Change
"Sorry, did you wait long?" Tsuruko asks as she dashes towards Yukiatsu, picking up the pace when she realized he waited for her, "I thought I'd texted you to not wait for me. I overslept today."
"S'okay, I had things to do at home anyway. Late night?" He brushes it off as usual, starting off their daily morning conversations.
"Yeah, just catching up on some homework." She takes her place just a few steps behind him. Tsuruko doesn't remember when she stopped thinking of herself as enough to walk beside him, or when she decided that she was content being just there for him, a constant that never changes. And a constant that would never change in the near future.
They board the train, three trains too late for the beginning of first period, and lapse into a comfortable silence as they take their places at their usual seats.
They say that when you get to know someone well enough, you'll start to understand their silence. Yukiatsu's quiet now, eyes closed and head bowed, like he too, had a late night the previous day. But the occasional twitching of his eyes, the furrow of his eyebrows, tells her that he's remembering that summer again.
Tsuruko recognizes and responds to each one of his silences like she knows them like the back of her hand, but the truth is that they've been together far too long for her not to notice.
She notices when he keeps quiet, biting his lip, trying to hold in his annoyance at the people around him making far too much noise during class – he's never been able to concentrate without total silence. (She then shushes her classmates, because she is the class president after all, not because she feels a sense of relief as the tension escapes his expression.)
She notices the contemplative silence when they queue up for food in the school canteen and he sees two of his favorite foods on the menu, that silent battle that makes his lips turn into a frown. (She looks away and coughs, telling him that she's probably falling sick as he asks, because she couldn't possibly admit that she was hiding her blush at how adorable he could be sometimes.)
She notices the look in his eyes whenever they pass by the route to their secret base, the way he just stops mid-conversation, like he feels guilty for having fun when Menma's lost her chance to. (She waits for him patiently to return back to normal, and resumes the conversation when he does like nothing was wrong – because a part of her too, has firmly decided that she's not deserving, not worthy of loving him when someone else is so important to him. She couldn't do that.)
Tsuruko notices everything, and yet knows nothing. She doesn't know the pain he's still harboring inside his heart, nor the sadness that overwhelms him at night – not even the love he's still clinging on tightly to for the girl who's long gone. Because it's easier to deny her feelings when she pretends she doesn't know, and pretends she doesn't care.
"Tsurumi… Tsurumi?" He waves, breaking her train of thought, "We're almost here."
"Sorry, I'm pretty tired." She smiles at him as they run towards class, already having missed more than half of first period.
Their Sensei is expectedly furious, and demands he gets a proper explanation before he releases all of Hell's wrath and fury upon them.
"It's my fault, I overslept today and made Tsurumi wait for me again. Sorry, I spent the entire night trying to decipher all the Chemistry work you gave, but I'm afraid my brain had no reaction…" The words leave Yukiatsu's mouth before Tsuruko could even react, and the class promptly bursts into laughter.
"Very funny, Matsuyuki. I suppose you'll be equally amused to find the stack of extra practices I'll be leaving on your table after class." Their Sensei says as he dismisses them to their seats and gets on with class.
After the bell rings, Tsuruko's attention turns to Yukiatsu and the unfortunate stack of papers resting on his desk. "Why did you say that?"
"Does it matter? Besides, you help me with my homework half the time anyway – this just means we'll have to spend more time together then." He gives her that cheeky grin of his and brushes it off yet again, and it takes every ounce of strength in her to stop herself from falling in love with that smile. She couldn't change – wouldn't change, she had to stay the same old Tsukuro who was always thinking of others, always being the responsible one, the sensitive one.
It's not fair, how he distances himself her one moment and yet dives in to save her the next. It's not fair how he's so kind to everyone but himself. The thoughts race through Tsuruko's mind, and she parts her lips to say something, anything, but the only thing that manages to escape is a whisper of a "thank you."
He smiles and turns to leave, but then something overcomes her, and she calls out – "Yukiatsu."
