SPOLIER ALERT- DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ MOCKINGJAY :D
I look through the one-way glass at Peeta as he thrashes around, his head hitting the table, making sickening thuds. A scientist rushes frantically forward with a needle and jabs the silver point into his arm. He is instantly subdued; his legs and arm stop thrashing and his head rolls to the side. His eyes meet mine for a brief moment- though he doesn't know he is looking at me. Or does he? His fists stay clenched, even after his eyelids drop and he sinks out of consciousness.
What do you do when you're stuck,
'Cause the one that you love,
Has pushed you away,
And you can't deal with the pain,
In that brief moment that his eyes meet mine, thousands of emotions run through me like water. I see the old Peeta in his eyes- the Peeta that loved me for reasons that are still beyond my understanding. I see the new Peeta- the mutt that wants nothing more in the world than my blood. But I see another Peeta- a scared, confused boy, with jumbled up thoughts not making any sense and false images running riot in his mind.
I feel someone's hands on my shoulders, pulling me gently away from the mirror.
"Come on." Gale takes my hand and pulls me away.
And now you're trying to fix me,
Mend what he did,
I'll find the piece that I'm missing,
Gale takes me to my hiding spot in the classroom cupboard. I look at him questioningly and he laughs. Of course he knows where I go to hide- he knows everything about me. He pushes me gently into the cupboard and ducks in after me.
We curl up in a corner. I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes, trying to get the image of Peeta's eyes out of my mind.
"You have to let him go." Gale half whispers, his voice gentle, as if he's afraid he will hurt me. But I can't be more hurt than I am now.
"I know. But I can't."
But I still miss him,
I miss him, I'm missing him,
Oh I miss him, I miss him, I'm missing him
I've lost Peeta forever. I know I have. It's just one more thing that the Capitol has taken from me. Anger floods through me and without thinking, I draw my hand back and punch the nearest thing to me. Of course, that's Gale.
"Ow!" He rubs his arm defensively- I can just make out his confused expression in the small crack of light filtering through the crack where the cupboard doors meet.
"Sorry." I whisper back. "I just…"
I'm cut off as I feel Gale's lips on mine. I should have expected it really. I don't pull away but I don't kiss him back either. The only thing I can think about is that last kiss with Peeta in the arena- the one that made me stir inside, unlike all the other fake displays of affection in front of the cameras. The only kiss that has ever had an affect on me, like nothing I have ever felt with Gale. When I think about that kiss, I know that I love Peeta.
And I know that Gale loves me.
And you're sitting in the front row;
Wanna be first in line,
This is what Gale has been waiting for- for Peeta not to be an option for me. I suppose it would have been easier. But not like this. No one would ever want this. Peeta is the sweetest, kindest person I've met in my life. He always sees the good in people. He's gentle and kind. Now that's been taken away.
Yes, I have Gale to look after me. And I know that he would be perfect… as a friend, maybe more. I know we could have made a life together. But I can't even look at him without thinking about Peeta.
Waiting by my window,
Giving me all your time,
Gale is always here for me. I know if I ever needed anything, he'd run to my aid. But then again, so would Peeta. Every move he made in the arena was to protect me. But I know that Gale would have done the same if he were in the arena with me. They both love me, and I'm being torn both ways.
I should be happy- now the choice has been taken out of my hands. Peeta no longer loves me, and never will again. I can finally let go. I should be able to finally let go, after all this time pretending in front of the cameras.
You could be my hero,
If only I could let go,
But of course, I can't. Because I know that deep down inside, I wasn't pretending. I try and tell myself that it was all for the Capitol, to get sponsors during those first games. And then to stop them hurting my family, and then to get sponsors again. Every time I thought the pretending was over, we were forced into it again. It became routine- he'd even slept with me at night, when we weren't being watched. And those nights on the train… and people implying that more happened than actually did. All of this haunts me, and I can't let go.
But his love is still in me,
Like a broken arrow.
Like a broken arrow.
Gale's lips are still on mine, trying to get me to respond in some way. I pull away. I know he just wants to comfort me- but not like this. It's too painful.
I open the door to let light in and check my schedule. I should have weaponry. Gale follows my gaze and laughs half-heartedly.
"Don't tell me you're actually going to start following that thing…" He nudges me playfully. "Wouldn't you rather stay here?"
I shrug. Truthfully, I want to get my hands on a weapon and let some of my anger out- it's dangerous me being next to Gale when I feel so fragile. I can see a bruise on his arm where I have just punched him. Muttering a final apology, I hoist myself to my feet and take off.
