There was a soft, constant downbeat of rain outside the window. A light patter, not enough to break him from sleep, but enough for him to just know that it was raining. He felt warm, safe; the atmosphere quiet otherwise. Nothing else was there to disturb him, but despite that it was just time for him to wake up. He was reluctant, curling tighter for just a moment, hand clutching at the covers. Slowly, though, his eyes opened. Haze covered them at first, a few blinks before the room came into focus. He didn't sit up, just laid there still, head on the pillow as he surveyed his surroundings.
It was then that he jolted upwards, hand stretching out to the spot opposite him. It was empty. But this was not his house.
This home was large, too large for just him to live in. Too large for even the meager residents that lived in it already. Suddenly that warm feeling just vanished as the tips of his fingers smoothed along the pillow on the other side. Perfect. No creases. The spot was as cold as he was suddenly feeling. His hand drew in, clenching slightly.
It wasn't strange for him, not even uncommon, for him to wake up alone. He wasn't cared well for, he was. But something about realizing just how alone he felt this morning had a very sinking feeling burn in his chest. Looking around the room, everything was neat- save for his clothes which were scattered along the floor. The maid hadn't come in. She wouldn't. Not until he got up. As usual, she knew better. But Kaiba's clothes were missing, and everything else was back in its place. The brunet had left and gone to work.
His eyes lowered, knees rising as he laid his head upon the covers over them. A mess of black, blonde and maroon swathed together over the blue covers. A deep, very heavy sigh escaped him.
Staying stationary like that his eyes moved over the room again, that empty feeling spreading from his chest out into his entire body. The ceilings in the mansion were high, creating an even deeper feeling of loneliness. His palace had had high ceilings too. It had felt lonely just like this. The only thing that had been different was that he really had been alone in that time- ...
No, no he hadn't. Where had that though come from? He'd had friends, and his parents, while alive, loved him every minute of the day. Something was clawing at him. But he hadn't been alone. That was a wrong thing to be thinking. That wasn't fact. And yet as he sat naked in Seto's bedroom, alone, underneath the covers, it was all he could think to be true. Those high ceilings of his palace had made him feel so alone every night. Staring up at them as he waited for sleep, just as he was staring up at them now. But what was he waiting for?
Kaiba wasn't going to come back for a very long time, if he was even lucky. Sometimes the man would work straight for two days. But sometimes the CEO would come home nightly, again if his luck was played that way. So he was waiting for Seto? The thought made the feeling grow. Waiting on Kaiba Seto...
It wasn't Seto's fault. He ran a multi-billion dollar company. Atem wasn't mad. He was just-
There was a spark of suddenness that clashed with the drowning in his chest. He leaned over to the side table, opening one of the drawers. A pen and pad of small paper was produced. He sat back in bed, drawing the pen to the paper, but nothing came of it. So he pulled the pen back.
Quite a few more times he repeated this, placing the tip of the pen to the white paper, creating indents and small spots on the surface. But he withdrew every time. What kind of message was he trying to leave here? Why? They had phones now, text messaging. If it was something entirely important, he could just call Seto. Even while busy, he'd get the message. But this had to be done now, and he needed to leave. He just needed to say something. Something to explain his mood, something to help him, something to come.
Eventually the pen came down on the pad of paper again, crimson eyes glassing over for a reason he couldn't quite explain. That cold ache in his chest was twisting tighter as the lines of his kanji were placed neatly along. It wasn't a very long letter, not even a letter. Just more like a complimentary goodbye-
...goodbye. Was that what this was? A hand came up to wipe at his eyes, not sure why he was crying, not sure why he was feeling this way, not sure why he needed to get out so badly. Get away from this loneliness, this large house, this ache. Could he outrun it? He would have to see.
The paper was ripped from the others, carefully folded. What was written on it kept echoing in his head, making him feel worse. He got dressed quickly enough, not bothering to take a sweater from the closet to hide the marks or keep warm in the rain, not bothering to fix his mess of hair. None of it mattered. He needed to get out, he needed to leave. The door was opened as he walked down the hall. And suddenly he found it very strange that while he was trying to run he was so very slow. His steps were heavy and he was without energy. That feeling kept gnawing at him, spreading to his entire body, weighing him down.
