Disclaimer: No one on fanfiction owns 'The Simpsons', including me.
I felt like revising the story. Chapter 2 is currently being rewritten. It'll be up in about a week (hopefully).
Chapter One
"America's Most Smartest Kid Contest" is held in Springfield (even the Lord doesn't know why) and the first place prize is $1000 and a shiny trophy. Kids from all over the U.S. are absolutely thrilled about the competition; but unfortunately they will not be able to compete. The chartered plane carrying these geniuses plummeted into a pillow factory because smog from Homer's socks had temporarily obstructed visibility and caused technological difficulties among the plane's equipment (and they say machines can't smell!). The kids, pilot, and stewardesses are recovering nicely.
Back at the studio of "America's Most Smartest Kid Contest," Regis Philbin, host of the contest, is on the verge of having a heart attack. Apparently they were going to air with the only the local kids (Philbin had recently met Ralph Wiggum who had wet himself when he hugged Philbin).
"This is not good. No, no, come on, Philbin! You can do this! You can do anything! Grrrrrawwwlll… (here Philbin starts to jog in a circle, humming the theme song from the boxing movie, Rocky)."
Lisa Simpson, who had registered for the contest, was observing Philbin from the contestants' waiting hall. All of the contestants were watching him actually: Nelson, Milhouse, an orphan girl named Penny, Martin, and 3 of Martin's friends who I will not name or bother describing because I want them to lose.
"He seems a little unstable…" Lisa says nervously, watching Philbin now attack a cameraman.
"Of course he's unstable, he saw your face, didn't he?"
"Bart, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be seated in the audience?"
"And suffer through Martin's family doing their mathematical cheers? I'd rather kiss Aunt Selma. Now if you excuse me, I have me mischief to do," Bart rubs his hands together menacingly and begins to head backstage, but turns around to give his sis a thumbs up sign, "Good Luck!"
Martin's family cheers in the background, "Hexagons, Trapezoids, Logarithms of e. Martin shines brilliantly!"
Lisa laughs and casts a look over at Martin, who only glares at her behind his So You Want to Eliminate a Contestant to Better your Chances at Winning book. She sighs and closes her eyes, going over the endless facts she has accumulated in her mind since birth.
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The show starts. Regis comes out smiling, a couple of his teeth are missing and he has some newly acquired bald patches of hair (that cameraman was a feisty one), "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to "America's Most Smartest Kid Contest!" The contestants are all standing behind their own individual podiums, complete with their very own writing tablet and marker (wow, that's exciting!)
Regis starts off with an easy question, "What is the capital of Finland?"
Everyone reveals what they have written on their tablet when Regis says, "Bonanza!"
"Bonanza! Ok, Lisa, let's start with you, 'Helsinki' –Correct! 'Helsinki' for Penny, Martin, and Martin's friend #1 –Congratulations, you guys go on to round 2 with Lisa! Milhouse, er… I'm sorry, but 'Monty Python's Spamalot' is not the answer. You get to go home… and get away from these insufferable children," mutters Philbin (thinking of Ralph Wiggum).
"What was that?" asks Milhouse.
"What? I said you can get away to Intra Muffinable Milhum! That's Inchamergermanrussanese for …. Just get off the stage, Milhouse."
Milhouse hangs his head and blows a kiss to Lisa before leaving the stage, "Don't worry, my sweet, I'll be smart for you yet!"
Lisa shudders, "Ewwww…"
Philbin shifts his attention to Martin's friend #2 and Martin's friend #3, "Helsinki, that's correct! Ok, Nelson, let's see your answer. 'I.C.U.P.'? Incorrect, please get off the stage. It's been great having you on 'AMSKC', stay classy –especially as you leave the studio. There are security cameras."
Nelson walks over to Philbin and punches him in the stomach. "Haha, you said you saw me pee." And walks off.
The show continues, question after question, eventually Martin's friend #1, #2, and #3 lose. It's only Martin, Penny, and Lisa left.
"Ok," Philbin says, "What is the master gland? …Now contestants, I want you show the audience your tablet and say your answer aloud when I call your name. Frankly, I'm getting tired of reading them myself."
Philbin yawns, "Ok, Martin, Bonanza."
Martin proudly displays his tablet with his answer neatly printed in rather girlish penmanship. "World Domination!" cackles Martin in a surprisingly sinister voice.
Philbin, the other two contestants, and the audience stare at him.
"I'm sorry, son; but I think you misheard me. I said master gland. I think you have it confused with master plan," says a thoroughly disturbed Philbin. Boy, kids from this town are weird, thinks Philbin.
"Oh…" Martin stops cackling and resumes to his old sweet voice, "Silly me. I'll be going now." And skips off the stage, bowing to the audience, and sweating profusely.
"Ok…" Philbin continues, "The correct answer is the pituitary gland. Well, by looking at your tablets, Lisa and Penny, you two have hit the hammer on the head. Congratulations for making it this far to the …LIGHTNING ROUND! Yes, you two will be each given a buzzard. Whoever answers the next question correctly wins the title of 'America's Most Smartest Kid'! But, of course, you must be the first to push the buzzard in order to answer. Let's get started."
