ME 3: Catastrophic Failure
Zhanel Lintani regarded the woman sitting on the couch across from her. Commander, no, Admiral Danielle Shepard was just as stoic as she had been for all of their sessions for the last four months.
"Perhaps we could talk about your trial and the feelings that brought up," Zhanel said quietly.
"It all worked out in the end," Shepard said with a small smile. "Nothing to talk about."
Zhanel suppressed a sigh. "Admiral," she said and tried to keep her frustration out of her tone. "You've had a lot of traumatic events in your life and you need to deal with the emotions they left."
"We won the war, Doctor," Shepard didn't even try to disguise her irritation. "Everything is fine. It's time to celebrate and rebuild, not to cry over the past."
"It doesn't work –" Zhanel was interrupted by a soft beeping.
"Sorry, Doc," Shepard said with a feral grin. "Our time's up. See you next week."
Zhanel gave in and let out a groan as the door closed behind the formidable woman. She typed a few more notes into her data pad and then went to her terminal. She drummed her fingers on the desk as she waited for the call to go through.
"Doctor Lintani," Admiral Hackett greeted her on the vid com. "Do you have that report for me?"
"Yes, Sir." Zhantel took a long, calming breath as she quickly ordered her thoughts. "Admiral Shepard still refuses to deal with her emotions and I believe it could become a problem."
"She's seemed fine these last couple of months, Doctor," Hackett said with a frown. "She is working efficiently and is as charismatic as ever. I think you may be over reacting. Shepard's a soldier – a N7 Marine. She can handle more than you think."
"Sir," Zhantel practically ground out. Marines could be so thick headed. "The concern is that she's simply buried all the emotions – damned them up. She's never actually dealt with any of it. There is a strong probability that when presented with a certain trigger that damn may burst and it could potentially be a catastrophic psychological episode."
Hackett's eyebrows drew together as he considered the doctor's warning, but he didn't say anything.
"Admiral," Zhantel continued in a more professional tone. "I recommend Admiral Shepard remain in an administrative capacity and she should be monitored closely for signs of emotional distress."
"Thank you, doctor, for your report. Hackett, out."
Shepard walked with purposeful steps toward the communications office. It felt good to be back in Vancouver and at Alliance HQ. The weeks she'd spent in Australia helping to organize repairs and bringing the new Alliance Australian Command together had been satisfying, but tedious. She was glad to be back and she hoped there was some news of the Normandy. She had called regularly while she was away, but a personal visit couldn't hurt. Sometimes speaking with people directly brought results that a vid call couldn't.
She strode in the room and walked up to the first person she saw. "Sergeant, any new intel on the Normandy?" she said and made herself smile calmly at the flustered Sergeant.
"uh…Admiral Shepard," the woman stammered and gave a shaky salute. Shepard waved a hand to stop everyone from popping to attention.
"I'll take it from here, Sergeant Holmes," a man said from behind Shepard. Shepard turned and regarded the man. She fought to keep the friendly smile on her face. "Commander Gregg Vavilov," he said as he saluted her.
"Commander," Shepard acknowledged him as she returned the salute. "Any word?"
"No, Admiral," the Commander said with hard line to his mouth. "As you were told the," he consulted a data pad in his hand, "last twenty times you called in the past thirty eight days."
Shepard decided to ignore the barb and turned to examine the holographic map on the wall. "Let's search this system," she said as she tapped the map. "It's off the trajectory, but they may have been pushed –"
"Admiral," Vavilov interrupted her and she glared at him over her shoulder. "We searched that system two months ago."
"So what systems are being searched currently?" Shepard snapped. "I'll talk to Hackett and see about getting a ship to search the next area on the list."
"Ma'am," the Commander said with a sigh. "With all due respect," and Shepard nearly chuckled as she remembered Ashley's insight into that phrase. "We've searched every system that had even the remotest possibility for the last six months."
"If we'd searched them all we'd have found the Normandy, Commander," Shepard growled at him. "Let's branch out another five degrees." Shepard tapped another area on the map as she looked over the possible habitable planets listed.
"Admiral," Vavilov said with a raised voice and Shepard realized he had been speaking and she had ignored him. "It's over. Hackett's called it." The commander handed her the data pad.
Shepard glanced at it and felt her heart squeeze painfully. She wanted to shout and punch and tear the place apart until they went back to searching. Instead she speared the Commander with the full heat of her angry gaze.
The man, a head taller than Shepard and solidly built, took a couple steps back as he visibly swallowed.
"Keep looking," Shepard snarled as she shoved the data pad into the Commander's chest and stalked out of the room.
Shepard stomped into the reception area outside Hackett's office. Her head felt ready to explode and her left hip and leg were pulsating with pain, but she ruthlessly ignored the feelings.
"Oh, Admiral Shepard," Lieutenant Mallory said with a smile as she pushed a button. "The Admiral is," Shepard didn't even slow down and hit the button on Hackett's office, "expecting you," the girl finished quietly as Shepard went in.
"Shepard," Hackett said casually from his desk as she walked up to it.
"Sir, you can't stop the search for the Normandy," Shepard demanded. She wanted to tear someone's throat out in frustration. Instead she clenched her fists and glared at the man in front of her.
"Shepard," Hackett said quietly as he rose. "It's been six months with no word, no sign…"
"It's only been six months!" Shepard shouted. "If they needed to make repairs they'd…"
"Shepard," Hackett said in the same quiet tone, but the edge behind it stopped her tirade. "I'm sorry, but we can't afford the resources anymore. The Normandy's only one ship," he raised a hand to stop Shepard's outburst. "She was your ship and full of heroes. That's the only reason we spent so long searching. None of the other missing ships received such attention."
