Title: Little Do You Know (Inspired by the song Little Do You Know by Alex and Sierra)
Summary: Jay didn't think their first fight after moving in together would be able to break them, lead to Erin pushing him away again and to stony silence filling the room whenever he was alone with her. He should have known better. [Set some time after 4x11]
Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort
Pairing: J. Halstead, E. Lindsay
Rating: T
A/N: So I don't really know where this came from to be honest. I just couldn't sleep last night and I was in a really dark mood and thinking about Linstead and this came out of it. I normally avoid writing angst, because ... well it's depressing and I like happy stories better, so I'm not sure if this is any good. This chapter is from Jay's perspective, so you know as much as he does and what's going on with Erin will be revealed in chapter 2, if I decide to continue this… I hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise). The chapter titles will be lyrics from the song I mentioned above.
Cover art by: mehtiification
Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD, its characters or any dialogue you recognize from the show, neither do I own Little Do You Know by Alex and Sierra.
Chapter 1: How I'm Breaking (while You fall Asleep)
When Jay got back from Will and Nina's place that evening, exhausted after having a long day at work and then heading over to meet his brother and the pathologist for dinner right after his shift had ended, the apartment was dark and empty.
With a sigh, he switched on the lights, pulled off his shoes and put them on the floor next to Erin's, before changing out of his coat and hanging it on the rack by the door.
The presence of her signature boots was proof that his partner was indeed home, even if the dark and empty living room indicated the opposite.
She'd probably gone to bed early, he mused, like she had done for the past couple of weeks. Ever since she'd gotten home that night a few weeks ago, after she'd stormed out of the district earlier in the day and had told Hank she'd be taking a personal day, things hadn't been the same.
Jay had been relieved to see that she'd made good on her promise and had found her way back to their shared place eventually. He'd been really worried about her all day and had almost expected her not to come home at all because of the things that had been said between them earlier.
He regretted getting so worked up - all he had wanted had been for her not to get her heart broken again, to protect her from the evil that was Bunny and from her mother's endless schemes.
It wasn't that he didn't want Jimmy to be her dad, the guy seemed nice enough for an ex-convict, Jay just wanted Erin to have something real for once, wanted her to have actual proof that she was not living in a fantasy.
'Well, that backfired pretty quickly,' he thought darkly. Of all the people that were to blame, actually there was only one person to blame… and her name started with a B, Erin had chosen to take her anger out on him, because he had been the one to push her into getting Jimmy's DNA tested.
Her sarcastic comment, spoken in the heat of the moment, born out of the shock, anger and disappointment consuming her after her world had once again been shattered into a million little pieces, had hit him like a punch to the gut.
It had cut deeper than any knife ever could and he'd lost his temper and he'd lashed out at her just like she'd lashed out at him.
Their fight hadn't been pretty and people had started to notice that something wasn't right, more importantly Hank Voight had noticed, and it had all gone downhill from there.
When Erin had come home that night, he'd been ready to apologize again, to forgive, forget and move on. His plan had been derailed however when she'd entered the apartment, smelling of alcohol and cigarettes and when he'd asked her where she'd been she had stonewalled him again, only giving him a vague answer about having had to take care of things.
He had wanted to push and make her tell him what exactly she had been up to and why she was shutting him out again, but he just hadn't had it in him to start a conversation that would most certainly turn into another fight.
They had gone to bed soon afterwards, both filled with regret over accusations that had been thrown around and the way they had acted towards each other earlier in the break room and the bullpen.
Lying there in the dark, side by side, separated only by mere inches, Jay had felt like they had never been further apart, until Erin had reached over and had squeezed his hand.
"I really am sorry," she had whispered before a heavy silence had engulfed the dark room once again. His response had been nonverbal - a simple squeeze of her fingers that had still been intertwined with his.
Thinking back to that night now, when he was making his way through their apartment, turning the lights off as he went, just using the moonlight streaming in through the huge glass windows in the living room as a guide instead, he realized that it probably would have been better if he had gone through with pushing her into telling him everything instead of deciding to give her space and letting her bottle it all up inside.
But it was too late now, the damage had already been done.
He carefully pushed the door to their bedroom open and saw a figure curled up under the blankets on the bed after his eyes had adjusted to the darkness of the room.
He made his way over to the bed, pulled the blankets that were pooling around his girlfriend's waist up a little higher and dropped a quick kiss on her forehead, before leaving the room and closing the door- a habit that had quickly turned into a routine within the last few weeks.
Jay wanted nothing more than to go back inside, climb into their bed and hold her, tell her that he loved her and that it would be ok, that she, that they, would survive this, but he couldn't and not just because she had walled herself in with the six pillows she used to sleep with on a regular basis before they had moved in together.
She'd barely spoken to him in the last two weeks. If she had decided to initiate a conversation, it had always been work-related and after having tried to talk about something that wasn't case-related only to be met with vague, evasive answers every time, Jay had finally caved and had stopped trying to breach the awkward silence that had settled heavily between them whenever they were alone.
A few day's into Erin icing him out, he had taken to sleeping in the guest bedroom. That was after he'd tried to hold her one evening and she'd quickly wiggled out of his embrace, avoiding his gaze while telling him that she just needed a little time, and he had told her in response that it was ok, that he would wait.
She had nodded and he had left. Erin hadn't questioned it, she had just let him go. The following morning neither of them had brought up the fact that he'd slept in the guest bedroom, formerly Nadia's room, and hadn't returned to their shared bed.
A week into them not speaking, he had moved some of his stuff into the guest bedroom, it was just easier. That way he didn't have to sneak into the master bedroom every morning to get his clothes for the day, while Erin was getting ready in the en-suite bathroom.
If Erin had noticed that some of his things were missing, she had chosen not to mention it which only had made the whole situation worse for Jay, because he had hoped that maybe, just maybe, she would start talking to him again, even if it was just to ask him why he had moved his stuff.
It seemed that it had had the opposite effect though and she had withdrawn even more from him if that was possible.
She now got up an hour earlier in the mornings. Based on her closed off behavior, he supposed it was to avoid having to see him before work. Driving or at least coming into work together was a distant memory of the past, and even if they left the district at the same time, she'd either go back mumbling something about having to finish up on some paperwork, or she'd vanish quickly and by the time he got home she'd already be in her room, or gone without a trace, returning in the middle of the night, trying to be as quiet as she could in order not to wake him, even if it was no use, since he would lay wide awake in the guest bedroom every time, waiting for Erin to return home safely.
He was surprised she hadn't requested a change of partners yet, but maybe that was because she prided herself on being professional at work and not letting her personal feelings get in the way of their careers. It was funny, but at the same time not, how she seemed to be willing to trust him with her life but not her heart.
While he was laying wide awake in the guest room once again, he contemplated whether it would just be easier for him, for them, if he moved out. Maybe that would give her the incentive needed to finally come around and talk to him, so that the hole in his chest, this feeling of emptiness where his heart used to be, would disappear and he, they, could be happy again.
.