A note was pressed into the head maid's hand as she was dusting at the end of the hall. No words were passed. He left. Out into the rain. He needed to go.
The woman looked at the note, watched him go, and frowned. It couldn't hurt if she just looked. If something bad had happened then she would at least be able to call her employer. But what she found was not what she was expecting. And suddenly that ache that had been inside Atem grew in her.
"Sorry?" A gruff voice read aloud as blue eyes skimmed the paper. Kaiba didn't quite understand it. Why would Atem leave him that? What purpose did it serve? Sorry for what? It wasn't as if he expected his shorter lover to stay in the house all day. The CEO had arrived home at one in the morning. But sorry? He looked back at the woman. "What happened when he gave this to you?"
She looked away, even when she knew better. "He wasn't dressed for the weather; he looked like he had just gotten up. He looked..."
Kaiba's patience had grown very short, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. "Spit it out."
"Sad."
The expression on the brunet's face moved to complete confusion. It was almost like he'd never heard that word before, like it didn't exist to him, like he didn't understand it. Sad? Atem? What for? What reason? There was none. None at all. He raised the note again. Sorry? Sad? Why any of this? Had he done something wrong?
So suddenly that ache had passed to a third person as Kaiba mulled over the possibility that he'd hurt Atem somehow. He couldn't recall saying anything truly scathing to him the night previous. Nothing out of the normal had happened. So what cause did Atem have to do this? To behave this way? He couldn't figure it out and it pissed him off.
"He's not here." Obviously, and it wasn't even a question. But the maid nodded anyway. The coat was pulled back over his shoulders. He was going back to work then. No reason to be home. He'd deal with it later, the note shoved into his pocket. He didn't go actively seeking out his smaller lover. No. Whatever Atem's problem was he could get over it on his own. As far as the CEO was concerned, he'd done nothing wrong- because he hadn't. So he wouldn't go crawling back to Atem for anything.
Even these thoughts didn't protect him, that feeling in his chest growing.
Two weeks and some days later hardened cerulean eyes were glaring up at soft violet. Yuugi was standing in his office. He hadn't bothered going home for anything more than a shower. Atem hadn't come back. He was frustrated beyond all belief. Tired. Upset. But none of that mattered.
"What do you want?" His voice was rough, like his emotions.
Yuugi frowned. "Our deliveries have been consistently later and later. I was wondering if you could talk to the drivers. Usually it isn't a problem, but with the new releases, when they're late it throws off the customers."
If he were in any better mood he might have smirked. Due to his lousy mood, and Yuugi being wholly related to Atem (At least to him, they could have been god damn clones for all he knew (that wasn't true either. He could tell them apart easily, he always could), so bothering Yuugi was just as good as bothering Atem) he'd delayed the drivers on purpose. If it upset Yuugi enough, perhaps it might have drawn Atem back in here to yell at him. But now that he was faced with the meek man he could see that plan hadn't worked right. "I'll see what I can do about it."
Yuugi nodded, smiling softly, but there was a deep sadness behind it. Slowly he turned, intending to leave, but he turned back. "How is Atem doing?"
The question struck Kaiba by complete surprise, though none of it showed clear on his face. Maybe just annoyance. "Why would you ask me?"
"When he's out of touch for such a long time... it's usually because he's busy with you. I don't want to intrude. I was just wondering." Saying this was awkward. Yuugi really wanted Atem to be happy, to live a normal life while he had his time here. Kaiba made him happy. So that made Yuugi happy for him, even if this long period of silence had been excruciating.
Kaiba leaned back in his desk, eyes drawing away from Yuugi's. Out of touch? Where the hell had the man been? If not with Yuugi... "I don't know." Why lie? He wasn't in the business of making people feel better.
Yuugi looked hurt. "What does that-"
"I said I don't know. I haven't heard from him either."
Something in that small, gentle face of the young man's turned hard. "And you didn't even call him?" His words were angry. He was worried, and Atem's supposed boyfriend, or whatever they were calling each other, hadn't even checked on him once?
"Did you?"
Yuugi nodded firmly. "Yes but he doesn't answer." He thought Atem was at Kaiba's so it had made sense at the time...
Almost like he'd won a point, the brunet smirked. "So if he isn't answering for you, why would he pick up the phone for me?"