Shepard clenched her fists until her nails bit into her palms and ground her teeth. Hackett's rebuke stung and she knew what she was asking was unfair, but she couldn't give up. She wouldn't let them give up. "Admiral, the Normandy's out there and they're waiting for us to find them. We can't let them down."
Hackett sighed and moved around the desk. "I'm sorry, but the Normandy's status is now officially 'Missing, Presumed Lost'." Hackett placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed in empathy for the pain she must feel.
"The families have been asked to come to the HQ at 1400. I'll inform them then and I think you should be there, Shepard."
"Sir," Shepard pleaded and snapped her mouth closed when she heard how plaintive it sounded.
"Be at the secondary staff conference room at 1345 in your dress blues. I'm sorry, Deirdre. I truly am. Dismissed."
Shepard turned and left the office. Her mind worked feverishly to try to find another avenue, another argument to make to stop this. She needed a plan – any plan – she wouldn't just give up. C'mon, Joker, she sent the thought as hard as she could. Talk to me.
Shepard looked at the clock and pounded her fists on the desk. She was out of time. Out of time and options. She had called everyone she could think of, all of her contacts throughout the galaxy and had come up empty. The Asari, Turians, Salarians, even the Krogan had no information. She had tried to get a ship, but had been informed that Admiral Hackett had left orders she wasn't to be given one.
"Damn it!" She thundered as she put her head in her hands. With a sigh she got up and went in to shower. She had to have faith that the Normandy would call. Probably just in the nick of time like the old vids Joker was so fond of.
Dressed and suitably in control, Shepard sat at the head table next to Hackett as they watched the family members come into the room.
Shepard had missed the memorial services for Admiral Anderson and Lieutenant Cortez. She'd still been in the hospital unconscious at the time. She'd had her own private memorial service to them, but had shuttled the sadness aside by focusing on hope the Normandy would return soon. Then she had done what she'd always done and thrown herself into her work.
She watched as each person went to a section with the name of one of the Normandy crew and sat down. She realized no one would come for Joker, since his family had been lost on Tiptree. And he never knew, she thought as she bit her tongue to divert the pain. I never told him.
She saw James' uncle glance at the picture of James and sit down. He folded his hands on the table and kept a blank face. Garrus' father and sister came in and sat down and Shepard was surprised to see how much resemblance there was in Garrus of his father. Traynor's parents were next and her mother kept wringing her hands and glancing around. Admiral Rann came in and Shepard was a little surprised the woman was still on Earth instead of on Rannoch. But the Admiral had looked at Tali as almost her own child, so Shepard realized she should have expected it.
Hackett spoke to the aid behind them briefly and the military photographer took a few photos. The civilian press wasn't allowed, but the press corps were recording the proceedings and would give a suitably brief recount to the populace.
Shepard returned her gaze to the room and saw more family members had come in. The room was mostly full now, as the families of her CIC crew and engineering team sat down. Shepard caught sight of a Drell among the human faces and realized it was Feron. She wondered briefly if he and Liara had ever rekindled their romance.
A couple more people sat down and Shepard realized that Karin Chakwas had said she was the last of a line of doctors. These people must be colleagues, then, since Karin had no family.
Shepard checked her omni-tool again and ground her teeth in frustration. Where was the Normandy? Time was almost up. She felt desperation welling up as Hackett gave the signal for the doors to close. A small woman, slightly overweight with graying dark hair in a braid down her back managed to get in just before the guards closed them. She looked around and quickly found her seat.
I can't wait for you to meet my mom, Shepard. Shepard averted her gaze from Kaidan's mom as she heard his voice. Not like this, she thought in a near panic. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Hackett stood up and cleared his throat. Shepard looked at her omni-tool again as she tried to maintain control. This couldn't be happening. She hadn't saved the galaxy, and survived, only to lose everyone she cared about. Call, call, call, call, she whispered the fervent litany in her head. Call now!
"Thank you all for coming," Hackett said in his booming, gravelly voice.
"No," Shepard whispered as she clawed at her thighs under the table.
"I'm afraid the news I have for all of you isn't as good as we'd hoped," Hackett continued and Shepard felt like a weight had dropped on her chest. She couldn't breathe and her vision kept swimming.
As hard as she tried not to, Shepard looked over at Kaidan's mom only to see the older woman looking straight at her with a sad gaze. It was too much and Shepard gave a strangled sound as she jumped to her feet. The chair fell with a crash and Hackett turned to look at her, his eyes full of concern.
"Shepard?" he asked in a whisper.
"This isn't…" Shepard attempted to speak, but the words strangled in a throat that was tightly closed. "We can't…" Her breath was coming in gasps and she realized she was trembling violently.
There were sounds around her as she ran for the side door. She gripped the frame to keep herself upright as she tried to turn the corner. She managed to get a few steps down the hall before the ground lurched under her and her left shoulder hit the wall.
Gasping and shaking she slowly slid down the wall and sat hunched over on the floor. "I survived, they have to…I promised…" She dissolved into sobs and was barely aware of a set of arms that came around her and cradled her. She didn't hear the words whispered into her hair.
A/N: I'm not sure if I will continue this fic, so I've marked it complete. I may come back later and add another chapter. Let me know what you think.
Please review, it feeds the muse.