The Great Gold Train Robbery
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
BOOM IS PUTTING OUT A DUCKTALES COMIC BOOK! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
I have no doubt they are STILL going to make Launchpad look like a dope, but I'll worry about that later.
"Launchpad! I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel having you fly that shipment of gold for me! I have reason to believe word of my plans to do so have leaked out! Robbers may attack your plane! I'm shipping the gold by train and sending you with a more mundane cargo on the same route, as a red herring!" Mr. McDuck said.
"But won't they attack my plane anyway, thinking I've got the gold aboard?" Launchpad asked.
"You're flying a load of down feathers. It won't take long until any crooks realize you're flying way too light and high to be flying heavy gold." Mr. McDuck said. "but you flying the same route will confuse them long enough to me to get my gold on the train safely."
"Even if a pound of feathers weights MORE than a pound of gold?" I joked.
"Eh? What do you mean?" Mr. McDuck asked.
"You probably know about this better than I do: gold is weighted in troy ounces. a troy pound has only 12 ounces. Feathers are weighed normally, 16 ounces to a pound. So a pound of feathers weighs more than a pound of gold." I said.
"How did YOU know about that?" Mr. McDuck asked.
"I..." I began.
"Read It Someplace." Launchpad finished.
He's used to me giving that answer to that question.
"They don't use troy pounds any more." Mr. McDuck muttered.
"Details, details. It's a joke. Haven't you ever heard the riddle: which weights more, a pound of feathers or a pound of gold? It's a trick question. People usually think the gold weights more because gold is heavy. The answer to that riddle is they weigh the same- only that answer is WRONG." I replied. (1)
So Launchpad flew the load of down feathers. And the gold was loaded onto a safe, and put on board the train. Now, the trouble with changing your mind at the last minute- at least when other people are involved- is: not everybody is on the same page.
Some people still think you are still using the old plan. Some people know you are using the new plan. Some people have gotten the two plans hopelessly muddled. And that's what happened in this case: everybody's wires got crossed.
The gold was originally supposed to be in a safe that locked automatically. You just shut the door and the safe locks. But that safe only had ONE lock on it. For safety, the gold was put in a safe that had to be locked with keys because it had more than one lock.
Gizmoduck was in charge of taking the gold from the Money Bin to the train. Somebody forgot to tell Gizmoduck that THIS safe needed keys to lock properly. Somebody else didn't deliver the keys in time.
Giz put gold in safe, slammed the door and tried to open it. When he couldn't, he thought it was safely locked. Giz was mistaken. THIS safe required keys to lock it properly. If you shut it and turned the knob, it stayed shut...BUT if you pressed down on the button in the middle of the knob while turning the knob, it opened IF it hadn't been locked with keys. (2)
So the train went along its merry way, with the safe full of gold that wasn't locked properly. There was a guard in front of the two locked doors (one in front, one in back) of the train car the gold safe was in.
Now, some crooks were aboard the train intent on picking pockets. and they noticed the armed guard in front of the locked train door. They asked oh so casually about it. And were told there was another guard in front of the opposite door...but nobody knew WHY. The crooks figured there must be something VERY worth stealing in that train car. Naturally, they kept an eye on it.
The locked train car was the caboose, the last car on the train. So the armed guard in front of the rear door felt about as useful as a second hand tube of dinosaur repellent, especially when the train was traveling at full speed. How could anybody get thur "his" door while the train was speeding along and there was an armed guard at a locked door in the front of the train car?
So, when the train stopped because a signal was against it, he abandoned his post, walked along the train past several cars. He did this so the other guard wouldn't know about him leaving his post and therefore couldn't tell on him. He walked into the dining car and used the facilities.
"The next stop is a cargo only stop. They just load and unload cargo there, no passengers are allowed on or off. I can walk back to my post when we stop and nobody will ever know. Or care." He figured.
But the crooks saw the armed guard walk past them. They opened the door between their train car and the next. But instead of entering the next car, they hopped down and ran to the back of the caboose.
