Summary: Set somwhere in early Season 5. Buffy and Riley decide they need to talk, yet somehow the conversation turns to Spike... Transition from B/R to B/S. *COMPLETE*
Author's Note: This is the first piece of Buffy fiction I've ever actually
completed. So I really want to know how I did. All criticism is welcome.
I also tried to not turn Riley into a complete loser (even if that's what
he is, whereas Spike is the hottest vamp unliving… *drool*). OK, I'm done
ranting now.
Communication
"Buffy!" Riley said in delight as he answered the knock on his door. "Er…come in," he quickly subdued the enthusiasm in his tone when he realized how weird it was to sound surprised at his own girlfriend's visit.
"Hey," Buffy nervously stepped into the room, rubbing her hands together in front of her. It was a habit Riley figured she had picked up from Xander.
"So, why are you here?" Riley slapped himself mentally. "Um, not that you shouldn't come visit me, or that that's not normal, or that…" he quickly stuttered.
"No, it's OK," Buffy said softly, looking up at him with guilty eyes. "I don't come by as much as I should anymore, and…"
"Hey, you've got other things to deal with," Riley quickly jumped to her rescue. "Slaying and, well, slaying…" He suddenly noticed that she was standing awkwardly in the center of the room. "Please, sit down," he gestured to the bed.
She jerkily sat down and started playing with the fabric on his comforter when he sat down beside her.
"So…" he said, trying to break the awkward silence between them.
"So…" Buffy agreed.
"Yeah."
"Yup."
"So…"
"Riley, we need to talk," she suddenly ended what could have become a never-ending cycle of 'so's and 'yeah's.
"Talk?" Riley asked. "About what? Well, not that we don't have to talk, but…about what?" He repeated himself.
She sighed and turned her gaze heavenward. "I don't know about what exactly. It's just that I…"
"Yeah?"
"I…feel like we've been drifting apart lately. Like we're not as close as we used to be, like we're not communicating. So, I think we need to talk," she finished this speech assuredly.
" 'Cuz talking is a good way to communicate," he joked lightly.
"Yup." She gave him a small smile.
"So, what should we talk about?"
"I'm not really sure," she bit her lip slightly. "I'd only really thought this out through the 'we need to talk' part."
"Well…" he began, leaning back on his elbows. "What about that new Slayer thing?"
She groaned. "So don't want to even think about that at the moment!"
"Dracula?" he suggested. "You did get bitten, and…"
"Ugh!" she exclaimed, catching her hands in her hair. "Can you get over that already? It was a thrall! It's not like I wanted to get bitten! And besides, it's all part of my job, and…and… Oops, sorry," she realized her rant was an overreaction and gave him a meek smile.
"It's OK," Riley held up his hands in defense. "Sensing a bit of reluctance on the Dracula issue and promptly backing off."
"Sorry," Buffy quickly amended. "We really should talk. If you want to talk about that…" Her voiced trailed off in a way that indicated to him that no matter what she said, now was not the time to discuss this.
"No, really. It's OK," he assured her. "I get that there's some Slayer stuff that I should just let you tell me when you're ready to come to terms with it."
Buffy gave him a sweet smile and leaned over to kiss him lightly on the lips. They shared a short, chaste kiss before they both pulled away on some mutual telepathic signal and returned to the matter at hand.
"So…" Buffy began the vicious cycle anew.
"Spike," Riley said abruptly.
Buffy jerked up from her comfortable position on Riley's pillow at this apparent non sequitur. She looked around the room, half expecting to see the bleached vamp. "Huh? Spike?" she said when she couldn't find any logical reason whatsoever for Riley mentioning his name.
"Not 'What's Spike doing here?' but 'Do you want to talk about Spike?'," Riley clarified.
She flopped back down. "What's there to talk about?" she shrugged. "Spike's, well…Spike."
"He's a vampire."
"Yeah." Duh, she added privately in her head.
"He's a vampire, and you haven't killed him."
"Because of the chip in his head," Buffy agreed. "Sooo not seeing where this is going."
