Love Is Never A Choice
Love is never a choice. I remember those words well. My mother used to say them to me often when I was growing up.
When Old Man Matthay's dog had a litter of pups and I was allowed to have one, I brought home the runt of the litter. It was the ugliest of the lot - the one I fell in love with. My sister took one look at him and laughed. She told me I was crazy for picking such an ugly dog. I held the dog tightly to my chest afraid that my parents would make me give him back. Mother put her arm around my shoulders as she said to Sekaya, "Chakotay has picked with his heart. I want you two to always remember, love is never a choice."
Our neighbor's daughter, Grenin, and I use to play together. We were the same age. She and I would go on hikes with my dog, that I named Hercules, trailing behind. I liked Grenin. We were good friends, and she never made fun of Hercules! We spent many days playing together and hiking the hills around our village. I never noticed that Grenin's teeth were terribly crooked, her nose was huge, and her one eye was slightly crossed. To me, she was just my best friend.
When we got older, the village was having a dance for all the teenagers. Everyone was excited, except Grenin. She didn't want to go. I couldn't understand as it was the big event of the spring. Betalin, the prettiest girl in the village, was hinting that I ask her to go. As pretty as Betalin was, she was also the most snobbish and arrogant girl in the village.
One day I decided to go for a hike and was headed over to see if Grenin wanted to go. As I turned the corner of the house, I saw Betalin and several of her friends standing around Grenin, who was crying. I started to go to her, but I hung back to hear what they were saying.
"Chakotay would never go to the dance with an ugly person like you, Grenin. Look at you! You should be ashamed for people to see you. Chakotay just feels sorry for you! I am going to ask him to go with me. After all, he is the most handsome boy in the village. He should be with the most beautiful girl!" Betalin taunted.
I stood out of sight a moment or two longer. I could take no more. I walked out calling Grenin. When Betalin saw me she smiled. "Oh Chakotay, I was just going to ask you something."
"Sorry Betalin, I wanted to talk with Grenin. She and I are going to the dance together." I gave her one of my best dimpled smiles as I reached for Grenin's hand. We walked away together leaving a group of stunned girls.
We hiked silently up the hill to this huge rock. Sitting against it, she said, "Chakotay, thank you for what you did back there, but you don't have to go to the dance with me. I would understand. Betalin is very pretty. I will never look that way."
"Grenin, understand one thing. I don't want to go to the dance with anyone but you. You are my best friend." I held her in my arms as she cried. I had never seen Grenin cry before. She hadn't even cried when she fell and broke her arm! I was angry at Betalin and her snobbish friends for hurting Grenin!
At the dinner table that night, Sekaya repeated the incident to my parents. She had heard about it from a friend. Mother looked at me, "I am very proud of you, Chakotay. You picked your friend, Grenin, over that snobbish Betalin. Love is never a choice."
"I don't love Grenin, Mother. She is just my friend."
"Chakotay, you may not love her the way you think, but you do love her as your friend." I thought about that for a long time and decided that my Mother was right.
Grenin and I went to the dance. We danced nearly every dance. We laughed and joked, having a great time. I thought she looked pretty.
Mother told me once that someday I would find the love of my life. It would just happen on its own. You couldn't wake up one day and say, "Today I am going to fall in love." Or, "I plan of falling in love with the most beautiful woman in the world." Love is never a choice.
Later at the academy, I always seemed to fall for the girls that were already taken or had no interest in me. My friends were always trying to fix me up with someone. They would always say things like, "I know you will just love her!" Unfortunately, I never loved any of them!
I had a few affairs, but I never really seemed to actually fall in love. They were friends, nothing more. Sometimes I worried that I would be alone forever.
Suddenly, I found my whole life turned up side down. The Cardassians had invaded Dorvan destroying everything before them. They killed my family. I heard they had also killed Grenin and her family. I immediately resigned from Starfleet and joined the Maquis.
Thinking back I realize I would have been more effective in helping my people by staying in Starfleet, but I had this need for instant revenge.
In the Maquis, we had little time for love. Perhaps that is why I gravitated toward Seska. I never loved her. She was just a warm body to have in my bed on occasion. However, she looked upon our arrangement differently.
Thanks to the Caretaker, my ship ended up in the Delta Quadrant along with Voyager, a Starfleet ship. We ended up combining the two crews. I destroyed my ship by ramming her into the side of a Kazon ship!
On board Voyager is where I met Captain Kathryn Janeway. What an experience! I think I have loved her from the first moment that I saw her on the view screen of the Liberty. For the seven years that we worked together, she has been my highest pleasure and my deepest hell!
Kathryn is the most beautiful, talented, intelligent and exasperating person that I have ever met. She is enough to drive any man to drink! Just when I would begin to think that she might allow something between us other than friendship, she would pull away and site protocol.
Kathryn seemed to have two aims in life. One was to get the crew back to the Alpha Quadrant, and the other was to drive me completely insane!
One night, about six months before we found the wormhole that got us home, I was in my quarters. I couldn't sleep. I was lying on my couch wearing a pair of shorts and reading a book. My chime rang. I wondered who would be ringing it at 2300.
The door opened and in walked Kathryn. She was in her night gown and little else, no robe or slippers. She stood there with her hair falling around her shoulders. I stood up and went to her.
"Kathryn, what is wrong?"
She threw herself into my arms. "I love you, Chakotay. I love you. I have tried all these years to keep us apart. I can't do it any longer. I want you and only you. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake up with you every morning. I want us to be together always."
I did what any man would do under the circumstances! I kissed her. Then, I picked her up and carried her to my bed. We spent the rest of the night making love. Later we lay in bed just holding each other.
"I am sorry, Chakotay. So sorry that I took so long. I have loved you for years. I have tried to deny that love. I felt it wouldn't be good for us to be involved. I was wrong. I couldn't get over loving you!"
As I gently kissed her again, I told her what my mother had always told me. "Kathryn, love is never a choice!"