"Yeah?"
"That was a horrible Chemistry pun you gave back there." She laughs, and leaves to join her other friends briskly.
Ah, and she's the one to tell Naruko to just bring out her courage and confess to Jinta already. She can't even deal with her own feelings, let alone be in a position to advise someone on how to deal with theirs. In the end she just finds herself doing exactly the same thing Jinta and Naruko and Yukiatsu and Poppo, all of them have being doing all these years – running away from their feelings.
Yukiatsu's there waiting for her at the school gate again by the time she's done with art club, and she wonders how long he's been standing there, staring into space, and what excuse he's going to give this time.
"Hey, I thought you didn't have club activities today." Tsuruko questions him as she falls one step behind his relaxed pace again.
"Oh, just had to stay back to help Yoshida with something, I just about finished too." He responds casually.
Liar, She thinks. I waved goodbye to Yoshida and his girlfriend before going for club activities. But she is constantly saved by his lies and his kindness. So once again she pretends. Once again she leaves it be.
"Ah, and I was going to ask if you're free enough to make a short detour today."
Tsuruko looks at him with a puzzled expression – they rarely make stops, especially on days where school ends this late in the evening.
"What are we going to do?"
"You'll see." He smiles cryptically as they walk towards the direction of the neighborhood shopping mall.
There's a part of her that tells herself they really shouldn't be doing this, really shouldn't be enjoying themselves when one of her best friends lost the chance to in exchange for this. Then there's a part of her that wants to let go, wants to give in into Yukiatsu's warmth and kindness and just forget about that summer for once. But all that is forgotten when Yukiatsu grasps her wrist and brings her around the mall, going in and out of consecutive accessory shops.
"Yukiatsu, are you still into that kind of thing?" She teases him and lets herself indulge in the humor of watching the tips of his ears turn pink.
"Just stop about that already! I thought we promised to never bring it back up." He grunts and stalks away, face bright red and mouth turned down in a frown.
"Alright, alright. I won't speak another word of how you cross-dressed again." Tsuruko says, emphasizing the second last word loud enough for other customers to hear. This sends them both into hearty laughter – something they both haven't had in a long time now.
"Will you please tell me now what we're doing at such a time in a hair accessory shop, out of all places again?" She manages to ask between gasps of laughter.
"Well, you know how Menma's birthday is coming up and stuff? I was thinking you could help me choose something pretty for me to give her."
And with that, she feels his words pull her back to reality. Of course. Of course he had asked her out with the intention of getting something for Menma. After all, there was no way he would suddenly announce a date between the two of them. She tells herself she expected it, that she didn't, couldn't even have hoped that there was anything more to it than this. But the ache in her heart tells her otherwise, and she tries everything to keep herself from falling apart.
"Oh, then wouldn't something that has flowers on it be good?" She forces a smile, willing her straining voice to stop trembling and the tears in her eyes to keep from falling.
"I was thinking about that too, but I can't decide between this white one and that—" Yukiatsu begins, but stops promptly when he sees the tears streaming down her face. He realizes one second too late.
"I-I'm sorry." Tsuruko frantically wipes at her tears, "I think I'm not feeling that well after all, so I'm going to go home first, okay?"
"Wait, I'll send you—"
"Don't." Her voice breaks. "Please, just let me go alone."
He watches her go, her small figure disappearing into the distance. And for the first time, he realizes how fragile Tsuruko actually is under that strong facade of hers.
The next few days, she doesn't show up at school. When she does, he notices the redness of her eyes and the dark circles starting to form on her face, he notices the trembling of her fingers and the tapping of her feet. And he wonders why it took him this long to understand that Tsuruko had been going through as much pain as he was.
But what could he say – should he apologize for all the trouble and hurt he's caused her. Should he thank her for her quiet assurance and support that's kept him going all this while, when he did nothing for her in exchange?
Yukiatsu knocks on Tsuruko's door on the morning of Menma's birthday. She opens the door in her pajamas and bed-hair and stares at him.
