Dear Ash

By Kawaii Cherry Blossom

Dear Ash

It's been five days since you left. Five days, seven hours, thirty-three minutes. Not that I've been counting. Things are pretty quiet around here, or maybe they're just the same as before and it's just me that's changed. I am writing this letter because I was too afraid to tell you how I really felt when I had the chance. That's stupid, I know. We've been friends for so long and I can talk about anything with you, yet, I couldn't talk about this. I have never been able to. I heard a quote once - "sometimes people write the things they can't say". So, here I am.

When you turned up at my door that day, I had never been more thrilled. I hadn't seen you for four years before that, and I missed you more than you could ever know. Our days of travelling around together were the best years of my life. You changed me, you made me a better person, even though I was too stubborn to admit that to you. The thing is…I fell in love with you the day I pulled you out of that river. Of course, I didn't know it at the time. In fact, for a long time I mistook any feelings I had for you as annoyance and hate. You were better than me in every way, and I hated that, so I would get so angry at you and I would always have to prove you wrong. Over time, and as we grew up, I started to realise that the burning I felt in my cheeks when I looked at you, or the passion that would overtake me when we argued wasn't hate, it was just the opposite - it was love.

This realisation caught me off guard. How could I be in love with my best friend? It couldn't happen, it was awkward and stupid and I hated it.

Love changes everything. Suddenly, I was completely self-conscious around you. I couldn't care less about what people thought of me, but around you, it was different. I wanted to be pretty and smart and a good person for you. My chest would tighten when you looked at me with those dark brown eyes, and I would have to quash the butterflies in my chest when you were close to me. Keeping this secret became unbearable sometimes, but you could never find out. We were just kids, after all, and I was sure that it was just something stupid like hormones and that in a few months it would all go away.

Well, it didn't go away.

Fast forward a few years and to the day my sisters called me back home to Cerulean City to take over the leadership of our Gym. I was more than devastated to leave you. The thought of being without you was unimaginable. You were more than just my best friend, you were the boy I loved. I felt like everything was falling apart that day, but somehow, you made it okay. See, I had been hiding the fact that I was in love with you for so many years because I knew you didn't share the same feelings. You were young, and you could care less about girls, but not only that - why would you have feelings for me? I was nothing special, I was just a tomboyish runaway from a town I didn't want to return to. Not without you anyway. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything without you. But that day, you gave me hope. You told me how much our friendship meant to you, and I saw something in your eyes that told me you would miss me as much as I would be missing you. But sometimes life gets in the way of what we want. I left you behind that day and spent every day since missing you. I wondered what you were doing, who you were with, whether you had found a new travelling partner to replace me. I tried to get in contact with you a few times but it was difficult - I had no idea where you were. Then, I finally got to meet up with you and Brock, and I met May and Max. Boy…I really wanted to hate May, just because I would have given anything to be standing where she was standing. But, she was so great, and I just couldn't. I had to face the facts that you had moved on, you certainly didn't belong to me, and I would just have to get over it. So I said goodbye to you once again and returned to my life.

Time passed quickly at the Gym; I was incredibly busy every day and admittedly I used my work as a distraction, to take my mind off of the void in my heart, the part of it that belonged to you. Never did a day pass where I didn't think of you though. I saw you once more after that, but then…nothing. For four years, the only contact we had were a few postcards. Each time I would receive one my heart would leap, because it meant you were thinking about me. But, I doubted you were thinking of me as much as I was thinking of you.

Each time I would pick up a paper or turn on the TV, there you were. You had gotten so good, not that I was surprised - you were everything I knew you would be, and you had so much more to give. I knew you wouldn't stop until you achieved your dream, and I was so proud of you.

Still, over the four years I didn't see you I carried my love for you like a weight on my shoulders. My sisters tried to get me to date, they said I was wasting my life away, but I couldn't let go of you. I compared everyone to you, and there was no comparison, because there is no one in the world like you, Ash. You are one of a kind, and you were the only one I wanted…

I answered the door last Tuesday just like I did every other day, expecting it to be yet another cocky young trainer wanting a battle. When I swung the door open and found you standing there, I could hardly believe my eyes. There you were, same bright eyes, same childish smile; you were taller than me now, but you still had that same unruly mane of hair. I stood there gaping at you, I don't know how long for. My senses were rendered useless, I could barely move. Then, you pulled me into an embrace and I knew everything was going to be okay. You were back with me and that was all that mattered. As I stood wrapped up in your arms, all of those feelings I had for you came rushing to the surface. Even in your absence, nothing had changed - I still loved you as much as I always had.

