Disillusion

by Fallen Ark Angel

There's nothing worse for a relationship than stagnancy. - One-shot.

Disillusion

"Cigars make me cough."

Laxus only blew his smoke away from his girlfriend. "Oh yeah?"

Nodding, Mirajane snuggled further down into the bed, staring up at him with a slight grin. "I've tried to smoke one before, but I don't think I'm cut out for it."

"Course you ain't," he grumbled. "You're a little tiny dainty demon. You aren't cut out for cigars. They ain't for everyone, after all."

"I'm not dainty."

"You're dainty." Puff. "Demon."

With a giggle, she said, "You're just drunk is all."

That was true enough. The man had been drinking when she showed up at his apartment late that night after she finished closing up the hall. He'd been in a rather odd mood lately, Laxus had, and they'd sorta been avoiding one another.

Kind of. He hadn't taken a job in what was coming up on three weeks, which Mira usually would appreciate, as it would give them even more time together, but nothing seemed to be going their way. They'd tried to go out on a date a few times, but she was either busy up at the hall or just all together exhausted from working. And then the one time they did, they sorta got into a slight disagreement over something so stupid Mira couldn't even recall what it was anymore, but it had been such a blow up that they didn't talk to one another for a days. Then, when they did begin speaking to one another once more, he was till a bit aggravated with her and distant.

Which was fine. Mira didn't need Laxus anymore than he needed her. If he wanted to have a hissy fit over...whatever it was that they'd argued about, that was alright with her. So she let her sister serve him up at the bar and wouldn't speak with him. Which, of course, Laxus noticed and took caution to not ask the woman for anything.

If she didn't want to serve him, fine; he'd let someone else serve him! He didn't need Mirajane. Not up at the bar. There was Kinana and Lisanna and...and…

And the point was, he didn't need her, didn't want her, and was just as well without her.

Until, of course, she showed up at his apartment door well past midnight. He needed her then, after a night of drinking and self-loathing.

"Are you?" Laxus challenged back in that moment, as they laid there in his bed. Mirajane had his coat resting over her shoulders and nothing else, while he'd gone ahead and slipped on a pair of shorts.

"No," Mira giggled. "Silly. I just got off work."

"You work at a bar."

"I can't drink on the job."

Grunt. Puff. Then, "So why'd you come over here then?"

He hadn't had a chance to ask her that as of yet. Upon her arrival, after all, the two of them had nearly immediately gone at it with few words between them.

It had, after all, been closing in on a month.

"I'm not allowed to come over anymore? Dragon?"

"Of course you are." Puff. "I never would say you ain't."

"You might," she warned with a sigh before shutting her eyes. "Mmmm. Maybe I just wanted to see you."

"Did you?"

"No."

He blinked. Then frowned. "Then why did you-"

"I said maybe."

"Mira-"

"Are you going to yell at me tonight?" She had her eyes shut then as she tugged the slayer's fluffy coat tighter around her shoulders. "Dragon?"

"I've never yelled at you to begin with."

That got a hum.

Then a growl from the man. "I yell at you when you yell at me."

Another hum.

"I do," the slayer insisted. "You always start stuff with me, Mirajane. You're always so-"

"I asked," she cut him off, "because if you are, then I think it's best that we end all of this here."

"What do you mean?" He huffed that time, instead of puffing. Cigar in hand, he glared down at her. "You think that I'mma just let you get up and walk home in the middle of the night? Alone?"

"I walked from the guild to here all by myself. Or to my house, literally every night." Mirajane peeked an eye open. "Why's it a problem now?"

Because they were fighting. Or not fighting. Or not not fighting. Or something. Which bothered him. Not enough to just apologize for...whatever it was they were both so on edge about, but rather to keep her around so they couldn't go back to just not talking to one another.

He'd never say it aloud, never wanted to, not even under dire duress, but… Laxus cared about Mirajane. A lot. And not just in that fake kinda love that he mumbled under his breath at her prompting or after they were finished rolling around in the sheets. The kinda that meant something. That he'd never had with anyone else before.