"Let's go see her together."
Tsuruko doesn't know how to respond, having him suddenly greet her at her doorstep, talking for the first time since the incident that day. She gets dressed and grabs her own present she's prepared for Menma too, and then joins one step behind him in their journey to her house.
Tsuruko's not sure if she can handle this, thinking about the love and sadness and hurt that's she's going to see in his eyes when they speak to her at her altar. She's not sure if she could forgive herself for feeling bitter and jealous because of this. She loves Menma with all her heart, the same way she loves Yukiatsu, but she can't seem to reconcile these two feelings without falling apart.
But then Yukiatsu takes her hand. "It's okay," He says as they approach Menma's house. "We're okay."
She wants to believe him, and decides that she will.
Kneeling in front of Menma's altar now, Yukiatsu begins to speak.
"Hey Menma, happy birthday. How have you been? I've got something you'll definitely like, Tsuruko helped me pick it." He smiles as he takes out a crystal white sunflower hairpin and places it on her altar. "Suits you, don't you think? You've always been like the Sun to me, glowing with that characteristic, Menma-like kindness and warmth and love. To me, you were brighter than any of the Sun's rays, and I loved you more than I loved anyone in the world."
It feels like a thousand knife stabs towards her heart, and Tsuruko hates herself for it. She hates herself for changing, hates herself for harboring any ill will for Menma at all. She feels tears welling up in her eyes again, and wills them not to fall.
"Menma, I loved you. I can say this properly and loudly now – I did love you, and you will continue to hold a very important place in my heart from now onwards. But did you know, that throughout the time you've been gone, Tsuruko's been so, so strong? Did you know that she was the one that saved me from falling into the nothingness that threatened to consume me in the absence of your light, the one that reminded me that there are other things worth living for, that you would want us to continue living for ourselves?"
He looks at Tsuruko now, right in the eye, and continues talking.
"I'm okay now. I'm slowly moving on while keeping you in my thoughts. I was afraid to change because I've always, always blamed myself for that day, but now I know that I have to get up, if not for myself, for everyone who has not given up on me when even I'd given up on myself. Now I have to start living for myself, and for Tsuruko."
"You see Menma, the Tsuruko we know is strong and responsible, adult-like and task-focused. But the Tsuruko we know is also sensitive and emotional. She does so much for others and yet doesn't ask for anything for herself, and she doesn't see that she too, shines with a brilliance similar to yours."
"She doesn't realize how beautiful she is."
And with that, Tsuruko burst into tears. She had never been told by anyone that she was beautiful, let alone by someone like Yukiatsu. "What are you saying—"
"We were all once afraid of change, afraid that it would somehow diminish our memory and time together with you, Menma. But from now onwards we'll be moving forward. Because no matter how many weeks, months, years pass why – the Super Peace Busters will always, stay together. Happy birthday, Menma, and here's to many more to come."
And as Yukiatsu finally enveloped the bawling Tsuruko in his gentle embrace, the two of them felt like they had finally found the answers to all the questions that they had been searching for all this time in each other. They are still broken, and hurt, and sad like many, many people in the world, but they've found themselves in each other, and only time would mend the wounds these years spent stumbling around have caused now.
The next morning, they fall back into their usual routine.
Perhaps some may have noticed some changes. Like how Tsuruko's pace now matches Yukiatsu's, their breaths in tandem while walking side by side, fingers entwined in one another's. Some may have noticed the lavender hairclip taking its place on the side of her head, since they had found that that they shared a favorite flower.
Slowly, but surely, the two of them are starting to change.
a/n. Well. I just watched the Anohana movie and cried my eyes out, and finally recalled again how much I truly enjoy this pairing. I hope there are people out there who love them as much as I do, and I hope this story has done their beautiful relationship justice. I apologise for any grammatical mistakes, it's 1am and I won't be vetting this before I publish this, so please do tell me if you notice anything strange so I can fix it! Thank you for reading c: