Me: my first fic o_o
Kita: ._. what's with that face?
Me: I'm shocked I actually posted this o_o
Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and the respective people, bla, bla, bla, you know what I mean. Satori & Goru belong to MutsomonoSatori (my clueless uke-chan ):3 ) and Kita belongs to me!
Naruto Pick Up Lines.
Naruto was running at top speed, afraid to stop should he get captured. His pursuer was one that no one deserved to meet…a person of a very deadly breed, if you could even call that a person… He tripped over a kunai that his chaser had thrown, and fell forward, landing on his face. Naruto backed up, looking at the tracker with terrified eyes.
"No! Please, no, don't!" he begged, the look on his face showing dread. "Please, Kami-sama, save me!!!"
But alas, he was dragged away by the shadowy figure. Fight as he might so, he was no match for its strange powers. In the end, Naruto gave up. This person had total control over him. He knew this, and there was no point wasting his energy failing his escape. The Hunter knocked him out with a strange-smelling substance, and the last thing he saw was a blond-haired girl smiling evilly.
~Some time later~
Naruto woke up in a huge, orange King-sized bed, in a room fit for a king. There were the usual luxury items; gold mirror, marble walls, expensive painting, shining bathroom and such. He sat up in bed, examining the room with awe. He swung his feet off the side of his bed and noticed a note fall off the ground. It was written in scratchy, messy writing, the type that little boy do.
Mr. Naruto Uzumaki.
Please come to the Meeting Hall for the first session.
With thanks,
The P.I. Team.
Naruto read the note, a bit confused. A session? For what? And why was he kidnapped?
There were orange arrows on the floor, with 'walk on me!' written on them, and he guessed he had to follow them. Naruto crept out of bed and opened the door. The hall was just as ornate as the room, and he saw that there was another door across the hall, but blue instead of his orange. He ignored this and followed the arrows on the floor. Soon enough, there was a big wooden door, tall enough to reach the high ceiling. Naruto swallowed the lump in his throat and swung the door open, being greeted with a bright light.
As his eyes re-adjusted to the sudden burst of light, Naruto noticed he wasn't alone. There was the Rookie 9 and Team Gai, and even the Sand siblings.
"Sakura!" Naruto ran over to the pink-haired kunoichi, observing the room he was in.
It looked like a normal Japanese home, except for the rows and rows of books mounted on the walls. The pages were mostly open at pages containing dark, mythical curses and demons, but not Kyuubi-type demon. He shivered at the thought of the person who was behind all this.
"Naruto! You've been kidnapped too! Why are we here?" Sakura asked, backing away from a book that showed what could happen to people with pink hair.
"I don't know! Hey, where's Sasuke?" The raven-haired emo kid wasn't there yet, and Naruto felt somewhat disappointed. He wanted to see the bastard get kidnapped as well.
Just as he said this, Sasuke landed on top of him, tied with ropes and a handkerchief around his mouth. He squirmed and tried to shout, but his voice was muffled and undecipherable. A blond-haired girl slammed open the door, furious. She walked over to Sasuke, pulling his ear like a teacher would do to a naughty student.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU OPPOSE THE GREAT AUTHORESS, BASTARD!!!" she shouted, getting ready to hit him.
He stopped moving and glared at her. She glared back, gritting her teeth.
"Teme! Get off me!" Naruto pushed Sasuke off himself, and started to untie Sasuke's bonds. "You got beaten up by a girl?" Naruto laughed and sneered at Sasuke's annoyed look.
"No I didn't – she had back-up…" he said, ripping the blue handkerchief off his face.
"And blackmail. I can ruin your reputation, Sas-UKE!!!!" The girl said this with a dark aura, her hair looking like Medusa's snakes.
Naruto backed away. She was the Hunter…from the breed that is commonly known as…
The Yaoi Authoress.
He was the target, he just knew it. There was a feeling in his gut…and he knew that…he would become the Uke! Why wouldn't the Authoresses spare his over-used buns?
There was him and Sai, him and Gaara, and him and Kiba…and even Sasuke! SASUKE! THE TEME!
Naruto growled and blushed, remembering what he had been forced to do by one of the authoress to wear a bunny suit…and almost 80% of the time, he just HAD to be the damn submissive uke…
"And you, Naruto…I have blackmail on you, as well…like the fact that –" She was cut off by a man coming in through the same door.
"Kita, stop it. That is very important information, you shouldn't expose it here."
He was a brunette with blond highlights with green eyes. He had the Sasuke-ish look, but older and more mature. That person might even pass off as a male host at a bar.
"I am Goru, one of the…um…hosts of this…event," he said, looking like he'd rather be somewhere else.
"Don't be so stiff, you!" The girl called Kita hit his head very forcefully, but he didn't even wince.
"Kita-san, please stop!" Another black-haired girl entered, but there was a big difference from the two. Kita had a…voluptuous body while the other retained a boyish figure.
"I am Satori, the third host. Welcome to the Pick-up Event." She smiled sheepishly and bowed to the fellow ninja.
"Yo! Why the heck are we here?" Kiba asked, Akamaru barking on his head. "You kidnapped every single one of us, so what are you going to do?"
"Damn Authoress power…" Neji muttered. He had been a victim of enough Yaoi stories…and he was even in a three-some once.
"Are you going to use us for your own amusement and others?" Shikamaru asked, looking bored as ever. "This is so troublesome…"
"You are here because we're going to force you to use dirty pick up lines!" Kita exclaimed bluntly. She smiled like it was a common thing for anime characters to be taken away to talk dirty.
"Well, not all of you at first. We'll go group by group so that everyone gets a chance to use the pick up line. Treat this as a perverted version of Truth or Dare without the Truth, okay?" Satori explained, and took out a panda.
Gaara eyed the Panda plushie, unconsciously comparing himself with it. '…black eyes…'
"This is a stupid invention created by our idiotic host, Kita. It will give each person a piece of paper with the pick up line on it and the name of the person they have to use it on. The pick up line and person will be known strictly to the drawer and host/hostess only. Shall I give a demo?" Goru said, and passed the Panda to Shino.
The bug boy squeezed the panda, and a piece of paper emerged out of its mouth. He read it and tore it to shreds. Then he walked over to Kiba, and talked as if it was perfectly normal.
"If I flip a coin, what do you reckon are my chances of getting head?"
"Wha- eh?!" Kiba blushed furiously, and jumped back, Akamaru shivering in his jacket. "WHAT!?"
"You don't get it? I meant I want you to s-"
"I GET IT, I GET IT, SAY NO MORE!!!" Kiba huffed and dragged Shino out of the room, going through the door the hosts had come from.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…go Yaoi!"
"Next." Goru threw the Panda at Lee, who caught it at lightning speed.
"Okay!" Lee crumpled it in his hand and walked over to Neji, giving him a thumbs up. "Do you like chicken?"
"What? Um, yeah, sure."
"I'm sorry, I don't have any, but I do have a cock!"
"…"
"…"
"…Goru-san, the lines are kinda lame."
"…oh man, why must this all be yaoi?" Goru grabbed the two male members of Team Gai and threw them into an empty bedroom. "NEXT!!!" He threw the Panda to Temari.
"I – what the heck is this!? …darn it…" She sighed and crushed the piece of paper.
Temari walked over to Shikamaru, and keeping a straight face, said, "Can you please give me an Australian Kiss? It's just like a French Kiss, but down under."
"So troublesome…sure." Shikamaru blushed and left the room, dragging Temari by the hand.
"Wait, what!? I wasn't serious-"
The door slammed behind them.
"…"
"…"
"…"
Neji came out from the room, looking pissed off and annoyed. Lee followed, looking as YOUTHFUL as he could YOUTHFULLY be.
"Nothing happened," he assured the others.
"Yes! Nothing at all, my youthful friends!"
"…here." Goru passed the Panda to Sakura and walked away from the room, pinching the bridge of his nose. 'Stupid Yaoi Authoresses…'
"Sasuke-kun! Please pick one!" She handed it to Sasuke, clearly having high hopes that she would be his victim.
