OPEN ON BLACK
A glowing red title card fades in:
CHOCULA UNTOLD
CUT TO:
EXT. VILLAGE - DAY
A gothic castle towers over medieval houses.
CAPTION: "Flavorvania, Year of Our Lord 1971"
EXT. CASTLE - DAY
The VILLAGERS have excitedly gathered. High above them, a
HERALD and two TRUMPETERS step out onto a balcony.
HERALD
Greetings, one and all! I present
to you Prince Vanillula!
The Trumpeters play a fanfare as lanky, pale PRINCE BRAD
VANILLULA steps out to greet the cheering crowd.
VANILLULA
Good morning, my loyal subjects! I
bid you a happy St. Breakfast Day!
The villagers pump their fists, each one gripping a spoon.
The Herald wheels a crate up next to Vanillula and opens it,
revealing it to be full of cereal.
VANILLULA
Every one of you is welcome to two
whole servings of Vanilla Almond
Crunch, with your choice of fruit!
The villagers cheer again and start chanting Vanillula's
name, but they are cut short when an explosion sends several
flying into the air.
VANILLULA
What's that? Who's exploding my
loyal subjects?
A stallion gallops out from the smoke. Atop the steed rides
the walrus-'stached, cowboy-hat-wearing WILFORD BRIMLEY.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, bringing
you an important message from Lord
Quakerman!
The villagers scream in terror and run for their lives.
VANILLULA
Sir Brimley, why do you disrupt my
celebration? Have we not had years
of peaceful relations with the
Oattoman Empire?
WILFORD BRIMLEY
We've gotten word that y'all are
addin' crap to our pure oats.
VANILLULA
We agreed to never add any
processed sugar, and we've honored
that agreement.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
You been addin' all that fruit an'
crap. That's a slippery slope. It
ain't the right thing to do.
VANILLULA
Would it please Lord Quakerman if
we cut down on the fruit?
WILFORD BRIMLEY
You can cut the fruit completely
out, goddamn it! We will not
tolerate contamination of our oats!
VANILLULA
Fine.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
No vanilla either!
VANILLULA
What?! Guards! Attack!
The castle doors open and a troop of GUARDS marches out.
Wilford Brimley backflips off his horse, takes a deep breath,
and exhales a giant fireball that incinerates them all.
VANILLULA
Shit.
Vanillula pats the Herald's shoulder.
VANILLULA
I'll be right back.
He runs inside.
HERALD
Your Highness? Where are you -
Wilford Brimley leaps into the air and lands on the balcony,
where he immediately grabs the Trumpeters' trumpets in each
hand and rams them through their heads.
HERALD
My god!
The Herald turns to run. Wilford Brimley jumps in front of
him and grabs him by the throat.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Where's your prince hiding?
HERALD
(choking)
He's...probably...leaving...the
castle. Please...spare me...
Wilford Brimley roars like a lion and eats the Herald's head
in one bite.
BEHIND THE CASTLE
A secret panel in the castle wall slides open and Vanillula
runs out.
VANILLULA
God, this sucks!
WILFORD BRIMLEY (O.S.)
(echoing)
This castle is ours now!
VANILLULA
Shit.
He runs into the brush.
EXT. BRUSH - DAY
Vanillula stumbles through bushes and tall grass.
VANILLULA
"No fruit." "No vanilla." Blah
blah blah. Big stupid jerk.
A monk, FRANKLIN, leans out from behind a huge tree,
startling Vanillula.
FRANKLIN
Hello, Your Highness.
VANILLULA
Brother Franklin! Wilford Brimley
invaded my castle!
FRANKLIN
I know, I heard him. He's very
loud. You can hide out here with
me and the other Fruit Monks in our
secret shelter.
INT. TREE - DAY
Three other monks, BOB, BRUCE, and MANNY, sit inside the
hollow, lantern-lit tree. Franklin and Vanillula squeeze in
through an opening.
BOB
Look, it's the Prince!
BOB/BRUCE/MANNY
All hail Prince Vanillula!
VANILLULA
Yeah, hi.
FRANKLIN
Would you like some fresh fruit,
Your Highness? I recommend the
strawberries.
BOB
Blueberries are the best, though.
BRUCE
No! My favorite fruit is the best!
Whatever that is! I forget!
MANNY
Me too!
VANILLULA
I'll eat anything, as long as it
has some vanilla extract injected
into it.
FRANKLIN
Oh, I'm afraid we're out of that.
VANILLULA
What?
MANNY
We weren't able to get a new supply
from the castle before the
invasion.
VANILLULA
Shit. Well I'm gonna have to go
get magical powers and get my
castle back.
Vanillula leaves the tree.
