A/N: I heard this song today for the first time in a long time and since I'm overly obsessed with Shaman king, I decided to write a story about it.
Anyway, it's a sad story about Hao thinking about Yoh's death. At one point, he contemplates suicide…
Warning: nothing, it's just depressing. So only read this if you feel like reading something sad.
Disclaimer: I don't own shaman king, and I don't own the song. It's called "Yesterday" by Switchfoot. I think you should listen to it while you read this. Keep on repeat or something. It fits nicely with the story.
Just a drabble.
Yesterday
Flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you're free
I was nervous, but why should I be? I had every right to be in that funeral home along with the rest of the family… but that was the thing. The family was in there. Even you would understand that the peace of this solemn ceremony would be interrupted if I so much as let my presence be known. I gritted my teeth and tried a bit harder to hide my Furyoku.
You know it's not that I don't want to be there, to my pay my respects to you, I'd do anything to see you one last time before they buried you… but I can't go in there. Everything would be ruined if I did.
The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I'm alone for our last goodbye
But you're free
But somehow, I find the courage to walk up the steps and enter. At first, I could hear the whispers… the uncertainty of whether or not I was there to wreck havoc or not.
Of course I wasn't there to cause chaos. I was here to be respectful, to show that I cared… that I loved you.
The commotion dies down when they don't see me do anything rash. I think grandfather saw the look in my eyes, the broken look. I feel so broken, it's an ache inside my chest. I think grandfather sees it, the ache I'm feeling and all the pain.
'Hao misses Yoh.'
It's true, I do miss you. More than a brother should. I know that our relationship wasn't exactly… friendly. You were raised to kill me, even though it went against your beliefs, and I… had to defend myself. I didn't hate you Otouto, I loved you. Maybe what I did was too… rash. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry that you had to die, with that impression of me in your head.
Maybe if I hadn't done what I did, you would still be here. If I hadn't acted on my feelings of love, and instead confined it to just brotherly love. But you know me better than that. I can control everything except my own feelings. Or maybe, if we hadn't reached out to each other, if we simply stayed enemies, like we were supposed to.
I bring myself to look into the coffin. You look like your sleeping. I swear you would wake up any minute now and tell me that it was all a cruel joke. After all, you did love to sleep.
But the empty look in your eyes tells me that you are no longer alive.
Did you die that way, Yoh? It's a bad omen if you are buried with your eyes open. I reach out and gently caress your cold cheek. I reach out, and I bring your eyelids down over your eyes. Now you can rest in peace.
And that's all I do. I can feel the eyes on my back now, it's time for me to go. You would understand that I can't stay here too long or something bad will happen.
"Goodbye Yoh. You're free now."
And I turn to leave.
I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone, oh...
I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
And until I'm with you, I'll carry on
Sometimes, when I'm watching the stars, I think you are still under the same night sky. Because it feels so surreal with you gone. I just can't believe it.
I swear it was only yesterday that we had coffee together, or that we star gazed or even cloud watched. It's just…
I miss you.
I wonder if you're at peace now. I wonder where you are right now. Are you with the great spirit? Are you still on Earth? If you are, why can't I find you?
I wonder… if I die too, can I be with you again?
Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless, numb, and sore
A part of you in me is torn
And you're free
Fire is my element.
That's why I dislike water so much. And you know that about me, don't you?
I float on the water and think about where you are now. The sky's dark again and I see the stars. I always seem to think about you when the stars show themselves… why is that? The waves wash over me. Floating like this, I feel weightless, but I'm still sore. That aching in my chest is still there, it's been there for months.
The aching has been there for so long, that I feel broken inside. I'm a wreck, and I admit that. But you knew that I would turn out like this, didn't you? You knew that by dying, you'd be leaving everything and everyone behind, including me… and you'd ruin me.
See? I'm all alone now. I have no followers, and I have given up on everything. All it's all because of you. I'm not blaming you or anything though. Besides, it's not that much of a bad thing…
If only I could feel numb… then I wouldn't… I shake my head, clearing it of bad thoughts. I'm weightless right now, I wonder, do you feel weightless? You're free of your body, so technically, you're weightless now, right?
I wonder what it's like to be really weightless.
I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still had life
In me
The dream had been so… vivid. So… real.
Your touch… I still felt it on my cheek. You caressed my cheek as softly as I had yours, that day at the funeral home. Tell me Yoh, were you here as a spirit? Did you enter my dream to tell me to live on?
I wonder again… I seem to wonder about a lot lately… why is it that we can't be together? If we weren't allowed to be together while we are alive, why wont' you let me join you in death?
I grunt to myself. You should know that I'm no stranger to death. I have already died twice. What different does a third time make?
I'll carry on
Maybe I'll live a little longer, just for you.
Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
So long my friend, so long
It's been a year, you know? I'm sitting up here because I need to wait for your family to leave first… they let me intrude on your funeral, but I don't think they'd like it very much if I was around your grave while they were here.
As they finally depart, I jump down and make my way to your gravestone. The words that are engraved makes everything seem so… sad. It's a gray slab of stone, and it's supposed to mark your final resting place. I frown. Gray doesn't suit you… you were more cheerful than a colour like gray. You were orange.
I bend down and sit in front of the stone, wondering again if your spirit was anywhere near here. I think you really did visit me that night in my dreams… but that had been a long time ago. Since then - no, since you died - I've been mourning. And I always remember how much I love you when I do…
Has it really been a year? It feels like it was just yesterday… it really does.
I see that the sky has darkened, and that I've been here for longer than I should be. I stand and bow, saying goodbye to you again. As I turn to leave, I can feel the presence of a ghost behind me - not unusual, I am in a cemetery after all - but I know it's not just any spirit.
"Hao."
I stop walking and smile to myself. I don't turn around though, if I did, I don't think I would be able to leave.
"So long Hao, so long."
A/N: What'd you think?
Hmm.. is it just me, or did anyone else, really want to give Hao a big hug throughout that? Not only that, I almost made Hao ask Yoh if he wanted to be his spirit guardian. Damn it, why didn't I?
I seem to have written a lot today! :s
Well, please review!