I'm a Stranger in You
Written by OpheliacAngel
Dean/Gabriel
Genre: Romance/Angst
Song Featured: "Letting the Cables Sleep" ~ Bush (I consider this to be one of Gavin Rossdale's masterpieces, and as soon as I heard it I wanted to write something Dabriel. The couple I've been obsessed with for the past couple months) Title of this chapter comes from "Still Alive" ~ Lisa Miskovsky. Check out the Mt Eden dubstep remix of it, it's awesome.
Summary: What happens when you wallow away into dreams and memories? And what guilt will you feel when you have no idea how much someone cares for you? Gabriel tries to get through to Dean as he descends into the darkness in the aftermath of Sam's death. Will he be able to break through, or will Dean's darkness take him under as well?
Warnings: Set during or after Season 7, which makes it AU. It's also AH, because Gabriel is no longer an archangel. One-sided Dean/Gabriel. Gabriel's POV. Very angsty/tragic. If you're looking for fluff this isn't it. Nothing explicit though, it is PG-13. Also, keep in mind there are various tenses, it's mainly past tense but there's also present. I hope you enjoy.
Chapter 1: Still Alive
~You in the dark, You in the pain, You on the run
Living a hell, Living your ghost, Living your end
Never seem to get in the place that I belong
Don't wanna lose the time, Lose the time to come~
Things happened he couldn't even try to explain. Time took hold of him and then left him behind, left him behind in a blur of lights and colors and sounds that drove him mad. Until he was left in shadow, in darkness he didn't own. Then he realized just how much he had taken for granted. He wanted life stuck on fast forward again, where he could feel something, not how painfully slow it went by like now. He didn't even know where he was half the time. Except for the fact that he was with Dean.
Dean's happiness was a rare thing to find and maintain. He stayed close to him, knowing it gave him an ounce of comfort and surety in his life. He was almost positive Dean knew he wouldn't leave. But he was nearly as positive that the majority of Dean's soul didn't care. He had lost all will and it was frightening to face.
Sometimes he nearly cried when he realized Dean probably didn't know he was there. He seemed so lost those days, so unsure of where he was and what the hell he was doing. Dean would look up at him and not know who he was. And while he never spoke, never asked him what he was doing or who he was, it was more than painful to not hear his voice than to not hear the words he would speak. It's as if Dean had nothing left to say. He told Gabriel once he felt useless, washed out. What the hell was he supposed to say after that? How could you comfort someone who didn't know what comfort was?
They talked a lot, about past days and future days no matter how clouded they might be. Dean couldn't think of things he shouldn't say, he told Gabriel everything. About what life was like with Sam before they even knew angels existed, about how terrible he felt when Castiel went by his back and consumed souls. There was so much pain in Dean's past that he was surprised he'd ever want to talk about it, especially to a used to be archangel who supposedly cared little for trivial human matters. But he clung onto Dean's every word because it was a gift, he was learning and gaining pieces of Dean every day. He just couldn't cope sometimes with the fact that Dean was losing himself, giving himself over to Gabriel. He didn't deserve this.
Everyone was gone now: Bobby, Castiel and Sam. And Dean was the only one left, that's why Gabriel couldn't abandon him. The human needed looking after and the fact that he was once an archangel, meant he was the one to do it. He tried to leave before, but he didn't know where to go. He told Dean they both needed each other, Dean for his sanity and protection and Gabriel for his deepest temptation.
The hunting was done, which could already be guessed. Dean had started crashing in motel rooms for the first few months, until Gabriel took him away, bought him a small run down house that felt like home. He made sure it felt like home before he would even think about taking Dean there. It's not like Dean's wasn't too weak or hopeless yet to protest, he could have fought back and refused and Gabriel would have tried to convince but not force. Never force. But he didn't have to do anything of that, Dean went with him because it was secretly what he wanted. He had always wanted a home, and if Gabriel was the one giving it to him he wouldn't run away.
Gabriel tried to make everything for him normal, even tried to get him a job. But Dean was tired, so tired and he gave in pretty fast, let Dean sleep his days away in bed or on the couch. He should have tried harder, he should have forced a little.
Now everything was falling apart because he couldn't bear to corrupt his humanity.
GxG
"You want to talk?"
He sat up in bed, head held in his hand, elbow holding him up as he stared down at a restless Dean.
"Yeah. Yeah, let's talk."
Usually when Gabriel offered, Dean didn't refuse. The talking helped, allowed him to get what he could out of his head and poured into Gabriel's. He would take the burden. He could handle it.
"What do you want to talk about?"
"You."
Gabriel's eyes lifted up in shock. Dean always talked about himself and Sam, needing it nearly every day. He had never asked Gabriel anything before, and he suddenly did not know what to say.
"What do you want to know?"
"What was Kali like?"