Instead of answering, he only went back to his cigar. After a few good puffs in silence, he grumbled around it, "If you wanna fuckin' go, then go. I won't stop you."

"Did I say that I wanted to go?"

"You still haven't even said why you want to stay, much less came in the first place, so-"

"Maybe I was horny."

He managed not to blink that time. "Were you?"

"No."

Ugh.

"This would go a lot simpler," he told her harshly, "if you would just tell me the reason instead of telling me all the reasons you didn't."

"But Lax, I'm having so much fun this way."

"Of course you are." Snort. Then, "Well, I'm done, Mira. Stay, don't stay, I don't care. Just stop bothering me."

"How is me lying here bothering you?"

Shrugging, he moved to get out of bed then, taking his cigar with him. Mira didn't call out to ask where he was going and he didn't offer up an explanation.

All he wanted to do was smoke his damn cigar in peace. If that was too much to ask for, fine; he'd go have his smoke somewhere else.

He found this somewhere else in the extra bedroom he mostly used for nothing other than a junk room. Laxus didn't have much of that, junk. He was a rather detached person in most ways and held hardly any sentimental value to things. He did, however, still have a few of Ivan's old suits in the closet in there as well as a desk from Makarov's home with a few odds and ends filling up the rest of the space.

Going to relax into the well-worn chair that sat at the desk, he glanced down at the newspaper he'd left out on it the last time he'd been in there. Not shockingly, it was from months ago.

Huh. He felt like he used the desk more than that.

Maybe it was just junk…

It didn't take long for her to follow him in there. He'd been expecting it, honestly. He'd just hoped that he could get his cigar finished before she did.

No such luck.

"You're naked," he observed when she came to join him in that chair. It was one that swiveled and he had it facing to the side of the desk, so he could see out the window, and it made it easier for her to climb right in his lap, facing him. "Still."

"Am not." She left her hands on his shoulders. "I have a coat on."

Laxus didn't grin. Only stared. "Hardly counts."

Mirajane was undeterred and, with a slight shrug of her shoulders, his fluffy coat went cascading down to the ground. "Better?"

"I never said anything was wrong to begin with."

The chair reclined, just a bit, and he used it then, cigar in one hand, the other resting against her hip. Watching her eyes, he said, "You tryin' to get somethin' out of me, you did enough of that before. I ain't one to turn down encores, but-"

"Are we losing it, Laxus?"

His eyes never left hers. "It?"

Nodding a bit, Mira told him simply, "I think we're broken."

And she said it so honesty and clarity that Laxus only nodded along with her.

"Sounds about right."

She had been leaning over him, just a bit, but sat back at that. "You think so?"

Shrugging, he took a long drag of his cigar, only turning his head then to blow the smoke back out away from her. With that done, he said, "I've never fucked the same woman for a year straight. I feel broken."

"That's sad."

"In what way?"

"What way do you think I mean?"

He needed another drag for that. Then, "That it's sad I ain't had that long of a relationship before."

"What's the other option?"

Shifting just a bit, he gently stroked her hip. "That I've only got to fuck the same woman for a year."

Something was wrong with Mirajane that night, as she didn't tell him to behave or get up and walk out or even seem to respond to that at all. Just sat there for a moment before saying, "Do you feel that way? Sad? Over that last one?"

"At times." Drag. Turn. Puff. "But it ain't wholly bad."

Softly then, she admitted, "This isn't exactly what I wanted to talk about. It sort of is, but not completely."

"What is it then?"

Her hands trailed down from his shoulders then, coming to rest on his abdomen. Pressing down just a bit, she said, "We've hardly spoken to one another all month. And when we have, neither of us are very happy. I just… Are broken up, Laxus? Or should we?"

His own hand stilled, momentarily, before going back to rubbing gently at her hip. "You wanna?"

And the way he said it, all nonchalant and apathetic, made Mirajane grin, just a bit. "That's what you asked me the first time. Remember? When we were up at the hall and they were all having that big party for...for something and I was working, but I was also a little peeved at Lisanna over something so stupid that I can't remember it now that I was drinking a bit too. And so were you. And somehow, when I was in the stock room, getting more beers or something, you came in and we were talking and then… I don't remember it, really, but suddenly we were just close to one another and you kissed me and I… And then you just asked me that. You wanna? Remember?"