Sasuke reluctantly obeyed and squeezed the Panda's middle. A single strip of white paper came out of its mouth, and he took it before anyone could see what was written.
"Am I a pain in the ass to you, dobe?" he asked Naruto.
"Oh…" Sakura sigh disappointedly. (Inner Sakura: WHAT!? NARUTO!? NOOOO!!!)
"Yeah, Teme!" Naruto stated, poking Sasuke's chest.
"Then let's go add some lubricants…"
Kita hurriedly covered Satori's eyes as the two ninja began to make out.
"S-sasuke, what? I a-ah…don't!! I've already been through this! Sasu-keeeee!" Naruto was dragged away by Sasuke through the door, and his screams of help died away over time.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…here…" Sakura passed the Panda to Neji.
"What? Ugh, fine." He squeezed the Panda, clearly frustrated. When he read the paper, his face turned slightly red. Neji ripped it into tiny pieces and took a deep breath. Then he walked over to…
…Gaara…
"Hi, I'm the new milkman. Would you like it at the front or the back?"
Gaara's eyes vaguely widened, and if he had eyebrows, they would have arched in surprise.
"…" He kept quiet.
"…" So did Neji.
"…yaoi?" Kita asked. "…is Neji the uke or seme?"
"Uke," Gaara stated, and in a swipe of sand, the two ninja disappeared. There was a yell from somewhere outside, and they knew what it meant.
"…"
"…"
"…what's with all this silence?" Ino demanded. "Let's continue with the event!" 'The sooner it's over the better!'
"Yeah!" Choji agreed. 'I want to eat! BBQ!!!'
"Okay, next is – "
"AHHHH!!! SASUKE!!!"
Naruto's scream was clearly heard. Though the two hostesses knew that the room was far away, Naruto's yells were loud and…distracting.
"Let's just forget about that. Next –"
"SHINO!!!!" Kiba's moans of pleasure were as clear as Naruto's, and some of the kunoichis started to get vivid imaginations.
"Um, well –"
"UGH – GAARA, I WANT MORE!!! HARDER!! HARDER!!"
"Oh, hell no!" Kankuro and Temari plugged their ears. They didn't want to hear their little brother making love with another man. Hinata blushed redder than usual when she heard her cousin's moan laced with lust and ecstasy.
"Ah, let's –"
"SASUKE!!!"
"SHINO!!!"
"GAARA!!!"
"SHUT THE HELL UP!!!"
"That'sallthetimewehavenowpleasereturntoyourroomsandrestforthenextsessiontomowrrowthankyou!" Kita said, all in one breath.
Everyone seemed to understand 'return' and 'room' and went away, leaving the two hostesses soundproofing the room.
--
Me: Did this suck?
Satori: e.e I don't get it.
Me: You sont have to, my adorable little uke-chan x3
Satori: o.o I'm an
uke…? Goru: DON'T TOUCH MY UKE.
Me: SHE'S NOT YOURS, SO LAY OFF.
Goru: YAOI FREAK
Me: JEALOUS BASTARD
Goru: ********************
Me: *%#$%$#!*&^&#$&
Goru: YOU ARE A TOTAL PERVERT IF YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH SA-CHAN
Me: THEN SO ARE YOU.
Goru: ¬////¬ …
Me: I knew it! ):D
YOU HAVE DIRTY THOUGHTS! Goru: Stay in tune for the next
installation of the Naruto Pick Up lines. If you want a pick up line
to be used, leave it in a review, and include who they use it on, who
uses it and what type of reaction you want. Approved pairings are as
follows:
SasuNaru
ShinoKiba
GaaraNeji and Vice Versa
NejiLee and Vice Versa
KakaIru
And almost any other yaoi pairing but! Sasuke must be with Naruto only and vice versa. The authoress is an obsessed yaoi freak ¬_¬ …
Me: Oi! Stop changing the subject! Grr… anyway, Yuri pairings are allowed too ^_^