Osaka Goes To Candy Mountain
By AnimeDutchess
A/N: May any and every deity help me…okay, has anyone here ever seen the video on YouTube about the unicorn named Charlie who goes to Candy Mountain? Well, my friends and I are obsessed with it. OBSESSED. To the point where we wanna freak my brother out by quoting it. And the funniest part? My brother's name is Charlie.
Anyway, I was just practicing my freaky unicorn talk when I got to thinking…What if Osaka went to Candy Mountain? Well, it sure won't turn out like the video, no sir!
So, yeah. Here's the oneshot! Please excuse my horrible interpretation of Osaka's accent in the anime…I was saying the words aloud myself and trying to make 'em sound like her…I think I failed miserably, though…
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Disclaimer: I don't own Azumanga Daioh because I'm not cool enough. I don't own the Charlie Goes to Candy Mountain video…but damn, I wish I had a copy of the audio…in fact, I own nothing. Ain't it great?
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"Osaka!"
"Wake up, Osaka!"
"…Mmm…" Ayumu 'Osaka' Kasuga snuggled deeper into her folded arms. Someone was shaking her, trying to take her away from her nice dream about the pirate-ninjas…or was it the ninja-pirates?
"Come on, Osaka, wake up! It's important!" Important? Like, life threatening important? Osaka lifted her head and opened her eyes halfway. There stood Chiyo-Chan Mihana and Tomo Takino, two of her close friends. They were dressed in their pink winter uniforms, which was odd, because wasn't summer break starting in a few days? Osaka could feel that her sleeves were long as well, and she wondered when exactly she had changed her clothes.
"Oh…hey, guys." She slowly looked around, and noticed that the classroom was empty. "Uh, whut's wrong? Is the school burnin' down?" Chiyo and Tomo laughed, wide grins forming upon their faces.
"No, Osaka," Tomo said, dragging out the words slightly.
"We found a map," Chiyo said, also dragging out her own speech, "A map to Candy Mountain. Candy Mountain, Osaka!" Osaka blinked. Even with her spacey tendencies, she'd never thought up something as…weird…as a mountain made of candy. But she was tired. Very tired. Sleep sounded better than Candy Mountain.
"Oh, that's nice," She said, lowering her head, "Ah'm just gunna go back t' sleep now…"
"Noooo!" Tomo and Chiyo jumped on top of her, grabbing her in fierce bear hugs. The spacey girl yelped in surprise. "Come with us, Osaka! To Candy Mountain!" Osaka struggled to speak.
"N-no thanks, Ah'd rather-" Tomo and Chiyo hugged her tighter. "Alraght, alraght, I'll go t' Candy Mountain! Whut is it, anyway?" The two other girls let Osaka go, and she almost fell out of her seat from the shift in balance.
"Candy Mountain!" Chiyo said, her voice getting creepier by the minute, "It's a land of hope, and wonder, and joyfulness…" Tomo then spoke, her voice also rather frighteningly sweet.
"Candy Mountain, Osaka!"
Now, a normal person would've figured out that something was wrong the moment they woke up. I mean, you're not in what you knew you were just wearing, your friends squeeze you to death and have these creepy voices, and they keep mentioning something called 'Candy Mountain'? I mean, you're either dreaming or high. Well, Osaka was just figuring out that something was amiss. She raised one eyebrow, a frown on her face, and she used the only ounce of basic logic she had. Oh well, there goes that perfect score she could've got in her college entrance exams…
"Yah guys do know that there's no such thing as Candy Mountain, right?"
Oh. Maybe that wasn't the best question to ask.
Chiyo and Tomo seemed to freeze for a moment. Their eyes then slowly started to change from gleaming lights of happiness to darkening pools of scorn.