Suddenly Dean wanted to hear tales of romance? It must really be bored. He paused for while, trying to think of where to start, what to say, what Dean would be interested in. His past with Kali wasn't exactly story-telling material. It wasn't too short either.
"Unless you don't want to."
He turned back to him and scooted closer, wrapping an arm around Dean's shoulders, letting his rest the back of his head and neck on his arm. It was something he often did to make them closer, to not suffocate Dean but not leave him cold and alone either.
"No, I want to. I just…"
"Don't know what to say."
He smiled and leaned back against the headboard, "She was lovely, really exciting to be around. She really was amazing."
Dean smiled a little, "She tried to get you killed?"
He smiled back, "More than once. She hated me at times, but we always crossed paths again and caught up whenever we could, telling endless tales of our adventures and trying to beat one another. She always beat me. I mean, I could trick people but it was nothing compared to what skill she possessed in everything. The wars she started over mortal men who wouldn't bend under her whims, the slaughtering and bloodshed. It was really… nice to be friends and lovers with someone like that. I was practically the only being she refused to kill, even though we talked endlessly of different ways we would make each another suffer. It was… it never got old. She never got old."
Dean turned over and curled his head and neck into Gabriel's upper chest, a rare gesture of affection and trust. Gabriel stroked his spiky hair and wrapped an arm around his back, holding him without showing he needed more. He hated to breach Dean's territory. But he did want more, he wanted to be everything to Dean.
He continued on, lulling the human into a peaceful sleep. He couldn't understand why talking of Kali, why explaining his affection, lust and love towards her would ever in the slightest interest Dean. But he provided it because he asked for it. He would always be there to give.
The next night Dean went to bed early, not feeling so well. Gabriel cleaned up in the kitchen after cooking the both of them dinner. He had insisted early on that Dean eat home-cooked meals, no way was either one of them going out to get fast food. It gave them a chance to talk and since Gabriel liked food, he wondered if he would like cooking just as much. He loved cooking for Dean. And he could always use it as an excuse for him to eat, saying he was insulted if he at least didn't try it. It was great and Gabriel could only hope that it would last.
When he finished cleaning up he retreated into the bedroom, the bed he shared with Dean. He wasn't surprised to see him awake, but he was blown away to find him staring straight at him, his hand moving off the bed slightly to offer to Gabriel. The human never showed anything like this before, normally thinking it a sign of weakness to admit he wanted Gabriel to lay with him. And Gabriel treated this as his sweetest reward. He turned off the light and climbed into bed next to Dean, taking his hand and then letting it go so he could better curl himself around him.
"You miss me?"
Dean didn't answer, just let Gabriel stroke his back. He knew one thing, he wasn't gonna take this for granted.
"Tell me something interesting."
He smiled at that, thinking of a million things and nearly saying half before Dean drifted off into oblivion. It was early and Gabriel didn't want to sleep, but leaving Dean wasn't an option. It was a gift he wouldn't give up for anything.
And it had been a good night. Dean had showed his appreciation of Gabriel.
The next night he was interested in Kali again, there was so much to tell. Then he wanted to know everything about his family, about leaving heaven and making Earth his new home. It was the night that Dean didn't ask for anything, too exhausted to speak, that Gabriel spoke about meeting him and Sam, his point of view on everything that happened between them. He stopped before he reached Sam's death and Castiel's corruption, Dean's wasn't asleep yet but he found something else to talk about: how life with Dean was happiness. Because it was, who gave a fuck if it was boring and slow sometimes. It was being around Dean that mattered.
And even though Dean didn't say a word he could practically feel the relaxation and happiness emanating from him. Even without Sam here, this was a good life too. The best he was gonna get and Gabriel was happy he could at least do something.
That was the last relatively good day before Dean slipped further into the darkness.
~Whatever you say it's alright
Whatever you do it's all good
Whatever you say it's alright~
"Dean. Dean, come on open the door. Let me in."
"Go away."
"I won't. I want to help. Just please, open the door.
"Thought you didn't want to push."
Gabriel sighed and dropped his head in his hands, falling to the ground slowly and leaning against the door, wanting to hear Dean's heartbeat. A faint reminder he was still there with him. He didn't want to push, but half the time he was scared to death that if he didn't, Dean would grow even farther away from him.
"You do know I need you too, don't you?"
He could almost see the human staring the door down, making a decision. Seconds later, it opened and Gabriel looked up from his position on the floor.
"Sorry."
He didn't help him up, just walked back inside and Gabriel followed him like a little puppy dog, sitting on the edge of the bed and watching Dean trying to get comfortable.
"You don't have to ask permission to lay down you know."
He laid down but didn't wrap his arms around the human like he usually did. He didn't want that. He could tell by the fact that he did lock him out, for however short a time period it was. Though it also proved that Dean wanted him around, needed him to be there.
