Warning: The story contains spoilers for season 2 and 3;
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the plot of Chicago Fire. I do not own the text taken directly from the show. This story is intended for fun only and I am not making any money with it!
A/N: "Italics" – memories.
A world without you
He didn't remember much. And he didn't want to remember…that building should have taken him as well, saved him all the pain…a black hole had opened up where his heart had used to be the minute…the minute her lifeless body had been taken away from him…and he was empty inside, unable to cry even…he saw the tear-stained faces of Truck and his Squad members, Gabby, Chief as two ME's loaded her body onto their rig and took her away…forever.
No…no…"NO!...Shaaay!" He yelled one final time before his legs buckled and he met the ground…strong arms helping him sit up, a male paramedic rushing in his direction with a bottle of water. He pushed the paramedic's hand away, the bottle landing a few feet away…nothing made sense…
"Kelly…" Casey whispered…with the corner of his eyes he saw Peter Mills being loaded onto another ambulance, Cruz and Otis hoping inside before it took off.
Severide lifted his gaze…his eyes focusing on his hands, covered in blood, her blood…had he found her a minute earlier…had he seen the propane tanks sooner…
"We need to go." Matt gestured for the paramedic to help him steady Kelly on his feet…then guided the Squad's Lieutenant to an awaiting ambulance, members of the house already there, sitting in dead silence…
"Gabby!" Antonio's voice sounded from a distance, and Matt knew his girl was in good hands. He directed his attention to his fellow lieutenant who seemed to be lost somewhere in another world, not registering people's sobs, the paramedic's questions, the commotion in the ER…
Pain…darkness…his other world…a world without her.
Xxx
Kelly woke up on the couch of his apartment the next morning, still in his Squad's shirt, his head hurting like hell…'hangover', was his first thought…then he spied Matt in the kitchen and he remembered…the memories hitting him like a train…yeah, Casey had driven him home late the previous night…had dragged him to the couch…
"Mild concussion" Matt repeated the doctor's words as he appeared with a bowl of cereal.
Kelly nodded, instantly regretting it. That explained the dizziness and throbbing pain. He used the table to push himself upright…without saying a world he headed for the stairs, but instead of going to his bedroom, he entered hers…empty…Devon gone…clothes all over the floor, laptop on the bed, a photo of them together in a bar…room so full of life and lifeless at the same time…his girl…he took the photo in his hands, eyes full of joy and energy staring at him…it shattered into million pieces when it met the opposite wall…he leaned his back against the cold bed frame and sat on the floor…and he finally cried…like never before.
Xxx
"I'm helping Megan with the arrangements." Chief added, having never imagined that he'd be planning a funeral a day after his wedding.
"If you need any help - "
"No…you…make sure Kelly stays in one piece. Can't lose him too."
"Yeah…" Matt nodded…unable to do anything to right the wrong. "Don't know what to do, Chief…"
"Be there for him, Matt…be there for the house. We're the leaders…"
"I hear you…"
"And how are you doing?"
Casey didn't respond immediately. Couldn't say the truth. Neither could Boden. Leaders. "Better than Severide."
"Yeah…I'll call you when I know more about the funeral."
Matt left his phone on the coffee table, then rubbed his tired eyes…should've taken one of those sleeping pills he had slipped Severide…
"DAMN - "
The pain-filled curse forced Truck's Lieutenant to pull it together. He knew where to find Kelly…not surprised Squad's Lieutenant had already sought comfort in Shay's 'secret' stash of Vodka…a quarter of the bottle already gone, broken glass scattered all over the floor…
"Won't help." Casey uttered as he took the alcohol away and sat down next to his friend.
"She's gone, man." Kelly bellowed, his mind already clouded by the alcohol after nearly a day of exhaustion and no food. "GONE!"
"I know…I know."
"Should've been me!
"No - "
"Should've been me, Matt! Shay - " Kelly's voice cracked, more tears flooding his eyes.
"We all know the risks." Casey reasoned, the words sounding somehow meaningless to him either. "Shay loved helping people."
"Don't…don't talk about her in past tense… This - " Kelly pointed the CFD logo on his shirt. "Too many lives…too many friends!"
"I know." There was nothing he could say to make things better. Nothing he could say to comfort his hurting friend. Mainly because he was feeling similar emotions. But he had to keep them at bay…
"C'mon, let's get you some clean clothes and a shower."
"No."