"Shuuuunnn…" Tomo said, her mouth twisting the words in that sweet, drippy voice. "Shun the non-believeeerrrr…"
"SSSSSHHHHHHHHuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…" Chiyo dragged out the word in such a way that Osaka felt shivers run down her spine. She gulped; things were getting worse than those summer horror stories…
"Alraght, alraght, Ah'll go t' Candy Mountain with yah!" She exclaimed in a very un-Osaka-ish way. The other two didn't seem to notice, however, since they cheered in their success of having Osaka join them in their journey. Chiyo grabbed Osaka's left hand, while Tomo took the right, and they pulled her out of her seat. They proceeded to drag her out of class, down the hall, and out to the front of the school, and there stood…
"Mister Kimura?!?" Osaka exclaimed, her eyes bulging out of their sockets. For, this…creature, so to speak, had the head of their 'beloved' perverted teacher, but had the body of a long-extinct Tyrannosaurus Rex, the tail of a raccoon, and the feet of a chimpanzee. His little T-Rex arms were moving up and down spastically like he'd just drank eight cups of coffee and downed thirteen cans of Red Bull just for the heck of it. He was gargling something, but Osaka couldn't understand him.
"Osaka!" Tomo and Chiyo exclaimed, turning to the dazed girl.
"…Whut?" She turned to them, a dumbfounded look on her face. Chiyo pointed to the Kimura creature.
"Look, Osaka!" Osaka turned to the gargling monstrosity.
"Ah'm lookin' Chiyo-Chan…but, whut'm Ah lookin' at?"
"It's a Kimura-don!" Tomo replied, her eyes comidically in an 'X' above her mouth; her nose seemed to disappear. "A magical Kimura-don! It shall show us the way!" The 'Kimura-don' in question had paused in gargling, and was staring right at the three girls. Its mouth opened…
"GAAAAAAAAAAH, HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS, GAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!" He then went back to gargling. Chiyo and Tomo gasped, their eyes wide with amazement.
"It has spoken!" Chiyo exclaimed, throwing her arms up into the air. Tomo imitated her.
"It has shown us the way!" She added. Osaka just stared at them.
"Ah…it didn't say nuthin' important," She replied. Tomo and Chiyo slowly turned their heads to face her, and for a minute, the Osakan girl thought they'd pull an Exorcist and make their heads go 360 degrees. The just grinned and grabbed her arms again, pulling her past the Kimura-don and towards the street, where Miss Yukari was waiting…
…In the dreaded Yukari-Mobile. Oh, how fate was cruel.
"N-n-no! Ah…Ah don't wanna go in there!" She exclaimed, but Tomo and Chiyo just grinned and shoved her in there first, then jumped in next to her. Yukari looked at the three girls in the rearview mirror.
"Where to, girls?" She asked, a manic glint in her eyes.
"Candy Mountain!" Osaka's 'companions' exclaimed, throwing their arms up again. Since Chiyo was sitting right next to Osaka, her arm smacked the spacey girl right in the nose.
"Ow!" Osaka rubbed her little nose to try and make the pain go away. She didn't notice Yukari's crazed grin as she slammed her foot on the gas and started careening down the road. Osaka looked to her left and was shocked; Tomo and Chiyo were actually calm. In the Yukari-Mobile. They sat silently with their hands in their laps, looking straight ahead and smiling as if they were in Miss Kurosawa's car and headed to Chiyo-Chan's summer home.
"…Osaka!"
Osaka flinched, knowing that even in this kind of situation, Tomo would always break the silence. "Whut?" She asked, nervous. A pause. Then…
"We're in the Yukari-Mobile, Osaka!" Chiyo exclaimed. Osaka sighed. Things were just getting too weird…
"…Maybe ah should just go along with it all…" Osaka muttered under her breath.
Screech!
The white death trap came to a halt in front of Mount Fuji. How they got there that fast, Osaka would never know, but she really didn't care as Tomo and Chiyo dragged her out of the car. They stood in a line in front of the ancient mountain, the tires of the Yukari-Mobile squealing as their bizarre Language teacher sped away.
"Yay, we're at Candy Mountain!" Tomo exclaimed. Chiyo jumped for joy.
"Candy Mountain, yay!" Osaka raised one of her eyebrows. She pointed to the mountain and looked at the two girls.
"But…ain't that Mount Fooji?" She asked. The two other girls shook their heads.
"No, look closely! It's Candy Mountain!" they said at the same time. Osaka slowly turned her head to look at the mountain, and she gasped, drawing her finger back in surprise.
What was once Mt. Fuji was now a pile of candy miles high. There was a base of multi-colored gum-drops, followed by gummi bears and gummi worms. Then pieces of chocolate bars, peppermints, licorice sticks, and pocky. Pixie Stix powder covered the top of the mountain like snow, and the air around them smelled sweet and delicious. Osaka's jaw dropped.
