Her name is Carla.

I still remember the day we met… it was what… nine or so years ago now.

Nine years? Wow... I can't believe it.

Meeting her was by chance… becoming her friend was a choice but falling in love with her… well that was way beyond any control I've ever had.

I remember the day we met like it was yesterday… I'd only been back in Weatherfield a few days and we met in the local pub. Carla was stood at the bar on a Friday night and apparently I "pushed" in front of her... Yep that was how we met.

I use speech marks on the word pushed because I don't actually believe that I pushed in front of her… she just didn't see me stood there that's all because she was too busy chatting to her best friend Michelle at the time.

Now… I knew she had a husband but whilst Carla gave me an extremely dark look and started sounding off at me for supposedly "pushing" in front of her, I remember thinking…

Damn, this woman in front of me is drop dead gorgeous… Scary… Yep, She's definitely someone I'd never ever want to cross but my god she is stunning.

I could go on and on about how beautiful Carla is… on the outside but also and most importantly on the inside but I won't because it still pains me to know that I let someone like that slip away.

So back to when we met... Carla stood there and read me the riot act about pushing in front of her for a good few minutes, whilst her mate and my mate watched in amusement.

Eventually, I remember apologising to her and saying something about how it should be Ladies first… I honestly thought I was being charming and chivalrous but… somehow… saying that only wound Carla up even more because then she called me sexist.

Now a part of me was sure she was just enjoying winding me up but I couldn't be one hundred per cent, so I just nodded very quickly and ordered my drink before I got anymore embarrassed in front of her friend and mine.

One thing I'll tell you about that night is that it's probably a really good thing that we met in that way rather than in a positive one and I say this because I swear, had Carla smiled at me that night in the Rover's Return I probably wouldn't have been able to get that dazzling smile of hers out of my head and as I said, she had a husband... Not that that has stopped me before but I digress.

That smile though… If you'd let me, I could go on about that all day too.

Carla's smile could literally light a dark room and do ya know what? Being one of the reasons that stunning smile would appear on her face left me with a feeling that I will honour and cherish for the rest of my life.

So, after our first and rather intimidating meeting was out the way, Carla and me would often interact with each other, generally just in the pub but soon enough we started to cross paths some more because she became best friends with my girlfriend, Leanne.

Back then I never would have imagined things between Carla and me would have turned out the way that they did… never.

Carla had a reputation you see… Some folk would have even gone as far as saying that she was cold hearted bitch but I honestly never really saw that in her, even when I didn't really know her… I never ever got the impression that Carla was as mean as some people would make her out to be.

She might like to wear the colour black a lot but she has a heart of gold… I promise.

Every once and a while, Carla would pop over to the flat once n a while and spend time with Leanne but even then we didn't really get much time to know each other… we were just acquaintances really but then… one night that all changed.

One night in October, we ran into each other… we ran into each other in a place I never would have expected her to be and that night, I realised that Carla Connor was so much more than the stunner who called me sexist one night in me local pub.

I should have seen it before… I should have seen how delicate she could be… how caring… loving… kind hearted and special she was.

I should have seen how assertive, independent, sassy and successful Carla was.

It irritates me to know how many years I wasted just letting her astounding personality pass me by and it annoys me to know how shallow I was before I ran into her that night.

I wasn't prepared for what happened when I started to get to know Carla… the real Carla… The one I still and secretly miss every single day of my life.

Long story short?

Like me, Carla had a problem… A problem that I really wanted to help her get through.

At first she was hostile, she made up excuses for why we had bumped into each other at an AA meeting of all places and she pushed me away every chance that she got but something… Fate? Destiny maybe? Something would not let myself give up on her.

We got along ridiculously well.

We just clicked, there was a connection there, one like no other I'd had before.

Then one night she told me she had feelings for me and I honestly couldn't believe it.

My first thought was why on earth would someone like Carla fall for such a idiot like me? To be quite honest I shrugged it and her off.

I was happy, I wasn't looking to bond with anyone else… no way on earth... but still… That didn't stop the very clear connection that me and Carla had from growing stronger each and every day we saw each other.

Every time we spoke… every time we supported each other I learnt something new about Carla and eventually… we couldn't fight that connection any more.

I think I was the last person to realise just how in love I was with her.

Regrettably Leanne knew it ages before I did and me Dad always says that early on he had a feeling I was falling for Carla too.

I can't actually stand how long I left it.

I can't abide that it actually took her being hurt… being… horrifically violated by someone who was supposed love her, for me to realise just how crazy in loveI was.