FRANKLIN
Wait, Your Highness!
EXT. TREE - DAY
Franklin follows Vanillula outside.
FRANKLIN
Where are you going?
VANILLULA
Rotten Tooth Mountain, of course.
FRANKLIN
But that's where the dreaded
Alcocoamist resides! The evil
master of dark chocolate arts!
It's much too dangerous!
VANILLULA
Sometimes you have to deal with
chocolate to get vanilla.
FRANKLIN
What?
VANILLULA
I must away!
Vanillula marches off.
FRANKLIN
But we have strawberries!
Strawberries!
Bob sticks his head out of the tree.
BOB
And blueberries!
FRANKLIN
Shut up, Bob!
EXT. ROTTEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - NIGHT
By the light of a full moon, Vanillula climbs the rocky
slope, lifting himself onto a jagged ledge leading to the
mouth of a cave.
INT. ROTTEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - CAVE - NIGHT
Vanillula enters the dim cavern.
VANILLULA
Alcocoamist! I know you're in
here! I demand you show yourself!
The ALCOCOAMIST, a hooded, cloaked man, lurches from the
shadows and pushes Vanillula against a wall.
ALCOCOAMIST
Who are you?!
VANILLULA
I...I am Prince Vanillula.
The Alcocoamist hurls Vanillula across the cave. Vanillula
slams into the opposite wall and drops to the floor.
ALCOCOAMIST
Why have you entered my domain?!
Vanillula staggers to a stand.
VANILLULA
My castle was taken over by Wilford
Brimley and the Oattoman Empire. I
have come to offer you a deal.
ALCOCOAMIST
What could you possibly offer me?
VANILLULA
If you help me defeat the
Oattomans, I will grant you a tract
of land where you can practice your
vile wickedness.
The Alcocoamist moves in close.
ALCOCOAMIST
And what are you willing to endure
for my help?
VANILLULA
I would do anything to secure my
vanilla reserves.
The Alcocoamist pulls his hood back. His head is one big
block of chocolate fudge. Vanillula winces in repulsion at
the horrendous sight.
ALCOCOAMIST
Are you willing to forsake your
devotion to your precious vanilla
in order to save it?
VANILLULA
I...well...do I have to?
The Alcocoamist produces a cereal bowl from his cloak in one
hand and a dagger in the other.
ALCOCOAMIST
I spent most of my life harnessing
the power of the brown sweetness.
I paid the price for it when karma
placed this curse upon my head.
He shoves the bowl into Vanillula's hands and slices his palm
with the dagger. The wound bleeds chocolate syrup, which he
drizzles into the bowl.
ALCOCOAMIST
Drink this, and you will obtain the
power to defeat your enemies.
VANILLULA
But will I turn into a fudgehead?
ALCOCOAMIST
No.
VANILLULA
Okay!
Vanillula drinks the chocolate syrup, then drops to his knees
clutching his stomach.
VANILLULA
Oh god! Such a stomach ache! Too
much sugar! I can't take it!
ALCOCOAMIST
Yes! Let it flow through you!
Veins bulge on Vanillula's forehead. His hair straightens up
into two peaks.
VANILLULA
What's...happening...to...me?
He screams in agony. A brown cape materializes from the back
of his collar and wraps around him like a cocoon.
ALCOCOAMIST
Now you shall be reborn as
something more powerful than you
could ever imagine!
The cape flies open, and Vanillula shoots to his feet, now
fully transformed into the one and only CHOCULA.
CHOCULA
What is this?! I'm a monster!
ALCOCOAMIST
It's only temporary.
CHOCULA
Oh, okay.
ALCOCOAMIST
That is, as long as you can resist
this.
The Alcocoamist pulls a rock from the wall, releasing a thick
amber substance that flows into a trench in the cave floor.
CHOCULA
Corn syrup! Satan's nectar!
ALCOCOAMIST
Yes. If you can resist ingesting
it for three days, you'll return to
your regular vanilla-centric self.
CHOCULA
All right.
ALCOCOAMIST
But if you give in, you'll be stuck
in your new form forever, and my
curse will be lifted, leaving me
free to go out in public without
everyone making fun of me.
The Alcocoamist's fudge-block head suddenly transforms into
that of a middle-aged man's.
ALCOCOAMIST
I - Wait, what happened?
He turns to see Chocula on his hands and knees, slurping the
corn syrup from the trench.
CHOCULA
Mmm! Oh, sorry. Were you still
talking?
ALCOCOAMIST
My curse is lifted! Mwahahaha!
The Alcocoamist transforms into a hail of chocolate raindrops
that fly past Chocula.
ALCOCOAMIST (O.S.)
See ya, sucker!
Chocula shrugs. He takes a canteen out and fills it with
corn syrup.