"Please…" Matt wasn't one to plead, but he was out of options. A shower would help…and knowing his friend well, Casey made a mental note to get rid of the alcohol in the apartment. "C'mon." He steadied Kelly as he stood up, Severide's dust-covered face desperately needing a bath…Matt directed him to his bedroom and into the bathroom, made sure hot water was running before he left Kelly alone and closed the door, then went on a search for clean clothes…
Xxx
It was quiet…so quiet…already dark outside. Kelly sat on his bed, watching the door…expecting her to burst into the room, laughing, dinner plans in mind…
Matt's voice coming from downstairs was a reminder…his girl was gone, been gone for a day already…felt like an eternity. Kelly got up, passing by her room on his way to the stairs…the door was closed, Matt…Shay only closed it when she had female guests…
He was halfway downstairs when he felt as if he couldn't breathe, too many memories…he didn't acknowledge the blonde lieutenant…instead looking for the keys…
"Antonio, will call you later." Matt ended the call and fixed his gaze on his confused friend.
Kelly paused, finally remembering that his belongings were safely stored in his locker at the firehouse. Matt must have used his spare key. It didn't matter…he had to get out of there now.
"Where are you going?" The question stopped him in his tracks. Casey wisely moved between his friend and the door, blue eyes staring at Kelly's.
"Out. Need to get out of here…get a drink."
"A drink's not the answer."
"Then what's the answer, Matt?! Everywhere I go I see her…keep thinking she would burst into laughter from somewhere telling me this is just a sick joke. A joke!"
"Not a joke - "
"I need a drink." Kelly bellowed as he brushed past his friend, Matt fast enough to grab Severide's arm and stop him.
"Why don't we go to my place?" It was the best solution Casey could think of. Frankly said, he wanted to leave the apartment as much as his friend did…too many memories. "Gabby's at Antonio's, and I think I've got beer."
"Need something stronger…"
"I've got stronger stuff." If it meant Kelly was somewhere safe…"C'mon…"
Xxx
The next morning Casey walked into the quiet Firehouse 51, then joined Herrmann, Otis and Cruz in the kitchen…took a sip of the strong coffee someone had made when a few unfamiliar faces joined them…Matt guessed, correctly, that they were there to replace Mills, Dawson, a relief lieutenant for Squad and...a second paramedic…because their Shay was gone.
"What time?"
"Huh?" Herrmann's question startled the blonde lieutenant.
"Tomorrow. The - " Christopher swallowed hard. "Funeral."
"Two o'clock." Matt responded, then rubbed his tired eyes, his fellow firefighters just as tired…the night spent at his place hadn't gone smoothly…Kelly seeking comfort in the bottle…had finally dozed off on the couch, tormented sleep, nightmares…Matt had given up on sleep at half four when Kelly had woken up abruptly, yelling Shay's name. They had sat in the living room in complete silence, staring at the empty bottle…
"Briefing room." Boden's voice sounded from the door.
"Truck 81, Squad 3 - "
What Chief had to say had to wait…
Xxx
Kelly got off the bus two stops earlier…and walked, not giving a damn it was raining, people giving him all sorts of looks. It was nearly lunch time when he finally made it to firehouse…and suddenly stopped, eyes fixed on the ambulance parked in front…Sixty-one…"Always."…when he saw no movement inside, he started moving again…there was no one to stop him…Kelly heard Boden's voice coming from the briefing room…good, he wasn't in a mood to answer "how are you doing" questions…He made his way to the locker room…was just planning on grabbing the black jacket he had worn that morning, his car and motorcycle keys in the pocket…
Kelly pulled the locker door open, a large lump forming in his throat when he saw a photo of him and Shay…he took the jacket in one hand, the other holding his phone…13 missed calls – a new record. He couldn't remember the last time he had used the device. Certainly before the boarding school fire…he scrolled down the missed calls list, a few from Benny, Erin Lindsay…Shay, 21:05 on May 12th...he had been so mad as her because of Devon, mad at himself for not finding that boy at the burning school earlier…Kelly turned around, his gaze landing on Shay's locker. He stepped forward…his fingers gently rubbing her hand-written name… ahhhh…he balled up his fist…
Xxx
"We didn't just lose a colleague, a friend…Shay was family!" It pained Boden to say those words…the image of her lifeless face would haunt him forever. 'Time of death' would haunt him forever…that phone call to Shay's sister would haunt him forever…but he was the leader in the house…it was his responsibility to make sure his people got through it together. "And we will deal with it as a family. "Some of you - " He paused for a moment, burning sensation in his throat. "may remember what I said when we lost Andy Darden. Be there for each other. Be there…for Kelly and Gabby. My door's always open. If you need time off, no one's counting - "
A loud *bang* interrupted him…followed by a second one. People followed their Chief as he hurried in the direction of the sound…his heart sank as he spotted Kelly, out of breath, forehead leaning on Shay's locker, fists clenched…Squad's Lieutenant slammed one hand against the cold metal…he was ready to strike again when two strong hands grabbed him from behind.
"Severide." Boden uttered.
"C'mon, show's over." Herrmann's quiet voice urged…only Chief and Casey stayed behind."
"Not fair, Chief. Why - " Kelly fought against the hand stopping him from smashing his fist against the locker's door…too weak to succeed.