"I'm here, Dean. Let me in."
"You don't want to be in."
Dean turned away and Gabriel could sense the tears unshed in his eyes, the way he wanted to crawl up into Gabriel and ignore everything around him. The way he won't let himself do that.
The previous archangel shut the light off and stared at the human's back for the rest of the night. A constant reminder of the temptation that just wouldn't go away.
GxG
"I just want you to know I'll love you no matter what. That won't change, Dean. No matter how much you change."
Dean is lost to the land of the living, for the time being. He's been asleep for hours which means Gabriel has been awake for hours. He needs sleep but he doesn't take it, not with the figure lying beside him constantly haunting his mind. He swears Dean is like a ghost sometimes, there and then not there at the next moment. The words he rarely speaks are heard within him all hours of the day, he consumes them and stores them away. Because if he doesn't… if he doesn't he might have nothing left of him someday.
He wants to say the words above to Dean every second of every day, when he's awake of course. But his affectation and intimacy are limited. Mostly, he doesn't want to upset the only thing he cares about. The only thing this world has left to offer him.
"You can't do anything that'll make me leave. I am eternal. I am your eternal."
He strokes Dean's arm slowly, in nonsense circles and random patterns that stretch on forever and down towards his waist. He doesn't stir, only breathes and it's calming, it's something he's so sure won't be there someday. Maybe even the next morning. And of course, he can't calm down when he thinks about that. There will no sleep tonight, Dean is all-consuming. He wants Dean to be all-consuming.
He wants to tell the human lying under him, so close and yet so far, that he wishes he would let him in. Just open up his heart and let him dive into its depths and swim in his soul forever. But Sam possesses that part of Dean and he always will. Even in death.
"I love you."
He knows Dean will never know it no matter how many years, months, days, or hours come to pass. That is eternal in itself.
GxG
Snippets of conversations are the most of what he remembers. Words spoken and the words that had played inside his head, never spoke, never heard by anything other than his own now fragile mind. The only actions he carries inside him are the lack of touch and the abundance of it. Searing pain and comfortable temptation. His arms around Dean's painfully vulnerable body, and his arms being pushed away when they become too much for the human. He needs to stop calling Dean a human, not that he isn't. Just that he's a human now too. Just the fact that it means nothing compared to Dean now in his life, is a presence that won't depart, telling him and driving him insane with it every day, that Dean is everything. And sometimes he's nothing at all.
GxG
"Do you miss being an archangel?"
Gabriel shrugged, "Sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could do more."
"You do enough", Dean mumbled contentedly.
Gabriel shook his head but made sure Dean didn't see, he wished he could do so much more. Taking care of Dean was the only thing that mattered now, and he was afraid he couldn't even do that. At least the human knew he was doing something.
He fell for Dean, at a time when heaven was more in chaos than ever before. Ever since his death, he remained there because it had been home in his earlier years. He had wanted to taste it again. But when Dean had proved to be alone, he went down there because he had watched over him for years. And he couldn't do it up in heaven anymore, not effectively anyway. He prepared himself for the anger, frustration and hatred. But it wasn't there, wasn't found in the human when he arrived. Maybe Dean could sense his newfound humanity, or maybe he just didn't care about anything anymore.
It became more and more the latter.
"I want to take you away. Let me take you home."
Dean didn't ask where home was, just blindly followed Gabriel, who completely ignored himself and his needs. He fed his wants, for Dean to be happy, but his adjusting to being a human was neglected. He didn't have time for that anyway, Dean would turn out to demand his attention and presence without asking. Because more than anything, Gabriel didn't want him to ask, that wasn't who Dean was. And he knew what he was getting himself into, he had known all along. And it still didn't stop him.
"Is this home?"
"Yes Dean, this is home."
They trudged inside the one level stark white house, adorned with a spacious patio and several olive trees. In the heart of suburbia. Dean took a few minutes to explore despite how tired he looked, how tired they both were. He took everything in all at once, the moderately sized living room to his left that led to a small office, the kitchen and dining room to his right. And then walking farther into the house, the huge bedroom and bathroom, and an extra room nearly twice the size of the bedroom that Gabriel planned on using to store books and other items, like a library. Dean left after seeing the bedroom to go sit out on the porch, while Gabriel unpacked before joining him out there himself.
"It's nice."
"You like it?"
Dean nodded, "Yeah, it's perfect."
Gabriel had beamed that day, thinking there was nothing better in his now mortal life than to hear Dean say he liked his new home. Because Gabriel had worked so hard, too hard, to make everything perfect. He had painted the walls and adorned it with furniture, and it still needed some work but that hardly mattered, it could wait. Dean liked it and he would stay, they both would stay. They could live here and start again, make their own lives. He would do whatever it took.
To be continued…