"That's not the point! You didn't even think to call once?" So, so angry with the man he used to call his rival. That he used to call his friend.
Kaiba didn't take well to being yelled at, especially not by this person. He stood up, palms bracing the desk as he leaned over it. "Get out."
A very tight noise of annoyance left the shorter as he turned around. Fighting with Kaiba was pointless, especially when he was already worked up. It never panned out right, even when he was in a good mood. So he knew when to pick his battles. And he knew that now that Kaiba was aware just how out of touch Atem had been... the man would go to him. He knew it. The CEO would. He just had to. So he would leave it at that for now, despite the worry. Kaiba would go. And maybe Atem had just really been busy with something else. Maybe.
Seto sat back in his chair, turning to gaze down at the streets of Domino. It was raining today. Just like the morning Atem left. His hand moved back to open the drawer of his desk without even looking, he reached inside picking up the, by now, crumpled note.
Sorry.
"You will be." Kaiba promised to him.
It took only an hour to set things straight at Kaiba Corporation. Then he'd left on a straight course to Atem's apartment. It was locked, of course. No matter how many times he knocked there was no answer. But of course he wasn't going to leave it at that. He'd come over here to confront the other, and that was what he was going to do. Reaching into his pockets, he found some spare metal from some left over project. It was quickly straightened and inserted into the keyhole of the door. It didn't take long to trip the tumblers and open the door.
Something was wrong, he noticed, as he moved inside. Atem's apartment was normally impeccably clean. It still was but... something about this sort of clean was off. It wasn't like it had been cleaned, just that nothing had been touched. There was a dank feeling here, and it was wrong.
The answering machine (dated thing as it was. But Atem wanted one, and it had been hard to find, too) was blinking with several missed calls and messages. All from Yuugi, probably. He grimaced at it. How dare that short little annoyance get angry with him over this? Atem was a grown man. He could take care of himself.
The tall CEO strayed into the apartment further. Still that weird feeling of disuse. The bedroom door was open slightly, the entire room dark. The shades were drawn and the light wasn't on. He stepped in there, eying the lump on the bed. His eyes narrowed.
"In bed at this hour? It's two in the afternoon, Atem." This was getting sad. The light was flicked on, but the spot didn't move. He noticed then Atem was turned on his side, curled lightly, hands by his face. Seto approached closer.
"Did you just break into my apartment?" His voice was quiet but somehow still tight. He didn't move to look at the other.
Kaiba stood at the edge of the bed, arms folded across his chest. "You wouldn't answer the door."
"...I didn't even.." He hadn't heard Kaiba knocking. How was that possible?
The brunet frowned. "Get up. You can't lie about all day." Or for two weeks. He hadn't, had he? That was impossible.
Slowly Atem leaned up, the sight shocking and hurting Seto at the same time. His hair was messy, tangled, and greasy. He looked pale. Despite lying in bed for so long, he had bags under his eyes. And his face was hollow, gaunt. He was thinner than he was supposed to be. Kaiba could see it in the way the covers fell over his form. "What's the matter with you?" Atem hadn't been taking care of himself, at all. It ... scared Kaiba.
Crimson eyes were dull, not that they were looking at Seto. He couldn't. "I just haven't been feeling well." Such a light statement for what was gripping him so tightly.
Sick? That made sense, at least. It excused a little bit of all of this. Atem was too proud to call for help. He was too proud to stray in the mansion when he knew he was sick. So the brunet relaxed slightly as he stepped around the bed, going to rest the back of his hand against the man's forehead. Atem pulled away, not quite a knee-jerk reaction, either. Just slow. "Come on now, this is utterly ridiculous. Tell me what's wrong with you so I can get you some medicine." The only favor he would be doing. It wasn't like he was worried or anything. Absolutely not. But there was something odd about that. There had been no fever that he could detect.
"Go away."
"Excuse me?" How dare he.
"I said go away. I can manage on my own."
Kaiba scoffed. "You look like shit. You've been lying around this entire time, haven't you? Pathetic. And you've been ignoring Yuugi's calls too, worrying the hell out of him. When had you fallen so far, Atem? This is utterly ridiculous. You can't possibly be this stupid." Banter. Banter was easy. And it got Atem fired up. He would see his rival back in no time flat.
