Dimly, Olivia heard a knock at the kitchen door. Music filled the farmhouse. It thumped through surround sound speakers Natalia reluctantly had allowed her to install, but she still heard it. How could she not? The last time she'd heard that sound it had ushered in the day. Today. The worst day of her life. Each knock made her wince. She slid down farther into the couch and took a long drink of the beer she was holding. Please, just stop, she silently pleaded with the knocking.
"Hello? Olivia?" a voice came in. Olivia groaned at the sound of the familiar voice and poked at the remote control in her hand. The music grew louder. She wondered why people thought they could just walk right into her house, and more importantly why the door was never locked.
"What the hell? Olivia!" the woman called loudly as she entered the room, a bag in one hand and a disapproving look on her face. The music was very loud and they could both feel the beat thrumming through their chests. Doris looked around for the stereo, but was distracted by the look of Olivia slumped far down in the couch with bare feet propped up on the coffee table which was littered with beer bottles. Gone was the little black dress from earlier in the day. The minute she got back to the farmhouse she'd thrown on the oldest, most comfortable jeans and t-shirt she owned and covered them both with a fuzzy robe that made her feel warm and almost comforted.
"Go away, Doris," Olivia grumbled. The words shifted Doris's eyes from Olivia's form and she finally saw the stereo. She walked over to it and turned it down until it was barely audible. The mayor gritted her teeth against the jealousy that rose up in her because Olivia still looked as sexy as hell in a bunch of worn out clothes. Someone had told her once that Olivia even looked sexy the day after her heart transplant. Doris was skeptical about that one, but now she believed it.
"Hey, I was listening to that," Olivia said, her words slow and slightly slurred. "That was Led Zeppelin. You can't just turn off Going to California like that. It's like turning off… you know, good stuff." She blinked slowly. "Why are you here, Doris? Go away."
"I only turned it down. Plus, I drove all the way out here to see how you are. I'm not leaving," Doris said firmly and pulled a six pack of beer from the bag she was holding.
Olivia perked up. "Oh!" she smiled and raised an eyebrow playfully. "You bring tidings of great beer. I'll allow you to stay if you share." She patted the couch next to her.
Doris frowned. "I probably shouldn't, but I can't imagine today's been easy for you." She reluctantly sat down beside Olivia and handed her a beer.
"Whatever do you mean, Doris? Today's been just wonderful!" She took a long drink of the cold beer. "There was Shayne and Edmund, and pizza, and even… did you know I'm a really good drummer? Yep." Another drink. "Best freakin' day ever."
"I was just down at the station. Frank was telling everyone who would listen about his engagement to Natalia." Doris gave Olivia a sidelong glance, wanting to see past the sarcasm, hoping Olivia would let her in. The woman needed someone right now and Doris knew she was a poor choice, but she wanted to help. God knew no one was ever there for her when she had woman issues.
"Oh that," Olivia tried to say nonchalantly, but her voice quavered slightly. "Well, you know, I'm happy for her. She'll be happy with the Coopers. I mean, who doesn't want their best friend to marry a great man and live happily ever after. If there's one thing Sex in the City taught us, it's that getting married is awesome!" Olivia gave Doris a thumbs-up with her right hand and finished the beer in her left.
"Cut the sarcasm, Olivia. Natalia might sit there and take it from you, but I'm here to try to help, and I know you're full of shit."
Olivia sighed and looked down at the empty bottle in her hand. "No, she doesn't take it from me either," she said quietly. "It hurts her when I do it. Apparently it's… mean."
"Then why do you do it?" Doris asked, truly curious.
Olivia replied defensively, "It's who I am. Sarcastic, sexy, seductive… straight." She paused, and when she continued her voice sounded deflated. "That's who I am. That's all I know."
"Well, that may be," Doris said after observing Olivia's sad, downcast face for a long moment. "But change is a part of life. I'd think you'd know change pretty well by now. How many times have you been married?" Olivia shot her a quick warning glance. Doris raised a hand in defense, "I'm just saying. Things change. Things we have no control over."
"I have control issues," Olivia said with a grumble and reached for another beer.
Doris laughed, "That is something we most definitely have in common, Olivia Spencer," she said and tipped her beer toward Olivia's for a toast. Olivia chuckled reluctantly and toasted.
"Dr. Phil would have a field day with us."
"No, Dr. Phil would be scared of us," Doris said seriously before they both broke down into laughter.
