An Obvious Outcome
"I put ten Galleons on the Bat Bogey Hex!" Professor Flitwick was saying as Minerva entered the teacher's lounge. "It's simple but effective!"
"Humph! I'm putting my money on an unpleasant potion slipped into that fat-headed simpleton's drink at breakfast," Sprout said with a sniff. "Merlin knows that he has access to all the ingredients."
"What are you two nattering on about?" Minerva put her hands on her hips, her eyes narrowing at the two of them as they fixed her with twin guilty looks.
"It's...you know….him," Pomona said quietly, pointing at the corner, where Lockhart was gesturing wildly and talking animatedly at a very put-upon-looking Trelawney.
"You can't be serious!" Minerva's spectacles nearly fell off her nose.
"Oh, but we are," Filius squeaked. "He had the audacity to ask me what I thought of his new locket, which features a small hunk of distinctively black, greasy hair."
"Well I never!" Minerva huffed. "Doesn't he know that Severus is not...that way?"
"To be fair, I don't think that Severus is any way at all," Pomona giggled. "He probably falls asleep reciting potions ingredients lists."
"Also, I'm not sure if Lockhart is actually gay or if he's just disgustingly opportunistic," Filius sniffed. "After all, he seems to truly think that Sybil is actually interested in his ridiculous little tirade."
All three Heads of Houses turned and stared at Lockhart, who had somehow produced a copy of one of his books and appeared to be blithely unaware of the fact that Trelawny had begun to root rather obviously around in her left nostril with her finger.
"Someone ought to rescue Sybil," Minerva said, sighing as she turned to look at the other two, who seemed more content to watch the painfully awkward scene unfold.
"Oh, we couldn't possibly," Pomona tittered, blushing pink.
"Fine. I guess that I'll have to be the reasonable one, then," Minerva huffed, stomping over to Lockhart.
"-and that's when I realized that the werewolf was suffering from the worst full-moon breath, I mean, come on! Could it kill the poor chap to brush his teeth before he underwent his transformation?" Lockhart shifted back and forth on his feet, wiggling his arse in an embarrassing manner as he grinned toothily at Sybil and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"Lockhart, you know that Sybil needs to get to her classroom to prepare for her sixth year double Divination class!" Minerva said, causing Trelawny to jump as Lockhart turned and fixed Minerva with a sparkling smile that would have been the envy of any used-car salesman.
"T...the Inner Eyes is confused and requires incense to clear it! Who knows what sort of doom and destruction might occur if I am unable to predict it!" Trelawny proclaimed in a stuttering voice before turning and scuttling out the door of the staff room before anyone could say anything else.
Minerva ignored the two hushed disappointed groans from behind her. She crossed her arms and fixed Lockhart with a stern look.
"Good morning, Deputy Headmistress!" Lockhart said with a flourish of his hand and a slight bow. His theatrical manner only made Minerva feel more sympathy for the poor Head of Slytherin.
"Lockhart, is it true that you've been harassing members of the staff?" Minerva asked, her voice growing more shrill than she would have liked.
"Whatever do you mean? Sybil was obviously highly entertained by my story! After all, who wouldn't be? A werewolf with halitosis is rather hilarious once one gets past the whole murderous monster part." Lockhart smiled, his eyes twinkling so merrily that Minerva was certain even Albus would find his mimicry unamusing.
Minerva sighed and shook her head. "I was not referring to Professor Trelawny. I was, in fact, referring to certain...romantic exploits...that have not escaped my notice."
Lockhart ran his fingers through his hair and laughed, his face screwed up in an expression that Minerva supposed he meant to look charming. "Ah, I guess you caught me! Well, no use hiding it, then!"
With that, Lockhart tore open the jacket he was wearing, spilling golden buttons everywhere.
Minerva stared, her shocked gasp the only sound to be heard in the small staff room.
Underneath Lockhart's jacket was a T-shirt bearing a face with an uncanny resemblance to Severus Snape, only this Snape was shirtless and flexing a rather sizable bicep.
"What in the-?!" A very familiar voice barked from behind Minerva, and she turned slowly to see a completely clothed version of Severus Snape standing frozen in the doorway, a cup of tea in one hand and a newspaper under one arm.
"I simply cannot hold myself back any longer!" Lockhart gushed, twirling around and practically dancing towards where Snape stood rooted to the floor. "I have to tell you the truth of my affections! I've always loved my bad boys, Professor, and you're the baddest I could find! Please do the honor of being my boyfriend!"
Lockhart then flew towards Snape, his arms outstretched as if to fling himself into the surly Potions master's arms. Severus was quicker, however, and sidestepped this rather hamfisted move with well-practiced grace. Lockhart slammed into the stone floor like a sack of bricks and lay there, face down, his feet twitching slightly.
"I don't suppose the rest of you might explain exactly what is going on here?" Severus asked, deadpan, as Minerva blinked, still trying to comprehend what had just happened. Pomona and Filius were still laughing hysterically, their faces red as they tried to catch their respective breaths.
"I told him to stop bothering you, but it seems that Lockhart has a lot of trouble understanding basic directions," Minerva said pointedly.
Severus smirked at this and shook his head. "From what I've heard of his idea of lesson planning, he has a lot of trouble understanding a number of basic things."
Both Pomona and Filius burst out laughing even harder at this, which prompted Minerva and Severus to roll their eyes.
"I think that's quite enough from the peanut gallery you two," Minerva said. "Honestly! You're both acting like a bunch of first years!"
"That reminds me," Severus said thoughtfully, "Filius, Albus wanted to talk to you about your first year Charms course. Seems the Ministry is getting uppity about your lessons on beauty charms- thinks they're frivolous."
That got Flitwick's attention and he stormed from the room as fast as his short legs could carry him.
"And Pomona,weren't you talking about harvesting your Silverthorn root crop this afternoon? Something about 'maximum potency' or something like that?" Severus continued with a shrug.
"Okay, okay, I'm going!" Sprout guffawed, making her way to the door as she giggled and snickered. "Just let me know if anything else interesting happens, won't you?"
"I assure you that I intend to have quite a boring afternoon," Severus replied, "Good morning, madam."
"Are you sure you're alright?" Minerva asked as Pomona shut the door, her laughter growing fainter from the other side.
"Minerva, I would not be much of a wizard if the likes of Gilderoy Lockhart were too much for me," Severus replied, arching one eyebrow at the Deputy Headmistress. "He's a harmless idiot. Well...mostly harmless. I do believe that fall has done some damage to that absurdly white smile of his. I wouldn't worry about his brain. He doesn't seem to use it much as it is, anyway."
As if on cue, Lockhart groaned. Severus scowled at this and pointed his wand at the tall wardrobe in the corner.
"May I?" Severus asked, gesturing to it with his wand and then gesturing at Lockhart.
Minerva looked puzzled for a moment and then her eyes opened wide and a smirk spread across her face.
"Don't let me stop you, Severus," she said, "but I must warn you that as the Deputy Headmistress, it would not be proper for me to watch you...acquaint Lockhart with the facilities, as it were."
With that, she turned and walked through the door, a small smile on her face as Severus chuckled deeply from behind her.
"Note to self," she muttered softly to herself, "make sure to practice utterly surprised expression for when I am inevitably told about Lockhart finding himself trapped in the staff room wardrobe."
With a catlike grin, she shifted into her tabby Animagus form and padded down the hall to prepare for her next Transfiguration class.