The other guard was protecting the front door and that's what he was totally focused on. It wasn't hard for the first guard to sneak past him or for the crooks to sneak past in the opposite direction. As long as they stayed away from the door he was guarding, he noticed nothing.
The crooks, having snuck past the front door guard went to the unguarded back door. They quietly pried the door open and went inside the caboose. They saw the safe and tried to open it. They actually NOTICED the little button in the center of the knob and pressed it while they turned the knob. The door opened. They saw the gold; stared at it a second in shock, then grabbed it and ran.
MEANWHILE, whoever was delivering the keys to the safe to Gizmoduck FINALLY got there.
"Keys? WHAT keys? Nobody told ME the safe needed keys to lock it! I was told that all I had to do was shut it and it would lock automatically! Wait a minute, what am I worrying about? I tried the door and it was locked!" Gizmoduck said to snook delivering keys.
"You need keys to lock this safe properly! If you shut the door and turn the knob, it stays shut...unless you pressed the button while you turn the knob." snook said.
"BUTTON? I didn't see any button! You mean the safe full of gold is aboard that train UNLOCKED?" Giz asked. "And I don't even know where the stupid train is or where the stupid train is heading!"
"Wait a minute! Launchpad is flying in his plane over the same route as the train! He can spot the train and warn them about the unlocked safe! The train car has armed guards, so maybe it'll be OK!" Giz said.
So Giz activated his two way wrist radio(3) and resisting the temptation to say: "Dick Tracy to Go Go Gomez" he said;
"Gizmoduck to Launchpad! Can you hear me, Launchpad?"
"This is Launchpad. What's wrong, Giz?" Launchpad asked.
"Listen, I just found out the safe aboard that train isn't locked! Can you see the train from where you are? Can you warn them?" Giz asked.
"The safe full of gold isn't locked? How'd THAT happen?" Launchpad asked.
"Never mind! Can you tell them that? I don't know where the stupid train is and I can't leave my post in front of the Money Bin!" Giz said.
" I'm right over the train! And there are TWO GUYS RUNNING AWAY FROM THE TRAIN CARRYING GOLD! Launchpad said. "I got to stop them! I'll get back to you, Giz!" said Launchpad.
Launchpad swooped his plane down at the crooks fleeing the train, carrying gold. Now gold is heavy and they were heading for some cars and trucks parked nearby, looking for a car or truck to steal.
Then this crazy pilot nearly cuts off their heads by whooshing his plane right over them. They hit the dirt, right next to a flatbed truck. As the look up to see what lunatic went past them, they spot one of those emergency 'hide a key" things stuck to the bottom of the truck. With a key to the truck in it. They dump the gold into the flatbed, open the door of the truck with the key and drive off with it.
But...
"That crazy pilot still following us! And trying to run us off the road!" crook A said.
"Must be after OUR gold! Lose him! There's a tunnel up ahead! He can't follow us underground!" crook B said.
The two crooks drove the stolen flatbed truck into the tunnel. Launchpad knew which way the tunnel went and would have followed, but then the cops showed up. They had been summoned because of the stolen gold and saw some guy in a plane flying like a nut. They thought Launchpad was the crook. That sort of thing happens sometimes.
"You there in the plane! Land! We want to search your plane for stolen gold!" the cops radioed Launchpad.
"I'm after the crooks! They just drove a flatbed truck down that tunnel!" Launchpad replied.
"Says you! Land! Or we start shooting!" cops replied.
"OK, OK, I ain't going to argue with the cops!" Launchpad replied.
So Launchpad landed the plane, got out with his hands up and let the cops search him and his plane. Naturally, they found nothing of interest.
"Bzz! This is dispatch! Abandoned red flatbed truck found near Duckburg midtown tunnel! Gas tank empty! Believed to be stolen vehicle!" one of the cops' radios said.
"See! That flatbed truck was stolen by the REAL gold thieves! I was chasing them until they went down that tunnel! They must have stolen a better car when the truck ran out of gas!" Launchpad said.
"What do you know about this?" one cop asked.
