A/N: This is just a one shot on Deeks thoughts from Spoils of War. I don't usually write from Deeks POV so I would really like to hear what you all think about this, and last night's episode.
Pain. Pain eats at us from the inside and slowly destroys us before we even realize what is happening to us. I watched as they brought them towards us, for a moment I couldn't move. My feet felt like they had been permanently embedded into the ground beneath me. There she was; the person I care about most in this world was alive.
Her beautiful face was bloody and bruised, but she was still the most gorgeous thing in this world to me. I wanted to stop moving when she walked by me. I wanted to grab a hold of her and ask her if she was alright. I wanted to let everything disappear from around me. I didn't care about the tradeoff; I didn't care if we were surrounded by the damn Taliban, none of this mattered to me. All I cared about in this life was her. I wanted to tell her how I dreamed about this moment every day since she left. So many thoughts were rushing at me right now I couldn't separate one from another. Seeing her alive, being that close to her and still having to walk by her without a word was killing me on the inside.
After everything was finally done that day I searched for her throughout the camp. The doctors said she was going to be fine, she just had some broken ribs and bruises but nothing major that was life threating. I would thank god every day for the rest of my entire life for that. I stood back and watched her as she said goodbye to Jack. I didn't like the idea of her hugging this man at all, but I did understand it. I trust Kensi with my life. They went through something together out there, just like Sam and I had when we were tortured, so I knew what she was feeling right now. I knew how important it was to know someone understood what you were going through because they were going through the same thing.
"I am glad you're alive." I said to her. She had this far off look in her eyes, she looked so helpless. She was broken and terrified. I have never seen her like this before. I caught fear in her eyes one time years ago not long after we first met when I pulled her from that room full of lasers. The fear she had now in her eyes was only half of what I saw that day. Her tears started to fall and it took everything I had inside of me not to cry watching my wonder woman fall apart like this.
"It was bad." She whispered through tears.
"Hey come here, its ok. Shhh its ok I got you. We are going home." I said to her. She held onto to me and cried. I could feel her pain, her anger; I could feel everything she was feeling as I held her so close to me. She trusted me enough to fall apart in front of me, to fall apart in my arms. I would give anything in the world to freeze time and just replay this moment over and over again. 159 painful days it had been, but now it was finally here. Our moment, the moment I have waited for. We are going home. I have got her back and we are going home.
That day was the best and worst of my life. I did some horrible things that day, things I don't know if I can forgive myself for. Things I never thought I would have to do. Am I sorry I did these things? Yes. Would I do them again? If it mean saving her life without a doubt. Some people may think I am crazy for doing what I did, but until you have been told the one person you love most in this world is gone, don't judge me. Seeing that picture of her dead, I could feel my heart shatter inside my chest. Do you know what that feels like? It feels everything you know and believe in is gone. Your world stops moving, your heart stop beating, and you wonder for a second if you're still alive. The pain hurts so badly on the inside you would give anything in the world to make it stop.
What if she was really gone? What if I never got the chance to tell her I love her? I know I do, I am sure she knows I do, but what if I never got to say it? Seeing this picture it took me to a dark place. A place without her, without my guiding light, without my angel I fell from grace.
What's done is done now. Just like I told Kensi "It's over and we are going home." That was it that was all.