Drag. Turn. Puff. Then, "No."

Mira grinned at him, softly, sadly, before whispering, "You're just too honest tonight, aren't you?"

"I'm getting broken up with," he pointed out. "What's the point of lying?"

Shaking her head a bit, Mira glanced behind herself, around the room, as if to buy time, before saying, "I just feel like it's...like...we lost it."

"What is it, Mira?" And now his tone was losing some of its patience. "Huh?"

"Our… We click so well together. Or we did. But now-"

"One bad fuckin' month and you're giving up on me?" Puff. Right in her face. He was starting to get aggravated, it seemed. "You've spent this entire fucked up year telling me how I need to learn to be in a relationship, how I have to learn to care about you, how I have to open my heart. And now we have, what? Thirty or so shitty days and you're done? Fuck you then, Mira. Damn."

Still, she only sat there, resting atop him, before saying, "It's like we lost our spark or something. Like whatever it was that kept us so- Damn it, Laxus, I'm being serious."

He only held the hand that rested against her hip closer, tiny bolts leaping from his fingers. "No, you're not. You're trying to get me to do something. Aren't you?"

"This isn't a stupid ploy. I'm trying to have a mature-"

"Yes, it is," he accused. "You want me to...to...to tell you how much I need you or want you or something shitty like that. Have a moment together. Well fuck that, Mira. And fuck you. I'm not going to just spill my fucking soul right now because you feel like you need more attention. If you think you can find a better man than me, one that can do more shit for you than I can, fine. Go look for him. But don't expect me to beg for you to come back. Mature my ass. You're so fucking childish you can't even recognize your own games anymore."

His hand was still sparking, just a bit, but it hardly phased the woman as she sat there, in his lap, glaring heavily at him finally. When she didn't say anything, he only took some more drags of his cigar, being sure to blow the smoke away from her once more.

"I never thought," he finally grumbled, "that you'd break first. That it'd be you that wanted out."

"I don't want out." Her hair was down and usually that made him give into her, but he seemed resistant in that moment. Or, rather, there wasn't anything to give into. She hadn't asked for anything. Not verbally, anyways. "I just… I don't like feeling this way, Laxus. Bored. Stagnant. Tired. I mean, the past week I didn't even want to see your face. At all. That's not something you should feel about someone you love. Your own boyfriend. That's more than a bad sign; it's a downright omen."

That time, he only sat there, cigar dangling from mouth, staring off, passed her, and to the window. Then, softly, he asked, "What did I do, Mira?"

She wanted to meet his eyes, but she couldn't. "Nothing. That's the problem."

He had to have done something though, he knew. He'd gone out on a long job, come home, and just felt… And then Mirajane wanted to go on a date and they got into that argument and it just got easier to ignore her. He was in such a funk to begin with.

"Would it have been better," he asked her then, "to fight with you? Huh?"

"Laxus-"

"To come around the entire time and yell at one another and-"

"It's what we usually do."

"I'm tired of what we usually do," he told her with a frown. "I'm tired of fighting."

"And that's why we-"

"That's why we what, Mira? Huh? That's why nothing. Other than that's why I chose not to come around this month, that's why nothing. Damn. You wanna fight? Huh?" He shoved her out of his lap then. "Go do it with your damn self."

"Laxus-"

"I didn't do anything, but I'm being a bad boyfriend. I do all sorts of things, you want me to change into a good boyfriend. It doesn't fucking make sense." He turned in his chair once more, to face his desk. "You enjoy this, don't you? Fucking with me?"

"Stop using that word. It's growing old."

Snort. "Then just go, Mira. Leave me alone."

"Lax-"

"Fucking," he hissed, "leave me alone."

"I wanted one conversation, Laxus." She bent down then, but he didn't glance at her. Snatching up the coat, she took it with her. "One mature, honest, open conversation."

"Yeah, well, I guess that's just another thing I can't give you."

