Somehow AJ got the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. This is just a bunch of crazy thoughts that had to get out of my head. There really wasn't much of AJ this year was there? I mean I get that bringing a baby to a detective agency or on a stakeout is a bad idea. Then again letting these people anywhere near a baby at all is a bad idea.
Bullets And Pacifiers
"Oh you have got to be kidding me?" Cyril groaned as Lana and Archer walked into the Figgis Agency with AJ in a stroller, bags of diapers and toys. "You're bringing your daughter here again?"
"What do you want from me Cyril?" Lana barked. "Day care is expensive! I have to save money somehow and if bringing her to work every now and then saves a few dollars…"
"And we're not exactly busy now," Archer added.
"And whose fault is that?" Cyril snapped.
"Uh, the economy's?" Archer blinked. "No wait, Wall Street! Right?"
"I was referring more to the Zissner debacle," Cyril snapped. "As well as all the other ones!"
"And since no money is coming in and our paychecks are pathetically low…" Lana added.
"You mean nonexistent," Pam snorted as she walked in with Cheryl and Mallory.
"I have to save money anyway I can," Lana said.
"Have you tried…What are those things?" Mallory began. "You cut them out of the paper…"
"You mean coupons," Pam said.
"No, not those," Mallory frowned. "You cut these out of the newspaper and they're supposed to save you money…"
"Coupons," Pam said.
"Even I know that one!" Cheryl said.
"No, not coupons!" Mallory snapped. "The other thing! You know…? You cut them out of the paper…"
"Coupons," Everyone else said.
"No!" Mallory shouted. "Let me finish! Shut up! You cut them out of the paper. You sort them by names and you make up a false identification or two. Go to a different government office and present your fake identification. And bang! You've got easy money!"
"Are you talking about…?" Cyril did a double take. "Stealing money from the unclaimed accounts list?"
"Well its not stealing if they're unclaimed isn't it?" Mallory said. "Which reminds me I should check the newspapers this weekend. And see if Krieger has his fake ID machine working."
"Wow…" Lana blinked. "Just when I think you can't…Wow…."
"Actually that sounds like a good idea," Pam said. "I want in on this."
"Me too!" Archer said.
"Can we get back to the Real World for a minute here?" Cyril groaned. "Lana you can't keep bringing AJ to work."
"Buzzkill," Pam folded her arms.
"And here we go!" Lana barked. "The lack of affordable child care in the workplace…"
"Oh God give it a rest Lana Chavez!" Cyril snapped. "No, make that Bore-Me-More Steinem!"
"Only if that makes you Lord Douche-En-Heimer," Archer said. "There's no reference in that name. I just wanted to use it."
"You people screw around all day," Cyril's eye twitched. "Cause trouble, murders and scandals, commit fraud, start brawls in bars, create cocaine cartels, make mutants and earthquake machines and I'm the bad guy?"
"I wouldn't go that far," Pam admitted. "But if you ever do become one I can see why. These past few years you've been on a downward spiral into madness."
"And why do you think that is?" Cyril snapped.
"Poor parenting?" Archer quipped.
Cyril began to say something but then shrugged. "Well you're not wrong on that front. Speaking of which…"
"Cyril I'm already a few thousand dollars in debt to my babysitter!" Lana protested. "At this rate she'll be able to retire before I can! And she's only a teenager!"
"But she's staying right?" Archer frowned. "Because teenager or not she's the best we could find."
"Yeah but…" Lana sighed. "Do you have any Kruggerands left?"
"One but I've been saving it for a rainy day," Archer admitted.
"Well it's pouring now!" Lana glared at him.
"No, it's sunny outside," Cheryl said. "High's in the mid-eighties but there's no humidity today. There's a high pressure front blowing in from the southwest…"
"Thank you Cheryl with the weather update," Cyril groaned. "And now back to the main news! Which is babies don't belong at a detective agency."
"We let Cheryl stay here," Ray pointed.
"That is a valid point," Pam spoke up. "She's way more immature than AJ."
"Am not!" Cheryl pouted. "I'm telling!"
"Yeah go run to Miss Othmar," Pam rolled her eyes.
"I will!" Cheryl stormed out of the room.
"I'm not saying this to be mean guys!" Cyril protested. "I'm just being practical!"
"Around here that's almost the same thing," Archer pointed out.
"I hate to say this but Cyril does have a point," Mallory admitted. "As much as I love my granddaughter…"
"You do?" Archer asked.
"Shut up!" Mallory growled before going on. "A detective agency is no place for a child."
"Well not all of us have a heroin addicted butler we can hoist our kids on while we run around sleeping with half of Europe!" Archer barked. "Well I used to but I haven't seen Woodhouse in over a year…"
"It has been a long time hasn't it?" Pam remarked. "Have you checked the morgues?"
"I have a detective back in New York that calls me every now and then," Archer said. "But they're mostly false alarms."
"Mostly?" Lana asked.
"One time Detective Johnson just called me to talk," Archer said. "He's going through a rough divorce. His wife was cheating on him with his captain. His daughter is engaged to two different drummers from two different bands. And his oldest son ran off from his commune to join an investment banking firm."