"Ah, it's funny 'cause it's true," Olivia said with a smile and small shake of her head after the laughter had subsided. The joke had eased a lot of the tension in the room and they both sat back sipping their beer, listening to Led Zeppelin swirl quietly in the background. Doris finally broke the silence by saying, "Don't let her marry him."
"What?" Olivia had heard, but didn't know how to respond.
"You said she almost kissed you, right? You told me that the other day when you found me down at the courthouse."
Olivia nodded.
"But…"
"No. No buts. If she almost kissed you, then she shouldn't turn around and marry anyone before dealing with her feelings. Do you not agree? A friend wouldn't let that happen."
"I can't… I don't have control over her. I'm not her keeper."
Doris sighed in frustration. "Olivia, do you even begin to realize what a good thing you have here?" She waved her hand around, "This house, this relationship you two have… you might as well be married already." Olivia made a small sarcastic noise. Doris decided to change her tactics.
"Do you remember when I made that speech about Emma's presentation?" Olivia just looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Doris shook her head and leaned over to get a second beer. "Of course you do. Anyway, after I gave that speech people were falling all over themselves to tell me gossip about the two of you. There was one story in particular that I remember. A secretary of mine came to me like she had the biggest secret she'd ever known in her life. She sat me down and told me she'd seen you, Natalia, and Emma all at the grocery store. She said you were all in the cookie aisle arguing over cookies. Apparently you and Emma wanted double chocolate chip while Natalia was telling you both you should eat more vegetables."
Olivia laughed despite herself, she remembered the moment fondly. "We never did get those cookies."
"Yeah, my secretary told me that too. Apparently she was completely aghast over that part. The part where some woman actually told Olivia Spencer what to do. And she did it."
Olivia raised an eyebrow. "How did she even know me?"
"Small town." Doris shrugged.
"Well," Olivia shook her head, still a little confused, "regardless, what does a cookie-aisle argument have to do with anything?"
"Don't you see? No two people who are 'just friends' argue like that. And they most definitely do not skip the cookies and buy more vegetables because their friends scold them into it. And most definitely none of that happens to Olivia Spencer. Whether you like it or not, your relationship with Natalia has changed you. " She glanced over at Olivia who remained silent. "And I'm willing to bet my position as mayor that you like it."
Olivia frowned and put her beer on the coffee table. Suddenly, being drunk didn't seem like the best plan. She wanted to process all of this information quickly and clearly so she could explain it all away.
Doris watched her for a moment. "Can you really let her marry Frank without a fight?"
"Doris, I…" she ran both hands through her hair and grabbed her head for a moment in a desperate attempt to collect her thoughts. "But… but I like going to the cookie aisle with her," she said softly, her voice vulnerable.
Doris furrowed her eyebrows in concern and understanding, "I know," she said gently, "I'd like it too if I were you."
"I love her so much," Olivia said, barely audible. The realization of it all finally hit her full force and she leaned into her lap, covering her face with her hands.
"I know." Doris laid a hand on Olivia's back. Not moving, just a gentle hand to remind the woman she had a friend. For long moments they stayed in that position. Finally, Olivia raised her head.
"How is this so hard? Why is this so hard?"
"I don't know." Doris said in defeat. She wanted to help, but she was far from knowing all the answers.
Olivia took a deep breath and stood up. She began pacing slowly across the room, desperately attempting to bring her emotions and thoughts back to a rational level. "No, Doris. No. She has to marry Frank. She'll be happy with him and the Coopers. I can't take that away from her. They're a wonderful family. A real family. She deserves that. She's been through so much. I put her through so much."
"And you think you can't offer her happiness?
"No." Olivia shook her head, avoiding eye contact with Doris. "How? I was so awful to her for so long." Olivia looked stricken and sat back down on the couch. "Even if she has gotten over all that, and even if she cares for me now, I have nothing to offer her. I'm nothing more than a broken misfit alone in the world. The Coopers are such a strong family and they can give her everything she's ever wanted." Olivia looked up at the ceiling, trying with all her might to keep the tears in. "She tells me about how she dreamed of having a big family with Gus and how she pictured it all so perfectly with him. I don't fit into a picture like that. I can't give her that happy picture."
"You think you and Emma aren't enough to make her happy? Do you really think love and happiness are going to fall into her lap the moment she marries Frank?"
"What is this turning into? A Dr. Phil session?" Olivia questioned angrily, not wanting to answer the question, not wanting to even think about the answer.
"No. Because I'm not afraid of you, Olivia," Doris said seriously, not wanting Olivia to change the subject. "Stop being afraid of yourself."