But those thin shoulders dropped. Atem moved to lie back down. Kaiba couldn't believe what he was seeing. What was worse, he wasn't programmed for compassion. He snarled. "Turning away from me, coward?" His teeth clenched tightly.
That overwhelming crushing feeling inside him chilled him. It made him feel like throwing up. But instead his eyes watered as he curled into himself, drawing the covers up. Kaiba couldn't see him like this. Ever. "Leave me alone." But his voice was meek and tired and Kaiba never took orders. This whole situation was terrible.
Something inside Seto burned with recognition of what this was. But he couldn't. He couldn't believe it. There was no way. And there was no way he was going to coddle the other. He just couldn't. "Get on your damn feet, Atem. This is pathetic!"
No response. Underneath the covers Atem's eyes were shut tight, willing Kaiba silently to just take the hint and leave.
But he wouldn't. This was just making him angrier. He had to do something. Anything. What would make Atem get up?
Slowly he smirked, pointing a finger even if Atem wasn't looking. "I challenge you to a duel!" Yes. It was perfect. As the title holder of King of Games, he couldn't refuse. And his pride as a duelist wouldn't let him either. This was just what Atem needed.
"Go away, Seto."
Blue eyes widened, shoulders dropping from his tight stance. What? Had Atem really just refused?
Something awful was happening here. Something terrible. Not wanting to duel? That... something serious was wrong with Atem.
He reached over, yanking the covers back and pulling at Atem's shoulders, propping him forward. But even then Atem wouldn't look at him. "What sickness have you got that you can't even duel?"
"I never said I was sick."
Kaiba had expected something like that. He knew pride. And it at least showed that Atem wasn't too far gone out of his reach. "You said you weren't feeling well."
"Not sick..."
"Then?"
There was quiet, anxious silence for just a moment. Atem's hands clenched in the covers. He couldn't. "Go away."
"Tell me!" He hadn't realized how desperate he was for an answer. But seeing Atem like this... it scared him. It scared Kaiba Seto. How ridiculous.
"...sad."
Seto's hands left Atem's shoulders, letting him fall back to the bed as he stepped a few paces back. Sad? What kind of bullshit answer was that? Sad? That was stupid! This was stupid! Kaiba's anger grew before he looked back over Atem and it subsided back into chilling fear. He'd laid down again. The man wasn't taking care of himself. He had blocked out the world around him. He wasn't reaching out. He wasn't sad. Atem wasn't sad.
"You're depressed."
"Call it what you like but go awa-"
Finally he sat on the bed, grasping Atem's shoulder, trying to force the other to look at him. "Depressed, you idiot. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain. I can get you pills for that." Easy. So easy. Medicine of the modern age was a wonderful thing.
Atem pulled away, though. "How can you label it so easily, what I feel? How ... that's not right. Go away. I don't want your pills. I don't want your help."
Now that he understood, this was easier to deal with. "Don't be a moron. If you take them you won't feel this way anymore. You can't possibly want to feel like you are."
"Just- just leave me alone!" The tears had slipped so quickly over his lashes. He got up and made a line for the bathroom, shutting and locking the door. Once inside he sank back against it, knees pulled up to his chest.
He'd chased after but been too late. His fist came down against the door. "You can't do this, Atem. You can't hole yourself up in here. You need help." The phrase left an awful sense of distaste in the CEO's mouth. He would never submit to this kind of thing, thankfully. But he expected less of his rival. Not everybody could be Kaiba Seto. Only one person could. So it was alright for Atem.
He crushed tighter into himself. "Go away."
Kaiba felt that desperation again. Atem was going to die if he kept this up. He hadn't been feeding himself, hadn't been taking care of himself. He hadn't even realized how worried Yuugi was, that the younger had called. With how disgustingly inseparable those two were this was becoming all the more serious. But Kaiba couldn't...
His fist clenched tightly, head leaning against the door. "Atem..."
"Leave me alone."
He could hear the other man crying.
Sorry.
Feeling useless like this was entirely new. It stung. It made him feel... sad, the sad Atem thought he was. But that wasn't it. A breath in. A breath out. His lover was wasting away. His lover was depressed. He couldn't say why. It was none of his business why, he didn't even really want to know. He just wanted Atem to get better.
"Please..." A small concession. Seto never asked anything of anyone. Just this once.
