THE INCREDIBLE TALE OF MR MAGNUM
Once upon a time in a land far away was a small town called shawtyville. The town's folk were really nice people and they followed the motto of the legendary ancient philosopher snake-o-mate "If someone gives you attitude for being bad to them just tell them to rub their nipples and chill".The town had an area of a few square miles. The town centre had a really cool fountain with a statue of a man sitting while showing his pinky finger as if to signal that he needed to go to pee immediately. This really confused the town's folk and the sculpturer's identity remained a mystery.
In the town lived many brave men. One of them was shawtyville's favourite Mr Magnum. He had saved the town from doom numerous times. Two years ago, a mad scientist named dr. zico wanted to show the people of the town his latest invention - a giant mechanical robot cow. The people were sceptical at first but finally decided to see what his invention was that he was so excited about. Dr Zico exclaimed "Prepare your anuses folks, hold on to your butt cheeks. My robot is going to blow you away!" and then proceeded to take out a remote control from his pocket. The ground began to shake, the people began to oscillate like a ringing cell phone put in vibration mode and out of Dr Zico's lab came out a giant mechanical robot cow. The town's folk were amazed. One of the people in the crowd named billy shouted. "What is the use of a giant mechanical cow?" the scientist replied "I thought someone of you would ask this question. Huh?" he was interrupted mid-sentence as he saw a giant shadow under him and then THUD! Dr Zico got crushed by the hoof of the cow. The town's people were terrified and began to panic. Apparently Dr Zico did not test his remote control well and the evil bastard programmed the cow to destroy the town if the people did not like it. But alas he forgot to remove himself as the target as well. The cow started running around like crazy destroying buildings in its path. Shops, banks and a few good pubs that shawtyville had were now history. People were being trampled, thrown around like ragdolls by the robot cow's horns, this was a stampede.
It was a truly horrifying sight. Like Dr Zico said, the robot truly blew the people away... Into the afterlife. Mr Magnum was in the crowd of towns people. He was trying to run away too. But then in he turned around and saw a small boy. The boy was cornered into a wall. The robot cow was waiting and facing his direction. Mr Magnum thought to himself "Stop being a coward, I am a man with big cojones" and in a pure rush of adrenaline screamed at the top of the lungs "Hey you stupid bovine! Over here!" The cow turned around and began charging at Mr Magnum. The situation was like the most dangerous game of tag. Mr Magnum eventually came to a dead end blocked by a bunch of rocks. The cow was charging straight at him. He shouted "Come at me bov!". At the very last moment Mr Magnum screamed "Psyche!" and took a giant leap sideways. The cow crashed into the rocks, but to Mr Magnum's dismay recovered back to its hooves. In the distance he saw the mining area. Then the thought struck him "There must be explosives at the mines." And began running towards it. The robot cow's vision was a little distorted after the collision so it was now just twirling around like a fool. This was the perfect opportunity for Mr Magnum as it bought him some time to get to the mines faster.
Eventually the cow was charging at him again. Mr Magnum heard the cow get closer and closer and thought "Wtf was that mad scientist on, that he decided to make a robot cow run so fast?" The mines were just a few metres away. As soon as Mr Magnum passed the front gates to the mines he took a quick detour and hid in the nearby boulders. The robot cow had gained a lot of momentum and as it tried stop, it slid a few feet and fell hard on the ground. Mr magnum thought "Now's my chance" he ran and picked up a dynamite that the careless workers left, light it up with a matchstick from a match box that he always carried with him since he was a smoker, and threw it at the twirling robot cow. The dynamite got stuck in one of the nostrils of the robot and its head blew up. The robot cow came down with a loud BOOM. Mr Magnum turned around pulled out shades from his pocket and while putting it on he said "I guess I took the cow by UDDER surprise!" and left the mine through the front gate like a Badass as a thunderous explosion took place behind him.
As he returned to the towns people they were all cheering for him. Then he went to the little boy that he saved expecting his gratitude. Instead the boy slapped him. Mr Magnum asked the boy "Why did you slap me?" The boy replied "Because I was trying to escape you prick!" Mr Magnum got a little confused and asked "Escape what?". The boy getting a little annoyed replied "ESCAPE the plot of this story!" Mr Magnum was like "Huh?" The boy's mother pulled his ear and said "Mr Magnum, my son is a little naughty. Please don't mind him and I cannot express how thankful I am for saving his life." To which Mr magnum said "No problem, I was just doing the right thing" and the crowd went crazy as they cheered and a few of the brave men sat him by their shoulders and took him around the town while towns folk chanted "MAGNUM! MAGNUM!" as the sun slowly set in the horizon.