"The gold belongs to my boss, Scrooge McDuck! Gizmoduck told me to warn the train the safe wasn't locked properly... just in time for me to see a couple of clowns running away with the gold!" Launchpad said.
"You better come with us until we figure out what's going on here." second cop said.
"I want to come! Maybe I can help catch those crooks, like I was trying to do in the first place!" Launchpad replied.
The cops made Launchpad leave his plane behide and ride in the cop car.
The cops soon arrived where the flatbed truck had been abandoned. It had run out of gas in the middle of nowhere. The cops were told, by the owner of a motorcycle that somebody had stolen his motorcycle.
"I left it here while I took some photos! I didn't think anybody steal it in the middle of nowhere!" owner said.
"How could two of them carry gold while riding a motorcycle?" Launchpad wondered.
"It was the only vehicle around. It was either steal it or walk." the cop replied.
"Still doesn't explain HOW they carried the gold with them." Launchpad muttered. "Didn't Flintheart Glomgold used to own this land? Didn't he have a tin mine here?"
"Yes. He sold the land to the city so it could build this highway. So?" first cop asked.
"Flinty always sells the land when a mine he owns peters out. That way keeping folks out of the old mine is somebody else's headache." Launchpad said.
So Launchpad walked towards the old mine and got into it without any trouble.
"Hey! Be careful! It could be dangerous!" Second cop said.
"Come here! Look what I found! " Launchpad replied.
They came, mostly to get him OUT of the old mine before he could hurt himself and sue the city.
"It's the gold! what's its doing here?" First cop asked.
"The crooks left it here. They couldn't carry it on a motorcycle, it's too heavy and awkward. So they hid it here, intending to come back for it later...when nobody's looking for it or them." Launchpad explained (4)
"So...as soon as they can steal a car, they'll come back for it. Why not plan a little reception for them? After they resteal the gold?" second cop asked.
So...the cops waited for the crooks to come back. Launchpad got his plane, and he waited, too. Good thing, too.
The crooks had to hide the gold because they had stolen the wrong sort of vehicle and weren't let that happen twice. They RENTED a fast off road vehicle with plenty of room for both of them and the gold.
The crooks loaded the gold onto the jeep and drove off in it. The cops chased them, but they were driving 'normal" two wheel drive cars. The jeep went over rough and bumpy ground where the cop car just couldn't follow. But Launchpad in his plane had no such problem. He chased them in his plane and kept dropping "bombs" at them.
The "bombs" were plastic bags full of dry ice, which caused fog. Bags of sugar that "exploded" when they hit the ground and got everywhere (including into the crook's engine), bags of paint pellets that gooped up their windshield...anything to drive the crooks nuts. Meanwhile, the cops, who knew the area better than the crooks did, had driven onto a road and...cut the crooks off at the pass.
The crooks would of seen them if Launchpad wasn't hassling them.
"Enough already! Just take us to jail! The gold not worth it!" First crook said.
"Get us away from that nut!" second crook said.
"I'll try to take that as a compliment, especially considering the source." replied Launchpad.
So the cops arrested the gold thieves, and thanked Launchpad for his help.
The End.
(1) I've read that riddle in old joke books. I have no idea why it bugs me that the riddle gives a wrong answer.
(2) I have this '"theory" that in the REAL great train robbery somebody either forgot to lock the safe or didn't lock it properly.
Apparently they changed plans on how to protect the shipment at the last minute because of a robbery threat (that turned out to be a false alarm).
I think everybody got confused as to what they were supposed to do and in the confusion the safe didn't get locked, or didn't get locked correctly. Some crooks were in the right place at the right time and lucked out.
(3) Disney never said where Giz's radio is.
(4) OK, there's this phony-baloney (not written by Doyle) Sherlock Holmes novel called "Sherlock Holmes and the Treasure Train" by Frank Thomas in which some crooks steal gold from a train.
The question is : How did the crooks get the gold out of the area without anybody seeing them or it?
That was my INCORRECT guess on how they did it. I THOUGHT they hid the gold in an old abandoned tin mine, intending to come back for it later.