EXT. ROTTEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - NIGHT
Chocula walks out from the cave onto the ledge.
CHOCULA
I'm coming to get you, Brimley!
He bursts into a swarm of bat-shaped marshmallows and flies
into the sky.
EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT
A horse-drawn carriage approaches the massive front doors.
INT. CASTLE - MAIN HALL - NIGHT
Wilford Brimley throws open the doors with his bare hands and
steps aside as the carriage enters.
Wilford Brimley opens the carriage door, and out steps
EMPEROR REGINALD QUAKERMAN, a man dressed in Colonial clothes
and sporting luscious white locks.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Welcome to yer new castle, my Lord.
QUAKERMAN
Very good. I shall add it to my
list of properties.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
I prepared somethin' in honor of
yer arrival.
Wilford Brimley walks over to a large curtain and pulls it
back to reveal the four Fruit Monks, restrained by ropes,
hanging over four tanks filled with water and mashed fruit.
FRANKLIN
Let us go, you bastard!
BOB
You can't do this to us!
WILFORD BRIMLEY
These here are the miscreants what
been sullying yer oats.
QUAKERMAN
Very good. I presume their
punishment will be severe.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Each'll be drowned in the fruit
that they specialized in. One'll
get strawberries, another'll get
blueberries, and the other two'll
get...uh, I think limes an' oranges
or somethin'.
QUAKERMAN
Splendid!
BRUCE
Prince Vanillula will save us!
MANNY
Yeah!
The marshmallow bats fly in through the windows and reform
into Chocula.
CHOCULA
Hold it right there!
BRUCE
See!
QUAKERMAN
Sir Brimley, is this the prince who
used to rule this land? You didn't
tell me he was a wizard.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Fancy tricks won't save you,
Vanillula!
CHOCULA
I'm no longer Vanillula. I am
now...Chocolatula!
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Choco-whoza-what?
CHOCULA
I'll revise it later! But right
now it's time for you to die!
Chocula screams and barrels toward Wilford Brimley.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Oh yeah? Well take this!
The ends of Wilford Brimley's moustache aim forward and spray
Chocula with a blast of brown powder.
CHOCULA
Oat bran! Nooo!
Chocula turns back into marshmallow bats, which fly around
erratically.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Oh no you don't.
Wilford Brimley grabs the ends of his moustache and adjusts
them like a hose nozzle, sending a torrent of oat bran into
the air.
The bats shriek in a high-pitched version of Chocula's voice.
BAT #1
Oh god!
BAT #2
It burns!
BAT #3
I can't do this!
The bats fly out the windows.
MANNY
Hey! Wait! Save us!
QUAKERMAN
What was that all about?
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Minor delay, my Lord.
QUAKERMAN
Right then, let's get on with it.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Yes, Sir!
Wilford Brimley pulls a lever.
FRANKLIN
Damn it.
The Fruit Monks scream as they are dropped into the tanks.
EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT
Chocula crawls along the ground, his body covered in
smoldering blisters.
CHOCULA
So...weak. Power...fading...
He rolls onto his back and takes out his canteen.
CHOCULA
Must...rejuvenate.
He pulls the cap off and pours some corn syrup into his
mouth. The moment he swallows, the blisters vanish.
CUE POPEYE THEME
Chocula jumps to his feet and flexes a set of bowling-ball
sized biceps, then charges back to the castle.
INT. CASTLE - MAIN HALL - NIGHT
The ropes thrash around in the tanks as the submerged Fruit
Monks struggle. Quakerman and Wilford Brimley watch.
QUAKERMAN
Good work, Sir Brimley.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
It was the right thing to do.
QUAKERMAN
This calls for a victory meal.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
I bet I can guess what's gonna be
on the menu.
A marshmallow bat flies in carrying the canteen.
BAT
I'm back!
QUAKERMAN
The nuisance has returned!
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Goddamn it.
The bat flies over the tanks, pouring corn syrup into them.
Wilford Brimley fires oat bran at the bat, but it
outmaneuvers him and escapes, laughing all the way.
QUAKERMAN
What's going on, Sir Brimley?
WILFORD BRIMLEY
I don't know, but I don't like it!
The tanks start shaking. A blue mist emerges from the one
holding Bob. It forms into BOO BERRY, holding a box of his
namesake cereal.
BOO BERRY
What's on the menu is a bowl of my
delicious Boo Berry cereal!
QUAKERMAN
What is this madness?!
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Goddamn it!
Wilford Brimley shoots oat bran at Boo Berry. The grain
passes straight through him.
BOO BERRY
You fool, I'm a ghost!
