Loose Ends
Nightmare.
This isn't right… This girl, lying on her hospital bed. Doctors speaking words she doesn't understand. Where are her parents? Why is the worlds spinning out of control. This isn't right. Why am I the girl in the hospital bed? Where are my mom and dad? We were supposed to be on our way home. What the hell happened. No one will tell me. Apparently my sister is coming here. Does she know what happened?
The doctor shines a light in my eyes and it hurts. He asks if I know my name, "Mitchie." I say flatly, where are my parents? This doctor is avoiding my questions. It's making me upset. He tells me to relax or I may go into shock. But, from what? He'll tell me when he is sure I'm stable.
This isn't right, me lying in the bed, I try to move but my body has a sharp numbing pain and I instantly wish I hadn't. With the numbness, came clarity. I suddenly remembered. My parents and I, we were on our way home from my chorus recital, we were laughing… Dad wasn't paying attention…. Mom was smiling brightly at me. And then the light. It was so bright, I heard my mother shriek. My father cried out.
Tears roll down my face. I hear my mother call my name. Daddy isn't moving, mommy keeps telling me she loves me and everything will be fine. I try to tell her "I love you too." But nothing will come out. She tells me she understands and reaches for me, but cries out. I remember reaching out to her, and blacking out.
I begin to shriek and the doctors come running. I thrash and hit against them. They tell me to calm down and I tell them to go to hell, I want my mommy and daddy. I'm sobbing and I hear my sister, cry what's going on? What's wrong with her, me. A nurse ushers her out as another one comes in with a needle. I begin to shriek louder and fight harder as the needle sinks into my arms. "No!" I cry but they wont listen. They continue to hold me down, trying to resist, but I can't, I slip, I fall into a dark nightmarish sleep.
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It's been four months since then. My parents died. I live with my sister. Peachy, eh? My leg was broken in three places from the crash, they had to break it again to set the cast and all that right. I was and am almost finished with physical therapy, doesn't mean I still don't limp, and it's a lot of strain to walk but, I refuse to be immobile with only one leg not working. Oh and I'm in counseling. This lady who thinks I'm not reacting properly to my parent's death. What do you want from me? To break down in sobs whenever I think about them?
My sister, love her soul, only babied me for the first month, but she seems to understand me. I don't need to be fussed over constantly, but that doesn't stop her from checking in on me. Or dragging me with her on her away trips. She's a cook. She caters parties, weddings, bar mitzvah's, you name it she does it. She gets her passion for the kitchen from our mother. It makes me wonder why she doesn't get upset by it, but she tells me cooking makes her feel close to them.
I used to sing. Mom taught me how to play the piano and dad taught me the guitar. When I moved in with Ana, my sister, I put my keyboard and my guitar in the closet. Along with my song book. I can't stand to remember. Which brings us to my current torment.
My sister got a job catering at a camp this summer. Camp Rock. To be exact. A camp solely devoted to music. I didn't protest, my sister did a great service taking me in, even though she says it's not problem. She made sure I was ok with going, I convinced her with the false smile I've perfected. Even my counselor believes it. I'm just going to help Ana in the kitchen. I don't have to participate.
Still, hearing everyone singing and playing. I think it might send me over the edge. Lately I refuse to cry. I think I wont be able to stop if I start. My counselor is trying to "break down my walls", but that's not going to happen. My counselor also wants me to pick up my music again. Also not going to happen. Sometimes I get so sad it drives me into a frenzy. I take depression medication. Sometimes I forget. It makes me numb. But not completely. I've stocked up on my prescriptions for the trip.
Leaving. We'll be leaving tomorrow. Peachy keen. We'll be gone pretty much all summer. Ms. Counselor lady thinks a change of scenery will do me good. She gave me and my sister her number, wanting us to check in with my behavior. Ana can call all she wants. I wont.
It's about 3:50 a.m. and I haven't slept well since the accident. I have medicine they gave me for the dreams, but when I take it, I feel worse in the morning. If I'm lucky I'll just fall asleep in our catering truck. Nevertheless, Curling up in my comforter with my book sounds lovely at the moment.