"It won't last forever, you know," he sighed, staring at the ceiling.
"Huh?" she propped herself up on one elbow to look at him.
"The chip," he clarified. "They're only supposed to last twenty or so years. It was the best our scientists could do. Plus, HST's were never supposed to escape. They would be terminated long before the chips had a chance to wear out."
"So Spike's chip'll kick out when I'm forty?" Buffy said, bemused. "Something tells me that if I live to be that age, I'll be more than able to handle a de-chipped Spike."
"And what if you don't?" He almost whispered the words as if that would make it less likely to come true.
"Then he's someone else's problem," she replied soberly. "There'll be another Slayer, and knowing him he'll go straight for her and get his ass kicked."
"You hope he'll get his ass kicked."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "It's Spike. Getting his ass kicked is what he's best at."
Riley turned to look at her rather intently. "That's not what I've heard," he frowned slightly. "Xander told me he's killed two Slayers already. And that he nearly killed you on several occasions."
Buffy sighed. "I suppose. Look, why are we talking about this?"
"Because I want to know why you don't just finish him off," Riley said, slightly exasperated. "Sooner or later the chip will go on the fritz, and he'll start killing and maiming innocents. It's inevitable. So why don't you prevent it? Why don't you just dust him now while you still can?"
"Because he's helpless to defend himself," she threw her hands up in the air in frustration. "I can't just go up to him and stake him in cold blood. Bad pun not intended. It would be wrong, and…unfair. I mean, he kind of trusts me and all. I can't just kill him all of a sudden."
"Yes, you can!" Riley insisted. "It's what you do. You're the Slayer. That means you slay all vampires, no matter how 'helpless' they are. Even with the chip he could probably still put up a better fight than most of the fledglings you dust. How is this any different?"
"Because he's Spike!" Buffy exclaimed.
"I know," Riley's voice calmed some. "I know, but I don't get it. I don't see what it is between the two of you that makes you not want to kill him."
"I do want to kill him!" Buffy insisted. "And…and stop it! You're doing it again with the whole boyfriend-being-pointlessly-jealous-over-vampires bit! There is nothing between me and Spike already!"
"I know, I'm sorry," he quickly amended. "I know there's nothing like that between the two of you. But there is something, and I feel like it's beyond my reach, ya know? Like there's this part of you that's still completely unfathomable to me, and if I could just get what's up with you two then it would all click into place." He paused for a second. "I'm not making any sense, am I?" he grinned nervously.
She was silent for a minute. "No, you're making a lot of sense," she finally responded.
"If you don't want to talk about it…"
"No, I do," she affirmed. "It's just that I don't know what to say…"
"How about trying to explain what Spike is to you?"
"Annoying beyond belief," she quipped.
Riley laughed. "No arguing with that one."
"Definitely not," she laughed as well. And then after a minute, "He was my mortal enemy. My greatest foe. I mean, I've fought against lots of demons more powerful, and I've prevented numerous apocalypses, and I've even had to take on another Slayer. So, Spike doesn't really seem so scary after all that, but still…"
Riley watched her face intently as she struggled to explain.
"It was…different when I fought Spike. It made more sense somehow. Like we were born to fight each other, that that was our purpose on this planet: to fight each other…" she trailed off, a tone almost of regret? in her voice.
"You can't possibly be saying you wish he were still around to terrorize you?" he exclaimed in disbelief.
"No!" She paused. "Yes…" More reluctantly. "I don't know!" She groaned in frustration. "It's like… He was my mortal enemy, and I was his. And if anything was gonna bring him down, it should have been me, not some random government experiment!"
"So you are mad about the chip?"
"Yes, I'm mad!" she smacked the mattress for effect. "Which is absolutely ridiculous because he just would have tried to kill me again, and he probably would've hurt my friends in the process, but…dammit! It was my fight! It was our fight! You didn't have the right to take that away from us!"
Riley stared at her, eyes wide.
"I'm sorry," she quickly put a hand to her mouth. "That was completely unfair of me. You didn't know. Of course, you didn't know. And even if you did… I can't really expect you to understand."