"Kelly." Matt guided him to the bench, pushed him down…
Severide was wearing the same dark blue shirt Casey had given him the previous day, same jeans…red face and puffy eyes telling them the lieutenant hadn't had any sleep, food or shower…
Kelly buried his head in his hands, blood drops rolling down his knuckles. "Came to get my keys and…She…she can't be gone." He mumbled as he looked up, glassy eyes meeting Boden's. "Chief…"
"I know." It was all Chief could say, his own brain struggling to process it.
They spent the next minute in silence, as if breaking it would just confirm their worst nightmare…
Kelly pushed himself upright, face white as a ghost, legs shaky, days of exhaustion, alcohol and no food finally taking their toll on the lieutenant. He had barely made a step towards the door when his legs buckled, Boden's strong grip the only thing stopping him from ending up on the floor.
"You okay?" Matt asked as Chief positioned the Squad's Lieutenant back on the bench.
"Yeah…yeah…just - "
"When was the last time you ate something?"
"I - " Severide paused…his last proper meal – before the boarding school fire…a few bites at Chief's wedding…had lost the light dinner Matt had mad him eat the previous night due to the amount of alcohol consumed afterwards.
"Chief." Herrmann's walked in slowly, keeping a safe distance, years of friendship with Severide telling him the last thing the lieutenant needed was more people seeing him like that.
Kelly saw his superior whisper something to the Truck member, heard the word sandwich…didn't care, doubting his stomach would keep anything down…
"Ahhh…need to go." He grumbled after Christopher disappeared out of view.
Casey placed one hand on his shoulder, gently pushing him down. "Why don't you stay here? Eat, shower, finish off some paperwork. "
Boden nodded in agreement…anything to keep Severide out of trouble, distract him and allow him to pull it together somewhere safe.
"Herrmann's special." Christopher handed a plate and a bottle of water to the Chief, then left…
Kelly shot the food a dirty look, not touching it…he emptied the water bottle, got up, grabbed a towel from his locker and headed for the showers…
"Don't know what to do, Chief." Matt huffed. "Gabby's agreed to talk to Chaplain Orlovsky, but Severide…"
"No…"
Xxx
Kelly sat under the hot water for over forty minutes, unable to wash away the pain…he was done crying, probably due to dehydration…his body wanted to shut down, get some rest, his mind having a very different opinion, presenting him with horrific scenes of his girl…he finally got out after a knock on the door, a towel wrapped around his waist.
"Looks painful." Kelly flinched when Matt touched the purple area on his right arm, where his body had met the floor at the warehouse…
Pain…he doubted he'd ever feel physical pain again. His energy-deprived body made it to the small bench in the locker room.
"Kelly - " Matt directed his friend's attention to the sandwich. Severide nodded, took the plate…finished the sandwich before Matt returned with a fresh Squad's shirt.
"I won't be of much use." Kelly frowned, then put the empty plate down.
"Could proofread my report for the masks' audit."
Squad's Lieutenant wasn't convinced. Alcohol shots in a bar sounded better…
"You need this house right now." Casey reasoned, then tracked his friend's gaze to her locker…Shay. Still untouched.
"Feels so…unreal." Kelly uttered as he slowly got dressed, not taking his eyes off the metal door.
"Yeah." It had happened to fast, had ruined so many lives in a split second. "C'mon, let's do this." The blonde lieutenant urged, already in possession of the code for Shay's locker…Rip off the bandaid, sooner rather than later. "Megan might want - "
"I…I can't."
"Kelly - "
Kelly shook his head and walked away, heading for Matt's office where his plunked himself down on the bed, then buried his head in his hands…
Xxx
"Truck 81 - "
"I love you, you know?"
"Squad 3 - "
"I know. I love you, too."
"Ambulance 61 - "
"We'll figure this out?"
"Battalion 25 - "
"Yeah, always.
"Structure fire - "
"Shaaay!" Kelly yelled in his sleep, the nightmare waking him up, Matt already gone…He sat on the bed for a few minutes, and when he finally got some control over his breathing he stood up…he walked through the deserted firehouse to the locker room…every photo on the walls, every item in the kitchen reminding him on her…he had to get away, far away…he didn't need anyone, didn't need to hear about the funeral…didn't need to go…no…Grayslake…he grabbed his jacket with the keys for his new motorcycle…
Kelly scribbled a note, 'Can't do it. Sorry.', left it on Matt's desk and disappeared…off to Grayslake…
THE END
Well, not a very happy ending, I know. But we all know what happens next (and eventually Kelly gets better), and ever since season 3, I've had this idea in my head...and now I have my motivation (and time) back, so decided to start from here. I know I still have a fic to finish, and another one on the way, but I'll publish when it's near its end. Meanwhile, please do let me know what you think of this one. Thanks for reading! :)