly and a dangerous glint in her eye.
"Find out on my wedding night, will I?" she barked indignantly. "Padfoot?! Really?" She threatened him once more with the biscuit. "Dear Merlin, your face! Oh it really is a beautiful day!"
Then, quite alarmingly, she dissolved into laughter, leaving Sirius bewildered and almost concerned… until he caught the sparkle of a crystal-clear sapphire, glittering brilliantly on her left hand as she handed him a small phial of thick, mud-like potion. "Last day of term only."
And then, to everyone's astonishment, Sirius too threw back his head and roared with laughter.
It really was a beautiful day.
.
Hi! If you've got this far then thank you for reading my story and I hope you enjoyed it. It would be very kind of you to review and help me improve, but no pressure :)
Also, thank you to Falling Thunderbolt for beta-ing this, I'm not sure how to express my gratitude so I'll settle for just saying thank you loads of times and that might work.
Fic title and the quote at the beginning from "On a Clear Day", from the musical film of 1970 starring Barbara Streisand.