Before Olivia could respond, a sound came from the kitchen.
"Olivia? Are you home?" It was Natalia.
Olivia looked around wildly and guiltily. Beer bottles were strewn everywhere and she'd sobered up enough to know that wasn't going to be accepted with open arms by Natalia.
"Shit." Olivia muttered and moved to stand up. She was just getting to her feet when Natalia walked into the room.
"Olivia! You're here! " Natalia said brightly as she walked into the room, her eyes trained directly onto Olivia. "I was worried because…" suddenly, she noticed Olivia wasn't the only one in the room. "Doris? Uhm, hello. What's going on here?" Her eyes roamed with confusion over all the beer bottles, over Doris, and finally landed on Olivia.
"Um, hey, Natalia. We, uh, Doris just came over to tell me about… Philip's trial. Right, Doris?" She flashed an innocent smile.
Doris looked like a deer stuck in headlights for a moment because they had most definitely notgotten around to talking about the trial even though that was one of the things Doris wanted to talk to Olivia about. She knew heads would roll when she found out about Emma's surprise appearance. However, she quickly covered. "Yes, I just wanted to give a little update since you and she thought it was important enough to come visit me about it last week."
"Uh huh," Natalia said suspiciously. "Well, thank you for that, Doris."
"Oh sure, sure." Doris laughed nervously. "It's all in a day's work." There was an awkward pause as Natalia started looking over the room again. "Well! I think I'll leave you ladies to your…" she waved a hand around, "whatever. It was nice talking with you, Olivia."
"Yeah, Doris. Nice." Olivia said with an uncomfortable smile and walked Doris swiftly out through the kitchen.
"You are so in trouble," Doris said in a whisper when they reached the door.
"I know. Go away!" Olivia replied a desperate whisper, pushing the woman out the door.
"Hey watch it!"
"Go!" Olivia hissed.
"You're even more married than I thought," Doris said with a small laugh as she walked out the farmhouse door.
Olivia closed the door and leaned against it for a moment, willing herself sober so she could face the woman in the next room. She took a few deep breaths and walked through the kitchen into the living room, attempting to seem like nothing was out of the ordinary.
She was greeted by the sight of Natalia sitting on the couch with an empty beer bottle in each hand. She'd clearly begun cleaning the mess because most of the bottles were pushed to one side of the table.
"Just how drunk are you, Olivia?" she said in a monotone voice without looking up at the other woman.
"Not so much anymore. It's been a long day."
"Yes, it has been." Natalia said quietly, dropping the two beer bottles onto the coffee table with a thud. "Why was Doris Wolf really here?"
"What do you mean? Just like she said, to talk about Philip's trial."
"And just what did she say about the trial?"
"Do we really have to talk about this? You know Philip isn't a favorite subject of mine." Olivia said, hoping against hope Natalia would agree to a change in subject because she didn't have the wildest clue how the trial had gone.
"Not if you don't want," Natalia said, her voice still strangely monotone. She stood up and began picking bottles up again. Olivia started to help her. Without making any further eye contact, Natalia started talking again. "I called Jane because I couldn't remember if I needed to pick up Emma or not. She told me you called and told her to keep Emma for the night… among other things."
"Well, yeah, I had meetings schedule until late tonight, but…" her voice faltered.
"But what? But you canceled them all and got drunk with the mayor instead?" Natalia questioned, anger filtering into her voice. "Only you, Olivia! Only you would do that and not know where your daughter was all day."
"That is so unfair, Natalia. She was with Jane. I trust her and it's not like I leave Emma with her all day every day. Today was a special circumstance."
"Why? Why was today so special that you had to drink a hundred beers and get wasted off your ass?"
"I was celebrating?" she answered weakly. She tried to smile sweetly, but it came across as a sad, nervous smile.
Natalia just closed her eyes and sighed. "Just help me clean this mess up. If you can do it without falling over."
The two women quietly carried bottles into the kitchen, words unspoken lingering in the air.
When the living room looked clean again, Olivia started to move to the stairs. She wanted nothing more than to run away right now. She needed the comfort of her bed and solitude. The awkward silence between her and Natalia was too becoming too much for her and she felt tears starting to form in her eyes. She was just sneaking away when Natalia broke the silence, "Where are you going Olivia?"
"Uh, upstairs. I figure I might need some rest. Big day and all."
Natalia ignored the quip. "No, I need you to sit down here with me. We need to talk."