I can still sense you. I haven't seen you for over a year, but yet you're scent and essence surrounds me. I can smell the scotch, the cigarettes, everything that made you. I haven't seen you, but I still sense you, and that makes me miss you even more. Not since Angel or my mother, did I need someone so much. You were an enigma to me, but yet I could figure you out in a second. You wore your heart on your sleeve. And that's what made you so special
You were honest. Not something I normally saw in a person, let alone a creature of the night. But there you were, blatantly honest about anything that came across your mind. You were wonderful that way. I always had to guess what you were going to say next. I was always on my toes with you. But yet, I could not understand what was going on in your un-beating heart. You told me that you loved me, but I could not and did not understand why until that night. You loved all of me. In your own words I was one hell of a woman. If only you could see me now, not so heroic or incredible now.
I never felt alone with you. Even in perfect silence, I could sit with you and just enjoy it. I never enjoyed silence alone; only with you. And you would understand my need for it. I so desperately needed that in difficult times. You were my confidante and my friend.
I could never do that with Angel. Everything was different and complicated with him. Not like things were complicated with us, but in a way, they weren't. You loved me, and I didn't know yet. Angel never made it clear to me why he loved me. You did. You said it that night. You said that you saw the best and the worst of me and that you still loved me for it. You loved my fragility. Angel loved my strength; all my power and heart. It made him feel better about himself. That he was doing the right thing even though he felt so guilty. He still loved me deeply though. But was his love right for me? I'm not sure.
Why couldn't I love you when you were here with me? I mean, I knew I had love in my heart for you, but I didn't know what kind of love it was yet. I still contemplated that even after you died. And until recently I figured it out.
But that's not going to be said yet. I just need to tell you right now, even though you are not here, that I miss you. Everything about you. Out of all the men in my life, aside from Xander, you were the only one who did not leave. Even when I hated you and you hated me, you were still there, reaping havoc. Annoying, yes, but you were still there giving me the snide remarks. Angel left, my father left, Giles left and so did Riley and yet, even through all of that pain, the only one there was you. I may have hated you at one point, but I still felt something for you, and that was a start, right?
Now here I am, here with my current boyfriend. He's a gorgeous Italian man with warming brown eyes. And yet, I feel nothing for him. Because all I see when I look into he brown eyes, are your blue ones. Watching me, questioning me, and judging me. They haunt me. I see them before I close my eyes at night; I see them when I wake up. They follow me through my daily routines. They watch me as I slay. I just know they are there, in my subconscious.
Your last words are burned into my memory. I said those three words out of pity. And I regret that. But the most beautiful thing you could have said to me was 'No you don't' but thanks for saying it'. You always were too smart and wise for your own good. Because I didn't love you, and it would have killed me to have said that to you and you believed me. You would have died believing a lie. But you died for me, knowing I didn't love you, sacrificing everything; all because you loved me. It didn't matter if the feeling was mutual anymore. You knew I wouldn't love you, and you accepted it. You're a hero. I died saving the life of my sister and the world. You died to save the happiness that was dieing inside of me. You're more of a hero to me than I'll ever be.
You're my hero.
The sequence of emotions is a wondrous thing. My feelings for you grew from hate, to loathing, to tolerance, to disgust, to lust, to hate again, to pity, and finally to respect. I respected you for your strength and your willfulness to continue fighting by my side even when I was cruel. I should have shown you how special you were. But I had not yet realized how special you were until I saw your soul shining through and the heat of your heart warming your cold pale skin. I knew then, that I had made the right choice in picking the right man.
The Champion.
My champion……
My first real Buffy fic.. I mostly do Buffy crossovers, and Harry Potter. So how'd you like? I could continue this where they meet again? Would that be okay? Maybe… I don't know…
I'm a true Spuffy shipper, but I really and truly believe that Buffy never loved Spike. I think she had love in her heart for him, but she could never return the love that he so desperately wanted. I think she just respected him, thought him as a friend, a fuck buddy, whatever, but I don't think she loved him…
Maybe I'm wrong though…..
Review because we all know I love them…..
Later love dolls