"That last part doesn't sound so bad," Mallory said.
"It's the same firm that's backing the Libertarian Party movement," Archer explained.
"Now I see the problem," Mallory admitted.
"Yeah he's going through a lot," Archer nodded.
"He's not the only one!" Cyril snapped. "Do I have to remind you that this is a detective office?"
"Well yeah," Cheryl spoke up as she walked back in. "Because I forget a lot…"
"Besides you, Cheryl!" Cyril snapped. "Any minute now we could have a client walk into our office with a dangerous mission! Any minute now…"
A pause. Nothing happened. "Any minute now…" Cyril groaned.
"I think it only works if I do it," Archer said. "Any minute now. Any minute now."
Nothing happened. "Any minute now," Archer said.
"Any minute now," Cyril said.
"Okay…Any minute now!" Archer said.
"Any minute now," Cyril said.
"Any minute now!" Archer said.
"Any minute now!" Cyril said.
"Any minute now…" Archer said.
"Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnny minute now," Cyril said.
"Annnnnnnnnnny minute nooooooooowwww," Archer said.
"I see your point," Mallory sighed to Lana.
A few minutes later…
"Okay so I promised your mother that I'd watch you for a few hours because for some reason she thinks I don't interact with you enough," Archer groaned as he too AJ out of her stroller and picked her up. "So what are you into?"
"Dada," AJ kissed him.
"Well I can't say I blame you," Archer grinned. "I am awesome. I have to admit, Lana made a good choice when she chose me to be your daddy. I mean let's look at the so called competition. And I say that ironically. Starting with the man Least Likely to Succeed…"
Meanwhile back out in the bullpen…
"Any minute now…" Cyril sighed as he stared at the entrance. "Any minute…now."
Back in Archer's office.
"That was never going to happen," Archer scoffed. "And then there's Bachelor Number Two…"
Cut to Ray in his office.
"Oh god I'm such a fatty," Ray sighed as he ate a bear claw. "Pretty soon I am going to have to make myself bigger clothes because I will become a fat, fat, fatty fat."
He put down the bear claw and wiped his hands on a napkin. Then he went over to a mannequin in his office that had a pink cowboy shirt draped on it. "This will be perfect for Gay Cowboy Night at the Brokeback Bull Bar. I hope I blend in."
He went to work on it. "Good thing I learned how to sew. Making my own suits is cheaper than buying clothes. What I can't steal anyway…So take that Daddy! Mama was right about sewing not being a useless skill!"
Ray stepped back and frowned. "I wonder if a pair of ass-less chaps would be too much?"
Back to Archer's office.
"On the plus side you probably would have had your own handmade designer dresses for life," Archer admitted. "And a personal hairdresser too. I'll give him that. But still…No. Which leaves…The Unthinkable."
Cut to Kreiger in his lab…
Krieger was dancing around in his lab wearing only his underwear. On the lab table nearby was white female robotic arm and it looked like he had some white powder on his nose. "Bamp! Bomp! Pa pow! Ba pam pow ba pa bam bam nerrr eerrrrrrr! POW!"
Back to Archer in his office.
"Uggghhh…" Archer shuddered. "Yeah, Mommy dodged a bullet."
Realization hit him. "Oh God. No wonder she stole my sperm."
Cut to Mallory's office…
"Okay so stealing his sperm wasn't the most ethical thing I've ever done?" Lana sighed. "But…"
"Let's face it," Mallory poured herself a drink. "Your options were extremely limited. Like my bar here. Seriously? Only one kind of scotch? What is this? A BYOS?"
"Bring your own scotch?" Lana guessed.
"Looks like I'll have to," Mallory sighed. "Does Sterling know yet that AJ is back at County Day?"
"That's like a don't ask, don't tell situation," Lana admitted. "He didn't ask. So I didn't tell."
"Just as well," Mallory took a sip. "Lucky for us Sterling only looks at his bank statement once a decade."
"Part of me feels a little guilty about helping you access his bank account to clean it out," Lana admitted. "Just to pay for the endowment for AJ's day-care."
"A little?" Mallory raised an eyebrow. "Lana he'll just spend it all on alcohol, his stupid car, whores or god help us another stupid lemur."
"That's why I only feel a little guilty about doing that," Lana told her. "I feel even guiltier that I have to leave AJ at day care so I can work and pay for her education!"
"Lana you can't feel guilty about doing what's best for your child," Mallory said. "Trust me I know."
"Right. You never had that problem," Archer said icily. "What are you talking about?"
"What are you doing here without AJ?" Lana said. "I thought you were supposed to be watching her?"
"I was," Archer said. "Then I watched Pam take her."
"Oh wonderful," Lana got up. "Thanks for nothing asshole!" She stormed out.
"What's her problem?" Archer asked. "Besides the obvious?"
"You," Mallory grumbled. "Or is that too obvious?"
"You know…?" Archer gave her a look.
Back in the bullpen…
"I get that you want to play with AJ," Lana sighed. "But seriously? You really think this is appropriate?"
"What?" Pam asked. She had arranged the couch cushions and a few bottles around so that it looked like a bar. AJ was with some dolls sitting on the other side.