"But I want to understand," he insisted. "I want to get it. I want to get you."
She spared him a sweet smile. "I know…"
"So what is he to you now?" he asked.
Buffy sighed and flopped back onto the mattress. "That's…a lot harder to answer…"
"Try? Please?"
"I'm trying," she put her arm over her face and began. "I guess I've always sort of thought that if I became a vampire I'd be one like Spike. We're complete polar opposites, but sometimes I get these little hints that deep down inside we're the same."
"Huh?" Riley's answer was the only response that could be given to that statement, even by the most eloquent of people.
She sighed and tried again. "You know those cartoons where the person has a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other shoulder, and they each try to tell the person what to do, and they're arguing all the time, but it's really just a metaphor because they're both the same person even though they argue all the time and hate each other?"
"So, you're a little cartoon angel, and Spike's a little cartoon devil?" Riley couldn't help but smile at her analogy.
"Yeah, it's like that. I feel like he knows me…understands me… Back when Angel and I were still together," she intentionally ignored Riley's tension at the name 'Angel' and plowed ahead, "he just got what I was feeling towards Angel. Everyone else, including me and Angel, were just kind of trying to pretend that things were OK and the way they used to be, and then Spike barges in and gives this huge speech about how Angel and I are too in love to ever be just friends. And as soon as he said it, I realized that he was right. It was what I'd been thinking all along but had been too afraid to admit even to myself. It was like he knew me better than I knew myself that day. And I guess I've felt the same way about him, too."
"How so?"
"When we formed the alliance to defeat Angelus. And when he came to me for help that day when he was starving from the chip. I could almost see inside his head. I just knew I could trust him because I knew him. It's…hard to explain…"
"No, you're doing a good job," Riley shook his head. "I think I get what you're saying. I mean you're different, but you're the same. You both rush into fights without thinking first, and you follow your hearts blindly, and you're active and impatient and unpredictable, and neither of you ever back down from a challenge, and you both love to argue, and…er, no offense."
She laughed. "None taken. It's all right. We're both pig-headed, and as stubborn as a mule, and any other animal metaphors you can think of."
Riley chuckled as well. "Too bad you're the good guy and can't annoy him with your insights the same way he annoys you."
"I can and I do," she giggled. "You think he likes being reminded that he's just the wanna-be-Big-Bad now? Or how about the fact that he's neutered, tamed, housebroken, and completely whipped? Or that he never really was all that evil because of his love for Drusilla and the only reason he tried to go after the Slayers was to prove to the world that he really could cut it as a vampire…" She trailed off, a far-away expression in her eyes.
"Buffy?"
"Hmmm?"
"Buffy!"
"Huh?" She suddenly snapped out of her dazed mood.
"You here?" he joked.
"Yeah, I guess… That was the other thing about us. I was the Slayer that loved, and he was the vampire that loved, and it had sort of given us each an advantage before 'cuz it gave us something to fight for, and then we fought each other and it sort of threw us for a loop. We were too alike to ever defeat each other. We were each other's match. We were…equals."
"Buffy…" Riley's tone was extremely serious now. "I want you to tell me the truth about something, and I mean the honest and complete truth even you think it'll hurt me…"
"OK, you're kind of freaking me out here…" she tried to lighten the mood despite the intensity of his gaze.
"I want you to tell me what you feel for Spike, really and truly," he struggled not to break eye contact. "I want to know."
She gulped and met his eyes. "I-I'm not in love with him or anything like that, if that's what you're asking." She decided to start off with the easy part. "I definitely do not have feelings for him in that way. And he's not a friend, either. But…"
"But?" Still all seriousness.
She put her hand over her face. "Oh god, whatever you do, don't ever tell anyone I said this…"
"I won't," he assured her.
"I don't hate him." It was a whisper.