"Wow…" She said in a hushed voice, "Ah…Ah guess there really IS a Candy Mountain…"
"We told you!" Tomo exclaimed, grinning. Chiyo nodded, pointing to a gap in the gum drops Osaka had overlooked before.
"Go in the cave, Osaka! The magical Candy Cave! Candy Cave, Osaka!" The prodigy raved. Osaka blinked, then frowned.
"No way. Ah already came t' yah Candy Mountain, Ah ain't goin' in any caves."
"Oh, but you must, go, Osaka," Tomo said, "Or you'll make the Candy Singers sad!" Osaka blinked and looked at Tomo.
"The Candy Singers?"
"Yes!"
"You'll make us sad!"
"So very sad!"
"So go on!"
"Go into the cave!"
Five shadows jumped from the top on the mountain and landed in front of them. Osaka jumped, startled.
"Oh my Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" She exclaimed in English. "Who are all you people?" The five people walked out from the shadows to reveal…
"C!" Yomi exclaimed.
"A!" Sakaki added.
"N!" Kaorin yelled, shuffling close to Sakaki.
"D!" Chihiro shouted.
"Y!" Minamo Kurosawa made her appearance last.
"We are the CANDY Singers!" They all said together. Osaka's eye twitched.
"Eh…right…"
"Yay!" Tomo and Chiyo shouted, clapping like mad. The CANDY Singers started to do some catchy dance moves. Tomo and Chiyo tried to follow along, yet they were always two steps behind. Osaka just stared on as the five women started to sing.
"Oh, we welcome you to
Candy Town, the sweetest town
You've ever been around
It's a kickass life in Candy Town,
The sweetest place
You've ever been around!"
They bowed, and turned on their heels, disappearing in a shower of sparkles. Osaka rubbed her eyes.
"Did…did that just happen?" She asked. Chiyo and Tomo just nodded.
"Hah!"
Kagura had jumped off the top of the mountain, clad in an oversized crown and a robe big enough to cover two refrigerators.
"I am the king of Candy Town!" She shouted. Tomo immediately seemed to turn back to normal, for she started to chase Kagura around the mountain.
"Hell if you are!" She shouted as she chased after her rival.
Well, after all this, a normal person would walk all the way back to the classroom they woke up in and just go back to sleep. But, of course, Osaka isn't normal. She walked towards the cave.
"Well, Ah guess if yah all say that I should go into the cave, Ah should." Chiyo cheered.
"Yay! Goodbye, Osaka!" Chiyo shouted, waving goodbye. Osaka turned to face her, just a few feet from the mouth of the cave.
"Wait, goodbah? Whut-" Something snaked around Osaka's ankle, and she screamed as it dragged her into the pitch black cave as Chiyo just watched with a please look on her face. Something cut into her side, and…
Warning: Section deliberately not added for graphic content.
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Osaka fell out of her desk and woke up with a start. The class was standing around her, curious looks on their faces. Miss Yukari was among them, and she looked damn pissed.
"Osaka! Dammit, don't fall asleep in my class! Can't you wait until you get to Nyamo's? God!" Everyone went back to their seats, and Osaka sat up rubbing her eyes. She looked down. She was still in her summer clothes. There was no injury on her body, no Candy Mountain, no Kimura-don. She sighed in relief as she sat down in her seat again.
"Miss Osaka?" Osaka perked up and saw Chiyo, the real Chiyo, facing her, one arm resting on the top of her seat. "Miss Osaka, are you okay? You just fell onto the floor…you shouldn't even sleep in class, you know." Osaka blinked, and then nodded.
"Chiyo-Chan, can you promise me somethin'?" The pig-tailed girl nodded.
"Sure, Miss Osaka, what is it?"
"Just…never ask me t' go t' a place called Candy Mountain, okay? You'll get yah kidneys removed."
"…Huh?"
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A/N: …Geez, that was messed up. Seriously. Was anyone even laughing? Yeah, for fans of the video, I did change the events a lot, but I wanted it to correspond to the anime. Plus, I haven't watched the video in a while…my parents want me offline until the SATs are over, but they'll be over by the time this is posted…so, yeah. Love it, hate it, whatever. Reviews are loved. Thanks for reading, Ja Ne! –AnimeDutchess