WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS FRANK DESCRIPTIONS OF MONSTERS, MARY SUES, MALE NUDITY, AND A SHIT TON OF SINDARIN.

MAY CONTAIN PEARS*.

Here begins EVENSTAR, EVENSTRANGER* the second part of the history of the Sue-Slayers.

The first part is called EVENSTAR, EVENSTILL*, since the events recounted in it are dominated by the meetings of modern Men Prerna Prashad, Ida Anderson and Pedro "Peter Parker" Morales and the final members of the Fellowship of the Ring: Legolas, haunted by gulls and the impending death of his friend, and Gimli, now bent and senile with age. It tells of the misdeeds and perils of all the members of their Unexpected Friendship, until the rescue of Gimli and resurrection of Legolas and their departure together into the West.

The third part tells of the last defense against Sanity, and the end of the mission of the Sue-Slayers in EVENSTAR, EVENSTAY.

You know how sometimes when you dream everything is just so damned vivid, but right in the middle of it you feel that terrifying jolt like you've been paralyzed or thrown over a cliff and only right as you were dying horrifically you wake up? Don't worry about it—it's usually just the Sue-Slayer clocking onto his shift.

I guess I should probably preface that a bit, but I have to warn you, it'll take a while. And you've got to promise not to become a boiling squid of anger or skip ahead in boredom. My name is Ida Anderson, by the way. It's in the summary. I once saw a man's kidney grow tentacles, tear itself out a ragged hole in his back, and go slapping across my kitchen floor*. If you don't already know who I am, that's awesome. That means you didn't read the previous installment in this quite frankly batshittingly insane saga, and that's good because to be honest, it doesn't really depict me in the best light.

…hey! Don't go read it now. I'd prefer a fresh start. So le suilam, stranger! Mae govannen. It's great to have this opportunity to convince someone I'm not an utter shithead. Just uh, just skip the next paragraph, okay?

If you DO know who I am, presumably because you've read the previous story, Evenstar, Evenstill, I know what you're thinking and all I can say is "No, fuck you." Stop sending me flames. I've already disabled anonymous reviews, so don't even try. Please note that all correspondence regarding the class action lawsuit resulting from the publication of that memoir ought to be directed to fanfiction. net's legal department and the Tolkien Estate, not me. Go find the email addresses yourselves, yiffers.

[If you happened to stumble on the last paragraph accidentally, new reader, forgive my pottymouth. You'll find it's not typical of me.]

Shit. Where was I? Ah, yes. On to our tale.

It all happened a little bit like this…

*Pears? I hate pears!

*Because Prerna thinks that the whole "Evenstar, Evensomething" thing gives us a sort of brand recognition, and our working title of This Fic is Full of Ungolianth: Seriously, Mellon, Avo Garo seemed a bit unintelligible to the average reader.

*I still think Legolas Dies At The End would've been better.

*No, I made that part up. Hair! Hair! Haaairrr! Camel Holocaust! I've been told by Peter that this whole thing reads like Lord of the Rings met Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy at a Three Arm Sally male pattern baldness benefit concert and had one fugly love child. I told him that our entire adventure reads more like gay Brienne of Tarth and blatino Achoo son of Asneeze in a terrible Hot Fuzz: the Middle-earth Madness Round YouTube fanfiction spin-off with Shawn Spenstar DJ'ing the soundtrack. My brother Scott says it's a surprisingly accurate description.

"A black sheriff?" Peter scoffed. "I guess it worked in Blazing Saddles…" Forrest Gump once said life is like a box of chocolates, but he was wrong. Mine is like a Mel Brooks movie meets slasher flick set in Middle-earth. The Legs and the Gim-man aren't helping much, as you might imagine. That whole 'count the dead bad guys' competition was cute and all back in the Third Age or so, but seven centuries out with the tally still running? Yeesh. Those quintuple digits are starting to be a bit sickening.