Lisa looks over at Penny, who smiles at her. The final question, Lisa thinks, depends on my hand-eye coordination! Oh man, I wish I played more sports and video games –I can't believe I just thought that. I wonder if she has good hand-eye coordination. Do they have video games at the orphanage? No, no, of course not. Silly me, they have coloring books from the 99 cent store for history books. Hey, wait a minute…
Lisa's thoughts were abruptly interrupted by Philbin asking the final question, "The final question is a two part dealy. Ok. For all the marbles, Lincoln's Gettysburg Address was given on what date? Then recite the Gettysburg Address."
I know that!
BUZZ
Lisa's hand drops, along with her hopes, as Penny declares, "November 19, 1863" and begins to recite the Gettysburg Address. The crowd cheers, balloons and confetti float through the air as Lisa stands there listlessly.
I can't believe I lost…
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Lisa had received a gift basket from AMSKC for landing second place. It was a lovely basket with fruits, gift cards, and a framed picture of pre-camerman attack Regis Philbin; but it only served to make Lisa feel worse. She was currently in her room, sitting atop her bed with her arms crossed and a sour look on her face.
I don't understand it. She's –She can't be smarter than me. Me! How could she? This doesn't make any sense…
Just then, Lisa heard a soft tap on her door.
"Come in"
Marge enters with a cup of hot cocoa and hands it to Lisa, "Thought it'll make you feel better."
"Thanks, Mom." Lisa sips the cup as Marge sits on the bed.
"There will be other competitions, sweetheart… "
"But I knew the winning answer to this one. Me. I'm the superbly talented, amazingly intelligent second grader. I'm the reason Springfield Elementary has its funding. Sure, I guess Martin and his friends account for some of that too, but it's mostly me. Outstanding marks, straight A's, shiny star stickers on my homework –doesn't that count for anything! …I'm supposed to be Springfield's little miss genius, not her" grumbled Lisa.
"Lisa, you know it's not nice to be jealous of other people's accomplishments. Yes, sweetheart, you are smart, and a maybe tad bit bigheaded about your intelligence; but there's always going to be someone better than you in everything you try. You're just going to have to accept that that girl beat you, and try harder next time."
"Ha, she didn't beat me. There's something fishy about all this. I think she cheated, Mom. The orphana-" Lisa was abruptly cut off.
-"Oh Lisa," said Marge, getting up, "I'm ashamed of you! That poor girl probably studied her heart out for this. She doesn't have much in her life –no family, no money. And you still want to take away her only happiness. She won this competition, Lisa Simpson, fair and square. Did you see her face when Regis said she won? Tears of joy, Lisa, tears of joy. And here, my daughter, sits in her room thinking selfish thoughts about crushing her. My daughter, the egotistical one who can't accept that she's been beaten." Marge walks out, awfully disappointed.
Lisa sighs. That sour expression on her face has been replaced with a guilty one. Lisa thinks, Oh my gosh, I have been egotistical… and jealous.
Excerpts of Marge's speech of disappointment cloud Lisa's mind: "fair and square," "tears of joy," "only happiness."
Penny could be like good Will Hunting, naturally gifted and public library educated. I can't believe I accused her of cheating. Argh, my conscience is going to kill me if I don't do something about this.
Lisa snaps out of her thoughts when she hears Marge clearing her throat. Marge was leaning against Lisa's door frame, "Why don't you go and apologize to her?"
Lisa smiles, hugs her mother, and runs toward the orphanage; excited about clearing and conscience and perhaps gaining a new intellectual friend.
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The orphanage was a dreary place, a creepy 2 story building with peeled paint, cobwebs, and cracks that made up wonder if it was going to collapse soon. The orphanage lot was enclosed inside a crumbling brick fence with an old rusty gate for an entrance. When Lisa got there, the rusty gate was locked with a note attached that said, "Torture Time: Do Not Enter."
That doesn't sound legal, or very nice. Hold on, Penny, I'm coming!
Lisa scales the brick wall and is about to march up to the front door when she hears upbeat swing music coming from one of the orphanage's windows. Curious, Lisa follows the music to its origin: an open window on the second floor, conveniently next to a rather tall oak tree.
Eh, why not? Maybe someone put that "Torture Time" note as a joke. Let's have a looksy, thinks Lisa as she begins climbing the tree.
Once nestled snuggly on a branch, Lisa concentrates her attention on the open window. What she sees astonishes her. Beyond the simple window frame lies an extravagantly decorated room with water fountains, ice sculptures, and fabric wallpaper. There are about a dozen or so waiters, catering food around on silver trays. There were around twenty short people (whether they were kids or midgets, Lisa couldn't tell) dressed in the most expensive and flashy clothes Lisa had ever seen. She didn't recognize anyone, until she heard it. That distinct voice Lisa had heard recite the Gettysburg Address: Penny. Lisa looked over to the corner where the voice was coming from, it was Penny all right, except different. Her face was not longer dirty or sallow, but completely dolled up. Her rags had transformed into a sparking evening gown. And her ratty, matted brown hair was clean and elegantly fixed up atop her head.
Her $1000 prize money couldn't have bought her all of these expensive things, could they?
Lisa sat slack-jawed, realizing that those 20 short people were the once grimy, flea-bitten orphans she had seen around town.
Unbelievable.
Lisa suddenly remembered why she was here. Penny was in hearing distance, so Lisa thought to call out her name to get her attention to apologize, but stopped when her mind had processed what Penny's conversation with her orphan friend was about:
"…working for The Canadian Govt. to spy on the U.S. is so much fun! And they'll never suspect a thing."