"Okaaay…"
"It's not that I don't want to," she quickly clarified. "It's more like I can't hate him. I try to, really I do, but somehow he's a part of me. I think I kind of need him, or at least I need to know there's someone like him out there. It's sort of like…" she looked around the room for inspiration and – perhaps unfortunately – her eyes fell upon a half eaten sandwich on Riley's desk. "It's like those bacteria you have in your stomach. You hear about them and go 'Ewww, gross! I don't want any bacteria in me!' but you still need them even though you wish you didn't."
Riley was barely managing to contain his laughter at this point. "Spike's stomach bacteria?"
"Yup, Spike's stomach bacteria," Buffy declared proudly in between her own giggles.
"Can I quote you on that out of context?" he joked.
"Sure…well, not to Spike. Knowing him, he'd probably figure out what I really meant." Her voice turned soft again. "He's good at that…"
"Gotcha," Riley smiled at her. "No telling Spike."
She almost seemed to breathe a sigh of relief at that.
"So can I ask you one more prying question?" Riley was beginning to think he was pushing it. "An annoying I've-been-studying-psych-for-way-too-long type of thing?" He decided to try to lighten things up a bit before the bomb he was about to drop.
"Uh-oh, I'm in trouble now," she smiled.
"If you're uncomfortable with this, you don't have to answer. I really don't want to pressure you…"
"If I'm uncomfortable, I'll tell you…if you ever get around to asking your question," she teased.
"Here goes." Riley shut his eyes tightly. "What does your subconscious think of Spike?" He nervously cracked one eye open to try to gauge her reaction.
"You want to know about my dreams," she said thoughtfully.
"Yeah," he agreed. "I know it's really prying, but…"
"It's OK. I think I can do this," she smiled wanly. I have to be able to do this, she added in her head. If I can't trust him, it'll never work out between us… "I…do dream about him. And I…" Her face turned bright red, and she nervously turned her attention to a blank spot on the wall.
"You have sexual dreams about him?" Riley pressed.
"Yes." It came out as a soft whimper.
"Hey, Buffy, that's OK," Riley assured her. "Spike's a very sexual creature. It would only make sense that your subconscious would link the two."
"Ugh!" she exclaimed. "So did not want to hear the words 'Spike' and 'sexual' in the same sentence!"
"And see, your conscious mind is appropriately repulsed by the idea," he managed a small smile.
"You're kind of cool about this all," Buffy suddenly turned to him. "I mean I've just admitted to having fantasy dreams about another guy, and you haven't freaked out or anything."
"It's perfectly natural. I know that. Besides, maybe I've had dreams about other people, too," he added.
"Really?" Buffy demanded. "Who?"
"Er…OK, so maybe I haven't had dreams about other people," he said sheepishly. "But that doesn't mean I couldn't have them."
"You dream about me?" Buffy asked.
"Well, yeah."
"That's so…sweet," her right palm moved over to cup his face. "I dream about you too, you know. A lot. Way more than Spike." OK, so that last part was a lie, but still…mostly honest is good, right?
He placed a soft kiss on the heel of her hand. "Seems kind of silly to dream," he pulled her into his embrace, "while we're both right here…"
Buffy giggled slightly before kissing him softly. It wasn't long before the passion of their kiss consumed them…
* * *
For once Riley had stayed awake long after Buffy had fallen asleep.
As he watched the sleeping form of the woman he loved, he couldn't help
but feel a bit bitter at the conversation they had had earlier. Sure, they
had talked. And it was the first time in a long, long while that he felt
she had been truly open with him. But still…
"Deep down inside we're the same."
"He knows me…understands me… He just got what I was feeling."
"I could almost see inside his head. I just knew I could trust him because I knew him."
"We were too alike to ever defeat each other. We were each other's match. We were…equals."
"I think I kind of need him, or at least I need to know there's someone like him out there."
"Knowing him, he'd probably figure out what I really meant. He's
good at that…"
It was everything he'd always wanted to have with Buffy. He wanted to be the one that got her, the one that understood. He wanted to be the one she needed. He wanted to figure her out. He wanted to be her equal. Because as long as it had taken Buffy to describe all of these characteristics, Riley could sum it up all in one word. In fact to him it was the very definition of the word:
Soulmate.