Boo Berry rips open the cereal box and shoves it in Wilford
Brimley's face. Wilford Brimley swats the box away, gagging
as cereal pieces fall out of his mouth.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Blagh! What is this shit?! It's
way too damned sweet!
The other tanks topple over. Out of them lumber FRANKEN
BERRY, FRUIT BRUTE, and YUMMY MUMMY, each holding boxes of
their designated cereal.
FRANKEN BERRY
He doesn't want to trifle with that
blueberry nonsense. Clearly he's a
strawberry man who needs a heaping
helping of Franken Berry!
FRUIT BRUTE
No! He should try the howling good
taste of Fruuuit Brute!
YUMMY MUMMY
But I'll make his tummy go yummy!
Heh heh-heh.
QUAKERMAN
My heavens! Protect me from these
nightmare creatures, Sir Brimley!
Quakerman runs off. Wilford Brimley stands his ground.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
All right, you disgusting mutants.
Let's dance.
Wilford Brimley tries to shoot his oat bran, but his
moustache only manages to sputter.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Goddamn it! Your blueberry crap
made my bran-shooters impotent!
BOO BERRY
Try some more!
The cereal monsters grab Wilford Brimley.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Goddamn it-
Each monster proceeds to shove their cereal down his throat.
FRANKEN BERRY
Franken Berry!
BOO BERRY
Boo Berry!
FRUIT BRUTE
Fruit Brute!
YUMMY MUMMY
Yummy Mummy! Heh heh-heh!
Wilford Brimley stumbles back in a daze, choking from the
force-feeding. He turns around and comes face-to-face with
Chocula, who holds up a bowl of his own cereal.
CHOCULA
Chocula.
Chocula smashes the bowl into Wilford Brimley's face.
Wilford Brimley drops to the floor, his body convulsing and
his eyes rolling back. He then goes still.
FRANKEN BERRY
Is he dead?
Chocula leans over Wilford Brimley and sniffs.
CHOCULA
He's in a diabetic coma.
BOO BERRY
Hurray!
As the other cereal monsters do a celebratory dance, Chocula
walks off to find Quakerman trembling in a corner.
QUAKERMAN
P-please don't hurt me!
CHOCULA
Looks like your name is Quakerman
because you quake in your boots!
QUAKERMAN
Where's Sir Brimley? Is...is he...
CHOCULA
He's worse than dead. He has
diabetes!
QUAKERMAN
You monsters!
CHOCULA
Exactly! And you're next!
QUAKERMAN
No! Please! You can have your
castle and your vanilla! Just let
me go!
CHOCULA
I don't care about vanilla anymore.
I'm expanding my scope.
QUAKERMAN
Fine! Anything!
CHOCULA
I demand to be named the count of
all the territories you've
conquered, with any privileges I
may care to have.
QUAKERMAN
Okay, okay!
CHOCULA
And the people of those territories
will be allowed to put raisins in
their oatmeal.
QUAKERMAN
(dry-heaving)
Wh...what?
CHOCULA
I sense hesitation. Just for that,
instead of raisins, it shall
be...chocolate chips!
QUAKERMAN
Noooooooo!
Quakerman's face melts like Major Toht's.
FRANKEN BERRY
Look, the Prince killed Lord
Quakerman!
FRUIT BRUTE
Yay!
CHOCULA
Yes! The power of chocolate is
triumphant!
BOO BERRY
Boo Berry is still the best cereal,
though.
FRANKEN BERRY
No! It's Franken Berry!
CHOCULA
Need I remind you that chocolate
just saved everything?!
EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT
As the cereal monsters continue arguing, the Alcocoamist
watches them through a window. He turns to the CAMERA.
ALCOCOAMIST
Let the games begi-
Wilford Brimley bursts through the wall, driving his fist
into the Alcocoamist's back and out his chest.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
Burn in hell, sugary scum!
INT. CASTLE - MAIN HALL
The cereal monsters all jump back.
FRUIT BRUTE
Oh no, he's awake!
Wilford Brimley lifts the Alcocoamist into the air, impaled
on his arm.
ALCOCOAMIST
No! A Brimley fist through the
heart! The only thing that can
kill meeeeeaaaagggggghhhhh!
The Alcocoamist gurgles as his body melts into a chocolate
puddle on the ground. Wilford Brimley turns to the cereal
monsters, his eyes glowing red.
WILFORD BRIMLEY
I'm a hundred times stronger now
thanks to the diaaabeeetuuus!
CHOCULA
Shit!
YUMMY MUMMY
Let's get out of here!
CHOCULA
Everyone to the escape hatch!
The cereal monsters run off. Wilford Brimley throws his head
back and lets out a T-Rex roar.
CUT TO TITLE CARD:
BRIMLEY UNTOLD