"I didn't ask you to give me anything." And she was leaving him alone then, in the junk room, where all the stupid feelings she'd stirred up inside him belong. "Idiot."

He didn't even know what he was supposed to be doing anymore, in that room. What he was supposed to take away from that conversation. Was she asking him to tell her that it was okay to end things? Or asking him to make things better so they didn't have to?

Maybe she was telling him nothing. Which should tell him something.

He just wished he knew what.

They stayed away from one another for most of the night. He stayed in that room and napped with his head again the desk, but being ever vigilant to if the front door opened or closed.

It didn't. For hours, the apartment was just silent.

Five in the morning had come and gone when he finally got up. It was still twilight outside and dark in the apartment as he walked through it without much care to how noisy he was. After a quick peek into the bedroom turned up nothing, he went to the living room.

She was there, of course, Mirajane was. Still with his coat as a cover, but nothing else to her name. He usually found this attractive, but that night, it just wasn't doing it for him.

Nothing was.

Mira was still asleep, it seemed, as he came to stand at the side of the couch and stare down at her. She seemed rather peaceful, breaking softly, hardly moving. And when he reached down to gently push her bangs up, away from her face, she didn't so much as twitch.

He felt pretty broken. He always had been. With or without her. It was just the way his life was meant to be led.

That didn't mean that it didn't matter, however, if she was by his side during that time or not. Because, if given the option, he far preferred being broken with her than alone.

But was that fair then? For him to just impose such a thing on Mirajane without her consent? Clearly, she was done with his broken. It had been fun, no doubt, for awhile. To try and piece him back together while ignoring her own cracks. If his mentality had been to sleep around until he felt nothing, her was to repair and move on before things got too serious.

Things had been different though, with the two of them together. Hadn't they?

Or was Mirajane just finally ready to throw in the towel and walk away?

Honestly, if that was it, if that was the big thing she was trying to convey to him, then hey, he couldn't blame her.

Even his own family had tossed in that towel. Every single one of them. And sure, Gramps was around, in his life, but it wasn't by choice. And the Thunder Legion, sure, they loved him, but it wasn't a true love. It was for his status and the way they perceived him to be.

Not the way he actually was.

Most importantly though, obsession wasn't love. Not by any twisted, contorted form of the word.

Was that what Mirajane had become to him then? Was that it? What she wanted him to understand on his own?

Gently falling to his knees then, beside the couch, he held his head close to hers, her breath tickling his flesh softly. If it had truly been their last night together, he wanted to spend their last morning soaking it all up.

He had the whole goodbyes thing down. Within the next hour, if Mira was ready to walk, he'd be sure to complete eradicate any good memories he'd ever had of her and let her go.

Reaching out once more, he just rested his hand on the back of her head that time, staring intently at her face.

It wasn't fair. That she forced him to care about her and then, after one bad, stupid, worthless month, she was just going to cut her losses.

He wouldn't have done her that way.

Not without warning.

...Was that what she wanted him to understand then? That there had been warning? That those weeks where they couldn't even speak to one another should have been more than enough warning? He'd just been too stubborn to realize it?

He'd begun stroking her head, softly, but it was enough to cause the woman to stir. And, with a slight moan, she peeked an eye open.

"Lax?"

He didn't move in the slightest. "Yeah."

"Mmmm." She shut her eye once more. Letting out a slow breath, she whispered, "You didn't come for me. I waited."

"I'm sorry."

"S'okay." That time, she lazily blinked both her eyes opened, grinning over at him. "It was for the better."

Maybe that was it. For the better. She was trying to save him from something. She thought that if they ended it there, it would be better. For him. Her too, no doubt, as well. And that was just that.

That bothered him, for some reason, deeply, and Mira only sat up a bit at the sight of him tearing up.

"L-Laxus, what-"

"I didn't go on a job, you dumbass." And his tone was harsh and mean, despite the fact that he was having to use his other hand to wipe at his face. "I didn't fucking go on a job."

"What are you-"

"I went to see...her."