"What do you mean what?" Lana snapped. "You're playing bartender with my daughter!"
"Actually I'm playing the part of Rhea Pearlman in Cheers," Pam corrected.
"Yeah," Cheryl scoffed as she lay on another couch. "After she ate Norm."
"You're gonna eat a fist sandwich if you don't shut your glue gulper!" Pam made a fist.
"Pah-aamm," AJ cooed.
"Here ya go little AJ," Pam gave her a bottle. "Rough day at the playpen huh?"
"Just what my daughter needs," Lana groaned. "A leg up on the family case of alcoholism."
"Well she is an Archer," Pam snorted.
"Take a good look Lana," Cheryl scoffed. "This is her future!"
"That is officially the scariest thing that you have ever said Cheryl," Lana groaned.
"Oh my God! Oh my God!" Pam squealed. "I just had the cutest idea for a TV show! Picture this! A spy agency that's live action and populated by…Wait for it…Babies! Babies in a spy agency!"
"You mean like Lancelot Link, only with babies?" Lana asked.
"Pretty much yeah," Pam nodded. "We can call it Bullets and Pacifiers!"
"Ugh can't we just have the monkeys play babies?" Cheryl wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"No!" Pam snapped. "Put that in our pitch pile."
"Your what?" Lana asked.
"Pitch pile," Pam explained. "Ideas for TV shows if we ever run into a network executive."
"Or if Michael Gray comes back and crashes on our couch again," Cheryl added.
"You honestly think that anyone would make a TV show based on your insane ideas?" Lana asked. "Including a spy show acted out by babies?"
"Hey they made a TV show out of that caveman insurance commercial!" Pam pointed out.
Cheryl added. "And they make TV shows out of kids toys."
"And movies based on kids toys," Pam pointed out.
"Mad Magazine had its own show," Cheryl added. "Two of them actually…"
"They're even making a cartoon movie about talking sausages," Pam added. "Called Sausage Party."
"You're joking," Lana blinked.
"I wish," Pam sighed. "The title is so misleading."
Lana blinked again. "I guess when you put it like that your show ideas aren't that farfetched at all."
"Some of our ideas are actually better than what they've put out," Cheryl said. "I mean who the hell wants to see a show about Carla from Cheers ex-husband?"
"Nobody," Pam said. "That was the problem."
"It's still a stupid idea," Cheryl scoffed. "Who likes stupid babies?"
"Everyone but you," Pam said.
"But babies are so boring!" Cheryl whined. She looked at AJ and made a face. AJ repeated the face back to her. "Hey! She copied me! She's a copycat!"
"Well it's not like she ever says that much to begin with," Pam said.
"What do you mean by that?" Lana asked.
"No offense Lana," Pam said. "AJ isn't exactly the world's greatest conversationalist. What? I said no offense!"
"She's only two!" Lana barked.
"Exactly!" Pam agreed. "Look I'm not saying she's not a great listener. She's great at that."
"Totally great," Cheryl agreed. "Pam and I tell her stuff and she almost never interrupts. It's so great to have someone listen!"
Pam added. "It's just she doesn't have that much to contribute to the conversation."
"And when she does it's all nonsense stuff," Cheryl added. "Boo boo? Da gah? What the hell does that mean? Speak English already!"
"Again, I can't believe I have to explain it…" Lana groaned. "She's two!"
"So?" Pam said. "When I was two I could sing the entire McDonald's theme song."
"That I believe," Cheryl remarked.
"She says words," Lana protested.
"Maybe she'd say more if you weren't always talking?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah!" Pam agreed. "Maybe the poor kid can't get a word in edgewise?"
"I don't even know why I bother saying anything around here," Lana groaned.
"Neither do I," Cheryl said.
"Any minute now…" Cyril walked by with a depressed look on his face. "Any minute now… Any minute now…"
"You know what Pam?" Lana sighed. "Go ahead and play with her. I need to work on my resume again. Something tells me I am going to need it." She walked away.
"So AJ," Pam looked at the toddler. "How's it hanging?"
"Ba-ba…" AJ indicated 'so-so' with her hand.
Later that afternoon…
"So much for bonding with our child," Lana sighed as she and Archer entered Lana's apartment. "AJ spent more time with Pam and Cheryl than with us."
"Well you know how Mother gets when she gets on a roll berating me," Archer remarked as he put down the diaper and toy bags. "What about you?"
"Worked on my resume. Tried to find some contacts to give us work…" Lana sighed as she picked up AJ out of her stroller. "Then I ended up making a bunch of calls. Set up AJ's next appointment with her pediatrician for her shots. Then made an appointment with a new dentist for me. Then I had to make another call to ask our insurance agent something about an addendum to our life insurance policy for AJ."
"So you had a productive day," Archer interrupted. "And AJ loves Pam. And she looks unharmed so obviously she didn't spend that much time around Cheryl."
"Oh she had a great day," Lana told Archer. "AJ? Tell Daddy what you learned. Go on. Tell Daddy."
"You not my super-wiser!" AJ cheered gleefully.
"Nice…" Lana glared at Archer.
"How is this my fault?" Archer protested. Lana just glared at him.