The word alone, so quiet from the other side of the door had him hurting all the more. His breathing derailed as the tears overflowed. His chest grew tighter. He laid on the cold tile of the bathroom floor. "I can't-" A stilted breath in. He was hyperventilating. "I can't breathe-"
He felt so small. So alone. The walls were thick, suffocating. Everything was dark. Not even just because he had his eyes shut as he curled into himself. His breathing grew worse. The pain in his chest was becoming more physical as his breathing stopped working right.
"Atem you've got to pull yourself together." Kaiba wouldn't have seen it, but he was paling. He was scared all over again.
"I can't, I can't... Seto... I just..."
A strangled shout as he became more upset.
"This isn't right!"
Seto fell quiet, not sure he wanted to hear any of this or deal with any of it either. This wasn't his job. If anything it was Yuugi's.
"I just want..." Another sunken hiccup in his chest as he continued to hyperventilate.
Anger again. Something he could do better with. "You can't do this. You need to get up. People are waiting on you, counting on you. You can't just waste away in here, damn it."
Silence- except for the crying and the harsh breathing. "I can't."
"You can."
"I don't want to do this anymore."
"That's too bad. You chose to stay here, now stick by it. You're not as alone as you think you are."
Atem finally held his breath. He'd never told Seto that. How could he have known?
"You have all those stupid friend of yours that you keep around. And how dare you think you're so alone when I'm right fucking here!" It was a growl. A very angry growl.
Nothing. Those words didn't help. It wasn't a magical key, there was no secret password. In fact, they made him feel worse. He felt so terribly and utterly in despair. He couldn't do this. He couldn't even breathe. He didn't want to. But slowly his hand reached backwards to twist the lock open.
Kaiba came in immediately, seeing Atem still lying on the floor. He kneeled, something he would never have done otherwise. But usual tactics weren't going to win him the game this time. "Get on your feet."
"Stop."
Another insult of pathetic was quick to come to Kaiba's tongue, but he swallowed it this time. "You're supposed to know when to get help. Denying anything is wrong is my thing. So you stop this. It's time now. You've had enough." As softly as he could manage. It was a saving grace that he had. And he was sure he'd never be this way again. He wasn't suited for it.
But seeing Atem like this burned him. It ached. He hurt. So something needed to be done.
"I can't-"
"Stop saying that. You can. When have you ever given up? Your annoying persistence is known by everyone around. So just this once use it to your own fucking good. On your feet. Let's go."
Those watery eyes turned up finally. "Right now?"
"I said let's go."
He didn't know where they were going or what he was supposed to do. He didn't like feeling this way. He was sure nothing would fix it. He didn't have the energy to fight Kaiba off any longer though. The only thing he really did feel was pathetic for letting Seto see him this way. But it was too late to fix that image. So the best he could do was put a Band-Aid over it for now. His hand found Seto's as he stood up, a little wobbly. The brunet's arm came around his shoulder.
"Don't you ever do this again."
A pained smile came to Atem's lips. Some of the hurt just then fell away. He felt a little lighter. Not all gone, but... Somehow this hardened jerk, this rival of his, had brought some clarity with his special brand of care. "Thank you."
Kaiba rolled his eyes. "Don't thank me. And don't apologize either." He reached into his jacket to pick out that wadded up note, pressing it into Atem's hand. "You're taking it back because I don't want it. I don't want your apology. And I don't want your thanks." He stared expectantly at Atem.
Crimson looked down at that paper he'd had so much trouble writing on. They lifted to Seto's own to see the message there. And it helped. Oh, it helped. No apologies. No thanks. Just him. He leaned up weakly, an arm wrapping around the taller man.
Seto stiffened even though he'd seen it coming from miles away. He didn't do this. Hugging was reserved for Mokuba, and even then it was a strange case. But he let Atem hug him, despite how utterly awkward he felt. And then he felt a shudder against him, and a small wetness against his chest. Atem was crying again. He looked away. Anywhere but down.
Slowly his hand moved up against Atem's back, lightly, half in it. He didn't want this.
Atem clutched tighter, feeling weaker for it. But Seto was there. And he needed someone.
"Stop this now." Kaiba's voice was quiet.
"I can't." He was so sure of it.
"You can and you will."
Silence fell as Atem continued to cry against Kaiba.