If I could go back… I would have told her how much she meant to me much sooner… If I knew what I knew know, I know I would have done more.

Life's not as easy as that though is it?

It's weird to think that she's out there somewhere right now… living her every day life when once upon a time her every day life was supposed to be spent with me.

At one point it really was me and Carla... Carla and me... us against the world.

It's completely my fault we're not together right now, I mean can I even call Carla the one that got away when the only reason we aren't living in marital bliss is because I betrayed her?

I truthfully believe that had I not cheated and made the biggest mistake of my life, Carla and me would be together now.

We'd probably have a bunch of kids and maybe a house somewhere, It would be far enough for the family not to come round everyday and bother us but still close enough for a quick visit.

I dunno… maybe not... maybe we'd still be living in the flat I'm in right now but all I know… is we'd be happy… I'm sure of it.

Unfortunately… I can't go back in time.

I can't change what I did to Carla… no matter how much I wish I can.

No matter how long goes by or how many times I say sorry… the past is in the past.

It's a horrible feeling, knowing that you're the categorical reason to blame for loosing something so special… something you'll never ever get back… no matter how hard you try.

What I did to Carla plagues me every single bloody day and it took loosing so much to make me the person I am today.

I don't blame Carla for not taking me back… In an odd way it's a good thing she didn't because it made me realise that the man I was when I was with her was a ridiculous excuse of a person. I was someone who genuinely didn't deserve to breath the same air as she did.

I broke so many promises... I lied so many times.

I threw everything she did for us... for me, away.

God I am so sorry that she knew that version of me.

Loosing someone so magnificent as Carla nearly broke me and I never… ever want to feel the dreadful way I did back then again.

Never.

Am I happy right now? Yes I am. I may not have much money… or the best job and I may be getting on a bit in years but I'm back where I belong and I'm with someone.

Do I love her? Yes… I love her.

I really and truly love her… but if you were to ask me if I love Toyah in the same way or even as much as I loved Carla…. well the answer would have to be no.

I'd never tell Toyah this of course because it would hurt her but honestly? I could never love someone that much again… not the way I loved Carla.

No matter how hard I try I'll never get that kind of love back but d'ya know what? I've made my peace with that… after all, It was my own fault Carla left and I have to pay the price for it somehow.

Carla was not only the one that got away but really and truthfully… she was the one.

The one who knew me inside and out.

The one who knew was I was thinking without me even having to speak.

The one who wasn't afraid to let me know when my jokes were stupid and laugh ridiculously out loud at the ones that she actually found funny.

The one who wasn't afraid to tell me a lot of home truths when I needed to hear them and she was the one who ignored every single person who told her that I was no good.

She was the one who loved me in spite of all my flaws and the one who risked it all to be with me… she risked a friendship, her business… and she was the one who never wanted children until she met me.

Carla was the one.

The one who was perfect for me and I was the one who was just too stupid, too selfish and too mind numbingly senseless to properly realise this when it truly mattered.

Carla changed my life in ways I can't even begin to describe with words and I know that I will never be able to find someone like her again.

I know how lucky I am to have Toyah in my life right now and that's why I'm making sure that I don't mess it up, That's why I want to keep her happy… even if her dreams aren't my dreams… I have to make sure I prove that I've learnt my lesson... I want to show that I can put others before myself.

There's still so much I have so much I'd like to say to Carla though… I still have so many ways that I want to apologise but I can't because really don't want to intrude her life like that.

From what I hear she's moved away… she's moved on… it wouldn't be fair for me to suddenly re-enter her world but if I did… If I could only have a few moments to speak…

I'd tell her… It's not your fault that I cheated and it never… ever will be.

I'd tell her not to change one little bit… I'd tell her just how precious she is and that the reason I didn't treat her that way is unequivocally down to me.

I'd also make sure to tell Carla that I hope that she's happy… I really… truly do.

I hope she has found someone… She probably has by now. I mean how could Carla not be with someone right now?

How could any man not see that she is exquisite?

If Carla hasn't found someone yet… then I hope she does soon… Somebody who loves and genuinely deserves her.

I hope whoever it is makes damn sure that they aren't as idiotic as I was… I hope that person knows just how lucky they are that Carla has let them in… and I really hope that person is smart enough to know what a fantastic thing they have and never let it go.

As for me?

Well… I'm going to do everything in my power to prove not only to myself but to everyone around that I've well and truly learnt my lesson.

I'm truly a changed man.

It's just a resounding shame that it took loosing Carla to make that changed man.