You Are My Heart
I sat by Youji's bedside, watching the rise and fall of the sheets. The movement from them was the only sign that my team member was still alive; he was so still. I sighed heavily as the guilt pressed around me even more heavily. I knew I was responsible for his being in this state. I should have been lying in that bed; better yet, I should have died. I sighed again and got out of the chair to stretch my legs, which had fallen asleep from sitting so long.
I found myself wandering around his room, looking at the tiny amount of belongings he had accumulated. On the shelf, I saw a stack of CD's and picked up the top one. I looked at it for a moment and decided to put it on. I thought that maybe Youji would feel a bit better hearing something familiar; something other than my voice whispering in his ear, softly calling him back from wherever he had disappeared. I dropped the disc into the radio and pressed random. A moment later, a young girl's voice was coming out of the speakers. I went back to my chair, wearily slumping my shoulders and hiding my face in my hands. Once again, a heavy sigh escaped me uncontrolled, as did a single tear. Somehow another tear followed and then another. Before I know it, I was weeping for the first time since my sister's accident. I'm sorry, Youji. I've failed you, just as I have my sister. How can you ever forgive me? A part of my brain picked up on the lyrics and I was transported back a few months ago, when we had attempted a relationship.
How did I ever get to here
Why do I need you
Why do I have to cry these tears
Where do they lead to
I used to be so strong alone
When I was standing on my own
Now I don't know what to do
Was I too proud or just too blind
What does it matter
When love was in these hands of mine
I let it shatter
The pieces scattered to the wind
I'll never have them here again
But I'll remember how we were
The rest of time
/Youji's skin was so soft, so unlike my fingers calloused by holding my katana one too many times. My fingers slid up his back and through that golden-brown hair as we kissed. We snuggled under the sheets, my head on his chest. I could hear his heart beating and suddenly nothing else mattered to me. I knew that if my sister never woke up and I had to visit her everyday that at least Youji would still be there. I whispered, "Aishiteru, Youji." He kissed my forehead and repeated the sentiment before he drifted off into a light doze. The contentment from him seeps into me and I closed my eyes, dropping off into sleep like my koi.
You are my heart
How could I ever let you go
You are my soul
I had to lose my soul to know
How much you mean
To me, you are my heart
A few weeks later, we were in Youji's room again. The only bad thing was the fact it wasn't on friendly terms. His body was quaking in anger and an urge to sweep me in his arms, to make me change my mind. I shook my head and swallowed down tears. "Youji, I...I...this isn't working. Yes, I still care about you. More than I do about myself. I... don't know what I want right now. I don't want to... put you through this right now. I don't want to make you clean up after my emotional messes. Look, I'm sorry. I care, I truly do..."
"Bullshit, Aya. You never cared and I probably only scratched the surface of the ice. Go back and watch over your precious sister. Apparently that's the only thing you're capable of caring about. Just get out!," Youji finished wearily. He turned his back on me and I heard him lighting a cigarette while he looked out the window. "Dammit, Aya! Leave me alone!" As I walked out the door, I thought I heard a muffled sob come from him. I ignored it, continued playing my part, and shut the door. I walked away feeling as if I had just left part if myself back in that room; I was sure I had.
I think I see you everywhere
Isn't that crazy
I still reach out to feel you there
Lying beside me
I've learned a lot since you've been gone
About what I am and what I want
I know I only want to be in love with you
I shook my head, in disbelief that Omi and Ken had forced Youji and I to work together for this mission. Omi said it was because of the high number of guards; Youji and I were better suited to a large number of opponents. I couldn't argue with his logic, so I nodded and asked what we had to do. We walked through the corridor, which was a bit too silent. All of a suddenly we heard a safety being pulled down and brought out our weapons. The guards kept coming, so we kept laying them down on the floor in front of us. As we fought, Youji went in one direction to secure one door and I went in the opposite to get the other door. We were fine - for the space of about a few heartbeats.
The door Youji had decided to cover was ripped off the hinge and more guards flooded into the room. He seemed to be doing fine one moment, but the next I heard him cry out my name as one of the guards shot him. I don't remember getting to the other side of the room. All I remember was the impact of my katana as it connected with flesh, the slippery feel of blood, and the sound of bodies hitting the floor. The metallic odor of blood assaulted my nose and the thought of Youji loosing his caused me to fight even harder.
I radioed Omi and told him to finish it as Youji was injured and I was taking him back to the Koneko. I knelt down next to Youji and nearly cried out when I saw the damage done. His navy outer coat was crimson from the wound on his torso. His breathing was shallow at best and he was unconscious. I picked him up as gently as I could so as to not disturb the wound. I got him into his jeep and took off as fast as I could.
When we got to the Koneko, Omi and Ken were waiting. I carried Youji to his room where Omi and Ken took care of the injury. I knew if I tried to help, I would do more damage, as I was so agitated. I could not stop pacing his room and nearly jumped out of my skin when Omi touched my arm to let me know that Youji was going to be fine and that was he asleep recovering. I nodded, too unsure of what I might say./
You are my heart
How could I ever let you go
You are my soul
I had to lose my soul to know
How much you mean
To me, you are my heart
"Youji? I know you're in there somewhere. Please, you need to get better and wake up. Omi and Ken are worried about you; the girls don't come around as much. And, as much I have trouble vocalizing my feelings, I need you. More than anybody else I think. I realized I made a big mistake by pushing you away. Please, Youji. Ai…Ai…shiteru, forever," I whispered. I stood up from my seat in the chair and moved to the bed, where I moved Youji into my arms.
I kissed Youji's forehead softly and rocked the other man, softly whispering and crying, "Please, Youji… please. I need you." I must have fallen asleep holding my koi, exhausted from keeping my bedside vigil.
A light tough on my face woke my up immediately. I looked down to see Youji, smiling faintly. His eyes still held that same sparkle that drew me in from the start. But, his arm was trembling from the strain of reaching to touch my face after not moving after a period of a week and a half. I slid down to make it easier for him and lightly touched my lips to his.
"I was floating and I heard a lot of voices. Asuka was there; she was telling me not to die because I wasn't ready to see her again. I heard Omi talking about school; Ken about how good his kids are getting at the new technique he showed them. I didn't want to come out, even when I heard them. I almost let myself fade before I heard you, Aya. You were calling me back; nobody's ever needed me. I've always been the one-night stand guy. You were offering me what I truly wanted. Thank you for calling me back," Youji finished with his throat a bit hoarse.
"How can you ever forgive the way I acted, though? I was a total bastard; how can you still love me? I'm sorry if I was selfish for calling you back. But, I want to try again, for real this time. I realized that the night of the mission that I wanted to tell you since I knew it was very dangerous. I never got that chance and you got hurt because of my stupidity. I don't deserve you…"
"Aya, shut up. I forgive you and what's more – Aishiteru also. So, please don't leave me again. Will you stay with me?" Youji looked up at me with hopeful eyes and I could not deny him both his and our happiness. He sighed happily as I snuggled next to him and we both fell asleep.
You are my heart
How could I ever let you go
You are my soul
I had to lose my soul to know
How much you mean
To me, you are my heart