He's the thorn in my flesh
That I can't take out
I kick the doors open, flashing the guards my schedule and heading straight to the archery sector. I grab my usual bow and arrows and start hitting targets. One by one, I pick them off. Venting all of my anger to the tips of my fingers, pulled taught against the wire, then letting it go with a ping, the arrows carrying each of my worries away. But as soon as they hit the target, they come flying back. It is only a temporary reprieve.
He's stealing my breath
When you're around,
Now I'm alone, not with Gale, I don't feel guilty thinking about Peeta. It hurts- every thought of him in that mirrored cell pierces me inside. But I can't stop thinking about him. I try and think of our good memories- but they all merge into one ugly image of him shackled and thrashing around, screaming hate at me.
And now you're trying to convince me,
He wasn't worth it,
But you can't complete me,
It would be easier for Gale if I let Peeta go. We could be together. I stop shooting for a second and think of that. Me and Gale, together… the thought leaves me empty. It doesn't fill me with dread, or happiness, or sorrow. Nothing. I shoot another arrow. Then I think what it would have been like if I had married Peeta. When it had been first put to me, I hated the idea- being forced to marry someone to save my family. But would spending the rest of my life with Peeta really be that bad?
He's the thought that is missing,
I miss him, I'm missing him,
No, it wouldn't. And I hate myself for not realising that sooner. It took the Capitol turning him into a bloodthirsty mute and sending him back to kill me for me to realise that a life with Peeta wouldn't be at all bad.
And now he's gone, and I'll never be able to have the life that was so close to me a few months ago.
Oh I miss him, I miss him,
I'm missing him,
I'd give anything to go back a few months, and cherish the moments I had left with him. I'd even go back to the Games, to spend time with him- especially that last night on the beach…
And you're standing in the front row;
Wanna be first in line,
I start shooting again. I conjure up every living memory I have of Peeta, starting with the bread. And I let them go with each arrow. Then I try to think of Gale, and how lucky I am to have someone as great as him.
Waiting by my window,
Giving me all your time,
"He is amazing!" I almost shout it out loud. Instead it comes out as a strangled whisper. A few of the other soldiers look curiously my way, but when they see the metal bracelet resembling a hand cuff round my wrist, they look away quickly, not wanting to get caught up with someone who is 'mentally disorientated'. I start talking to myself about how wonderful Gale is. How I should be able to let go of Peeta and accept Gale.
You could be my hero,
If only I could let go,
That would be easy, if Peeta wasn't just as equally amazing.
Why did he have to make it so hard for me to let go? His plan in the Quarter Quell was to let me win. Did he think I'd be able to carry on my life normally after he died? This is almost worse. No, it's definitely worse. The real Peeta is dead. They've left a horrible replica in his place, so I still have to see the old Peeta without him really being here.
But his love is still in me,
Live a broken arrow,
Like a broken arrow.
I keep shooting. It's the only thing that keeps me focused. Keep shooting. I imagine the targets are Snow's face. Kill him. I let go of another arrow and the string flies back. Ping! Kill him. Ping! For what he did to Peeta. Ping! And all those other people. Ping! Die. I satisfy myself by imagining his face there. The sensation becomes so real; I can actually see him, his puffy lips making the perfect target. Make him taste blood for real.
What do you do
When your hearts in two places?
You feel blind but you're torn inside.
I feel so sorry for Gale. I'd never tell him that- he'd hate Peeta even more. And he'd hate himself for not getting to me before Peeta did. But it's not that I don't love Gale. I do. But not in the same way that I love Peeta.
You feel love but you just can't embrace it,
When you found the right one at the wrong time.
I hear movement behind me and know instantly it's Gale. I am so familiar with him I recognise even the sound of his footsteps.
And you're
Standing in the front row,
Wanna be first in line,
Why does he have to make this so hard for me? I could let Peeta go if I had no one else to go to. But if I'm with Gale, the way he acts just reminds me of Peeta.
Waiting by my window,
Giving me all your time,
He's always here for me. But so was Peeta.
You could be my hero,
If only I could let go,
His hands rest on my shoulders and release some of the tension sitting there. But some remains. He prises the bow out of my hands so I have nothing to shoot with. The remaining tension is in the arrow clenched in my fists, and my quivering hands unwillingly snap it in half.
But his love is still in me,
Like a broken arrow.
I stare at the remains of the arrow shaking in my trembling grasp. This arrow represents my Peeta- the Peeta that was taken away from me.
He is gone, but he'll never leave me, not ever.
A single tear rolls down my cheek as I throw the two halves of the arrow on the floor and run out, leaving Gale and Peeta behind me.
Like a broken arrow...