- Present -

There was a time when Lawliet's drinking had no rhyme or reason - it simply happened as a case came to a close or as one grew particularly stale. Sometimes it was the insomnia that finally got the best of him, and he'd convince himself that a few glasses of wine was the solution to his sleep deprivation. Now, if anything, it was caused by Light Yagami.

No matter how many flutes of Merlot went down his throat, he couldn't rid the vague taste of apples and death from his tongue. Those poisonous kisses hadn't been planned, but it was impossible to take them back, and now he was in far too deep to pretend as though it hadn't happened. Their embrace had been his anesthetic, and now it would surely be his demise, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do to stop it.

How it all came about… well, that didn't really matter anymore, did it?

The detective shook his head, as though it would somehow rid his mind of such troublesome thoughts, but it only succeeded in making him dizzy. "Damn it, Light-kun," he growled under his breathe, though it wasn't like the younger male could hear him. He wasn't even really sure where Light was at the moment. After the confessions… it had seemed so inappropriate to remain handcuffed to the honors student.

"I love you!"

"You can't love me - I'm Kira!"

The words still echoed in L's head, no matter how hard he tried to banish them. He had known all along that the object of his growing affections was a mass-murderer, and yet he'd let himself fall, let himself live in this warped reality in which he desperately hoped to be proven wrong. To be proven right… to have Light confess to his crimes… it destroyed those illusions. L had always thought that, when this day came, his love would be shattered into hatred from knowing that his lover was nothing more than a criminal with a god-complex. The problem was that it hadn't - his heart still beat the same way it always had, no matter what new knowledge was presented to it.

His own emotions weren't even the worst of the matter, thinking about it… The worst part was that he sincerely believed that Light, in turn, loved him as well. In a different time, a different place, maybe things would have been… well, different. In this case, however, L was the lovesick detective and Light was the determined criminal, and in this set of circumstances, they both knew how it would end.

"I'm going to die," the voice didn't even resemble his usual monotone one as he practically snorted at the prospect of death, leaning back in his chair as those knees pulled closer to his chest, "I'm going to fucking die!" Such crude language.. it wasn't like the detective… but neither was going through two bottles of wine in one sitting whilst imagining how a heart-attack might feel. Tch, what Kira would have said if he saw his opponent just now…

He had a confession, he had the means to lock Light up where he couldn't cause harm (even if he couldn't be sent to prison just yet), but no matter how hard he tried, Lawliet couldn't pull the metaphorical trigger.

Surely Watari had noticed his strange behavior, how he no longer cared about the Kira Investigation, how he distanced himself from the Task Force and spent long hours in his apartment, drinking and sulking… The elderly man never said a word, though, and L wasn't inclined to explain. Death was an occupational hazard, and if he had to die… maybe death at the hands of a loved one wouldn't be so bad. Maybe - he'd always hated that word.

Another sip, another sigh.

"I'm going to fucking die."