"Laxus, who are you-"

"I go every damn year, Mirajane, and yeah, sometimes I feel like shit when I get back." And he wasn't sobbing or crying, his tone, in fact, even sounded pissed, but there were definite tears in his eyes. "Sometimes I don't want to be around other people. And you know what? I still standby what I said at the restaurant that night to made you think we were fighting. Your brother is an annoying fuck and he needs to learn to leave me the hell alone."

Oh. Yeah, now Mira was definitely remembering that. Huh.

He was sniffling then, heavily, as Mira just sat there, staring at him with wide eyes.

"But," he went on as she remained silent, "if you're going to fuckin' breakup with me because I...because… Damn it, Mira, if I can do without her all these years, you think that you're something important? Huh? Because you're not. You're fucking not. You're not shit. Not to me. So just go. Leave. Everyone does. If I'm not worth a fucking month of being alone, then I don't want the other eleven that we were together. Or anymore that we would have had. So just leave! Damn! Just go! Go, Mira! Just-"

"Laxus." And she only sighed, moving then to gently wrap her arms around his head as, with him on his knees on the floor and her on her own on the couch, she towered over him. Pulling him in, she let him snuggle right against her breasts without complaint. "Shhh. You're tired. Stop fighting it. Just calm down. Shhhh."

Resting heavily against her then, he only muttered, "I just missed my mom, Mira."

There. That had to have been it. She won. She got it out of him. Whatever game she'd been playing, she'd tricked him into playing along. He admitted it. Not what she'd been expecting, but still something.

Another piece of the unsolvable puzzle just popped up. He'd have her for another six months.

Great.

Mirajane didn't go to work that morning, even though she was supposed to. She said something about Kinana having been assigned to open as well and that she could handle it on her own, just that once.

She made him go get back in bed as she made them breakfast. She did slip on some clothes for that, but it was just a pair of his shorts and a bra. Daylight made her a bit bashful.

Laxus wasn't particularly hungry when she brought him his plate, but she insisted and he was too tired to argue with her.

And she didn't press, for once, on just what he did while he'd been gone that had forced him into practical self-imposed solitude for nearly a month. She had a pretty good idea, anyhow. Something about his mother, who she knew was dead. For him to say it was a yearly feat, it was probably an anniversary of some sort. Something important.

That was more than enough information for her.

"I'm still fucking pissed at you," he grumbled to her later in the day, as he soaked in a warm bath and she stood over at the mirror in the bathroom, doing her makeup and getting ready to go out for the day. "Mirajane."

"No," she sighed, not even glancing his way. "You're not."

Sinking lower in the water, he decided not to argue. Which may or may not have been a good thing. That part of all of it, he still hadn't figured out exactly.

But if he was still pissed at her, she seemed to still be upset with him as well. Or at least frustrated, in some ways. Though she found out why he'd been distant, that illusive spark that she actually had their faltering relationship pinned on hadn't been reignited.

Laxus didn't know what she wanted from him though. Despite the explanation that it hadn't been a lack of any sort of spark, but rather his own morose attitude towards nagging loss of his mother that left them distant from one another, she still seemed to feel like something was missing.

Maybe it was.

Though he'd given her that little tidbit into his psyche, Laxus hadn't really done anything for the woman in awhile. A long wile. Considering she was used to him presenting her with a gift after each job, nice dinners every couple of weeks, and endless hours spent just being together, she was actually missing out on a lot.

So he sucked it up. Despite the fact that he was totally right and still would attest to this, if it would save his relationship, Laxus was willing to try it.

He gave into Elfman Strauss and let him hangout with he, Freed, and Bickslow one Friday night. Needless to say, it went about as well as spending off time with someone you absolutely can't stand could go and Laxus immediately decided to just absolve the relationship; if that was what it was hinged on, clearly, it was doomed.

Mira was right; bad omens all over the place.

Until Mirajane found out that they hung out and totally blew him that night and damn, that hardly ever happened (again, one of the setbacks of the same woman for a year). Mmmm. If that was what sparking got them, then damn, Laxus would hang out with Elfman a lot more.

But not too much more.

Because seriously, the man was annoying as fuck. Never gonna back down on that. Never.