Trouble On Heels
by Mizhowlinmad (HBF), 2010
Rating: PG
In response to the TTD "Trouble." Halloween drabble treat; no tricks!
Disclaimer: TAT belongs to Universal. I don't make a penny from this; just doing it for laughs.
xxx
"What do you figure he's doing in there?" Amy Allen asked. She was fidgeting, making last-minute adjustments to her styled hair, tugging at her dress, the kind of things people did when they were forced to wait unexpectedly.
"I'm beginning to wonder." Face looked at himself again in the mirror. The outfit wasn't his first, or even third, choice in costumes (he'd all but begged to do Bond, with Amy as Plenty O'Toole) but B.A. had vetoed that idea with a single glower.
It was for the kids. He tried to repeat the mantra, but it was still cold comfort. There was no getting around the fact that he looked like an idiot.
The costumes themselves weren't the problem. They were top-quality, scammed a few days ago from the set of the epic motion picture known as Paleo-Zombies vs. the Aquamaniac. It was their coverage, or lack thereof. Even on a warm, late October day in L.A., there was such a thing as decency...and a warm breeze.
Face's tanned, lean legs were on full display…as was most of the rest of him…in his faux leopard-skin caveman outfit. It was basically only a loincloth and a chest strap. Amy was playing his cave-wife for the day, her curvy figure clad in a short print dress and Wilma Flintstone-style rock necklace.
He'd joked that they looked like the richest yuppie cave-couple in history. Beverly Rock Hills, maybe. But the theme of B.A.'s youth center Halloween party was "Stone Age Stomp" this year, and Bond wasn't exactly going to fit. So he'd given in. Sometimes the Big Guy could be amazingly persuasive.
For the kids.
"Face, if Murdock isn't done by now, we're going to be late," Amy reminded him again.
He sighed. The rubber dinosaur costume they'd found for their friend to wear was similar to that of the Aquamaniac, and it wasn't exactly easy to put on. But Murdock had insisted he would be fine, just okey-dokey. That had been half an hour ago.
So Face tapped at the penthouse bathroom door with his foam club. "Murdock? You didn't fall in, did you? You need a hand?"
From inside came the sound of Murdock singing in an oddly high-pitched voice. Through many, many years of experience, as well as his own instinct, Face knew that could only mean trouble.
"Murdock, open this door. I can't exactly kick it in…this isn't my place, remember…"
Before he could threaten any further, the door opened. "What do you think, Faceman? How do I look?" Murdock cooed.
Face, uncharacteristically, was speechless. Amy spoke the words for him.
"Um…Murdock…you're wearing a dress…"
And so he was. It was a salmon-pink satin number, complete with "falsies" in front, a curly wig, and matching high heels. Not only that, it appeared that Murdock had gone through pains to remove his leg and chest hair.
If Face hadn't been so utterly stunned, he might have thought his friend made a halfway decent-looking woman.
"What is this? What happened to the rubber suit? You know, Dino? Mr. Dinosaur?" he finally managed to say after his jaw had returned to its normal position. He was already thinking of how he was going to explain to B.A. that a drag queen was going to be handing out candy to school-age children.
Murdock pursed his painted lips and giggled. "Oh, Face, doncha know cavemen and dinosaurs never actually co-existed? All those cartoons always got it wrong. There's a sixty-five million year gap there. I don't want these little muchachos gettin' the wrong idea about history," he said with a huff.
Amy was trying hard not to laugh. She'd seen Murdock do some strange things, but this took the cake. "So, um, Murdock…who are you supposed to be?" she asked.
"Well, when Faceman called me the other day," he said, delicately putting one hand to his denuded chest, "you know how the phones are at the V.A. They never work right. Always so fuzzy. I was pretty positive he said 'Dinah Shore.' So here I am, buttercup."
"What about the suit? Hannibal and B.A. both think you're gonna be wearing it," Face protested, already knowing it was useless. Murdock's flights of fancy took him places no mortal man could hope to catch him.
"I'll just dazzle those two jack-o-lanterns of love with my feminine charm," Murdock said in a sweet Southern drawl, batting his eyelashes. "And after all, it's Halloween, darling. Time to be someone we're not."
Amy patted Face on the shoulder. "How about, if the kids ask, I just tell them 'Dinah' is my cousin visiting from Phoenix?" she suggested, ever the diplomat.
Face looked at his Rolex, his one accessory that was decidedly not caveman vintage. "Sure. But I blame you if I get in trouble," he warned Murdock.
"Trouble? Whyever would there be trouble?" asked 'Dinah' innocently.
"C'mon, then, we're already late," Face said, picking up the Vette's keys from a table. He'd have a whole twenty minute drive to think of an explanation…and he knew it would have to be a good one.
As they pulled away a few minutes later from the parking garage, Murdock, squeezed uncomfortably into the back, was warbling at the top of his lungs in a high tenor. Something about candy.
Sometimes, having Murdock as his best friend was much more trick than treat, thought Face as he caught a glimpse of him in the rear-view mirror, singing like a lark.
But he wouldn't trade him for all the fun-size Snickers and Mounds in the world.
Now, what the heck am I gonna tell B.A…?
Fini