I had never felt happier as I did those next two days. Just being in your presence made me smile, a real smile - something I hadn't been able to do in a long time. You told me of all of your adventures in Sinnoh and Isshu and I listened intently, enjoying the way your eyes sparkled with enthusiasm as you explained how you battled valiantly and fought off Team Rocket. I was so comfortable with you I felt like we had never been apart. But of course, as you returned, so did my awkwardness around you. The blushing, the butterflies, the inability to speak and make any sense, it was all there, and it was worse. As you had grown you had somehow acquired some sort of power over me, which rendered me useless under your kind stare, and your gentle touch.

That night, I sat across from you as we ate dinner at the restaurant, caught up in your gaze as you spoke of your plans for the future. You were leaving the next day, and I knew I probably wouldn't see you again for a long time. I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again…of being without you again, but what choice did I have? Our paths were separate. I couldn't leave the Gym, just like you couldn't give up on your dreams.

We walked home under the stars. It was cold, so you wrapped your arm around me to keep me warm. I leaned into you as we walked, content to let me cheeks burn unnoticed as you held me. Your touch sent waves of electricity through me, and I didn't ever want to leave your side. Too soon, you pulled away - we were at the Gym. You turned to face me and your eyes shone under the faint light of the stars. And then…it just…happened.

When we kissed, I felt like everything finally made sense, like my life had meaning - meaning which I had been searching for, for so many years. There you were, standing in front of me like I had always dreamt you would. I know people say that a kiss is just a kiss. Well, that's a lie. I never felt more alive than in that moment, when your lips touched mine, your hands brushed through my hair and you pulled me closer and closer. Nothing was ever more clear - I loved you, I loved you more than ever and I wanted to be with you more than anything. But…did this mean that you felt the same? At the same time as I was blissfully happy, I was completely confused.

I spent that night lying awake, my head spinning with thoughts and my heart yearning for you. I almost got up and went to you a few times, but I wanted to leave things in your hands. I knew how I felt, but I had no idea what you were thinking. So I lay awake through the endless hours of the night, contemplating every possibility. I must have fallen asleep at one point, for when I woke up the sun was in my eyes. I got up and went downstairs, only to find you waiting for me, your packed bag beside you.

I felt my heart break as I faced you. After what had happened between us, you were still leaving like this?

I begged you to stay, to talk to me about what had happened, to talk about us. You explained that I was your best friend, and I was the person closest to you in the world, but that it would be best if we just stayed friends. You said that you didn't regret what had happened between us, but that a relationship between us would not work. I stood there as you spoke, and then hugged me goodbye, and then walked out of the door, and out of my life once again. I said nothing, did nothing, and then you were gone. I stood there like a useless idiot, unable to speak, to tell you how I felt, to do anything to get you to stay. And then I fell apart. I didn't get it - how could you leave me so easily? Did you truly feel nothing for me? Or were you just afraid?

When you left, you took a part of me with you. I can't smile anymore, I feel empty, like a hollow shell of the person I used to be. With one kiss you had turned my life around, and with one word you had shattered my heart into a million pieces. Friends. I don't want to be friends. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I'm lost and I don't know what to do now. I know you have made up your mind, and I know that realistically, it makes sense. But I know that in your heart, you feel the same way as me. I saw it in your eyes and I felt it in the way you kissed me. You were never one to follow your head, Ash, you always follow your heart. I don't understand what has changed… I don't understand why or how you could just leave. Maybe I'm not enough for you. Maybe you've found someone else, and maybe she's ten times the person I am. I don't know, but the wondering is killing me.

I suppose I will go on with my life, just as I did after every other goodbye. But this one is by far the worst. Each day I will wake up and hope you will call me, but I will probably be disappointed. You are on another incredible adventure, after all, and I am just the girl you left behind.

I hope you know that you have changed my life in a big way, Ash Ketchum. You have made me a better person, and I hope that someday soon I will be able to look into your eyes and tell you that. But for now, I guess this letter will have to do…

I love you, Ash. And I just needed you to know.

Love, Misty

Hi, AAML fans. :) It's been a while since I have written an AAML. I have just been through a similar situation in my life and it helps me to write about it. It just seemed to fit for Ash and Misty. I also have Teneal to thank for the inspiration to write another AAML, even if this one doesn't have a happy ending. Or, maybe it does. I'll leave it up to you guys to decide whether Misty mailed the letter, and whether Ash went back to her. Perhaps I might even write a sequel if you guys want one? Well, let me know what you think of this anyway. Your comments mean a lot. :)

KCB